Sunday, February 28, 2010

The House

I saw the house we will be renting for the first time today and I cried.
It is not an awful house per say, but it is not mine.
The house we moved into with our twins was ours. We bought it and made in our own. It was our first and we were in love.
The house we leased in NH was ours, we thought we were going to be there forever and raise our children and grandchildren in it.
We made plans in it. We had dreams in it.

Now we are renters again and the house is small and ugly like bulldog ugly.
The boys will have to share a room and our bedroom will not fit all of our furniture.
It has one bath.
We have to finish the basement in order to fit our furniture in it. And our "stuff".

I didn't want to cry as I walked into the small kitchen with the teeny oven and no counter space. I felt the tears well up as I looked over the poorly painted walls and the old wooden cabinets. I knew it made E feel bad, as he was the one who picked this house.
I wanted to pick up my purse and turn on my heel right out the front door.
I don't want to pay what I paid on my mortgage for this tiny house, I don't want my kids to have to downsize everything just to "fit" in this home.

I am angry and sad. I want to rage against the machine. I want to scream at the top of my lungs on a mountain top.
I want to live in a home again, not just a house.

But, Tuesday Girl, a house is a house you have to make it your home you will tell me.
I know, I know I will say back to you and pat you on your head.

I do know, but at the same time, I don't want to know anything and just feel what I feel.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Pretty As A Picture

My daughter just turned seven but she has it all. She is smart, really smart and quick witted. She is tall and thin with blond, long hair.
She is fast at making friends. Bring her to any playgroup, playground or party and she will have at least a couple of new friends in 15 minutes flat.
People want to sit with her on the bus. She comes home with phone numbers and play date requests in her book bag weekly.

I always tell my kids how much I love them, how special they are and how pretty they look. I may tell them too much. In fact I know I tell them too much, so in an effort to not have the most conceited daughter in first grade, I focused my praise on her behaviors and showing the beauty on the inside.

One day R comes home from school and tells me how this boy in her class came up to her and told her that he was in love with her. She told this tale with enough disbelief and disgust in her voice to make me laugh.
"What did you say to him when he told you that, R?" I asked.
"I asked him 'what is beauty the only thing that matters to you?'"

Yeah, I may have been a little late with that inner beauty praise thing.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

I Still Love You

What is wrong with you? You are mad at me?
I know, I know, I haven't been around but I am here now.
Listen, it is not is me, I have been busy so many things going on around here.
You don't believe me? We have been moving, dealing with landlord drama, I have three kids, two of which I am teaching at home until we move into our new place. I am adjusting to E's new work schedule, I have stuff, I just can't come visit every day!

Take it easy, I still love you. I haven't been writing on my other site either.
I am back now, there is no reason to give me the cold shoulder.
You know you love me.

Come on now, lay down here and let me stroke your hair until you fall asleep just like you like. I know you will be back tomorrow.
Don't worry so will I.

Sunday, February 14, 2010


I love the color pink. I love hearts and girly things. I love eating by candlelight or next to a fire.
I love homemade cards with lace and glitter, I think telling someone what they mean to you shouldn't be reserved for one day. I love when my husband will just start dancing with me in the kitchen when there is no music on.
I love kissing and hugging, especially my children. I love hot pink pajamas.
I love chocolate and heart shaped pancakes.
I love the idea of love.
I love that sometimes it is so cold it reminds me I am alive.
I am so happy that love can linger on and never die even if your loved one will never come back to return it.
I love hot chocolate in a big mug. I love the first warm day of the year. I love chocolate covered fruit. I love bright pink tulips and the smell of lilacs.
I love how quiet it is when it snows.
I love finding the perfect shell on the beach.
I love how powerful love can be, how it makes you really feel alive.

And not just today, but everyday, I love: love.

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Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Since we are living with my sister in law and her two teenagers for the next few weeks, I need to assimilate to living with teenagers. I vaguely remember being one of these creatures although I remember being fourteen for an entire whole year once!
Since I have six years before I am the parent of teenagers, I am having a crash course and I have to say, I am not a fan.

Things that teenagers do not like to do:
listen to their parents
admit when they are wrong
wear clean clothing
do chores
listen to anyone
not speak in a whine
speak nicely
talk on the phone and text message other annoying teens
be clean
be nice to their parents or siblings
did I mention they don't like to either clean or be clean?

Things teenagers like to do:
act like an asshole
think they are the most important person in the world
fight with their siblings
take up the whole couch
live in filth
talk back
eat everything and say there is nothing to eat in the house
have an attitude for no reason
change clothes 50 times a day but unable to figure out how to use the washing machine
have friends who are dumb and as obnoxious as they are and who are also assholes

The moral of the story? We are screwed.

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Thursday, February 04, 2010

It's Only Half Past The Point Of No Return

This post is not written because I don't want what I have. I love what I have. Sometimes, though, you just remember and smile.

I want to start getting ready to go out a 10pm. I want to listen to the music in my car as loud as I want and not care who is watching me sing and dance.
I wish for the days where I never had to be anywhere at any time and hanging out doing nothing was on the days agenda. Every day.
I want to have a crush. I want to eat a cheeseburger deluxe with fries and gravy on the side at 2am at our diner. I want to eat that after a night filled with too much alcohol and too many cigarettes.
I wish for those nights that were so great you wished they would never end.
I long for those days when everything about each other was new, the passion was endless and being without each other for an hour was unbearable.

I want to eat pizza every night. I want to be as skinny as I was in high school. I want to go to parties every weekend with friends I have had since I was 4. I want my phone to ring at 3am with someone who just wants to talk to me.
I want to have a sleepover. I want a secret admirer.
I want to run until I thought my sides were going to split. I want to dream what my husband is going to look like and where we are going to live. I want to get a note passed to me in class. I want to wear a too-short dress and not care, because I can.

I want to swing on a swing under a full moon and go higher than I have ever gone before.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

Goodbye Snow that hangs out for months. Goodbye house we loved so much.

Monday, February 01, 2010


February is like a month chock full of Mondays. I hate it. Last year we moved to NH and left family and friends and maybe even hope behind in NJ. Six years ago my father died. This month, this year we are asking our kids to leave their friends once again and we are moving back to NJ. February is the time of year where I get sick of winter wish for a spring flower to bloom.
Just one.
So yeah, I am not a fan.

I told my husband once February sucks so bad they didn't even give it a full 30 days.

I sit here on the brink of this new month, this new February and I decided the month sucks because I let it. I have the power over my feeling and I can make the best of it or wallow in the terribleness of my memories.
E tells me I don't live in the moment enough, that I am not in "the now".
I completely agree with him.

This month, this year, this life in fact I have decided not to celebrate the deaths, or the failures. I am going to fight back against the demons.
This February I am going to see where life takes me, I am going to embrace change instead of fighting it.
This month I am going to stare out at my snow covered lawn and think of the bright flowers just waiting to bloom under the warm sun.

I can almost smell them already.