Bye Bye Worst Year Of My Life

What I Have Been Up To

Things I did do this past week:
-Christmas-ed it up with family
-had my hair cut shorter than it is has been since I was maybe 3 years old (pics to come soon -eeek)
-also had to dye my hair darker for the time being until the damage I did with the stupid "semi" permanent, natural hair dye comes out. I keep not recognizing myself in the mirror, it is weird.
-looked at places to live in NJ which was so depressing I cannot tell you. Trying to find a OKAY place to live with 3 bedrooms under $1800 a month? Impossible.
-cried because we are going to have to live in a crappy old place
-yelled at E when the baby fell down a flight of stairs on Christmas Eve when E was supposed to be watching him
-made homemade cinnamon rolls and peanut butter cups

Things I did not do this past week:-eat too much
-drink too much (I should have-hindsight)
-yell too much (except for the baby down the stairs incident, an image I will never forget)
-sleep enough
-laundry and now I am paying for it
-used twitter
-internet usage as a whole was way down which is liberating in a way and made me miss it in another way
-drink enough coffee

I can't wait for 2009 to be over and I will have a vlog about this craptastic year and what I hope 2010 brings, tomorrow!

Christmas

we had a hideous trip to NJ yesterday abut we made it. My mother took my daughter and I to the salon for a gift and i got my hair color fixed and then cut it all off. R got a well needed trim as well.
We are staying at my sister's house and although it is a small house it is filled with love and joy. While we are here we will look for places to live, visit my family and prepare to come back for good next month.

I truly wish each an every one of you a Merry Christmas and a Merry everything. I wish you peace and love. I wish you joy and health. I wish you everything my family and I have.
I wish some magic in your life this day and always.

2010

So. Here we are.
Employed. Happy, excited and so grateful for the best Christmas gift ever.

So, why am I plagued by all the awful thoughts in my head?
The ones that tell me how hard it is going to be and how much work has to come in the next few weeks. The ones that tell me that despite the fact my kids will be so happy to be with their family again, switching them to another new school is going to hurt them.
The same voices who tell me that E's job is for a lot less money and we will moving back to a VERY expensive state and I have to find a job to make up the difference and nobody will even look at my resume since I have been a SAHM for 7 years.

I won't let those voices be heard, I will keep them under all the positive thoughts of all the good things to come.
I will fight my demons with all that I have.

We are excited for this new day with new chances. We will make good on all the promises we made to each other over the past two years.
We will give back to people just like our friends and family did for us when we needed it.
We will not forget all the people who helped us financially, emotionally and spiritually. We can never truly repay them, but we can try.

2010 is going to be a great year. It is going to be hard but great.
I can just feel it.

Exhale

E got the job.

Let me repeat that so as it just may sink into my brain: E GOT THE JOB!

Huge exhale.

It is a job in a totally different industry- no more big pharma.
It is in New Jersey.
It has full benefits. The pay is just okay it is a lot less than he was making, but we will make do.

We have a job.

E will rock this job, I know he can and he will. I am his biggest supporter and I have been behind him 1000% all these years- especially the last two.
I know this doesn't end all of our troubles, it comes with a smaller, new set of things to work out but if we can handle what the universe has thrown our way then we can handle anything.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your comments, emails, prayers, positive thoughts and love for me and my family.
E and I appreciate them all and they have meant a lot to me personally.

DUDES! We have a job!

Hang on because I am not going anywhere and it looks like 2010 is going to be a whole other adventure.

Are you ready?

Yeah. So am I.

Holding Our Breath

EDIT AGAIN:
Here is is Monday at 3:30 adn STILL NO CALL! E had enough and just called the lady he interviewed with. The otehr lady was out, they have had meetings all day excuses excuses they will call him today or tomorrow.
I mean REALLY, how much more stress can we take?!
::::Good package vibes for us:::::::


Today we are waiting on big news. We are 75% sure E will get a job offer today. We just hope after all of this time, the moving and changing our kid's schools, the sacrifices, the doubt, the hope, the loss of faith, the stress, the exhaustion, the facing the unknown day after day, that the offer is solid.

All we need is a good, solid offer and we can start all over again.

EDIT TO ADD: It is 8am Friday morning and still nothing as of yet.
until Monday
EDIT TO ADD AGAIN: Really, you people are going to make us wait until Monday ?? The universe is really having its way with us and just kicking us repeatedly in the balls when we are down. The only thing that is making us NOT pull out all of our hair is the fact that they called last Saturday morning.
Torture!

How Lame Can I Be?

There must be something in the air today. I woke up in a great mood, crashed into a terrible mood in 3 seconds and now I am stable, but still a little crazy.
So crazy in fact that I am here to tell you some embarrassing, never before revealed fact about me.

Fact #1 I was SO very lame today that I blanked out on just how to load the thread onto my sewing machine. I had to take out the book and then watch the DVD. I will repeat that as to get the full amount of lame-ness: I had to watch a sewing DVD.
Haven't they made sewing machines yet that you can just throw the thread into it and go? I am doing the same thing I did 20 years ago in sewing class. L A M E.

Fact #2 Sometimes when I am bored I watch the videos on here. I find it gross AND fascinating all at once.

Fact #3 This website cracks me up, I just love it.

Fact #4 I hate taking showers. Don't worry I still take them, but I hate it. I feel so good afterwards, but it is the whole process of shaving everything, washing my hair and conditioning. It takes forever. Not to mention my hair is so thick it takes about 30 minutes to dry completely, much longer if I want it to look like anything but a straw sombrero.

Fact #5 I keep my house so cold that I am freezing with damp hair for hours after my shower. New England + oil heat + poverty does not make a warm happy Tuesday Girl.

Fact #6 Me likes cold spaghetti for brunch.

Fact #7 I feel so satisfied when I clean my kid's ears and I get a dirty Q-tip. I even clean my nephews ears if I think they are dirty.
It is a small but worthwhile victory.

Fact #8 I am practically hairless. After waxing my legs for a year, the hair growth almost completely stopped. Hair only grows below my knee and only in one batch of leg. Strange but a pleasant surprise. Anything to get me out of the shower faster.

Fact #9 E and I both like to vacuum. We fight over who gets to do a particular dirty spot sometimes.

Grinch

The holidays were so much easier before we had kids. If I didn't want to put up a tree, I didn't put up a tree. If I didn't want to decorate or bake cookies, I didn't. Not that this situation ever happened, I love Christmas, I love the baking, the smells, the parties, I love it all.

Until this year.
I don't want to decorate this house we are being forced from. Last year I wondered where we would put the tree in this house and how great it would be to decorate every room in this big, lovely home.
This year I don't want to do anything.

The kids have been asking when we will decorate, when we will get a tree, when, when when? E and I will force ourselves to decorate (but I will cut waaay back) and the kids and E will cut down a tree in the yard today.
I don't have the money to do the elaborate baking I would usually do, so that will have to be scaled back also.
It makes me not want to do it at all.

I know this season is about making memories and being with our family, and what is really important. I know.
I know it is my kids who will kick start my heart. I know it is for them, E and I will rally and get the spirit flowing. The deserve nothing less and they will get everything we can give them.

I just hope I can get the spirit going soon though, because I feel like a Grinch. And I would hate to have a heart two sizes too small.
That would be just more than I could take.

I Can See Again

I have had glasses since I was in the third grade and could no longer see the chalkboard. I still use my glasses for driving and to watch television. When it comes to picking out new glasses, they have to be good quality and a great price. I would never think of buying my eyeglasses online, but GlassesUSA gave me the chance to try them out and see just what buying glasses online was all about.


GlassesUSA.com offers a great solution for buying glasses. They have a wide variety of eyeglass frames starting from just $18!
All of their lenses not only exceed FDA requirements but they pass their “5-stripe” process prior to shipment. If they do not meet these standards – they are not shipped.

I have to admit, I was nervous getting glasses online, after all isn't that something you need to see in person and on yourself to buy?
I was encouraged by their 30-day return policy, if you are unsatisfied with your glasses, they will be happy to exchange your frames with another pair of equal value or refund your order. Whew.
It is easy to sort through the eyeglass frames, you can shop by price, category, material, lens type or gender. GlassesUSA also has a Vision Guide on their website that helps you make your choice. They have an article on how to choose frames to flatter your style and how to choose prescription eyeglasses that fit your facial shape.
I had heavy, think frames before so i wanted a change. I went with the Vegas glasses for that Sarah Palin look. It took a couple of weeks for my glasses to arrive, but when they did I wasn't disappointed.
They fit my face, the complimented my face shape and were very nice. It took awhile to get used to the rimless, light glasses but after a few days I was good.

All in all it was a good experience, I think the only downside to buying glasses online is the wait time to get them, but if you are looking for a second set, or a new pair and you don't need to rush, buying online is right for you.
I have suggested this site to my mother who is always buying a pair of glasses or sunglasses for herself and I would recommend them to you too!

Which Do you Prefer, Grey Or Black?

I have needed to touch up my highlights for months now. The greys have taken over my head and I have kept putting it off because a trip to the salon is not something I could spend money on.
I am obsessed with these grey hairs and pluck them out every chance I get and it drives E crazy, but do you want a 30 something year old wife with grey hair dude? I didn't think so.
The other day a PR rep sent me a email about a natural hair coloring kit that you do it at home, and would I like to review this for my site?

Thank you Ma'am, I would!

I had put off using this product because we were going home to NJ for Thanksgiving and my mom offered to treat me and my daughter to a salon visit to do a touch up on my hair & have my old hairdresser tell me exactly how to apply color at home.

Well, at the last minute we couldn't afford to make the trip to NJ so I was out of luck on the hair color front.

So, this weekend I took out my box of hair color and taught E the finer points of hair coloring as seen by my hairdresser. I read the instructions three times, then once more out loud to E.
You see where this is going, right?

Terrible.

The ends of my hair are black. BLACK.
The roots and top of my hair is slightly colored but guess what is not colored? Not even a little bit?
The grey hairs.
They are laughing and pointing and getting a kick out of this while I curse them.

Now I have two toned hair WITH greys mixed in!
I am soo hot! I swear, it is the newest look it is called the frazzled house woman.
Haven't you seen it on Lindsay Lohan?

I thought this natural hair color with its plant based coloring crap would work, after all I went to a "green" salon in NJ and came out with awesome plant based highlights every 3-4 months! It was a messy, terrible experience and it makes me hate being poor* even more.

Now please excuse me while I attempt to wash this black out of my hair again, for the 23 time.
Did I mention the bottom portion of my hair is black?



* Positive thoughts everyone, E is on a call back of a job interview again today in NJ. Please send your prayers, good vibes, energy or luck on to our family?

Thankful

I am thankful for: 6 little feet running around my house, for peonies, for juicy turkey and hearty wines. For little arms that wrap around my neck and squeeze, for clean clothes, for my Grandmother and Mom. For blue skies and the smell of rain, for lemons and warm slippers, the joy of the little things for kids. For my baby calling "mama" all day, for E and his strength and love. For my sisters and brother, for the sleep that comes after a long day at the beach, for the silence when it snows, for miracles and hope. For the baby with blueberry eyes and curls that won't stop and his brother and sister with the eyes the color of spruce trees.
For new crayons, friends that care, for lotion that smells of coconut and baby blankets that smell of my angels.
For you who comes here to read this.
Most of all for my health and the health of my family. Without that, nothing else matters.

The One With The Video

Untitled from Tuesday Girl on Vimeo.

Teenage TV

I was noticing the other day that I have turned into a teenager. No it wasn't because I was sexting or stealing prescription painkillers (why? do you have some?), it is my TV watching.
Apparently instead of my taste in television maturing, it is regressing. Why do I say that? Here is my list of favs right now:

90210- Bev Hills and I go back. WAAYY back. So far back I remember when the "teenage" cast only had small receding hairlines and Brenda had thick bangs to cover her even-more-thick eyebrows and crooked eyes.
I still love this show. I am sad to admit it though.

Vampire Diaries- New show this year and I am in looove. Although I read the twilight books, I am not a vampire storyline fan, but I gave this a whirl and I love it.

True Life Docs- I love these documentaries on MTV. It is pretty much the only thing MTV is good for these days. I had breast implants, I am embarrassed by my parents, I have a secret life online- whatever it is bring it and I will watch.

Speaking of MTV, did you see the new show they are premiering later this month? Jersey Shore? Oh, sweet lord it is getting harder and harder to defend NJ against these revolting docu-dramas that take place in NJ. Yes NJ has Guidos but the population has plummeted since the mid 90s. I swear.

Where do they find these people?
And yes, I will be watching.
I think my only redeeming TV watching quality is that I stopped watching soap operas 13 years ago.

Enter To Win Some Great Gifts!

E is in NJ for a job interview today.
We are not getting our hopes up but will continue to pray for some good luck.

I wanted to share with you some great gift ideas I have over at my other site. I would give or want to receive all of them this year.
I am also giving some great things away like a designer diaper bag, Hoover Stick Vac, $75 worth of custom favors and a 1 year subscription to a menu planning service that rocks.
I also have more coming up (including pearls!) and one for you crazy readers.
Enter for yourself or to save some money on gifts!

I Go To Sleep

When my father died suddenly 5 years ago I suffered a great deal of insomnia. I could fall asleep easily, it was the staying asleep that was the problem. Every night I would wake at 3:30 and I would be awake until 6am- that was my witching hour and I would fall asleep easily and heavily at that time.
My homeopath told me years later that the time I woke meant something, but I never asked what. I guess I didn't want to know the answer.

When I would wake I would usually turn on the TV and lower the volume so I wouldn't wake E. Most of the time he would wake, roll over and go back to sleep.
Sometimes though, we would just sit in bed and talk. We would talk about the things we forgotten to tell the other about our day, the little things. Most times we will rehash what cute/smart/funny things one or all of our kids did that day and we would give thanks for those kids.
Sometimes it was easier to talk about things, in the darkness when you don't have to see the other's face. The discussion would flow and out hands would find each others and we would know that no matter what we were in it together.

These days I find myself back into my old sleep patterns. I wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep.
I know why.
Doesn't make it any easier on my mind or body. Over the counter sleep pills don't work anymore after years of using them and then the big boy prescription sleep pills.

I am so grateful to have a husband who will talk with me in the night, in the stillness of the dawn. He comforts me, drives away my demons even for a short while and lets me fall back asleep in the safety of his arms.

Very Popular With the First Grade Set

Most popular holiday for kids? Must be Fedrrins Day because I found this on my dresser this morning:

My Week By Numbers

Number of days I have been sick: 3

Number of resumes I sent out this month so far: 25

Number of calls if inquiry on said resume: 1

Number of interviews I have had for a job which would require me to answer calls for a funeral home in the middle of the night and train in an actual funeral home & watch in-calls, funerals and embalming: 1

Number of days I will have this never ending cough: 343985

Number of days I forgot was early dismissal for school and thank god I didn't leave the house when the bus pulled up 2 hours early: 1

Number of bagels consumed when my mom and sister visited this weekend: 2.5

Number of times I have threatened to throw away all leftover Halloween candy in this house since Halloween: 15

Number of times the baby has thrown food directly at my head today alone: 4

Number of times baby has done something so cute that I forgive the food throwing: 74384

Number of time I will use this bit for blog fodder until it gets old: you tell me.

Thank You Frailty, Thank You Consequence,Thank You Thank You Silence

I really do have to tell you how much I love you guys. To take the time out of your day to read my sill little space on the Internet, it means a lot to me. I feel like you guys have given me so much more than I have given you over the past year.

There are days I just want to quit this blog because I feel like all I am doing is whining about my life. There are days when I can make a lighthearted post or rally enough to make fun of my situation or my encounters with people who have never heard of a stromboli and need a 5000 word description of it from the waitress.
Most of the time I just want to get the words in my head out, clear myself of the toxins, it was very cathartic but now it just gets me more upset.

I was literally moved to tears to see people voting for me to get that job, sending out tweets for votes, sending me emails of suggestions and comfort. I cry every time I get a comment on here telling me to stay strong, that my family will weather this storm, that brighter days will come- that they will have to.
To know that virtual strangers are sending positive thoughts and prayers is overwhelming to me and my husband.

In my last post I wrote that I started this blog to feel connected to other new moms, to record my life in a time where life was very hectic to this new mom of twins in a new town.
I am not the best writer, this blog doesn't have the most traffic of them all, it is just my little space to figure things out, note the stuff I want to always remember and hopefully one day soon look back and think how far we have come.
I decided to keep writing here and record whatever I want, whenever I want and not feel like I have to write, but write when I need to.
I thank you for reminding me of that.

The Value Of Me

I blast the blinking cursor of doom.
These days I am just not sure what to write about. Like most bloggers, I started this blog to connect to other people in my new position of a new mom and found myself in this great untainted territory.
My words meant something to me and that was all that mattered.
Now, well, I am not so sure. When I write about my current situation, I get myself more worked up, I get very emotional and I am not sure it is cathartic or torment.

I want to write about silly, non-meaningful things but sometimes I just don't have the heart to do so. It has my mind and heart wondering if my words mean anything anymore. This agony of the past 2 years of losing everything except my family has taken its toll.
The pain and unrelenting bad luck can be seen on my face, on my husband's face on our marriage, on our lives. I can't believe we have ended up here with no idea what to do next.
No idea where to go, when we will land jobs, where my kids will go to school or how to pay our bills.
Writing about our lack of, well, everything, has not been helpful to me. It makes me realize more how tired I am of being on the losing end of opportunity, what a terrible parent I think I am and how hard it is going to be to dig back out of this hole.
It makes me sick to my stomach on a daily basis.

I wonder if my hopes, faith and dreams don't make any difference, than just what value do my words have?

Vote!

You can vote once a day until 11/6, so I hope you please vote for me, tweet it or beg strangers like I am to vote for me to get this job:


Good Mood Gig from SAM-e

Thank you!