Anger

I know I have anger issues. I try to control my anger or deny I have problems but lately because I have so much on my mind, I know I haven't been handeling it well at all.
I know I yell at my kids too much, I also know sometimes I expect too much from them. But sometimes the crying or yelling is just too much for me and I just want to run out of the door and never stop running. I always see the news stories of people shaking their babies, or hurting their kids, and I could see how you could go over the edge if you were not strong minded or if you had no support system or if you were just a crazy person.
Not that I would ever hurt my kids or condone it but I could see the line that makes some people cross it.

To judge people, other Moms more specifically, is something we all do, don't deny it. It is easier to say, I would never get my kids vaccinated/circumcised/put in daycare all day or go outside the house in dirty clothes. Then you have kids and you pick and choose your battles.

What you want to do and what you can do as a Mother are sometimes on opposite sides of the color spectrum. I am going to try to be a better Mother today, and then tomorrow a little better then that. I will try not to sweat the small stuff, one day at a time.
Today I will try to be green. Not too dark and not too light.
Just green.

R.I.P. Abu

Today my Mom called with bad news, our cat died. He was really my cat, I bought him for $40 adoption fee from a shelter. He was small, black and white with a freckle on one cheek.
I loved him, our dog loved him and so did the whole family. When I moved out I left him because our dog was old and loved him and the company during the day. So he became my Mom's cat.

He was petite, 6lbs, mute with bald heels. He loved to be carried on your shoulder, go for long drives in the car and drink out of the sink. Ironically he died fast because cancer was all over his tiny body, just like my Dad.
I will always remember how you drooled on me in the morning, my little friend.
Poor kitten, I will miss you much.

Sweet Dreams

I have had dreams about bloggers whose blogs I read. Drama Queen and Uneasy Rider were teh last two I have had. On Saturday night I added another to my list.
Will. Now I can't remember what I dreamed about but I do remember waking up happy and satisfied.

Welcome to the club my friend.

Finish This Sentence:

I wish I told you....................

Co-pays, Needles and Scales Oh My!

I feel like I have been living in doctors offices the past few weeks. Checkups, blood giving, 3 year pediatric checkups, paps, flu shots, all this and I have another doctor's appointment for myself today. Yippee!
Of course this is the year when I didn't use our Flex pay account and now I am out $100 in co-pays already this year. Not to mention my prescriptions cost me about $90 a month.
I am so glad I make the best fiscal decisions.

The babies were great for their checkup, the doctor checked them and they were cooperative and helpful. The doctor kit we got them came in handy since they knew exactly what to expect. They took their shots like champs and Baby B didn't even want a band aid. This was strange because she loves band aids at home.
Yes, we are into that phase.

So I am off to a new doctors visit, I just hope there are no needles this time.

Bugger King

How freaky are these commercials with the "king" from Burger King? I swear I am going to have nightmares about it.
So freaky.

If you like living on the edge, check this out.

Poop Update

Baby B finally pooped three days ago. I have never seen anyone with stronger bowel muscles then her. I cannot believe she held it in after all the prunes, prune juice, raisins, high fiber bread and popcorn I gave her.
Now that is talent! Perhaps I should enter her into some baby contest.

I think what finally did it was the mineral oil. What ever it was, it rocked.

Girls! They are so messed up poopy wise. Baby A & Baby B eat the same exact thing and have entirely different poops. Who know being a mother of twins could be so exciting!

Cold and Bleak

That describes the weather here today, cold and bleak. I don't mind the winter, and the cold but I would at least like to see the sun shine once in awhile.
Today we went to see another preschool, the one I had the most hope about, but I didn't like it. It was in a church, really a church basement. It was old and dark and dingy. I doubt the kids would be challenged in this school, but their social skills are what concern me most, I can teach them at home.
I have two other preschools to look at and then I am out of ideas.

In other news, I am loving my new sirius radio. I love, love, love it.
My Mom & sister are coming over on Saturday to help us celebrate the kids birthday ans they are beyond excited about that. Baby A wants a motorcycle cake and Baby B wants a princess cake and they both agree we will need party hats. Done, done and done. Three year olds are easy.
How good was Lost last night? Wow, it really keeps getting better and better. Kate is starting to piss me off a little too.

Still waiting to see when I can get the rest of the testing done I need. Hopefully it will be soon and everything will be alright.

Prayers, Please

I really can't go into it here just yet, because I think one of my family members reads this, but I could really use your prayers.
I had some tests done and I need some more and the outcome of these tests really need to be good. So if you would be kind enough to pray for me, I would really appreciate it.

I am waiting to hear today when these test will take place, but I know they will be as soon as possible.

Thanks guys!

Google This!

People search for some crazy shit on the internet. When they search for this crazy crap, they usually find me. I really don't know how, but I may as well answer their questions or problems if they are finding this little blog instead of porn or Webmd.
So, here we go:


1)"haw to fuck girl an ass"- Are you serious with this question? Perhaps you should worry about other things besides anal. Maybe you should focus on 8th grade grammar and spelling. I'm just saying.


2)what does it mean when a women invites you to her house for lunch- ummmmm, it means she would like to know if you want to eat lunch at her house? Was that too hard to come to that conclusion?


3)does Jennifer anniston speak to her mother- Who the fuck cares. Mind your business.

4)gynelogical exam old women- What do you want to know? It is gross and unpleasant for everyone involved. . As we know from my former post, some doctors don't even wash their hands afterwards.

5) jessica simpson vagina- Do you think you will see a picture of it on the internet? C'mon Joe Simpson would never allow that.

6)elizabeth hasselbeck, motherhood- Talk about annoying, she knows shit about motherhood and is currently up Bush's ass. Enough said.


7)addicted to chap stick- Now this I know about. Hi, I am Tuesday and I am addicted to chapstick. Right now I could use some smooth, balmy magic on my dry lips. Ahhh, it feel sooo good.
Excuse me, my chapstick and I need a moment alone.

8) squeezable- Many things come in squeezable containers, mayo, jelly, toothpaste, lotions and men's balls.

I hope this post was enjoyable and informative for all of you. I know it was for me.

The One With The All The Poop

Baby B is constipated. When she turned 12 months old, she just started having harder bowel movements, like balls. I thought it was because of the change to milk, but the doctors told me it couldn't be that. From then on she almost always has hard poops and will go almost every day.
Well, when she was sick she didn't go, but she wasn't eating & barely drinking anything at all, so that is fine. When she felt better she had two raging diarrhea poops, and all went back to normal in the poopy house we live in.

Until last week when, she hasn't pooped in 7 days. On Friday I started feeding her raisins, and prune juice, took away apple juice and bananas. On Saturday I put acedophilus in her prune juice. Saturday night she was up crying because her "hiney hurt", which is so sad. Sunday I purchased prune baby food, laxatives and suppositories (suppositorys?).
Fun!
The suppositories worked ok, she pooped a little after that, and then today I gave her more prune juice, laxatives and debated giving her some coffee. Hey, if she is at all related to her Father & her Grandfather, coffee should be an instant fix!
Maybe I could even give her a cigarette and some soda. I will show this girl how to poop, if it is the last thing I do!

Finally today when she cried and I cried and there was crying all over but no poop, I debated doing a Bobby Brown. I actually though about putting my finger up her bum and getting it the hell out of my poor daughters body.
But I couldn't do that. Let's face it nobody wants it to come to that.

Anyway, I would have to wait until E came home & let him do it. I can't have all the fun!

Disgusting

Today I went to my PCP for a physical and to check up somethings my OBGYN asked me to check up on. This is my second visit to this particular doctor, and she is nice and her staff is nice, but she is grossly overweight and her office could stand to be cleaned.
But that is not the worst of it.

She came in to exam me and started with my neck. I started to smell something, then it got stronger, then I got nauseas and realized what it was.
Her hands smelled like vagina.
That is right, vagina.
va. gin. a.

How fucking sick is that? I wanted to melt away right there, then I hold in my grin and laughter because I thought "How funny is this going to be when I tell E, that they doctor he sent me to has hands that smell like dirty underwear."

SO after my appointment, I called him & let him know and he starts laughing. "What is so funny, it is SO gross, not funny". He said"honey that is gross but you said it loud enough that my BRAND NEW manager just heard you."

Well, that is a hell of a way to break the ice.

Schools

Today we went to see another preschool in hopes of enrolling our kids in school starting next September, that will not cause us to mortgage our house to pay for it.
So far, that plan has failed. The cheapest school I have found so far, is a Christian preschool which will cost us $425 a month for the twins for three days a week, three hours each day.

The school was ok, it was clean and it had small classes. They taught about God along with regular preschool curriculum. The only thing that worries me, is it is part of the evangelical church here.
Don't get me wrong, I am a Christian, raised Episcopalian to be exact, but I am not a "church person". I do not go to church regularly but I plan on it once the kids are slightly older. I love God, but I also love him from my bed on Sunday morning. I do not believe that you must go to church every Sunday and maybe even during the week to be a "good" Christian.
The encounters I have had with born again Christians is that they want to recruit you and I am really hate having a conversation with someone who questions me repeatedly if I have "found Jesus" or "have you been saved".
It is just not me.

So as of right now, I will be looking into one other church preschool and the two Montessori school in my area.

Wish me luck, and the lord be with you.

More on Doctor Offices

Yesterday while I was suffering through the wait in doctor's office, I was looking around, people watching. It was a packed office and I noticed something strange.
When does a man have to start going with you to your doctors appointments?
I understand the man who is with his pregnant wife, hoping to see an ultrasound of the baby, but there were at least 5 old men in the waiting room waiting with their wives.
Strange?
Is it a social activity? Is there so many appointments that older people have they decide to do it together or else they would never see each other?
There they were all agitated looking carrying the standard paraphernalia, a book.

Don't get me wrong it was cute, but I had never noticed it before. A new trend.
I bet E can't wait for me to tell him how he will have to do to doctor offices with me when we are old. Only I will give him an extra treat, I will bring him with me into an exam room.

Well, I can't have all the fun!

OBGYthehellamIhere?

This morning I was in a rush, I had an appointment to visit a new nursery school for the kids. E & I got to the school just time time for our tour. We liked it, didn't love it but upon seeing the tuition ($800 a month for both of them, 3 hours a day 3 days a week) I really didn't love it.
That is highway robbery. For 8 grand a year my kid better have some sort of useful diploma when they graduate.

I came home, kids went into bed for "quiet time" and I sat down at my desk. I rifled through some papers trying to find the number of other pre-schools, more financially up my alley and I stubbled across a piece of paper with my doctors appointment on it. It was for today.
AND it was for my annual pap.
Great. I hadn't shaved my legs in awhile and I had other things to "clean up" if you know what I mean. I rushed to do it.
I debated bringing my kids to the appointment but decided on not scaring them for life just yet so E came home until I finished with my appointment.
I got to my new doctor's office and it was a full house, at least 7 women ahead of me.
I did the walk of shame to the scale and then slinked off into my room. In this office they didn't make you get naked, just clothes off from the waist down and unhook your bra.
It was just like high school sex all over again!

I took off my pants and then, as usual, hid my underwear under my jeans. I still have no idea why I do this.
Then in swooshed the doctor ready to feel me up. I was ready.
Then the dreaded pap, which when I get it done I always feel like I am going to pass gas, and then I am frozen with fear that if I move even an inch I will fart, right in her face.
I never have, but it is still a fear. I am *sure* this is what she fears also.

Then after wondering if we should get drinks later, after all that foreplay and stuff, she swooshes right out leaving me in an unhooked bra, a shirt, socks and feeling slightly used.

Hey, at least there was no gas.

Come Out, Come Out, Wherever you are

Today is De-lurking day here in blog land. So, tap dance your way into my heart and let me know you are lurking.

I love a nice lurker.

Thin is In

I HATE when magazines have articles about stars losing weight and they put a before & after of Jennifer Aniston. Wow look, before she was a hefty size 2, now she looks much better at a 0. Really the before & after pictures look no different and what did she lose 3 lbs?

No wonder so many people have eating problems.

2006. The Sequel

Since yesterday I had to cut my list short of things I will not tolerate in 2006 by crying babies, here is the rest of my list:

1. crying babies
2. Star Wars. Enough already. This needs to be dunzo. Dun-zo.
3. the word dunzo
4. my thighs
5. myspace pages
6. Paris Hilton
7. A new ipod debuting every 38 days
8. anyone I know dying
9. the Sopranos still not on tv
10. Jessica Simpson's new lips

2006

This is a list of things I was tolerant of in 2005 but will no longer be in 2006:

1. Mariah Carey
2. her breasts
3. TomKat
4. people who search for "vagina tricks" and find my little blog
5. my quest to own a monkey
6. people in my house that don't go to the bathroom in the potty but demand a changing when things go awry
7. gauchos
8. my laziness
9. not owning 1 pair of cool jeans
10. a messy mudroom
11. my lapse in renewing my New York magazine subscription. I miss my crossword puzzles
12. the Olsen twins
13. not having enough "good" blogs to read
14. eating too much pasta
15. cats who want to love on you while you are sleeping and make you think they are trying to suffocate you. I am on to him.

A Real Mom

Wow I am about to be a Mom of two three year olds. My babies are going to be three in about three weeks. I can barely believe that time has gone so fast. I feel like it was yesterday I felt them move inside of my body.
I was putting pictures in albums this weekend, trying to catch up to "real time" and I was looking at their baby pictures. The cutey outfits, the buntings, the rattles and swings. I feel melancholy when I see those picture, remembering how little and cute they were. I feel like even though I was so trying to be in the moment and archive little moments in my memory forever, knowing how precious they were, I lost some of them.
Like I don't remember deep enough.

Now they are grown people with attitudes, wants and opinions. They don't need to hold my hand anymore to gain balance, they don't need me to spoon them every bit of the day. They do their own thing, and I go along for the ride.
Yesterday when I came downstairs my daughter said "Hi Tuesday" instead of hi mommy. I wonder where she comes up with these things.
They are going to be three, officially toddlers. Wow.
They remembered that I told them when they are three they can go to school like their cousins.
My daughter said "Mommy, I go to school and you can come with me" I told her that I couldn't come with them, that they will have to go to school by themselves and I will be there when school is over. My son then said "we go to school and you stay here and cry because you miss us, ok mommy?".
Oh god, how would they know that is what I will be doing. But them I thought, how could they not know.
They know me as much as I know them, and that is all I can ask for at this moment.

Here's to Health in 2006

I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Years. I am finally feeling better, not 100% but better. Baby B seems to be much better, her day was spent ordering E and I around, fighting with her brother and just general crying. Baby A is now sick with a bad cough and low fevers. I think he is improving though, but his darn cough keeps him up all night, poor guy.Since we were all sick besides E, we sat at home for New Years Eve and did nothing, as usual. I actually have not left the house since last Thursday. I actually have no desire to leave, but I know I will be hitting the grocery store tomorrow at least.

The wake and funeral was fine, I was somewhat detached to my Grandmother by then, because she was sick for so long and also had alzheimers. It was strange though because my Mother and her family had a big fight about 9 years ago and they all stopped speaking to my Mom. Ironic really because they did need her to help with my grandmother when she got sick and then I guess it was ok to speak to her. My cousins and I were VERY close and when this all happened they didn't let us see our cousins. So it has been about 9 years since seeing them last and they were all grown up and looked like adults instead of the little kids that they were last I saw them.Strange. My Aunts and Uncles acted like nothing was out of the ordinary and like we were all the perfect little family of yesteryear. Which was fine by me because I didn't want confrontation and the kids, meaning us, should havenever been dragged into it in the first place.
God, grown ups are so clueless sometimes.

Wakes are strange, the whole ritual thing. The flowers and saying goodbye and having the casket open. I felt removed and that was sad for me, but no matter how hard I tried I just wasn't sad. I will miss my Grandmother but she hadn't been "my Grandmother" in years. I felt sad for my Mother because now she has no parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles living. That must be weird, even her ex-husband is dead.

Getting old just sucks.
Good thing I haven't aged a bit in 10 years!