Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween

I have always liked Halloween. What is there not to like you get to dress up walk around after dark and get candy from strangers. Talk about fun for a kid.

What I like most about it is that you can be someone else for a day. You can be something you want to be when you grow up, someone scary, someone you admire, someone who is the opposite of who you are.
I have been thinking about moving a lot lately, I am not one for change, I like familiarity, I like comfort, I like knowing what is where and that my stuff is always where it is supposed to be.

When I was 18, I thought I knew it all. I knew exactly how my life was going to go, I had the world by the balls and I was reveling in it. I didn't take my parent's advice about staying home my first semester and going to Seton Hall college, a great school, then maybe moving onto campus if I wanted to.
No. I wanted to go away, I wanted to go and test my independence. I was scared but invigorated at the same time. It was the most exciting time of my life.
I decided to go to Ohio State.

I hated it.
I hated every single minute of it. I hated that I wanted my mom, my family, my bed. I couldn't hack it by myself. Everyone who went to Ohio State lived in Ohio. I didn't feel like I fit in, even in the largest college in America.
I hated that I boarded a plane with my father that late, stormy night to come home. Who was this person I had become? What a weak, chicken-shit girl.
I couldn'a hack it, I had failed my family and worse yet, I had failed myself.
To this day it is my biggest regret.

Now I face the same fears again. Could I do it this time? Can I leave everything behind for a new home?
I don't know that I can. I can't promise I won't want my mom, or my house or my family.

What I do know is that I will try. I will make every day Halloween and reinvent myself. This is the chance to erase my faults, the little things you wish you could change about yourself. It is the chance to shed my skin and make myself a more brilliant color.
I will meet new people who do not know my weaknesses or history, I can be whomever I want to be.
That makes me happy.
Today I will celebrate what I am scared of and who I will become, not for just one day but forever.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Giveaways In Replace Of A Real Post

I am getting a little bit sick of this single parent thing M-F. I am tired. And cranky. I am hating Halloween this year because I feel so unprepared.
While I try and get Batman, Sleeping Beauty and the cutest monkey you ever did see ready for tomorrow, you will have to excuse this sorry excuse for a post.

I have a Lands' End Diaper Bag giveaway going on and a cool Baby Name Book giveaway.
That should appease you because you don't really need more candy do you?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Whole Foods Did Me Wrong

I am seriously thinking of doing a Vlog but I have no idea what to talk about. I can barely find anything to write about these days with my brain wrapped around moving, selling this house, raising kids and making sure nobody in this house dies on my watch including 1 house plant and 2 cats.

I took all three of my kids out in the freezing cold weather and terrible wind and rain to go to their scheduled baking class at Whole Foods. I get there and they told me it was cancelled and they "tried" to call everyone.
Try harder asshole, I was having a shitty day that just got much shittier now that I have three cold and wet kids. They didn't even apologize!
Very un-Whole Foods like.

I am even more pissed because I bought a $8 pot pie from them and it was delicious. Pissed that I love WF but they treated me so wrong.
I may not even go there next week for their Thanksgiving tasting. Almost.
I am not crazy.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Where Do You Eat?

People who do not live in NY/NJ, where the hell do you go for breakfast if you do not have a diner? For that matter where do you go when you have the drunken munchies at 1 am if you do not have a diner?
Do you not partake in gravy fries, a cheese burger deluxe or a bacon, egg & cheese on a bagel?

We were eating breakfast at a diner yesterday morning (which stunk, the diners in SNJ suck) and I panicked. What if NH had no diners?
Where do you go for breakfast?

I was literally awake in the middle of the night wondering if NH also had dunkin donuts, home goods, super gap and chick fil a drive thrus.
It is not an accident that most of my concerns revolve around food.

Tell me what your favorite local places are to go an eat.

Go here for a great giveaway I have this week.
Wanna know how I am holding up without my husband?
Need last minute, low maintenance costume ideas?

Friday, October 24, 2008

The View Stole My Material

If anyone watched The View today you know that they stole my idea for STD greeting cards from my little old blog and talked about it on TV complete with their own poems. Do they think they can get away with this blatant copy write infringement?

It is a little known fact that Whoopie, Joy and the other one are huge fans of this little blog and read it every day.
Hi Joy! Keep kicking Elizabitch's ass, she is just a Survivor reject.
Whoopie- enough with the vests and tee shirts already. It is a terrible look. Perhaps even rethink those braids.
Other lady- The Earth is round. The end.

Really, they should have credited this blog for their 3-4 minutes of airtime they stole from me.
I forgive you ladies, just tithe me a portion of your paycheck and all will be forgiven.

Or maybe send me a muffin basket.

Alright, fine, at least click on my ads?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Notes For A Former Lover

Letting someone you slept with know that you inadvertently exposed them to your STD can be awkward.
I know you have been there.
Fear not, now there is an email service that lets you contact your past lovers electronically and let them know they have been exposed because you are a whore. You can even pick out the cute little graphic to go along with your note.
Common courtesy be damned, now just send and anonymous card!
Now why didn't I think of this?

It got me thinking that there really should be a Hallmark card for such an occasion, so I took the liberty of creating one:

Suddenly you have an itch
That is because I am a bitch
That night I slept with all your brothers
and we both know I do not like using rubbers

I feel horrible about your abnormal vaginal discharge
be careful that your penis does not enlarge
for that means you are in trouble
and your balls may begin to bubble

I am so sorry that your balls have bumps
but that's what you get when you mess with my humps
run to the free clinic asap
for the next step is burning when you pee

Please, feel free to use this next time you are in a jam and care enough to send the very best.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

He Likes It Rough

Police say a Michigan man has been arrested after "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash.

The Saginaw News reports the 29-year-old Swan Creek Township man was arrested Thursday in Saginaw County's Thomas Township, about 90 miles northwest of Detroit.

Police Sgt. Gary Breidinger says a resident called to report suspicious activity at the car wash about 6:45 a.m. An officer approached on foot and caught the man in the act.

Really? This poses many questions including but not limited to:
Did he not have a vacuum at home?
Was it not a powerful vacuum because he should have just bought a Dyson.
Why do we let men rule the world again?
men, please weigh in on this, are you always on the lookout for a new way to yanky your cranky?

Me thinks this was not a member of mensa.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Facebook Is The New Black

I feel like I am 16 again. I am obsessed, in the same way I was with the movie Weird Science, Chad Allen and waiting for boys to call me.
I am addicted. Just like how I am addicted to chapstick, shoes and waiting for boys to call me.

I heart facebook.
I love finding all my long lost friends from high school.
I even made a facebook page for my husband, who has no interest in it at all, but I want him to join in the fun. It amazes me he has virtually no list of people from his past he would like to be back in contact with or at the least, view pictures of and see if they got fat. Or bald!
Conform to all of the facebook addicts man!

I may weigh more than I did in high school but I did not go bald! Huge plus in my book.
So tell me I am not the only one addicted to finding old friends and lovers? Or at least just lie to me.

Thursday, October 16, 2008


I see him come up to my door from the office window and I freeze. "Don't do it! Don't do it!" I scream in my head.
"Don't ring the doorbell!"

UPS man don't you know that it took me forever to put the baby to sleep again this afternoon? His naps have been cut short by two tiny assholes. No, not the twins, two teeth that are cutting in on the top. Why do my kids have to teeth so early? I can never really enjoy the toothless grin of any of my babies. Four teeth at 7 months is a lot. Too many.
You have teeth Mr. UPS man, you don't want me to kick them out of your head do you?
Don't ring that doorbell because if he wakes up I will have to try and rock him back to sleep while he kicks me in the leg and cries in my ear.
Not today, I have had a rough two days, can't you just drop the boxes and run? If you do I will not call UPS and tell them that you are always on your cellphone and don't you know NJ has a cell phone ban and a ticket can run you $200? That is a lot of boxes to deliver, if you get what I mean.

He drops the boxes, arranges them neatly on my step (thank you) and runs back to his truck, his trusty cell phone in hand.
I unclench my jaw, butt and vagina (kegels ladies, use it or lose it).
Whew, dodged another bullet on that one.

Now why don't I just unplug the doorbell?

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Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Wordfilled Wednedsay

I have never done a wordless Wednesday post before but when you lack content to write about you go for it.
Unless you want to talk about my short visit with my friends yesterday. Or about how I am so paranoid that hair south of the border was grey instead of very blond, I am making time to shave him and all of his friends off even though these days I have to make an appointment to pee. Perhaps we should talk about how I have a cat pee smell in my family room but have no idea where it is coming from or how to get rid of it, because again, no idea about the origins.

I assume this post can no longer be counted as "wordless". Here is your obligatory picture anyway:

kissable baby cheeks

Monday, October 13, 2008

Weekend Update

I am glad that I am not the only parent that wants to beat up a child in defense of their own child. I am not above a elementary school smack down.
I wrote a note to L's teacher on Friday when L went to school. I didn't want to chance another bad school bus ride by the time I got to speak to the bus driver (the older kids are only on the bus home).
The guidance counselor took my kids out of class to speak to each of them, then spoke to the boys and then spoke to the whole bus. The don't fool around at that school and that rocks. The bus driver seemed a little peeved that I didn't go to her first, but she will get over it.
Lets hope this is the last I will hear of name calling or I will hire a bigger kid to beat up those rotten children.

I had a great weekend with my family, my sister and her boys and my mother spent the weekend with us so that E and I could go out on a date. Where do two married people go on a date? Why, Eastern State Penitentiary what else? This is the second time we went and it is such a scary, haunted attraction, we loved it. E seemed even more scared than I was.
I will not let him live that done any time soon, don't worry.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

I Hate Other People's Children

I will not forget the smallest member of our family K and I will post to him later this week.

I wanted to know your advice on several subjects. First, should I be worried that my son's teacher taught the class to remember the months of the year to the "macarena" complete with hip thrusts?

Secondly, my child, my sensitive little boy came off the bus in tears yesterday. He & R said that older boys were calling him "ugly" and "moron". Do I board the bus on Friday and WRING THEIR DIRTY LITTLE necks and perhaps threaten their lives beause I so fucking will or do I just write a note to his teacher telling her about it?
Who the fuck picks on a five year old?

I also have a giveaway going on right now, a parenting book that I think every parent should read. I have five to give away so comment away!

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

My Daughter

Dear R,

I wished for you. I wished for a daughter with all my might as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I was excited to dress you up, buy fancy hair accessories and shop with you for prom dresses. You are a sweet, dear girl who always makes me laugh. You are smart, you quickly figured out how to manipulate your twin brother. You are the boss of the family, you want to be first, you want to be the best you want to be admired and loved and adored.
And you are.

This worries me. You already are craving attention, the more you get the more you want. I want to take you buy the shoulders and yell "you are wonderful, you are gorgeous stop looking for these affirmations from others, find it in yourself!"
I want to recite to you all the mistakes I made as a young girl and save you from them. I want to wrap you in your blankie and keep you in my lap forever far away from rejection, boys and mean girls.

My dear R you are a little mother. The way you love your baby brother and take care of him, the way you delight over each new thing he does, lest me know you will be a great mother some day. I know you say you don't want a baby because "they hurt when they come out" (smart, smart girl) but I know you will. I hope you will have a daughter too and when you call to tell me how you want to wrap her in her blankie and save her away from the cruel, cruel world, I will smile and tell you that you will always will feel that way.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Seasons Change

Man, this change of seasons thing comes out of the blue to me every four months or so. You would think I would be more prepared, but no, I am not.
I have been busy trying to get out all the kids warmer clothes out and putting away their summer clothing. What will they fit in next year? What do I save and what do I give away?

The worst part is, poor baby K has virtually NO winter clothing. I have managed to find 5 long sleeve shirts, 1 sweater and a couple pairs of pants. I called my sister and put in orders to look through her children's clothing for clothing for him but I am not sure since her son was a summer baby and mine were born in winter. I couldn't have had a girl, I am drowning in girl clothing, nooo I had to have another boy.
I wish I had the money to go out and buy a new wardrobe for K, I would love to shop for bitty baby things, but E just started working again so money is still as tight as ever.
Let's hope my sister pulls through or else K will be one cold baby!

Monday, October 06, 2008

My Dear Sweet Oldest Child

Dear L,
When we found out that twin A was a boy, my heart skipped a beat. I didn't know how much I wanted a boy, a son, until that very moment. I looked up from the table I was lying on at your father and saw he as well had wanted a son. Perhaps he never knew as much either, but his tears told me all I needed to know.
You were a challenge as a baby, hard to get to sleep, never stayed asleep, you needed certain routines and if we strayed from them we paid for it. You were always a sweet boy. You needed me as much as I you.

You love your twin sister, you need her. She is your stabilizer, she is the sun to your Earth. I see now that you are five that you are breaking away from her, finding your own independence, scouring the universe for other suns.
This makes me proud because you are your own person now, a boy of five not only R's twin brother. It also makes me sad, bittersweet really, because I can't picture you out in the world by yourself trying to navigate its difficult terrain without your twin sister by your side.
But you must.

As I see you now getting on the bus every day for your first year of your school career, sitting next to your sister I am proud of who you are already. I can't wait to see who you will become on your own.
I know that the time for you to flourish is sooner rather than later, I know this because when the bus lets you off in front of our house, I see that you are staring into the sky perhaps looking for where this big world will take you next.
On that trip home R is not next to you on that seat for on the way home, you sit alone.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Week By Numbers

E comes home this afternoon and not a moment too soon. Let me run the week by numbers for you:

number of cats fed and water been made available to all week long- 2
number of toilets clogged by son, who is remarkably a lot like his father- 2
number of teachers I had to tell there is in fact NO baby girl in my belly due any day now despite what my daughter says-1
number of days this week I was a single parent-5
number of days I wanted to leave the kids and join the circus-1.5
number of pictures my kids have drawn for me in the past five days- 23984
number of pictures I have had to throw away under the cover of darkness- 23982
number of stress induced cold sores received- 1
number of hours left before I can drink myself into a coma-7

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Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Where Are Your Nuts From?

Do you care what country of origin your grapes or spinach are from? Do you check these labels and buy accordingly?
I think it is a great idea from the melamine in so many things from China to the tainted peppers from Mexico, bad food can happen anywhere, but now we can find out faster where the problem is coming from.

Can you tell I have nothing to write about today? The boredom of only having three children under the age of 5 to talk to every day is taking its toll. Friday afternoons can not come fast enough, I miss adult conversation. I miss my best friend. It really sucks.

Winners, I need your email addresses, I cannot find some of them on your blogs. So, email them to me or leave them in the comments.