I remember

I remember 9/11/01 so clearly, like many people do. It was an exceptionally gorgeous day here, the sun was shining, there wasn't a cloud in the sky, not too hot or too chilly. I had just started a new job and it was my seventh day. I worked for a medium sized company located about 15 minutes from NYC. I loved it.

My boss called me and told me from the highway he was stuck on, he could see smoke from NYC, he said he thought a plane accidentally hit a building. Just then an announcement came over the building that the World Trade Center had been hit by a plane, and that we were all supposed to leave now and go home, it was just after 9:30am. I was frantically trying to call E's cell because I thought he was in NYC for a meeting. I heard they were closing the borders of NY, there would be no way to get home. The phone lines were jammed and I couldn't get through for 30 minutes, those were the worst minutes because I thought he had meetings in a hotel right next to the WTC.

In actuality, he was in Yonkers, NY and was one of the last cars to go over the bridge before they closed it to traffic in and out of NY. We both met at the end of our driveway and watched as the buildings burned. That's the thing about NJ, on a clear day you can see far into NYC and obviously, the view was amazing. It was altered that day, and as I left for work every day after that, I would look to my left because out of the corner of my eye something was missing. There was a huge hole in the skyline.

I did lose a friend from high school that was in the buildings, high above where the plane crashed, leaving her no way out. There was one good thing that happened that day. E & I realized that life was too short, and we decided to have a baby.
Baby A & B came out of that horrible day and the evil people felt for Americans.
They healed me and one day I just know they will change the world.

Full

The Sun

This is a repost because I needed this today, maybe so does someone else:

Did I ever tell you how I was stalked by Kabbalah peoples? Well, it was my own fault, I contacted them first.

OK, before you judge let me explain.
My father had just died. There was no reasoning in my world. I didn't believe in god, in fact if there was one, I despised him. I didn't want to hear "everything happens for a reason" or "god knows what he is doing" or any other ridiculous, thoughtless, obligatory shit. Oh... do babies die for a reason? Do children suffer every day for a reason?

That thinking just wasn't for me, and I wanted to strangle anyone who dare speak it to me. Including my Mom, the church goer, the god believer, the one who lost her own father was he was in his early 50s and she was 25, she of all people should have known better.
It could have been my denial and grief speaking, the fact that I myself wanted to die, the unbearable physical pain that wracked my body every day, the only escape was the shower where I would let it out, my cries silent, my body wet and crumpled not allowing anyone to see how truly fucked up I was.

So I searched not for answers per se, but for meaning. To life, to death, to ebb and flow, I am not sure, but I wanted there to be an answer. Even if I didn't like to hear it, I wanted to know and to grow from it.

I read.
Self help books, grieving books, books on Taoism, on life, on anything, searching. Kabbalah wasn't as prevalent as it is now, it wasn't yet cool to sport a red string but I researched it. It brought me comfort, it alluded to some answers. I contacted them to get more information. They called me every day for months, telling me about the books I would need and the prayer books, the materials, the string. To find my answer, it would have cost me hundreds, which I would have gladly paid, if I was sure. Every phone call they gave me, lead me away from them, they wanted my money, and maybe my soul.

Seven years later, I am older, not much wiser and I still don't have the answer I so desperately searched for, because it is not there.
Belief is what you need. Like my Mom, where belief is what gets her through the days, the people who believe in luck, or the person who believes their are spirits "guiding" them. Even the person who believes everything happens for a reason.
I believe there are good times and bad. Some people have more bad then good. Some people make the bad into good. I believe that people are not born bad, but made that way by other people, time and life.
I believe that bad things happen to good people and even assholes can get lucky sometimes. I believe it takes more then just money to make you happy. I believe in good friends, soul mates, that people need to take more responsibility with their lives and the lives of their neighbors.
I believe in goodness.
Is that faith? I have no idea, I just know what gets me through the day.

The Sun

Do I need a holiday to remind the people I love of my love for them? Of course not. It is nice to be valued every day of the year, but that is not a reality.
We get caught up in daily grind, taking out the garbage and who left the milk out. We have work and school work and returning phone calls to worry about instead.

Everyone has faults and yours can shrink while others intensify during the monotony of days together. Nobody writes that in a wedding card.

Times get tough and you will think of bailing. Why not? 50% of couples bail when the easy, wistfully love turns into work. Who wants to put effort into something that was so effortless? Is the outcome going to be worth the time and energy?


The "whys" take over your head, they come all the time even when you push them deep down. Maybe you just want to be the one who bails first. You always want the upper hand- even in demise.
Honestly not sticking it out is so much easier, and why for once, shouldn't your life be easy?


Truth is if you stick it out, it will be worth it. Maybe your roses won't bloom and nobody will write a book about you, you will not be famous for it.

What you will have is far greater- you will have your own respect. Your self worth will triple, your children will have an example set for them. You will teach generations that things get hard, people don't eat, promises will be broken, nights spent awake begging for a new future while trying to forget the past, lies told and tears spilled. BUT that the sun still rises.
After all of that you can look to your side and your partner has been there all along. They planted that garden with you, they have seen the storms and turmoils, even the ones you missed- all the while they were there. Holding your hand and praying for the sun.

Finally- there will be sun.

The Potty

You would think with all the parenting tricks up my sleeve by having 8 year old twins, I would rock the potty training thing with my 2 year old.

I stink at it.

I tend to think it is the fact that I am not home with him all day like I was with the twins now that I work during the week. I had a hard time with thee twins too and I feel like it was my hardest parenting task to date.
I tried the bribes, the new Thomas and Hulk underwear, the prmosie of school when he gets rid of his diapers but all he says is "ewww" when we tell him to go on the potty instead of his diaper.

He is disgusted by the whole process and I have to admit, I am too.

My plan was to have him trained by his 3rd birthday but that is 5 weeks away and I am getting no where fast.

So tell me, what are your secrets for getting them out of the diapers and into a potty seat?

Fear

For as long as I can remember my life has been governed by fear. Some of my earliest memories are waiting up for my parents when they were out late because I was sure they were in an accident. I knew as a child my father would die young- he did, 1 month after he turned 53.
I worry about money, about disappointing my parents, about being a good girl, about if I was doing enough with my life, if my kids are healthy, if we will find jobs, if my husband is happy enough with me, if my kids are stimulated enough, if I am kind enough.

I would have scenarios if someone broke into my house, tried to steal my kids or if someone I loved was terminally ill.

All worries. All have kept me up at night my mind a tornado of thoughts, fears and potential outcomes. Funny though after all those years and preparing for outcomes, it never helped when the bad did happen. It was like a dream and it was never dealt with.
I fear fear itself which is ridiculous.
I do see how absurd it is. I also thought that was how I was hard wired, I was born a worrier. But I don't want to be.

This new year is one where I promise myself not to worry about all the bad that will happen, because bad happens to everyone. I will hope for the good.
I will work for the good. I will not place my fears in my children's head.

And I will not worry if it is working or not.

Holidaze

Finally! All of the craziness and rush of the holidays are now over and I can breathe. The kids got everything they could have wanted, they had fun with their family and friends and so did we.
I ate (way too much!) and had lots of yummy new drinks and recipes I tried. Of course this time of year is always melancholy for me as I miss my Dad so much still.
Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year and my dad was always a huge part of that. Since he has been gone, it is just not the same. Sometimes I think I haven't even finish grieving and that pain is still so real. I need to help myself with that.

At least this year of new house, new friends, new town, new job, new school is over and we can look to the new year to get back into a groove and get back what we lost.
We can only go forward, right?!