Thursday, February 02, 2006

What Kind Of Person Must I Be?

My Aunt called me today to see what I was doing on Sunday.
"Nothing" I replied
"well, Sunday is the anniversary of the day your Dad died" she told me.
My heart hit the floor.
"Oh, yeah, Oh I know, I just didn't know what you meant by doing, yeah well, I will be at the cemetery" I stumbled realizing what kind of idiot I was.

I knew the date my father died, the 5th. Always 5 was my lucky number, the day he died it was no longer.
I hate February, I hate the 5th, I hate cancer, I hate New York, I hate God, I hate living so far away, I hate the winter, I repeated to myself over and over that cold day in February.
It was my mantra.
Into the tunnel: I hate February.
Through central park: I hate cancer.
Into the cavernous parking structure: I hate New York.
Passed the floors and floors of people struggling for life: I hate God.
Into the bathroom to throw up before I could make myself enter his room: I hate living so far away.

It was the day I rushed to New York to the best cancer hospital in the world, only to learn I was too late to say goodbye to my Father.
He was gone.

I hate February, I hate the 5th, I hate cancer, I hate New York, I hate God, I hate living so damn far away, I hate winter.

And now, just two years after that day changed my life forever, I had forgotten.
I could make excuses about my own health, my busied life, that time is slipping by faster now, but nothing will make me feel better about it.
I am sure that I would have remembered eventually, just like the pain when I wake in the moring.
What kind of daughter could I be?
In February, on the 5th, in New York, so far away in the long, cold winter.

5 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry about your dad. You didn't mean to forget but it's probably something you'd rather not remember. I'm sure you constantly think of your dad of times you had together while he was alive. Big Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree with Sabrina.
    It's just a day you don't want to remember, it's not that you forgot about your dad. Keep the good memories, it's okay to forget (or try to) the bad ones.
    Seriously, sometimes I hate God too.
    Hugs for you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I will think about you on Sunday my dear.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I know what you are going through.I lost my Dad to cancer almost 4 yrs ago and I do not think about the day he died any more but about the times we had together.

    ReplyDelete
  5. i think the first year, you hold to the specific dates. i don't feel like it's bad that you 'forgot' this year's specific day. you honor him daily throughout the year. it sounds like you guys were blessed with a loving relationship. he doesn't expect you to go back to feeling that bad again, every february 5th, every year. you're probably at just the right place with all this. take it easy on yourself. it's what he'd want.

    ((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))

    ReplyDelete

Talk to me