Sex and Smelly Pits

You know what the best part of being pregnant is?
Not having your period.
I have not had my period in 12 months now, and for that I am oh so grateful. Not grateful enough to go messing around with that seasonale because having your period just four times a year is just not right, but grateful. BUT! When you are nursing and have no period it could be because of two reasons: you are nursing or pregnant. How would you ever know which because, again, not looking for the period to come calling anytime soon.

So now as I sit here wondering why I am so tired (uuumm, because you have 3 kids) my mind wanders to the feeble sex life* I have had since I had baby K, otherwise known as "Sweet Thighs". Could I be pregnant? Nah. Pregnancy would be BAD. But. Maybe I should get a dollar tree test juuuust to make sure.
BTW, praying not to be pregnant and wondering how the condom could have failed me brings me back to my 20s.
You know, the good 'ole days.
Fun times.


Also? Why do my armpits seem to smell more since I have had Sweet Thighs?
Is my trusted Secret deodorant failing me? Is this something that is common after a pregnancy but I failed to read about in pregnancy books?
No? Okay then carry on.


* can you believe we still do it? We are broke, what else are we going to do for fun?
Go enter my contest, fools.

Vlog Me

I am intrigued by the vlog*. I *may* be talked into doing a vlog, but I have reservations.

Would I have to actually have to do my hair and put on makeup?
Would my voice sound as annoying as I think it does on answering machines?
What the hell would I talk about?
Would you want to hear a funny story about my kids or do you want a nice rant? Should E make an appearance?

So, tell me dear, sweet readers would you like me to do a vlog and what the hell should I vlog about?


* doesn't the word "vlog" sound dirty? I think I need a shower.



Check out my latest giveaway here and you could win a adorable organic tote!

A Mama Cub

When anyone hears a news story about something horrific happening to a child, they react the same way, they would clench up, turn off the TV and try to shake the images out of their head. I hated watching shows or movies that had bad things happening to kids or animals. Why give a sick person any ideas?



When you become a mother though, the stories just seem so much worse. They become real. "How can anyone do that to a innocent child" becomes "how can I protect my child from these animals".

My fears seemed to intensify now that I have just had a new baby. When I see or hear terrible things, I crawl into bed with my children holding on to them as if I am trying to put them back inside of me, where they were safe. Keeping my children out of harms way is my job I tell myself, it is normal. Fear is good, it will keep you on your toes, my head tells me.

What if I have a bad day? What if the worst can and does happen? What if I fail my own babies?



These questions can't be answered. They cannot even linger too long, for fear of losing my sanity. I have to push them back into the darkness.

Instead I will still turn off the television when I hear about children being victimized, I will pray for them in the darkness as I crawl into bed with my children and lay with them.

"I will protect you" I whisper to them. I say it as I hope that no truer words have ever been spoken.

I say it because I have to.

The World is Filled With Stupid People

Maybe it is just me or maybe it is my beloved home state, but I have run into a ton of asshats lately. Could I just be testy and everything is getting to me? Sure. I have a ton of anxiety right now and even if I could afford a nice soothing massage to relieve some of my tension, I am afraid I am wound so tight I would break in half if someone touched me. (Isn't my husband lucky?)

The asshats I have encountered make me want to kick someone in the vagina including but not limited to:

People who make a left turn but immediately have to get into the right lane so they just stop in the middle of both lanes and debate what to do in their head.

The moms who just leave their garbage on the table at chick fil a, because why would she possibly put her garbage in the garbage can that is 3 feet from her?

The man who just stood there as I struggled to get past his daughter without hitting her in the head with the baby in his car seat (I forgot how heavy car seat + babies are. I might as well carry a full grown man in one arm!) and knocked over a chair at his table. He watched as I struggled to pick up the chair without dumping my baby out of the seat. A 8 year old boy helped me while he still did nothing.
Thanks, d*ck.

Is there anyone you want to rant about today?

Back

Hey there. I have had a bit of a blogging break and I am back as good as new. Well, maybe not as good as new, but I am back. I have enjoyed reading how many of you moms (and dads) related to my last post on being In and the Mom version of "In".

Our holiday weekend was peppered with family BBQs, firework celebrations and fun. Now it is back to reality. My reality is that E wants to move to his home state of NH for work. Work is good yes, any work is good at this point in our lives, but NH? I am more of a "suburbs of a big city girl". I have lived outside of NY my whole life. I am a not a "winter for 10 months, drive a long distance to get to civilization type of girl. I have a love/hate thing with NJ but it is my home state. This is where my family is, my friends, my millions of malls and stores right here, my Whole Foods, my beach/mountains/close to major cities are, my tons of things for the kids to do state". I realize NH may have some of those things, but it doesn't have all of them.
That I know.
I will have to write more about it as E and I can make a decision on what to do.

In other news, would you hate me if I told you my baby sleeps through the night? He has been sleeping through the night, at least 8 hours, for weeks now. It is heaven!
Just one more reason to love the chubby little fellow.

The Mom Version of In

Since I have become a mom I have had to leave fashion behind. I try to keep up with some trends but it is hard when you no longer have a disposable income or disposable time. I don't have the time to shower let alone dry and iron my hair (which takes at least 45 minutes btw). There are so many "in" things that I would like to have or try but instead I have the mom version of "in".

In:
Posh Spice angled hair cut
Mom Version:
ponytail

In:
Louis Vuitton Monogram Vernis Roxbury Drive purse
Mom Version:
Waterproof diaper bag

In:
Prius
Mom Version:
Generic minivan with french fries ground into carpet

In:
La Perla
Mom Version:
Any bra that can list your boobs back to where they should be

In:
smudged eyeliner
Mom version:
under eye circles

In:
Big designer sunglasses
Mom Version:
Anything that covers up the fact you just left the house with no makeup

In:
Staying up all night partying
Mom Version:
Staying up all night with a sick baby

In:
A size smaller than what you already are
Mom Version:
Anything less than what you weighed when you were pregnant, is a small victory!

Sick

I want to thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and keeping us in your prayers.
I do realize that we are all healthy and relatively happy and material things are not the same as that peace. I want to believe things are just things and we don't need them. But....we do.
My children do need a place to live. We need food. We need to work and live and pay bills and breathe. All things that have not been easy these days.

I am sick of thinking "well, that job must not have been meant to be" and "something better will come, it has to" for months now. I am sick of waking up with swollen eyes from crying all night. I am sick of the headaches I get from not eating or drinking enough but I can't take anything stronger then a tylenol because I am nursing. I am sick thinking about how I am going to have to ask a relative for money. I am sick thinking about how maybe I won't get it.
I am sick thinking about how another company called E today to cancel his interview because they "just hired someone else". I am sick about how this has made my husband a different person, a broken person.
I am sick thinking about how we are failing our children. I am sick of pleading with god.

I am sick of being sick.

When is it my turn for my luck to change?

Everything To Lose

Oh my god what am I going to do? Here it is six month after E was fired by that bitch of a boss and he still has not received one job offer. Hundreds of resumes sent, dozens of interviews and phone interviews. Despite all of his experience, nothing.
All of a sudden unemployment was cut off because they "do not have enough funds to extend it". Now we are going to lose everything.

We will lose our house, our cars and everything. It is only a matter of time.
I can't do into any more detail, but I am scared. Six months ago we were living the American life, 2.5 kids a modest home and cars. Now we don't know where the money will come from to pay our bills..... to eat.
It can happen to anyone.

I am not sure how often I will be up to blogging in the near future. I won't be any fun anyway.
I am just so scared.

More Than It Hurts You

Darin Strauss has a new book out "More than it Hurts You". In this book Josh and Dori Goldin face a parents worst nightmare, the mysterious illness of their 8 month old son. The novel centers around a allegations of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy by the Goldin's black female doctor. Set in Long Island New York, the book is about class, reverse racism and a man who wants to believe that his wife would never harm her own child.

Josh finds the details of what the doctors did when his son first came into the hospital fuzzy at best, but his wife remains calm. She is a phlebotomist, and "Dori spoke fluent hospital." She challenges the doctors' treatment of her son and it finally comes to a head when she confronts the staff and the police have to intervene.

When CPS takes the baby, the media gets involved, accusations are thrown around regarding the black doctor and the Jewish family. It is then that the characters realize that their lives have been changed forever.

More Than it Hurts You is a gripping novel that I could not put down. It has me thinking about how I portray myself to the world and how I perceive people. It was very well written and would make a great book club pick (Do you hear me Oprah?).

You can find out more about Darin Strauss' book tour here and check out what other reviewers have to say about this great book at MotherTalk.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

I spent this weekend doing what every wife does: appeasing my husband.
E has it in his head that he invented this a very long time ago and has spent days complaining how rich he would be if only he had patented this technological gem years earlier.
Now to be fair, E isn't full of back hair. He has a little bit of hair that he likes removed and who can blame him? Not me. He is just so angry that his great idea what "stolen" he is still beside himself.

This weekend he decided to design his own mangroomer, which I dubbed the "manscaper". I found him rummaging around the house for tools and equipment. Next I saw him scurry upstairs with my duster handle.
Then I heard him trying to use it in his bathroom.

He came down stairs a few minutes later, telling me that his mock up failed but! He had a better idea!
I could hardly contain my excitement.

If only he would use his powers for my great inventions instead of something that already exists.
If only he would just get his back waxed.

Parenting

Lately my daughter has been mean to her twin brother. When I say lately I really mean the last 3 years.
She will tell him he cannot have a birthday cake, throw a toy of his or call him a baby. Why she does this to him, the one person that loves her as much if not more then E and I, we don't have a clue. She is hot and cold.
If you ask her why she is mean to him she will now answer "I don't know".

How do you parent against that? Yelling "Then get into your room and don't come out until you DO know!" seems too...well, like something my parents would say. You know how us parents don't like to do anything our parents did.

I vow to never lick my finger and clean my kid's faces, to take the door of the hinges because I caught my daughter reading instead of cleaning her room (wtf? Why did my parents punish me for reading? Did they have something against education?) or wag my finger at my kids.


I was talking in a angered tone to one of my employees years ago and I stopped and looked down at my hand, pointed finger and rigid wrist going up and down.
"oh, no!" I said.
"what's wrong" my employee asked
"this, this is my mom's finger!"

I vowed to never do it again.
I won't, but if my daughter does not have reasons for being mean to her brother, well then, the finger might just be making another debut.

And it won't be my pointer finger.

Delivering Love

I was listening to a radio show this morning and a UPS driver called in. The host asked him if women really hit on him when he makes deliveries. He told them women hit on him all day long.
Really?

I know our UPS man very well because my husband would get deliveries for work at least once a week and I have offered the man a drink but hitting on him? Maybe I just don't have a hot enough UPS driver.
Maybe UPS men are better lovers and I am not aware of this suburban knowledge.
Maybe I am not bored enough or maybe I have to wait for Fed Ex to make a delivery.

What about you? Do you have hot delivery men or women?


Want to find out if you have a hottie UPS driver? Go order this amazing stroller. Seriously the best stroller I have ever used.

Storing Memories

We are trying to clean out our house and get rid of the junk that has seemed to multiply and now pours out of everywhere. We have SO many baby items especially because we had twins. Two of everything, one in pink and one in blue. Now that K is here and he is our last baby I am trying to donate or sell some of our surplus.

As I go through the things we can't use anymore, like my daughter's crib bedding, her tiny dresses and baby clothing and as I think about getting rid of her crib or K's bassinet when he grows too big for it (a couple of weeks, I am sure), I get sad. My sorrow surprises me, after all they are just "things". I have pictures and my memory to get me through my years. Would holding on to my daughter's baby clothing or blankets change that? Can it take me back to the smell of my babies, the way their skin was so soft it felt like you were not touching anything at all? Would they make the memories more clear in my mind?

Getting these things out of my home and into the homes of needy people or people that could use them and want them would be best, but I can't help but feeling like I am selling my past. A part of me and my kids.
I have always had a unusual attachment to my "things" like my old stuffed animals or my favorite books. I hate to throw my things away, although I have gotten better over the past few years.
Still, I am sad. I have to get rid of things little by little so I don't overload my system.
I have decided to keep some of my favorite items for my kids. They can pass it on or use it for their children. Maybe even they will keep it stored safely away and only and take it out when they need their memories to be just a little more vivid.

Father's Day

I would sell my soul to the devil for just one more day with my Dad.
Instead, today I will try and celebrate my husband, the other great dad in my life.

Hug your Dad extra tight today............. for me.

Neon Love

Remember banana clips? Sadly one of my mother's coworkers still wears one of these. I remember a lot of bad clothing, hair and makeup trends (blue eyeliner anyone?) of the 80s and 90s but one trend I still have a spot in my heart for.
Florescent colors.

You remember the graffiti clothing and the big lace neon hair bows. Neon was perfect for anything, rubber bracelets, converse sneakers, gloves and so on but my favorite was neon colored nail polish. Now it is back and Essie ( my favorite nail polish) has a limited edition neon color set.
I am thinking I need this.

Don't worry I will only go as far as the nail polish, I will never return to neon underwear. Well, only if my husband asks nicely.

Now tell me, what do you wish would come back into style?

Bad Breakup

PSE&G just rang our bell to tell us they will be shutting off the electricity on us for a half hour or so to fix some lines. We also had an outage yesterday for a couple of hours and since today it is only 91 degrees out, I am okay with that. Like I have a choice!

Just when you thought I was a mommyblogger, I start blogging about the weather! With all of this weather talk, I think I may be turning into my mom!

Wanna hear about my latest breakup? Go read about it here. I want to hear what you think.

Melting

How cute am I?

My god, I am melting in this heat. My car said it was 103 degrees today and my car never lies to me. I must get myself some ice cream to manage.

**********

My daughter came into my room today and said "Mommy, it is time to face the truth" I asked her what that was and she replied "I have a slurpee stain on my dress"

I must admit that is hard to face.

I see she is beating the heat with frosty, sugary drinks from 7-11.

Good for her.

I Am Choosing to Believe This is Not Hades

Ahh, June in New Jersey. Usually a nice month, it has spring still left in it and usually gives us a couple of hot days to show us what summer is all about. This June however, we have already had two days where the heat index has been over 100 degrees. This intense heat will not stop until Wednesday when the high will only be 90 degrees.
Ha! 90! I can do that in a woolen ski cap!

It is not even summer yet and my air conditioner is running overtime and keeping me in trapped in the house with three kids under the age of five and humidity hair that looks like a straw sombrero.
So. Much. Fun.

Our snow accumulation this year was a total of maybe 3 inches, down from a crazy 5 inches last year. Couple that with this crazy heat wave (hey spring where the hell did you go?) so early in the year makes me want to strangle my in-laws with my unused snow boot laces whenever they tell me they don't believe in global warming.
Hmm. I didn't know we had a choice in believing in it. It is not like believing in the tooth fairy or whether you will get gas for under $4.00 a gallon, I think it is a fact.
If we are choosing not to believe facts, well then that is a different story.
I choose to believe I have lost all of my baby weight.
I choose to believe ice cream is not only healthy, but imperative to losing my baby fat.
I choose to believe that I never found a blond pubic hair and that I am not sweating to death at this minute.

There. All better.

Take Your Pee Inside

We bought our kids a little pool for the backyard. It is bigger then a baby pool but small enough that I can stand looking at it all summer. Yesterday the twins went into it for the first time. As soon as my daughter gets in and soaks her entire body and hair she decides she has to go to the bathroom.
She pulls down her suit and just pees right next to the pool.
My husband told her that people do not pee outside*, just animals and she can use the bathroom inside next time she had to go.
She told him "Ooohh, I didn't know! I don't know about life yet!"

Although she knows better then to go to the bathroom outside, she has a point there.



* This from the man who loves to pee outside I caught him peeing outside next to our pool in our old house no less then 25 times. I won't even tell you about how I found him peeing outside when he was grilling. Not while he was grilling but next to it.
Not right next to it.
Never mind, it is bad enough.

SATC

I loved the series "Sex and the City". I have watched it since the first season debuted and have watched religiously ever since. I remember how happy I was to watch it every week after my father died. It got me out of my head for 30 minutes a week.
I wanted to see the new Sex and the City movie and my mom was coming for the weekend so what better time to go? I decided to go on Friday night and have E take me. He was less than thrilled, but we go to the movies twice a year so he can suck it up.

I had no idea what I was about to experience. There were a TON of people for the two 7:45pm shows. Turns out they were both sold out as were the 8:15 minutes. I even heard the woman behind me tell someone she bought her tickets 2 days earlier online.
It seemed like 99% of the people in the theater were women. Some were dressed up to the nines, some were wearing Sex and The City shirts, and many came in a gaggle. I have never been in a room with so much estrogen in my life.
Poor E. He was out of his element.
Ladies, why are you getting dressed up in a fancy dress for the movie theater?
Maybe you thought you were going to be in the movie not go see the movie.

I am glad I went though because it was a great movie, scary SATC wannabes aside.