Sunday, February 28, 2010

The House

I saw the house we will be renting for the first time today and I cried.
It is not an awful house per say, but it is not mine.
The house we moved into with our twins was ours. We bought it and made in our own. It was our first and we were in love.
The house we leased in NH was ours, we thought we were going to be there forever and raise our children and grandchildren in it.
We made plans in it. We had dreams in it.

Now we are renters again and the house is small and ugly like bulldog ugly.
The boys will have to share a room and our bedroom will not fit all of our furniture.
It has one bath.
We have to finish the basement in order to fit our furniture in it. And our "stuff".

I didn't want to cry as I walked into the small kitchen with the teeny oven and no counter space. I felt the tears well up as I looked over the poorly painted walls and the old wooden cabinets. I knew it made E feel bad, as he was the one who picked this house.
I wanted to pick up my purse and turn on my heel right out the front door.
I don't want to pay what I paid on my mortgage for this tiny house, I don't want my kids to have to downsize everything just to "fit" in this home.

I am angry and sad. I want to rage against the machine. I want to scream at the top of my lungs on a mountain top.
I want to live in a home again, not just a house.

But, Tuesday Girl, a house is a house you have to make it your home you will tell me.
I know, I know I will say back to you and pat you on your head.

I do know, but at the same time, I don't want to know anything and just feel what I feel.

7 comments:

  1. I understand.. we have always been renters.. i cant wait to buy a house b/c no matter what I do to this apartment its not mine. I feel yah.

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  2. Give yourself some time. My husband and I built our first home and then bought our second. Now, after another relocation, we're in a rental and I've grown to love it. We made the decision not to buy for a long time.....after losing a ton of money on our last house due to a relocation.....so I've changed my ways of thinking about "home".

    It is, indeed, what you make it. You can do it!

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  3. I think it's hard to embrace change, especially when the circumstances are tough. I keep thinking I want to move into a newer, smaller house but I have so many attachments to the one we live in (it's the house I grew up in).

    I hope everything works out. I know how difficult this must be.

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  4. I think it's OK to feel this way. It's completely understandable to be sad that the pictures you imagine in your mind aren't the ones in front of you. I know it's difficult, but I'm hoping things work out.

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  5. I totally understand how you're feeling. You had it great for awhile, and right now things sssssuck.

    They will get better. You can feel what you feel right now, but remember, it WILL get better. This kind of crap won't last forever.

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  6. I know exactly how you feel and it sucks sometimes. Just know that it won't be like that forever and try to make the best of it....I know it's easy for me to say, but believe me I just went through the worst year of my life and I know that things do change if you want them to.

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