Saturday, May 29, 2004

I'm Just a Girl

Today I had to go to the hair salon to get highlights and my hair trimmed. I dread it because it takes about 3 hours. By the end of the three hours my neck & back hurt from those stupid chairs and I know that I will have little hairs on my person for days. The only part that it totally enjoyable is the hair washing. I LOVE to have my head massaged. I need to get one of those head tingler thingys from Linens n Things. Do you know that it costs $20? That's a lot for a head massager thingy I think. My friend has a vibrating one, but I think that is taking it to another level.
I like pampering myself don't get me wrong, but why don't men have to groom themselves? It is just the start of the shirtless season where men across the country will be topless and we will be temporarily blinded by the sea of hairy backs. Men, please wax your back. I am sure a loved one will gladly oblige or, if you have no loved one, please seek the nearest salon, stick out your chest, throw your shoulders back and with pride demand a back waxing pronto. Women, if you know of a man with an exceptional amount of hair on his back or perhaps even overly hairy pits or thighs, offer your waxing services. You will be helping all mankind.
I along with your fellow Americans, Thank You in advance.

Thursday, May 27, 2004


Do you remember a time when you would actually stay on the phone all night, until 2 or 3 in the morning, with the same person?The invention of three way calling & call waiting were around the time where I "discovered" the phone. My Mom rocked and got me my own phone line in 6th grade. The teen boyfriend. I would talk for hours on the phone with that cat. I swore on my life that I just flat out loved him, and I did. Do teenagers do that today? What the fuck were we talking about? Oh God, and was there poetry involved? I swear, people always say those relationships are just puppy love but that shit truly shapes your young adulthood. The pain was real and so were the feelings. I had my share of insane young people relationships. They seem so very important at the time, don't they? That was a time when you got to wear your boyfriends letter jacket. Fuck the jacket. It took me a while to figure that out.


Hey Bush you and your gas prices are killing me softly.

P.S. Have you or anyone in your administration heard of separation of church and state?

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Strange Rituals

Now, I am the first to admit I have OCD. Not the horrible, can't leave your house for fear of germs, need to comb the tassels on the rug kind of OCD, but still bothersome nonetheless.
I realized I have a ritual for taking a shower. I always step in right foot first, I always face away from the shower head* and I always wash my left shoulder first. Today I wondered "Why do I wash my left shoulder first? Clearly it is not the dirtiest part of my body." I had no answer.
When done washing, rinsing & repeating, I step out of the shower take my towel & dry my face first & then dry my hair. This I assume, is why my floor mat is always damp for some time after I shower. I wonder if I could change my washing rituals after all these years (not that many). I guess I should be glad that I am not wearing flip flops in the shower anymore. (again, OCD)
My pillows have to be a certain way for me to sleep, I line things up in the refrigerator & in my cabinets and I am obsessed with Baby A & Baby B's ear wax. Maybe they are not rituals, but things that just make you feel comfortable in your own space or your own skin.
I wonder if everyone else has rituals.

* Yes, I shower facing away from the water. I recently realized that this is not the common practice and that I am very strange to do so, or so says E. My sister showers the same way so I assume it was something that was taught. Way to go Mom.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Yes, you

Well, I had hoped people in this world could do it without my help, but it looks like I will have to step in.
I assumed we all had access to mirrors and used them religiously before one left the house for any reason, but I was under a false assumption. Now I will lay out some easy guidelines for you people at home. Perhaps you can even forward it to some of your fashion-less friends.

1) Just say no to scrunchies and banana clips. Yes, the occasional scrunchie inside of your own home for the purpose of a mask is ok, but no more then once a week. And don't let me find more then 1 in your possession.
2)The lady in the Old Navy commercial is dead and so are those glasses. I know you have seen J.Lo in them and therefore you think it is a green light, but it is not.
3)Spandex is for bicyclists. Enough said.
4)Never, never ever shave your eyebrows and then thinly draw them in. If you didn't want them why are your drawing them in?!?
5)You MAY NOT wear any sort of sandal without getting a pedicure. Nobody wants to see your gnarly, ugly, corn ridden feet. They cost $15, so splurge. This most definitely applies for men too.

There are many more but I will just leave you with these for awhile. Take it all in, and then you can start applying it to your life.

AFTERTHOUGHT: Deodorant=not such a bad thing, especially if say you were going to wait in line at the DMV for 5 or 6 hours on a hot summer day.

The Grocery Store

I hate food shopping. I hate coupon clipping, I hate that there seems to be nothing you want to eat there, I hate the teenage girl that is too friggin slow at the register and the fact that she has time to have a conversation with other teenage cashiers on my time. I HATE the people who sit there & watch their little packages go down the conveyer belt, pile up at the bottom and jam up the entire scan/bag/place in cart system. They wait for the poor teenage cashier to bag their shit. I hate that!! How lazy can you be?! Bag your shit man (in my experience it is the common occurance of the middle aged man but I have seen middle aged women at fault), you see me standing there waiting for you but you think you are better then me or anyone else in line. I have news for you, you are not.
Every time I go to the grocery store it is riddled with old people. I like old people I swear, but I would really like them to shop at the crack of dawn when they get up, not at high noon where people are trying to get lunch & eat it on a strict 60 minute time line or when people who just worked a long day are just trying to pick up a nutritious meal for the ones that they love. They clog up the isles, walking slow, oblivious to anyone else around them, having a 2 hour conversation with their shopping mate about which bran bread is better.
Do you lose brain cells when you enter the store? Any sense of manners, urgency, common courtesy flies out the window? Why do you not know that baby B is a girl? She is dressed from head to toe in pink, which I assume is a dead give away, but alas, I get more "what a cute fellow/sweet boy" than I know what to do with. it boggles the mind.
I hate that store, but I will be back, with the masses, next week.

Monday, May 24, 2004

Hot Hot Hot

We live on the East Coast, Jersey to be exact. The weather here is unpredictable and VERY annoying. The past week has been hot here. NJ is not just hot, it is humid. The kind of humidity that as soon as you open the door to leave your house you are blanketed by the heavy, thick, smog ridden air. It's bad and for a girl like me with asthma, it can be really bad.
Well, yesterday our air conditioner was broken. My poor babies were so irritable from the heat and E & I weren't doing to well either. I had to go to Kmart & buy fans for the house. (Why is Kmart a total disaster every time I ever enter one?!) I barely slept at all, I really need a comfortable sleeping temperature for any sort of good nights sleep. Plus I have a need to have at least one sheet or blanket on me at all times in bed, which is not conducive to non air conditioning homes.
thank goodness it was fixed today & now we can wallow in our cool home.........maybe I will never leave.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

A waste of my Saturday

Today we had to go to my sister in laws house. She is married has 2 kids, 10 & 9 and I swear just by being in her house you feel chaotic and maladjusted. The house is always in disarray, kids everywhere, dust everywhere, toys, books, videos, clutter everywhere. You can't be comfortable there, you either want to pick up a broom and mop and get to it or you want to flee.
She invites us over because we hadn't seen each other in some time but when we get there we find out her daughter, son & husband all have other plans. Now why did I haul my cookies over an hour to sit & feel like we are in the way. I hate it. I dread going there.
I dread it like I dread the dentist or pap smears.

Friday, May 21, 2004


Seriously Apple Martin(i)? Why? Why would you do that? Would you want to be called Apple or Ape for short you whole life? Kids are cruel man, and you are just handing them the ammunition.
I just heard that Jermaine Jackson's son is named Jermajesty. That is just pure cruelty. Is he just competing with his brother for all the "royalty" names (prince, princeII, princess whatthehelleveress)? I mean, now naming all your kids after you, ala George Foreman, doesn't sound so bad. Who cares that you can never tell who your Mom or Dad are calling? There is a plus side, you can claim all the gifts under the Christmas tree, you can conviently assume they are not talkign to you when they tell you to: stand up straight/eat your veggies/clean that amazing grilling apparatus that paid for this house. You could be golden.
Once there was a girl in my neighborhood that was named Bambette. No really. I mean that's great if you want your child to be a stripper. My friend told me today that his friend is a teacher in an inner city school in Jersey. She has twin students that are named, hold onto your seats, Sharon and Notsharon. DFYS, CPS where are yooouuuuu???? That is child cruelty right there.
Horrible. Believe me I struggled with Baby A & Baby B's names too. I also wanted something not so common but making up names was not for me. But maybe, just maybe, I am the odd one.

TV revisited

I love old TV shows. Obscure ones. I still haven't found anyone who remembers "What a Dummy" starring a puppet and that guy in Britney Spears' latest video. It was SO bad, the puppet came to life only around the family. It was on Saturday afternoons in the 80s. Its a living, Small wonder (did you know that Vicky grew up to be a born again Christian?!?)Good Times, Little house on the prairie and My so called life to name a few.
I also L O V E documentaries. HBO has the best ones. Appalachian mountain people, babies competing in pageants, a woman who single handedly cares for 13 non biological children who all have special needs- I love it all.
Seriously though I need to find someone who remembers What A Dummy.

Thursday, May 20, 2004


I told my parents when I was 10 then I thought being an adult sucked. They denied it of course. Who can blame them, if your life sucked wouldn't you want to find meaning in the repetitive, obligatory, mundane daily life you lived? When I was young you looked forward to summer vacation, it was a constant, no school, BBQs, trips down the shore, a pool party here & there etc. But what does an adult look forward to? The (WOW) 2 weeks vacation a year?!
It does stink. Stress, bills, errands, keeping a marriage/family/household working. Not really as bad as I thought though. I do wish I could step back in time, on a long summer night, where you would play in the neighborhood until you got eaten alive by bugs, you had some Dairy Queen and someone reminded you to take a bath & that your new clean nightgown was all laid out for you.
I loved my childhood.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004


Ohhhh I LOVE TV. Always have. I have a huge guilty pleasure show list: I love Lucy, almost ALL reality TV, old reruns of unsolved mysteries, frontier Life, curb your enthusiasm, sopranos and Roseanne to name a few. Why is reality TV so good? You could just hook a camera up to any random family's house & I would watch all day. I am so fascinated by human behavior, like why people eat certain combinations of foods, why they will get up & start their day without brushing their teeth first and why god why, are you still wearing that banana clip in the year 2004?! Twelve years ago you should have thrown that thing out and that is a generous time frame. Give me a show with a small statured man looking for love? I am there, a family down on their luck needing a home makeover? Done. 18 kids who had 15 minutes of fame, competing on a challenge show looking to make a buck so they don't have to face the reality that they are now in their 30's and STILL don't have a job? Please, I live on that stuff.
Maybe I missed my calling, I should have been a TV producer.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004


Well, I guess this my new "home" for awhile. I have been looking into an outlet and this just might be it.
Welcome, have a seat and get comfy, it will be a strange ride I am sure.
Who am I you may ask, well I am Tuesday. I am a young married girl just lucky enough to have twin toddlers running around. For this blog's sake we will call my husband E and my son Baby A & my daughter Baby B.