Things, Observed

Things I can't stop buying even though I don't need any more:
-cute hair clips/bows/ribbons for my daughter
-a good baby blanket
-slippers
-beach towels
-throw blankets

Things I have too much of but also can't get rid of:
-clothes my daughter has outgrown
-sarcasm
-grey hair
-scrunchies
-fat
-endless fear
-single socks just hoping that the match will magically show up.

Things I notice about NH:
-so this is where all the lesbians have been (loves it!)
-EVERYONE looks like they shop at LL Bean
-the edgy people shop at Lands' End
-they hate makeup here
-people like to stare
-enough with the personalized license plates already!
-nobody beeps their horn. Ever. Good when you cut someone off, not so good when you are trying to get the point across that you in fact do not change lanes while looking for lost coins on the floor of your car. Fuck it, I still beep.
-these things they call bagels? They are the distant cousin of a roll. Not even close people.

Things that I just cannot do no matter how hard I try:
-meditate. I mean how do you turn off your brain?
-poop on vacation or out of my area of comfort (anywhere but home. shhh)
-sit on a public toilet seat
-a back bend, past the age of 20. It would make a great sex trick.
-pick up the phone without checking the caller ID
-knit anything other than a rudimentary scarf, dishcloth or hot plate.

Planning

I am a planner.
I like to make plans and lists. I like to know what I am going to serve for Christmas dinner in October.
I worry about what birthday gifts would be perfect for my kids months before their birthday.
I like to know where I am going to be, how long I will be there and exactly what route to take to get home.

The past few years have tested my planning capabilities. It is hard to plan for Christmas dinner if you don't know where you will be, or how much money you will have to spend for food that week.
It has tested my patience and my faith.

I decided when we moved to NH that I will reinvent myself. I would lose my bad habits and be open to change.
Change is usually not a word in my vocabulary. I hate change.
I made a pact with myself to do things that were outside of my comfort zone once a month. I have kept that promise to myself did so by doing things like joining a MOMs group here, jumping off a 25 foot cliff in Colorado, going to a blog event without knowing anyone and putting myself out there more.

Still, I feel unsure of myself and my life. There is something to be said about letting life take you away without any plans but I think that is a life better suited for single people. When you have kids you have to plan.

I have no idea why life is testing my faith, marriage, trust and children this way. Still I am open to what is to come, even though that comes with deep sadness and complete fear of the unknown.

Ghostly Encounters

Well, I think it goes without saying that I need some cheering up.
I have always liked Halloween but now that I am a parent it has renewed my love for this holiday and everything scary.
I have always loved scary movies and books and I am obsessed with ghost stories.

I have no real experience with ghosts although one time we were staying at a rental property at the beach for a few days with our kids. When we pulled up to the old house my then 4 year old son asked me whose house this was.
I told him it was the house we were going to be staying in.
Then he asked who the girl in the window was, and when I looked nobody was there.
Creepy!

Tell me your ghost encounters or stories and amuse me.
Please? Don't make me beg!

Good Mood Gig from SAM-e

You Would Think Maybe Once I would Have Good News For You

You would think that maybe, I would have good news for you. But you would be wrong.
The rinky dink job E took just so we can squeak by? The one that was a 50% pay cut? The one we were thankful to have because at least we had health insurance?
They laid E off today BY FED EX!!!!!!!! They can't pay him anymore so they let him go.

I swear life keeps getting better.

Please if anyone has any connection with pharma sales on the east coast let me know!

Please vote everyday.

Good Mood Gig from SAM-e

My Six Year Old Son

My son L is one of the three sweetest gifts I have ever received.
Sure he is a rooster and wakes at the crack of dawn every day of his life since birth. Even though he awakes before any person on Earth should be upright and have to function, he does so with a smile. He never wakes up grumpy or cranky. He finds beauty in the mundane telling me "how beautiful the sky looks" at age 3.

L is sweet to everyone, a love. He gets very worried when I am sad or upset. He is worried that he was the one to disappoint me. He is the most sensitive of all my children. He will cry over a mistake he made on a drawing, or gets frustrated with himself if he doesn't remember how much a dime is worth or can't read a word.
We try and be patient we tell him that everyone makes mistakes. Nobody is perfect.

Last Christmas we gave the kids each $5 to buy the other and E and I a gift at the holiday gift sale at school. Christmas morning he presented me and his twin sister R, with a box. He picked out a single red rose for R, something he knew she would like (and she did. For me he picked out a gold ring with a blue stone set in the middle.
"Because blue is your favorite color" he told me. I cried, I was so proud of this thoughful, loving, kind boy of mine.
This sweet son of mine picked out such a lovely gift for me and his sister.


When we went back to NJ for my grandfather's funeral, he promised he would write one of my cousins, that they would become pen pals. Today he wrote his first letter to his cousin, a little note thanking him for writing and that he loved him. On the back of his letter he wrote something I have to remember more often, something I vow to remember in the sunlight but sometimes in the darkness I forget.
He wrote: Life is good.

Yes son it is, it can be very good.




Please remember to vote for me everyday here.

Wordless Wednesday

It is so beautiful here this time of year it almost makes me feel guilty for hating New Hampshire. I really don't hate it here, but I am angry we didn't make it work. There has to be a reason we ended up here, I am just waiting to see what it is.

I normally never post pictures of my gorgeous kids but this is a great picture of the twins.


Also? Please don't forget about voting for me! You can vote every day through October 30th and feel free to tweet it or pass it along!
Thank you so much!

Good Mood Gig from SAM-e

A Favor To Me

Friends, I have come across a blogging contest for a job which would allow us to be able to pay for a new place to live.
I would love to win this one but it is going to take a lot of help. Would you consider voting for me? You can vote once a day until October 30, which is not a lot of time.

Good Mood Gig from SAM-e

I would love it if you could spare a vote for me and maybe pass it on to friends or family. Thank you for coming to read my site, for caring about my and my family and for your prayers.
I am humbled and I appreciate them more than I could tell you.

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These

"Mom, one day I want you to live with me" I would often say to my mother when I was a child.

"You come live with me and Daddy and I will have plenty of room because I will live in a mansion" I would say
"How are you going to live in a mansion?" my mother would always reply.

"I am going to marry a rich husband!" I would tell my mother with all the determination a 10 year old could muster.
She would wipe the curls from my face and give me the look that meant she didn't think I could do it.

I would do it and prove her wrong I would tell myself.
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I knew I never wanted to be a grown up. While my friends were all wishing they could be adults and have ice cream whenever they wanted and stay up late, I knew what being a grown up was like and it didn't look like any fun.

I was right.
The hardest part of being me these days is trying to figure out where it all went wrong. I had plans, aren't you supposed to have plans? Why is that mine never worked out?

The life I woke up with today is the polar opposite of where I thought I would be when I pictured 35.
I pictured a medium sized house that I owned, a manicured lawn with many flowers that were always blooming. I saw a turret and four kids, living down the street and around the bend from my family. I envisioned play dates with my friends from school and their children, lots of arts and crafts with no worries of glue or permanent marker and a homemade snack sitting on the counter waiting for my children to return from school.

I never once saw me tired from constant stress, worried about how much I can spend on groceries this week or figuring out how people who are educated and want to work can't find jobs.
I never thought I could not make my vision a reality.
I never thought it could get this bad.
The nights are the hardest. That is when E gets down and I have to pick him back up even though I have no desire to. I want to wallow too.
I want to yell and scream and kick and cry, the ugly cry that wracks my body with convulsions of tears. Sometimes I feel like I have cried every last tear and my body can't possibly produce more.
Then I fall into bed exhausted. Spent. Emotionally drained.

That is when I pray for the darkness of sleep to wash over me so I can dream.
In my dreams I have roses of all colors growing on my white picket fence, the fence that I own and there is no reason to cry anymore.

The Bear

My grandfather was a good man. He was brilliant and funny and always had a great story to tell. He was the man who had great parties. He was the one you wanted sitting next to you on the long car ride.
He was the first generation in this country and like many Irish immigrants did they settled in New Jersey were there was others from the mother country.

He was an athlete and a big man/ His nickname in the neighborhood he lived in for 45 years was The Bear.
He was a hard worker, he didn't have the easiest life but who among us does? When he left this place he left me mad at myself, I still had more to ask him, I had more to learn from him and now the questions will have to go unanswered.

When I walked into the funeral home the first thing I noticed was the big picture of my grandfather and my father with their arms around each other smiling as big as they could.
My father took after his father's footsteps and was the life of the party, the storyteller, the one that carried on the family business.
The peace I have is knowing that father and son are reunited somewhere again.

I know they are somewhere having a million laughs, some good stories and a whole lotta vodka.

Lights go out and I can't be saved, Tides That I Tried To Swim Against

It is just a house, it is just a house, just four walls and a roof.
This house though, is what made it okay to leave what I knew and try a chance at a new life in a new state.

We saw this house when E decided he should take a job with his cousin and move up here since after hundreds of interviews there were no job offers in New Jersey. The owners had the house on the market for years, It was old, and needed a lot of work done, some TLC and some vision of what it could be. The owners were desperate, we made a deal with them and E's cousin to lease this house with the option to buy as soon as we could.

The house needed a lot and it would cost a lot to heat but the kids would each have their own big bedrooms and the bathrooms were enormous. Plenty of room for my visiting family to stay and a playroom that was spacious and perfect for three kids who would want their own "space" away from their parents in the blink of an eye.

Now the owners told us they have to put the house on the market breaking all deals with us and not returning our calls. We were paying the mortgage and taxes on this house, the company is not doing well, E took a second job that is not doing well at all and we can't pay the high taxes as well as the high rent.
As I type this I am waiting for their real estate agent to come in and start putting our lives on hold again.

We put SO much time and money into this house already, money we didn't have. E & his family spent months painting this house, refinishing the terrible wood floor, putting up blinds and a new counter in the kitchen and they want to cash in on all of our hard work and leave us on the street.


We have nothing.
Nothing.

Can you imagine that for a second?

I appreciate your kind comments and sweet emails.
I want to hang in there, I want to believe we are good parents, but I don't.
Good parents have a house for their kids to live in.
Good parents don't disappoint their kids and let them down. Good parents don't fuck up every decision they make.

We don't know where to go, to try and stay or pack it all back in for NJ?

The questions are endless and my mind spins only calmed by the sleeping pills I have to take just to get to sleep every night.
Even they are not dependable anymore.
The only thing I can depend on is feeling like a failure, like a worthless person who can't even get a job interview to help her family from falling into the cracks.

Every month goes by and I have hopes bigger than the last month.
This month the calls will come with job interviews.
This time we will catch a break finally. If we just hope something will come through. We worked so hard, it has to pay off soon, maybe by the end of the week.....
And the days turn into weeks, that turn into seasons and nothing has improved in two long years.

I have to be honest, I don't have much hope or positive energy left in me. I am tired. So very, very tired.

I just want to give up.

Enough

I am sick.
My Grandfather has suffered a massive stroke.
The owners of our house want to put the house on the market and we have no options, no money and we will have no where to live.

We are terrible parents.
We don't deserve our kids and they don't deserve us.

I don't know how to get us out of this hole.

Wordless Wednesday

Nine

This year has been the hardest one of them all.
It has been filled with stresses and second guessing all of the huge decisions we had to make. Hard enough to do on our own, but when we have to think of our kids too, it gets even harder.

I have yelled, I have bargained with higher powers, I have pleated, I have been resentful, I have been sad, I have been depressed, I have held positive thoughts, I have thrown my hands in the air and screamed "why?", I have thought about giving up, I have had my good moments, I have had my share of bad but all of those things I have done? The only thing that makes them better is that you have done them with me.

You are a warrior. You are my strength when I have none.
You are my support when I meed some.
You are my light when every thing is dark.
You are thoughtful and kind.
You are my best friend and the best man.
There is no better father in the world, and nobody I would rather raise kids with.

I know I don't always close the drawers all the way and you never fill the basket with diapers. You never put coffee on the grocery list and I get anxiety over packing up baby clothes. In daily life those seem like faults but it doesn't matter.
None of it matters. Only you and me and the family we created out of love.

Who ever said marriage isn't easy wasn't kidding. It is hard.
Let's see what the universe has in store for us the next nine years and nineteen more after that.
I truly can't wait.

Love always, Tuesday Girl


Even though we ain't got money
I'm so in love with ya honey
Everything will bring a chain of love
In the mornin' when I rise
Bring a tear of joy to my eyes
And tell me everything's gonna be all right

What Happens At Borders........

All last week I had been so excited for the weekend. Weekends for stay at home mothers are no different then any other day there is just more people at home to annoy you.

Anyway, I decided I was going to go to Borders and get myself a nice cup of coffee and read a book.

Yes, I said READ a book not buy one and bring it home to read.
Have you heard of something called the recession and have you not read my endless, boring posts about my HORRIBLE financial state? All the cool kids in NYC do it, so can I.

I have been dying to read Kathy Griffin's book so I went Saturday morning and scoped out the place to find the best possible seat and plopped myself down for a good read.
Three quarters of the way through I decided it was coffee time and I headed for the cafe. I sat down with my vanilla latte and very interesting book just as two college aged boys came in, one who was carrying an overflowing backpack.

Next came one of the most interesting, unexplained things I have ever seen:
The overflowing backpack guy took out a GALLON of 2% milk and a rather large family size box of Fruit Loops placed them on the table and got to talking with his friends.

The unanswered questions were racing around in my head: Did they bring a bowl? Why bring cereal to a book store? Why were they not eating the cereal? Were they trying to lure small children to their table? Did he just wink at me?
WHERE IS YOUR BOWL SIR?

I wanted to stay as long as they did so I can see where these cats were going with the Fruit Loops but I had to leave at some point.

I will be back next weekend for some fiction, a latte and hopefully a big bowl a cereal.
I'll bring the bowls.


************
Last week I made cornices and curtains. When I say I, I mean my in-laws did 90% of the work while I baby wrangled. Go check out how we did it and what the finished product looks like.

The Good Girl

Lately we have been having some problems with our daughter R.
She is a born leader, even in the womb she redirected all the nutrients for her and her twin brother got the scraps- hence the one pound weight difference.
She is the boss of her brothers and her parents- or so she thinks.

First it began with too much talking during class- a normal problem and one I had as a child occasionally as well. Then it was tattling on kids for simple things and telling someone that another girl "wasn't a good friend."
The other day it was the principal hearing R tell another child "I will punch you in the eye!".
Yesterday it was the bus driver having to tell her to not scream on the bus.

We are into week 3 of school and I am exhausted.
After every one of these problems we sit her down, ask her reasoning for doing it and explain why it is not acceptable behavior.
She is obsessed with the older kids in school and frequently tells me she "wants to be a teenager".

"Slow down" I tell her, "you are only little once, enjoy playing and laughing and not having anything to do for the day but have fun."


I do not know what to do. I feel I am failing her as a parent. E and I have tried to understand behaviors and reward good ones and ignore/discipline bad ones (depending on age appropriateness) but I never want her to be known as "the bad girl" at school because the truth is she really isn't.
She is smart and sweet and loving.

I get complimented all the time on my children's behavior and have since they were infants. So why, when they leave my care for 7 hours a day does R act like a different child?


I want to take her by the shoulders and shake her while I tell her "you are being a mean child, nobody will invite you to parties, teachers will not want you in their class, kids will not be your friend!"

But I don't.

I want to get through to her, but I am just not sure how to.
I love her so much, I just don't want to fail her.


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I have a favor to ask, I would love comments on my other blog for a contest I entered. If I get the most comments one of the comments will win a $100 GC! So, just leave me a comment (or two, or 3430) and I will comment back!
While you are there add me to your blogroll you will not be disappointed!

It Is Like Wiping With Cotton Balls

I try to be as environmentally friendly as I can. We recycle, buy environmentally friendly cleaners, buy local and organic when possible (so much harder to do in NH)and use compact fluorescent light bulbs.
I may be green but my heiney is not.

I have tried to use "green" or recycled toilet paper in the past, but I just can't do it anymore. It is hard, thin and the opposite of absorbent. Think public restroom toilet paper or doctors office tissues.
Not conducive to gastrointestinal infections or your period.

Anything that is going to lead to a red, swollen anus I am not into.
Poor E.

So, I switch back to my regular TP, Quilted Northern with its light, billowy texture and the absorbency of a thousand Sham Wows. Not too linty and not too thin, it is the toilet paper of the gods.

Of course the label on the front of the package that says "septic safe" is really what sold me, I have never had septic before and the thought of our backyard overflowing with shit- literally, makes me want to run back to NJ.
In heels.


I can try to be more Earth friendly out of the bathroom, but when it comes to my ass, we need some comfort in the form of a soft quilted bath tissue.
Amen.

VMA Recap- Lady KahKah

Friends, we have SO much to talk about. First let's go full on VMAs.
I have to say watching the VMAs makes me feel old and I try to stay away from anything that ages me like ruched bathing suits and wigs.
I try and stay on the cutting edge of celebrity/bands/whats hot, but it is exhausting. Especially when there is a house full of people crying about how the like to eat dinner and have clean clothes.
Babies!

Anywhoo lets get to it. Lady Gaga.
I really don't know too much about her except that R & I love to sing "Let's Dance" at the top of our lungs in the car.
I started to love her because her date for the evening was Kermit the Frog. I have been wanting a date with him since 1977. Kudos to the best date 'o the night!
I can't with her fashion choices though:




In this look I think she is going for "herpes chic". Red, fiery hot, all encompassing and most importantly: itchy.
I don't get it, don't you want to be able to see? Anything?
This is bad. Really bad. Makes me long for the Bjork swan dress.
Imagine that walked down the catwalk on Project Runway? Michael Kors would sh*t himself.


Next we have a version of Hitchcock's "The Birds" being played out right upon her body. Well done Gaga- or Lady Khakah which is how I will be referring to you from now on.


Does she want to look like a robot? Or is that starry, far away look in her eyes just because she smoked something extra special backstage?
If that is the case, pass it over here.


Even though my Lady was wearing something around her face akin to a Lion's mane or maybe a family of porcupines were eating her, she still couldn't bring herself to look at Perez's yellow painted hands.
It is almost too much to bear for me. The jokes, the why's? they just keep coming.
Poor Beyonce.


SQUEAL! This is my FAVORITE. Okay, she is dressed like a hooker, but the best part is the dancer standing next to her- he is wearing a white lace thong as a surgical mask! LOVE!
Of course this scenario plays out in frat houses all across this great nation every day, but on stage- it is glorious.
Check out the guy behind him, he likes it even more than I do!


Do we have to talk about Kanye?
I am sure what a douchebacg he is has already been written a thousand times over already. He sucks and no matter how great a artist he may be he sure acts like a terrible person.

Lastly, I heard Janet Jackson was preparing for months to get this tribute out for Micheal. Um.
It looked like she spent 15 minutes rehearsing for a 2 minute dance routine. When the backup dancers ALL out perform Janet- it may be time to hang it up.

Today

This was the first year where I didn't have 9/11 thoughts looming over me days before the anniversary. Maybe it is because I am no longer in NJ and the hole I would see every day is no longer in my peripheral view.
Maybe it has been enough time that it is not in my thoughts so much anymore.
It was a crazy point in time.

Here is a re-post of what that day was like for me:

I remember 9/11/01 so clearly, like many people do.
It was a gorgeous day in New Jersey and New York, the sun was shining, there wasn't a cloud in the sky, not too hot or too chilly.
I had just started a new job and it was my seventh day. I worked for a medium sized company located about 10 minutes from NYC. I loved it.

My boss called me and told me from the highway he was stuck on, he could see smoke from NYC, he said he thought a plane accidentally hit a building.
Then an announcement came over the building intercom system that the World Trade Center had been hit, and that we were all supposed to leave now and go straight home.
I did just that. I was frantically trying to call E's cell because I thought he was in NYC for a meeting. I heard they were closing the borders of NY, there would be no way to get home. The phone lines were jammed and I couldn't get through for 30 long minutes.
Those were the worst minutes because I thought his meetings were being held in a hotel right next to the WTC.

In actuality, he was in Yonkers, NY and was able to get home. We both met at the end of our driveway and watched from our normally magnificent views, as the buildings burned.
That's the thing about NJ, on a clear day you can see far into NYC and obviously, the view was amazing. It was altered that day, and as I left for work every day after that, I would look to my left because out of the corner of my eye something was missing. There was a huge hole in the skyline.
That night I woke to a horrible, loud sound I jumped thinking we were being bombed, "it is just thunder" E said "go back to sleep".
Hard to do with bombers flying so low, right over our house.

I did lose a friend from high school that was in the buildings, high above where the plane crashed, leaving her no way out.

There was one good thing that happened that day. E & I realized that life was too short, and we decided to have a baby.
My beautiful, smart twins came out of that horrible day and the evil people felt for Americans.
They healed me and one day maybe they will heal the world.

Don't Vampires Have Access To Tanning Creams?

I have to know: who thinks this guy is hot?
Is it just me or does he look like a cross between Dylan McKay circa early 90210 years and siamese cat?
I got drawn into the Twilight hype via twitter and read all the books as fast as I could. Then I made E take me to see the movie and I was disappointed in how ugly I thought all the characters were. When the book describes in painstaking detail just how beautiful each character is and you cast ordinary pretty people who happen to be super-dee-douper pale, then I get disappointed.
Call me crazy.

Plus, is the skinny tie back? It shouldn't be.

Also, I was just thanking the sweet baby Jesus last week we are finally rid of Dannielynn pictures/"news" stories and the contact Larry Birkhead had with ET. Now they are back with new birthday photos.
I filed this under "who cares?".

No Dark Sarcasm In The Classroom

I have no idea why President Obama's speech to school children is causing such an uproar.

Do people think he is going to make communists of children through the television screen? Just what is President Obama going to speak about?
According to the U.S. Department of Education, the President will speak about "persisting and succeeding in school." The president will also "challenge students to work hard, set educational goals, and take responsibility for their learning." The Dept. of Education invites "students of all ages, teachers, and administrators" to watch the President's address and encourages "educators to help students get focused and inspired to begin the new academic year."

Wow, challenging kids to work hard and value the education they receive- how terrible, how non-age appropriate, how dare educators make a decision about people's children without their consent.
How ridiculous.

By pulling your kid from school or pressuring the school not to show it, you are teaching them- because your political party is not in power, you can disregard or show no respect for the President of this country.
Whether you voted for him or not, or believe in his views or not, you still need to have respect for him. I think the lack of respect for other people is one of the things that is wrong with this country today.
Could you imagine your parents not letting you hear President Reagan or President Bush's speeches to the children of this country?
It didn't happen.

In our school district the middle and high school students are watching live but you can pull your child from that classroom if you wanted to. The elementary school students will watch it tomorrow, they are taping it today to see the age-appropriateness, which I assume it is appropriate for all ages. It is not like the president is going to be dropping F-bombs, I am pretty sure it is rated G.

Instead of pulling your child from a lecture on education, how about using it as a platform to talk to your kids about the speech and what you agreed and disagreed with.
Now, wouldn't that be a novel idea?


I would love to know if you are letting your children hear Obama's speech today and why or why not.