27 Rules for being a Republican

• 1) Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are millionaire conservative radio jock, which makes it an "illness" and needs our prayers for your "recovery."
• 2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
• 3) You have to believe that the US should get out of the UN, and that our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.
• 4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives but it needs to punish anyone caught having private sex with the "wrong" gender.
• 5) You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit.
• 6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
• 7) "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
• 8) You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.
• 9) You have to believe that you love Jesus and Jesus loves you, and that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.
• 10) You hate the ALCU for representing convicted felons, but they owed it to the country to bail out Oliver North.
• 11) You have to believe that the best way to encourage military morale is to praise the troops overseas while cutting their VA benefits.
• 12) You believe that group sex and drug use are degenerate sins that can only be purged by running for governor of California as a Republican.
• 13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.
• 14) You have to believe that the best way to fight terrorism is to alienate our allies and then demand their cooperation and money.
• 15) You have to believe that government medicine is wrong and that HMOs and insurance companies only have your best interests at heart.
• 16) You have to believe that providing health care to all Iraqis is sound government policy but providing health care to all Americans is socialism personified.
• 17) You believe that tobacco's link to cancer and global warming are "junk science", but Creationism should be taught in schools.
• 18) You have to believe that waging war with no exit strategy was wrong in Vietnam but right in Iraq.
• 19) You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
• 20) You believe that government should restrict itself to just the powers named in the Constitution, which includes banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
• 21) You have to believe that the public has a right to know about the adulterous affairs of Democrats, while those of Republicans are a "private matter".
• 22) You have to believe that the public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades but that Bush was right to censor those 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because you just can't handle the truth.
• 23) You support state rights, which means Ashcroft telling states what locally passed voter initiatives he will allow them to have.
• 24) You have to believe that what Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest but what Bush did decades later is "stale news" and "irrelevant".
• 25) You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because it is communist, but trading with China and Vietnam is just dandy.
• 26) You believe that what’s good for you is good for the world (even if it’s not good for the world).
• 27) You believe that politics are about winning and losing, and not about serving The People.