K

Two years and five months ago this miracle came into our world:



Dont let his blue as sky eyes and curly locks fool you, this angle is a devil in disquise.
He is almost always dirty and always into things. He helps himself to whatever is in the fridge, climbs on the train table, throws food onto the floor and screams "no" when is told what to do.
He has both his older brother and sister wrapped around his fingers, as well as his parents.

He climbs up ladders with no fear, copies his older siblings and cousins. He wants to be a big boy but is still a little man. But make no mistake, if you tell him he cannot do something- he will prove you wrong. He can and will.

He eats too much junk, loves to sip our coffees if left unattended and throw things into the tub. He makes more of a mess than the twins put together and loves to call other kids "baby" no matter how much older they are then him.
His curls are almost always matted with juice and his feet are always black even though he wears shoes. He picks out his only clothes and loves to watch the same episode of Barney over and over (I know!).

He demands attention any where he goes and old and young, stranger or family he gets it. He was named after my father and he certainly has his personality, Fun, warm, sweet, fun, kind and outrageous.

I love him deeply and madly. I fought to have him and can't stand to see him grow so quickly. I want him to stay my baby forever.

Sometimes at bedtime when he has his blankey drapped over his chubby belly and calls for me to come lay with him in my bed, I will the image and feeling of his little arm around me gently patting my back, to stay with me forever.
I know it is something I will feel again as I leave this Earth.

Our hearts are forever intertwined and I wouldn't have it any other way.

1 Bathroom Home

"Well, I am N E V E R eating at papaya king again!"

"why?" I asked

"I feel sick add that is all I ate today"

"But you just ate a sandwich from Blimpie"

"Nope. It is too soon for it to be Blimpie, I knew that hot dog looked funny to me today"

"A funny looking hot dog? Isn't that an oxymoron? How does a hot dog look any different than it usually does?" I ask as he runs off to the bathroom.


Let me tell you, this is going to be one of those nights I don't care how poor I was, I want my 4 big bathroom house in NH back!

My Rules

Believe in something

Don't look back to feel sorry for yourself, look back to see how far you have come and to learn something

Notice the little things- they are usually most important

Listen to what your mom says because she is usually right

Hate is not the opposite of love, it takes too much energy. They are closely related and each mean you care. Indifference is the true opposite of love

Always carry MILK (money, ID, lipstick, keys)

Dance in the rain with someone you love

Don't be stingy with your love but be picky

Hug a stranger

Go somewhere by yourself with bare essentials and a good book

Listen to other people's stories. Everyone has one and they are always fascinating.
They will tell you about yourself

Don't believe in fate but do believe in Karma

Hold a baby

Make a wish on a shooting star every time you see one

Always help others, there is not one reason not to

Truly listen

The answers are everywhere, just breathe

Make sure you have a good, firm handshake

Laugh so hard that you can't breathe, repeat often

Everything is beautiful you just have to look

Your parents are right- you won't really know what true, undeniable, awe-inspiring love is until you have your own child

Don't give up on yourself. Never give up

**********************
Those are my rules, now let me know what yours are......

For R

When I was pregnant with my twins, I thought they were both girls. When I found out baby A was a boy I was very surprised, it was if I never knew I could create one of those. Maybe I was just hoping for a girl.

Boy did I get one. R is sweet and spice and everything nice- sometimes.
I read once that a mother daughter relationship is tough because you see all of their faults as your own.
Maybe that is true and maybe it is not but I see how difficult a mother/daughter relationship can be and I have only been at it for seven years.

R is almost mythical to me. Sometimes I just stare at her as if I don't know what to do with her. It is as if I found a unicorn in the woods, would I want to jump on it and ride it as fast as I could to see all that it could do and scream to the world about what I just found, or would I gently pat the beast and look tenderly in its eyes knowing what it knows and visit it every day while telling not a sole about this wonderful creature?


I love the way she laughs with her mouth open and her head tilted back. I love the way the short hair around her face curl on a humid day. I love that her eyes are so green they remind me on Christmas trees.
She is tall and lean built like and athlete. She is fast. She is brave. She is kind to others and is a good student. She makes friends with everyone.
She is everything I want to be.

I want whisper in her ear all the mistakes I made so she wouldn't repeat them. I want to make sure she loves herself as much as she should.
I fear for her when she wants to act older, I want her to enjoy being seven for seven more months, it goes too fast. Every day she wakes up she is a little older with a little less "little girl" written all over her face.
She can tell me she doesn't like princesses or dolls or playing polly pockets anymore all she wants. To me, I think even when she is an adult, I will still see her as my little girl with her head held back with a huge smile on her face playing with her dolls in my arms.

I especially love that I know it will be one of my final pictures in my mind as I leave this world.
I love you R- for eternity.

Where I Am Now.

I often wonder if most people are like me, constantly examining where they are in their lives?
Am I where I should be? Am I content? Do I do things differently from now on?

Being honest with myself, I stayed a stay at home mom for too long. I needed something else to occupy my time and brain. I thought being home with the kids 24/7 was what they needed but what about what I needed?

I like where I am right now, I am working great hours, just got a raise, being with my kids after school/camp, lost a good amount of weight and although E says I am too hard on myself, I still promise myself before I fall asleep every night to be a better mom and wife tomorrow.
Why do I still have no patience with the twins fighting with each other? Why do I yell so much? Why raise my voice when I don"t have to?

I try. That is all I can ask of myself and the only reason my self doubt doesn't evolve into self loathing.


I hate cooking in this kitchen and I figured it out- it is because this kitchen sucks. It is small and has no dishwasher. There is no counter space.
All of my top of the line, stainless steel appliances are in the garage collecting dust as I try to bake cookies, 6 at a time in my tiny stupid oven.

I love to cook and bake and it frustrates me I have no room for groceries and no counter space to speak of. Cooking doesn't bring me joy anymore- it is a daily chore now.
I get that I am only punishing myself and my kids by not cooking anymore and I think of great chefs who cook in TEENY kitchens in NYC.

I promise to try more for my family. To not get too upset when I decided to just "prepare" dinner instead of making dinner. I won't put too much pressure on myself.
It is all I can ask of myself, enough to be happy but keep the loathing at bay.

Pasta, Baby

he Wanna vote for this cutie? He and I would appreciate the prize and will reward you with more cute belly photos in the future. You can vote for him (every day :)) Here:

http://ronzonismarttaste.newworldpasta.com/blogger/

you can also find great recipes on the Ronzoni site as well as be a fan on facebook.

Summer Time

I never dread the end of school. I love my kids and it isn't until week 3 of summer vacation that I get exasperated by the lack of being able to occupy their days what with the 349,347 toys and games they have.
I love summer and not being rushed or have the whole day to explore with each other.

This summer is a little different as R & L will be going to camp M-F from 9-3 while I work and L is at my sister's house. I know they will love camp with their friends and when it is over we will have a few weeks to go to the beach, amusement parks and other fun day trips before football practice for L begins.

I am excited about this coming summer and what we will do. I am still loving my job (I just got a raise!) and my flexible schedule. In the fall things will be a little different as I will have more responsibility around the house because E is going to be getting his masters degree at night. Change is good, right? These past two years have been all about change and I think it has made me a better person.

I know this summer will be great for all of us.

My Big Wet Surprise

Last Saturday I decidded to go to a mall in my hometown. I say a mall because there are no less than 3 malls in my town. I went with my three kids in tow for a fun day of shopping and bonding. The baby decided he needed "more milk, momma" so off to Whole Foods which is attached to the mall, we went.

I bought him some milk, in addition to a couple of other things and we got on the check out line. Right then all the kids started to asking for things, talking and then it hit- a huge sneeze.
This was a big one and since it creeped up on me, I was unprepared. As soon as I sneezed I felt a wet drip down my leg.

Yes, I indeed wet my pants. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.

It wasn't that much, a spot on my pants, but it was enought and it felt like everyone in the store knew what had just happened. "Is this really happening" I asked myself. Yes, It was.
I just peed my pants in a big girl store. The moral of the story is that I need to do more kegels.
Also? I will remember this event ad when the kids are old enough I will have to remind them of just what they did to my body.

Wordless Wednesday

The New Me

This time of year makes me the most melancholy. As if that explains what I am thinking and doing now in my life. It is that first day of spring where you have your windows open all day, and at dusk the cool breeze blows hard down your back and makes you want a sweater but you keep the windows open a little longer?

That day makes me melancholy. Maybe wistful.

I feel better about myself than I have in ages. I have lost weight, I have a income, I am seeing my friends again a couple of times a month. I have new friends. I am doing things outside my comfort zone.

I knew staying home with the twins when they were born over 7 years ago was important- and something I wanted to do.
We decided giving up my salary was something we could sacrifice for it, but I am just now realizing what else I sacrificed in the meantime.
Myself.

Everything was about my kids- especially since we had no friends or family near us to help. That is how it is supposed to be but it really took a toll on my marriage, my appearance, my life. It was if I had no idea who I was anymore besides a mom.

I am coming into myself and it feels fantastic. After this long journey of E losing his job and us scrambling, fighting and praying for 2 years, it feels great to be able to breathe again.
I doubted you people when you said to keep strong and that we would come out on the other side.
We have a ways to go to get back to where we were but we will do it.

I can do it.

Points Of Interest

Are my kids the only ones that are fascinated with the Empire Carpet commercial? The twins would always stop what they were doing to watch when they heard that jingle and know K loves it as well.

I never thought I would ever want plastic surgery but these dark circles under my eyes make me look tired all the time. If I could get rid of them quickly I would! My boss is even considering having a botox party and for a split second I wanted to go.

I am SICK of my bras. SICK. They all stink. I know I am an adult because I am fantisising about spending hours in the Macy's bra department trying out every bra and finding the perfect one.
Now, only if Macy's served drinks in the dressing rooms.

Why do my kids have more/better clothes than I do??

When dd I get my mom's thighs?

What is with this silly bands obsession? Really, wearing shaped rubber bands on your wrist? I am buying them why?? Yet, I get all into it and look for the newest ones for my kids.

What is going on with you these days?

Marriage

This year E and I will be married for ten years. That still hasn't sunk in yet. Ten years is a long time and I still feel like I was on my honeymoon 3 years ago.
I know I was ready to get married. We had been dating for awhile, we talked about marriage and I never got cold feet. I think I had done enough in my single life that I have no regrets, but I wonder what you think is a "must do" before marriage?

I want to know what you would your advise your own child to do before getting hitched?

Do you think you should have your own apartment?
Have had sex with more than one person?
Be over a certain age?

I would love to hear what you think as a complile my list for my own children.

To Stay Or Go?

It is a funny thing about this blogging, these days I don't have it in me. When a blogger I love quits blogging and complains about life getting in the way I usually get mad. How much effort does blogging really take after all?
Now with my new job (love!) and settling back in NJ near all of my family and friends life has gotten in my way too.

I am busy and I am not complaining. I love my new job and my boss (who is BFFs with a reality TV star and by proxy I am getting to know- which is wierd). My kids are great but they keep me busy with playdates, school work and making sure their days are filled with memories of a good mom. E loves his new job and is doing so well- just like we knew he would.

I started this blog to journal my days as a stay-at-home mom to my new twins. Now 6 years and one more kid later- I wonder where I am going with this blog.

I hope I stay, even if it is a little more effort on my part because I do enjoy it and my friends I have met doing it.

Let's see my friends, where shall I go next?

Time

I remember the dream clearly. When I finally awoke from one nightmare and into another, I had been crying for some time.
Begging him to know, to understand how much I love him. How he was the best, and that was not something that people just said- I meant it with every ounce of energy in my being.

Sometimes words aren't enough. I couldn't find words in the English language to express it- no one had invented it yet.

"I am sorry he told me, but you don't need me- I didn't teach you anyway, you were the teacher."
How can that be? Every single day I extract words and thoughts and lessons from you and bring them into my own consciousness.

"Then aren't they yours all along, just now you are ready to accept them?"

If you weren't good, or better than good then why is there a gaping hole in my body where my heart used to beat? Why does it feel okay to give up? Why would a good person, a truly great man just go while others, less men, bad people stay?

"I don't know. There are no words. They haven't been invented yet.
As for memories and lessons they will stay as long as you let them in to remain. Teach your children well.
Be generous with your time and love. Family is always number one. Don't cry for me, I don't deserve it. I wish I had given you more. Of everything." he replied.

I wished he had given me more of everything too.
But time is a bitch and she comes calling to all of us sooner or later.
What will you leave as your mark?

E

I met E at work. I swore I would never date a co-worker again but E had a different idea. I went over his house once and from that day on we have been together.

When I met E he wore tight jeans and had a beard. I told him I didn't like beards and the next day it was gone.
He couldn't keep a secret and wore work boots every day.

Still I fell for him and a month later I was sure one day I would marry him.
Four years later I did just that.


His jeans are looser now and the beard never made another apperance. We are older and slightly wiser.
He loves me as much as he did that first night I visited him.

I love him even more.
Happy Birthday E, I can't wait for the next 40.
Together.

Health

Well, that was an experience.

On a trip for a routine physical for the school our new pediatrician noticed L was wheezing and gave him some meds. Then some more and more even. When nothing worked they told E to go straight to the emergency room with him. That was last Wednesday and he finally came home yesterday morning.
Thank goodness he is all better and just has to follow up with the doctor next week. That was one of the scariest "parenting" times I have had these past seven years.
The first night we were in the hospital as L finally slept, I sat in the corner and cried. I cried for the parents who had to be in a hospital with kids much more sick than L, I cried for the parents who left without their little ones and I cried for my baby- that he would only get better not worse.
It is hard being a parent and these stressful, hard times are only made easier remembering that health is the most important thing in our lives. As long as we are all healthy in my little family, everything else can be dealt with and we can be happy.

Update

I am sorry I haven't updated in awhile. My 7 year old son had an asthma attack that was so severe he has been in the hospital since Wednesday. He is doing much better and should be able to go home tomorrow.
His twin sister and baby brother miss him so much. E and I have been shuffling them back and forth with family so we can stay with L in the hospital all the time.
This was very scary since he was never diagnosed with asthma.
I will be back soon with hopefully, a great update.

Happy Easter!

The Truth

Thank goodness I don't have to go to the doctor's office too often. Truth be told, I don't even have a doctor here in NJ yet. I will pick one soon enough and off I will go for my physical, I want to know how I am doing and just what my blood tests come back saying.
Not that I really want to know, I do not- but as I am rapidly approaching another 30-something birthday I am reminded that I need to take better care of myself for my kids. No matter what I am doing or not doing, I can do more.

As I am relatively healthy and have weaned myself off of all my asthma meds and only take an over the counter allergy pill every day, I don't have much to report to my new doctor. That is unless I want to be honest.

Honestly my medical complaint is that I can sometimes pee when I cough, or sneeze too hard.
I know, I know I had BIG ole babies who did the Irish jig on my bladder every day for 39 and 40 weeks respectively. I know this happens to many women.
I know, so that is why I did my kegels.

I do them during boring church sermons, I do them during work to pass the time, I do them during sex to see if it feels any different. I do them.

Still every time I have a bad cold with cough and a runny nose? Well I just put on a pantyliner and call it a day. I am a hot mess.

Do I tell the doctor about my "condition" or do I buy some adult diapers while pretending to buy them for a sick Aunt and chalk it up to being a woman?

Unfaithful

"All men are animals" my friend told me once. She was referencing her husband who would "comb his hair" in the bathroom for an awfully long time, way too often.
Way too often for her taste, anyway.

"Not all men" I would tell her, I mean look at E, he is a great husband and someday I knew he would make a good father too. He would never degraded me or cheat on me or do anything to jeopardize what we have.

Then you hear about friends who have broken up. "He cheated" someone would openly whisper. You would see a married co-worker at the bar without his ring on.

John Edwards, Tiger Woods, Jesse James, John McCain, John F. Kennedy, all these names and many more run through your head.

Just why can't men be happy with what they have? Is there such a thing as a committed monogamous man?
It is something I never thought I would have to worry about but with marriages crumbling around me in these last 9 years of marriage, I adhere to the never say never rule.
We know the people closest to us can hurt us the most. Is love ever just enough?


I tell you from experience: waiting for the other shoe to drop is exhausting. I have exhausted myself.
I want to know do you worry about your partner? Do you think men can have a one true love and be faithful forever?

Me, I believe in love and that love can overcome things you never thought possible.

The Elderly And Their Toast

I went to breakfast with my daughter today. We went to our local diner. Diners are a NJ staple and for those of you without diners in your life, I feel bad for you.
Open 24/7, order breakfast for dinner and get cheese fries with gravy on the side at 2am after a drunken night out- how do you live without it?

Anyway, old people love diners. Good food at a good value plus waitresses that will listen to you talk about your day? It is an old person's wet dream. Wait- do old people still have wet dreams?

I heard an old couple next to us complaining about their toast, it was not toasty nor buttery enough for them and I realized just how much old peeps like to complain.

It got me wondering, do octogenarian complain because they are fed up with even the littlest crap that goes wrong or does it just make them feel alive.
Yelling about toast may empower them and make them feel better about the fact that their pubes are grey.
Or that their bodies resemble a shar pei's face.

I am so not looking forward to that.

So the point of this post, if you can take anything from it ,is that diners rock and getting old sucks.

The End.