The Hardest Part Is Letting Go Of Your Dreams

When my Dad dies, I was so unprepared for it. From not feeling well to sitting on the hospital floor holding his hand just after he died took two whole months.
I never got to say goodbye because I thought he would make it. It is my most painful regret.

I was reading this post today and it had me thinking of what an hell those nights were after he died.
The sheer weight of grief put me to sleep those night, but I would always wake up at 3am.
I would be wide awake and my mind would take me to horrible places. I would watch TV in bed to quiet the voice and take my mind off of the grief.
I had never had trouble sleeping before, I thought this was just a phase and I would "grow out of it" once I felt better.
After months of waking at 3am, I decided to take over the counter sleeping pills. They worked and I could finally feel rested again.
Then those stopped working as well so I moved on to the good stuff like Ambien and Lunesta.

Before I knew it I had been taking these pills every night for over a year. I loved them, it finally squashed the noise and let me sleep, a good dead sleep, but I knew I had to stop using them. It wasn't healthy.
I slowly weaned myself off of them.
I could sleep again without medicine!

I know that my sleep was interrupted because my brain was trying to wrap itself around the fact that one of the most important people in my life was now gone.
I know it was a symptom of my problems.
I wish I could have handled myself better, I wish I got the proper help I needed and probably still need.
I am happy I had the sleep medication when I needed it because at least I was sleeping and able to function to take care of my 1 year old twins at the time.
I just hope I never have to use them again.

#1MOMBLGR

There is one thing different about New Hampshire then I have seen in any other state I have been to: EVERYONE has personalized license plates.

At first it was so funny, the first weekend I was here my sister and I would try and see how many we could spot on the way to the grocery store.
Then it just became odd, really odd because you felt like you were the odd one when everyone has one but you.
I get it Granny5, sunkisstan, redsox1 and famof7, you want everyone to notice you.
Maybe I will get my own plates (as soon as one of us gets a job and has $1k to register our cars here), but what do I put on my plates?
Here are some of the ideas I have floating around:

GodHatesNH
urplatesRstupd
2muchsnow
NJmafia#1
Ucantdrive
#1NHblogger
flwmeontwitter
agrl&hercar



The whole thing makes my head hurt. Guess what? I don't care about your vanity plates anymore.
That is until I was behind a driving school car this morning.
Its license plate read: MYBAD

Now that, is funny.




Also please go over and read my other blog, I want to know if you post pictures of your kids online?

Things I Hated About Yesterday

Things I hated about yesterday in chronological order:

-Waking up

-Waking up to a crabby kid who cries and stomps his feet for me to hold him when I was just trying to put on my bra.
I have to put my bra on right away because I hate the feeling of gravity on my boobs. (or the effects of gravity on my boobs. Whatever.)

-L hit his head on the side of the pool during swim lessons and when I got over to him, his mouth was filled with blood. I finally found the source- a small but deep cut next to the corner of his mouth. Off to the urgent care center we went.

-Duh, I have no idea where the urgent care center is.

-My phone was dead when I went to call E. Had to borrow one from a stranger.

-My poor baby needed a stitch in his face and he was so scared. He was a trooper but nothing is worse than when your baby is scared and you just want to hold him, but instead a team of doctors and nurses have to hold him down because he is screaming.

-After all the drama and we fed ourselves, washed the kids and put them to bed, I noticed I had been wearing my shirt inside out- ALL DAY.
Of course this was the one day that I actually left the house and had been to the town pool, urgent care and grocery store.
All with my collared shirt inside out and it was tagless so everyone and their mothers could see my size.
Yes, of course I wore my hair up all day.

-After enduring weeks of bad reality TV, namely I'm a Celebrity Get me Out of Here, I forgot the finale was on last night because I was so disturbed by my inside-out shirt and missed it. All of that bad TV for nothing.

So yeah, Wednesday can suck it.

How We Got Here Part 2

You can read part one here.

So we had no choice- we had to move. Despite my bad attitude because I did not want to leave my family, my state, we moved.
Well, E moved in September living with his cousins until we found a place to rent and sold our house.
He traveled the 6+ hours each way to come home on weekends. The twins, the baby and I were left to fend for ourselves and keep the cats alive all while trying to keep the house clean for house showings.
It was not easy. In fact it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Easier than carrying 15+ pounds of babies in my body for 9 months.

On February 1st we all moved to NH. It was cold and there was more snow piled up on the lawn that I have ever seen. It was going to be a long year.

I am not like my husband, I do not adapt easy.
I like my "stuff" and I like knowing where I am going and I like visiting my friends or family when I want to.
I spend too much time rolling around the bed moaning about how much I miss Wegman's or my hairdresser. Like I told E a hundred times: I do not do rural.
But rural I am.

Things were good, we were unpacking, the kids were getting settled in their new house and school. E was busy at work.
Then they had less appointments.
Next their clients had hard times refinancing their homes, getting loans, things that E and his cousin make their money off of.
The commission checks slowed.

Now the financial crisis has hit home once again, only now we are stranded in a new town, in a new state with a lot less jobs then our old town, in our old state.

We have nothing to lose, because we lost it all already. We gambled and came up short again.
Now, what are we going to do?



To be continued.............

How We Got Here

It was Autumn, leaves were falling, the air was crisp and I was five months pregnant. I was excited to add to my little family of four. The twins were excited to get another sibling and all was falling into place. All except my husband E hating his job.
E was good at his job, great in fact. He was given many awards, voted to lead by his peers and had a decade of experience in his field. The problem was his boss.
She was new and wanted to fit in the big boys club and needed someone to mold into exactly what she thought the company wanted: another her.
She groomed E for the position, he was talked up, promised promotions, put on the fast track and it all came to a screeching halt when he did one big old no-no: He disagreed with her in a meeting in front of their team.

A cardinal sin. He was told he didn't have what it took to be on the fast track, he was treated like a new trainee instead of someone with as much experience as her, he was written up for petty, silly things. AS fast as she gave it, she took it all away.
We knew she was mad enough to strike hard and called his HR to tell them he knew she was setting him up to be fired.
The next week he was fired.

He had no recourse. We could sue, but didn't have the time or money for lawyers. He needed another job now.
"It shouldn't be a problem" I told him after all he received job offers on every interview he had been on in his life so far. With all he knows, he will move on to bigger and better.
Not so.

The economy really started the downward spiral, I was pregnant I needed insurance, nobody would hire me in this condition.
We scoured the Internet, made calls, put his resume on every site imaginable and nothing.
He went on 30 interviews and never got a second call back.
Talk about a blow to your self esteem.

I have never seen my husband so depressed, feeling so worthless.
We were on the verge of losing everything and we would have lost our house if millions of people were not in the same position as us and the banks were waist high in people who could not pay their mortgages. We consider ourselves lucky because we just promised the bank we would sell our house and they agreed not to foreclose-yet.

So we put the house up for sale, E decided to work with his cousin in NH and we would move there.
"How are we going to live on a commission based job?" I asked. "We have no safety net, nothing to get us by until you can learn the job and make money!" I would argue.
"We have no choice, it is the only offer I have had in 9 months" E told me.

We had no choice.

To be continued....................

Wordless Wednesday

I'm A Horrible Reality TV Viewer, Get Me Out Of Here

Thins I learned While Watching The Most Education Summer Show, I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here:

1) My summer show standards (say that 3 times fast) is at a all new low.

2) Lou Diamond Phillips' head is very oddly shaped. I can't stop looking at it.

3) I think Janice Dickinson looks good for her age, but would look better without so much work and the oil she must grease her face with 24/7. It is like the gel they use for your ultrasound. Unless Janice's face is pregnant, she should lay off the stuff.

4) I miss Sanjaya's hair. Hair made that man.

5) Really "celebrities"? You may as well call this show I'm nobody you have ever heard of until now but now I invade your every thought with the shape of my head and greasy face sucka Get me Out Of Here.
It would ring more true.

6) Torrie can kick your ass. I am scared of her.

7) Some shows that were made in Britain are better off staying in Britain.