Friday, March 30, 2007

She Wants a Sister

I am still alive.
So are all four kids, which I guess is important too.

I would love to know when I will be able to shower though.

Yesterday my daughter told her teacher and her class that I was pregnant and it was a girl. L backed up her story and the teacher asked me about it since I hadn't mentioned anything. She has been talking about me having a baby a lot lately and I wonder where it is coming from.
Of course when I was pregnant last fall we made the huge mistake of telling them before we had our first ultrasound. Bad move. The kids would ask if I had a baby in my belly and I would just tell them, no, we had made a mistake but then the questions stopped.

Maybe she thinks that if she says it, it will be true?
This family is so strange.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Target or the Gap

This afternoon after I pick up the kids from school, I will drive 1.5 hours to pick up both of my nephews and drive 1.5 home with them. they are staying with me until my sister gets out of the hospital which is going to be a few more days.

I am going to have 4 kids under the age of 6 in this house. All day. I can't even leave because my car does not fit 3 car seats and 1 booster seat unless one wants to ride in the front seat or the trunk. You think I am crazy right?
I am, but more importantly I love my sister and this is sure to score HUGE sister points. Perfect timing for sister point since my birthday is in like 10 days and although I will not age, I will be accepting gifts.

I have a plan though. I am going to let them race each other around the house until it is bedtime. Sounds great right? Right?

If you do not hear from me in a few days you know I have died and I would love to be buried by Target.
Let E know.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Zack Braff Where Are you?

It is not bad enough my sister fractures her ankle 10 days ago and that she has a 6 year old and a 19 month old. It was fun! when she couldn't walk up the stairs to put her sons to bed or put her baby in his highchair to eat or that even her husband works 16 hour days in a row and then is off for 4 days.
Which is great, except for those two 16 hour days.

That wasn't bad enough, now doctors have found blood clots in her leg. Dangerous blood clots. So she sat in the ER for 12 hours not moving her leg one single inch so as not to dislodge the clot(s) and send them shooting to her lungs or heart or anywhere.

She is finally in a room but has not eaten or had anything to drink in eternity because the doctors still do not know what course of action to take with this clot, or maybe they already have a master plan, but we would not know because no doctor has made an appearance for 12 hours.
I am sure they have more important things to do like buy a golf club, count their money or scratch their old, dirty balls.
The last one was just a guess.

This is the care you get in one of the best medical centers in NJ.
Where are the doctors from Scrubs when you need them?

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood

An Easter package came for my kids last night from Florida. You know what that means, death by candy from the grandparents.
I swear you would think they are dentists by the way they are trying to drum up business. I think we have received no less then 3lbs of jellybeans, mystery bunny head shaped candy and chocolate.
I am not complaining about the chocolate because I have stashed it for myself.
My ass does not thank me.
before we got the package I made a big old pound cake. That was a mistake.

I may go into Housewives of OC withdrawals tonight. I miss the show already. What grown man is named Slade anyway?

Spring has decided to give us a taste of the good life here today, it is going to be 77 degrees. Not much for some of you people, but for us? It is a little slice of heaven. I have already opened all my windows to allow at least some of the germs that have festered in here all winter to escape.
It also means I am way overdue for a pedicure. Who wants to go with me?

Monday, March 26, 2007

Doobie Muppets

I loved the Muppet's when I was young. When I took my kids and nephew to the theater to go see Muppet's Take Manhattan last summer I realized I knew all the words and songs. My nephew thought I was crazy.

Little does he know.

My favorite muppet is Beaker follow closely by Floyd Pepper the bassist from the Electric Mayhem band.

Thinking back on the Muppet show, Floyd always seemed high as a kite. I never put two and tow together but it all makes sense now, the hat, the Gerry Garcia vibe, the two tone unwashed hair.
Then E was watching some 70s music show and I realized who Floyd was mirrored after: Skunk.
That is right, a Doobie Brother. A Doobie Brother.
Now we know what Jim Henson was smoking.
After all this information, now who do you think Dr. Teeth was created after?

Dumb Adults

We took the kids to the aquarium yesterday and all I have to say is, if you are an adult do you think it would be such a bad thing if you moved out of the way and let a small child see the fish?

I swear people are such rude, idiots!

More later, I have a theory about the muppets that has shook me to the core.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Family Oriented Neighborhood

Yesterday afternoon E was playing with the kids in our backyard when he found this:

This is not our garbage. I swear.
I do love that someone in our neighborhood is getting it on big time with the pleasure pack. Not even with 12 condoms but with 14!
AND it is a variety pack too! I thought the only good variety packs were donuts. I stand corrected.
Things seemed to have changed since I was in the condom buying market of society. Twisted Pleasure condoms?
It sounds like a "adult" drink I buy in a four pack. The Trojan website says that twisted pleasures have a "special twist at the closed end". I can't say enough how this fascinates me.
Then there is Mint Tingle which has mint flavor, fragrance, and color. Does that not sound like it would burn your vagina? I don't really get that one.
I do get Her Pleasure which is textured for her pleasure. Can it also give me a pedicure? That would really be my pleasure.
Lastly there is Shared Pleasures which has warming lubricant for both partners. I am not sure about this. It depends how warm. Warm like a fresh baked roll or like a fiery yeast infection?
Whatever your pleasure, I am glad I got to peek into the ever changing world of condoms and to whichever neighbor bought them, I wish you luck.
edit: now go read my interview for storkcalling. Look under: our blog

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Are You There God, It's Me, Tuesday

I had a busy day yesterday. I went to my hometown to visit my Aunt in the hospital, have lunch with my Grandma, two of my cousins and step mother, then visit my sister and her new cast at her house.

I felt like I was on a UFO tour. Throwing out some jokes, watching my daughter R, sing and dance and the bye! Hope you feel better soon! Got to go before we hit fabulous NJ rush hour traffic! For anyone out side the tri-state area, the traffic is everywhere at every hour, every day.

Last night I treated myself to an Ambien after I watched LOST, (his Dad pushed him out a window and then appeared on the island? WOW!) and I have no memory of the night just the sweet deep sleep I was in.
It is so great.

I appreciate all of your comments on my problem with this blog. I know I will keep it, I love it. I just think I will be outed soon because I already have agreed to write at a new place and I also agreed to be interviewed about my blogs.
I will be outed, you will know more about me and my life, and I think I am ok with that.
Now I am off to erase any incriminating evidence and hope that my friends and family who find this blog either go away from boredom, or never bring up my vibrator or shaving habits at Thanksgiving dinner.
Or maybe that will make for a more fun family get together?

Tuesday, March 20, 2007


I have a problem.
I am not sure what to do with this blog.

When I started this blog it was to write about my life, catharsis or a cheap alternative to therapy. I wrote it for myself but also not to feel so alone, to remind myself daily that there are people who feel the same way I do about motherhood, life and or being a SAHM. I never told anyone in my real life about it besides my husband.
I didn't want to have to censor myself, I didn't want to have to omit things in my life because I didn't want my Mom, friends or sister to read it.

I have always kept this blog separate from my life and the people in it, you don't know my real name, you don't know my husband or my children's names, I don't share our pictures. I never wanted anyone in my life to find this, but it is getting harder and harder.

Now I wonder, so I shut down this blog and just continue with my parenting blog? Do I censor myself and remove a ton of old posts in case I am "outed"?
Do I just come out of the blogging closet with my name and face and everything else?

I want to know what you do.
Why do you remain anonymous? Do people in your life read your blog and are you censoring because of it?
I need you all to help me with this decision, come out like it is de-lurking week.
I need my peeps.

Spring Cleaning

Well, it was about time wasn't it?

Thank Ro from Ciao! My Bella!. She was great to work with and fast.

I was going to go crazy if I had to look at that old stupid template from blogger for one more second.


Monday, March 19, 2007

Falling Down

Last week it went from 75 degrees on Wednesday to an icy rain storm that pelted us all day and later turned to snow, on Friday. Good times.

Turns out on Friday night my sister fell in front of her house and hurt her ankle and knee. She tried to wait out the pain but yesterday she went to the ER and found out she broke her ankle. And she has a 6 year old and a one year old. And her husband starts his new hours today which is a 16 hour day. I was going up to help her today but she told me not to worry about it, she will just keep the baby downstairs for naps and feed him on the couch instead of the high chair.
I hope she does ok.

My Aunt fell on the ice outside of her sister house on Saturday. She broke her knee and her ankle and had surgery last night. She will be in the hospital for a while.

Last October my Grandmother fell and hurt her knee badly she had to have surgery and is still going to rehab.

What is wrong with my family? Why is everyone taking a tumble?
I better be very careful walking.

Friday, March 16, 2007

People Are Strange

Simon Cowell said on his 60 minute interview that he was asked to watch some couple have sex and rate them.

Simon also says on 60 Minutes that he was once asked “to come to [a couple’s] house and comment on him and his wife in bed.” He says, according to the New York Post, that people “were both in their fifties and he was going to pay me $100,000 for it,” but he said no. “I stupidly turned it down. I should’ve taken the money, because it would be a much more interesting story now.”

WHY would someone want to do this? Also who would love to give me $100k for commenting on their sex? I will do it for 10k.
OK, you got me, I would do it for $100.00.
I have things to say.

I would never want anyone commenting on me having sex, and I certainly would never pay someone to watch me.
Lets face it, if I wanted to hear how fat I was or how I am doing everything wrong, I will just invite my mother over.

Thursday, March 15, 2007


I have my mothers lips.

If you ask me who I resemble, my mother or my father I will always quickly tell you my father. I do look like him. Except for my mothers lips.
As a child people would always say I looked like my Dad and my sister looked more like my Mom. It was a truth I knew.
As I age it becomes more apparent. The size, the lines, my smile. They are all from my Mother.

I don't talk a lot about my Mother on my blog, but blogs are strange like that. We give each other what we want to give. We let you in as much as we are willing or able. Most could all be a lie, the perfect marriage, the big house, the smart kids.

My Mom is great. I have had my problems with her and we fought a lot when I was growing up. We butted heads, maybe because I was more like my father, stubborn, proud, headstrong, typically Irish. They couldn't stay married so maybe the qualities I possessed bothered her about me too.
I am not sure.
I love her. She is strong and so loving. She always finds the good in situations, too much so sometimes. She believes there are reasons for the bad. She has faith in her god. Again, maybe too much sometimes.

Maybe that is what I need more of in my life. Maybe like the glimpse I catch of myself in my mirror, as time passes I will realize I am more like my Mom then I ever thought.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

My Home Is Falling Apart

My dishwasher is comign tomorrow and never has anything been more awaited since I had over 15lbs of babies residing in my uterus.

Or since my Dyson arrived.

Or since E came home from a business trip

Ok, so I anticipate everything with utter excitment, but if you knew how much I hated washing fucking dishes by hand, you would know how excited I am.
I will rewash everything E washed because I just realized how terrible at dishes he is.
Speaking of E he brought me home a chocolate martini gift basket from Harry and David. He gets me. Chocolate martinis flowed last night while E tried to put in a new garage door opener.

Yes, home ownership really sucks sometimes.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Pizza Day

I was yelled at by my son in front of his whole class last week because I forgot it was pizza day and he had to eat some stinking sandwich I packed for him with love.
Today they asked me no less then 12 times if I remembered to pay the teacher for pizza so they can have pizza with their friends.
I remembered and I even paid for next weeks pizza.
I am really getting a hang of this motherhood thing.

Yesterday I made my children cupcakes because they had been asking me to make them something that was not vegetables or a square meal. They wanted the good stuff and since I do not let them eat sweets or shitty cereal or plain old crap I decided that cupcakes were in order. They deserve shit once in awhile.
I made the cake from a box but made my own chocolate icing and it was so good!

I may or may not have eaten two cupcakes this morning for breakfast.
Hey, I said the kids don't eat crap I didn't say anything about their parents!

If you are in the mood come check me out over here and see what my daughter has been begging me for.

Monday, March 12, 2007


Lately my kids love to argue with each other. This morning I had to break up a fight over whether my son will have a beard and what color it will be. L said he wants a white beard when he is a man and R said she doesn't want him to have a beard but if he has to have one she wants it to be brown.


It is always fun in this house! L also noted that he can't wait to grow up because his penis will grow up too!

I told him I don't care who grows up in this house but once you do, you are all getting jobs.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Sick. Again.

The wellness gods cursed me when I thought to myself earlier this winter, I haven't been sick! I am so healthy! I am a marvel of a woman!
Now I am sick again, this time with a head cold.

Damn you germs!!!!

I have gone too having some sort of stomach bug to my period to a head cold.
I will never be well again!

I have to be better for George, my new trainer on Monday. Did I mention he was hot? Because if I forgot to mention that it was only because I was still mesmerized by his hotness and the hotness that surrounded him like radiant beams. Reminds me of Davis from the Real World.
Very Nordic, very buff, very young. That is just how I like them. I mean trainers, not guys because you know, I am married and I have kids for pete's sake and I will have to drop the kids off at the babysitter part of the gym and so they will be in the building while I am being trained, hard and what were we talking about again?

Suddenly I am flushed but I know it is because I am sick, not because my new trainer, George is hotttttttttttttt.
I am going to lie down now.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Meet George, My New Trainer

Here it is kids, our new dishwasher.
Very exciting, but of course I pick the one that is not in stock and won't be here until next week sometime. More dry hands for me.
Today I finally went to the gym to sign up and take a tour. I have a appointment with a personal trainer on Monday at 9am. That is no joke.
He seemed nice but I hope he has a sense of humor. If you couldn't tell, I am very sarcastic and I want to have fun even with the furnace repair man, I like to have fun. If this guy doesn't get my sense of humor or doesn't want to have fun while he beats my ass to the ground, we are in real trouble.
Whatever the case, it will make for a good story that day. Unless I can't raise my arms to type.
That is a real possibility people, very real.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Open Letters

Dear strange man in random stores:
Yes, I know my daughter is cute, adorable in fact, but do not touch her. I know you are probably a nice man, maybe even a lonely, widowed Grandfather, but it creeps me out to no end. Do not touch her. You are lucky I didn't bite off your hand, and if my husband was there, he would have bit your head off.
Hand to yourself people.

Love, Tuesday

Dear period,
E-fucking-nough already. Don't come 8 days late, stronger then ever, more cramps then ever then disappear for 36 hours and try and come back. You had your chance. I am not going to play peek a boo with you. Come all out or hang out until next month, it is your choice.

Fuck you,

Dear lent,
I didn't give up anything for you. Last year I gave up my thyroid, I figure that will even me up for a few years at least. Plus, what have you done for me lately?
Sorry, but I even ate turkey on Friday.

Love, Tuesday

Dear readers,
Whirlpool or Fridgidaire?

Love, Tuesday

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Full Day

The good news is that the gross bug we all had in this house has flown away. The bad news is that my sister and my mother who visited this weekend? Yeah they have it. I just hope my nephews don't get it.

On the agenda today is blogging, a ultrasound on my thyroid, and finally buying a dishwasher. We have been looking at dishwashers forever now and I really can't pick one. The $300 ones really don't seem any worse then the $600 ones. I don't want the best dishwasher since I don't plan on being in this house for more then two more years. Any dishwasher suggestions?

We also need to get (2) booster car seats, a new garage door opener, a quilt for my daughter's bed and curtains for the living room.
That is why I am thinking about becoming a phone sex operator. Or selling E's sperm.
Whichever is more lucrative.

Monday, March 05, 2007


Since we last spoke...................
My son threw up. All night. Three pj changes, two sheet/pillowcase changes, one emergency washing of king size sheets, and one underwear that was tossed because of, ahem....... leakage.
Good times.

Oh, did I tell you that same night, my furnace stopped working again?? So PSE&G had to come out the next morning and fix it and told us that we were ripped off by at least $200 by the company that put in the ignitor and they installed it wrong.
I am SO getting my money back. Bastards!

Last night E came home from work and more puking! It seems that since he "never gets sick, and never throws up" the karma gods decided to show him a virus that can still kick his ass.
So it has made its round to my entire family in ten days and lets hope it doesn't want to go around again.

I am so sick of doing laundry.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Wax On Wax Off

Yesterday was a crappy day but was vaulted into mediocrity when I finally got a much needed haircut and my eyebrows waxed. I usually get my eyebrows threaded, but my salon doesn't have that service so I went with the wax.
It hurts more, but it is a good pain.

I did learn that eyebrows are sisters not twins. So I can feel less self conscious that one is longer and higher then the other. She evened them out as close as possible but I can still tell. Maybe I should have a shirt made that says they are sisters not twins, but why draw more attention to my breasts.
Hell who am I kidding, my breasts are fabu and they love all the attention.
Did you know breasts are sister and not twins also? I did, because my one is slightly bigger then the other which I only realized recently when one kept peeking out of my new bra and also because that is what my waxist(?) told me.
She is so freaking wise.
I love her.

Now, the dilemma is do you let the one you love wax your most private of areas? I like the girl, she was so sweet, she met my daughter, she told me about her wedding, I feel we are too close to be nude together, unless I am going to have an orgasm at the end.
I think I will have to retreat to a new unknown salon for my bikini waxing needs and let my new friend stick to waxing my eyebrows.
Maybe, if she plays her cards right, my legs too.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

My Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Ok, get comfortable and get something to drink, this is going to be a long one.
Because I knew E was away all week, I made plans last week with my family to go up and visit yesterday. I wanted to go see my friend who had her baby last week, visit my grandmother and maybe have dinner with my Mom.

Then I started not feeling so well, like I said, last Friday. Tuesday night I did not sleep well, I thought maybe I was pregnant ( I am not) and I was tired and grumpy yesterday morning. I decided getting out of the house would be good for me and the kids even though I was dreading the 3 hour round trip that I had already done twice in 8 days.

I got up at stopped for lunch at a great place we love to go to that has been around forever, and my sister and her youngest met us there. I let the kids each have a milkshake because they were so good in the car and they had never had one before. Everyone ate a lot and we headed over to my Grandmother's house. We visited we saw two of my cousins and had a nice time, then we went to my friend's house. We visited, held a cute new baby boy who is so sweet and left a about an hour later. From there we met my Mother for dinner. My daughter wanted grilled cheese which is her very favorite standard order. It came and she didn't touch it. I thought it was because she was so tired, she hadn't napped all day, but then she said her stomach hurt. We thought it was because she was hungry.

We take her food home and my son's unfinished pizza say good bye to my Mom and get on the road at about 7:40 pm, which is their bedtime anyway.
I get onto the NJ Turnpike and go about 10 miles and my daughter started throwing up.
In the car.
With nobody to help me.

I had to go another 15 miles before I could get to the next rest stop. I was going as fast as I can while trying to calm her down because this is only the second time she has thrown up in her little, short life.
I pull in and I try to clean her up, but it is everywhere, chunks of disgusting hot dogs and pickles. I wanted to die, I am a gagger and I tried so hard not to puke too.
I get her as cleaned up as I can and get back on the road, I just want to be HOME. A couple of miles later she is puking again. Then 5 minutes from home, again. She has now successfully soaked her coat, her pants, her sweater, her brothers coat and every inch of her car seat.

I couldn't carry her in because she was covered in puke. I had to walk them around the side of my house and let us in the side door because my garage door opener is broken. Fun!
I had to strip her all the while she is shaking and saying how cold he is, then put her in the shower. Then I had to get her dressed, put the nasty clothes in the wash and get her brother dressed for bed.

At this point I am sweating and cursing E for being away when all hell brakes loose when I notice it is really cold downstairs. I check the thermostat which says it is 57 in the house but the target temperature is at 67. I turn it up. Nothing.

I call E. He asks me to go into the basement and check the blue flame of death in the furnace. I don't see any flames.
Shit. We have no heat.
The curse of when E is away on business strikes again*.

I had to call our plumbing company which charges us for a overtime charge plus parts and labor or I could wait for PSE&G to come out between 12-4 today. I couldn't wait. If it was just me, I would have frozen but R was sick and I didn't know how cold it was going to get at night, I didn't want to chance it.

More then I was going to spend on a new dishwasher later, the furnace is working. The part the size of ipod was replaced and I remarked how anything that little should not cost more then $10.50. He was not a man with a sense of humor.
I knew I should have worn something more cleavage revealing**!

So that was my day, one of the worst in recent memory. I am glad E is coming home tonight, I am glad I got my hair cut today and my eyebrows waxed, that I can take a sleeping pill tonight, that my daughter feels better but likes staying home and snuggling me on the couch, and that I will finally have a decent cup of coffee tomorrow.

I am tired.

* things that have gone wrong while E was away on business:
-Mom's cat has diarrhea all over my house, new carpet and kid's expensive couch
-water overflowed in toilet and I had to touch gross old pipes and turn off water to bathroom and then live there for one more day before he came home
-dog was so sick and had peed and diarrhea all over my still new carpet, she was dying and died two days after he came home from trip
-water heater exploded all over basement! Fun!
-got a call my Dad was dying and if I wanted to see him get to NYC fast.

** I actually debated whether to change into something cleavage revealing to maybe favor my odds in getting a better price. Hey! It works!
I was too tired.

Post #1

you will NOT believe the day I had yesterday! It was a long terrible day and I will post about it a little later. I am finally getting a haircut and my eyebrows waxed so as soon as I get back, I will write a long assed post about it.