Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Notes For A Former Lover

Letting someone you slept with know that you inadvertently exposed them to your STD can be awkward.
I know you have been there.
Fear not, now there is an email service that lets you contact your past lovers electronically and let them know they have been exposed because you are a whore. You can even pick out the cute little graphic to go along with your note.
Common courtesy be damned, now just send and anonymous card!
Now why didn't I think of this?

It got me thinking that there really should be a Hallmark card for such an occasion, so I took the liberty of creating one:

Suddenly you have an itch
That is because I am a bitch
That night I slept with all your brothers
and we both know I do not like using rubbers

I feel horrible about your abnormal vaginal discharge
be careful that your penis does not enlarge
for that means you are in trouble
and your balls may begin to bubble

I am so sorry that your balls have bumps
but that's what you get when you mess with my humps
run to the free clinic asap
for the next step is burning when you pee

Please, feel free to use this next time you are in a jam and care enough to send the very best.


  1. FIRST!
    ...and I really feel like you should go work for Hallmark. They say they have cards for all occassions? Pfft. You've discovered a new market for them and they should reward you richly. :)

  2. Bwa ha ha ha ha.
    That is just soooo wrong.

  3. Oh, what a time saver! Now instead of phoning up the (presumably multitudes of) people who may have been exposed to an STD, you can just send a handy little e-card to all of them with a couple of pleasant little mouse clicks. Yay!!

    That's really icky ...

  4. Hilarious! This should really be forwarded to Hallmark!


  5. Ladies, feel free to contact Hallmark on my behalf.

  6. Anonymous11:15 AM

    Dude, you have a gift. I see a bright future for you in the greeting card business.

  7. Great idea! Could come in handy on so many levels. I have been reading about Prop K in San Francisco. Maybe the prostitutes should have the johns leave their e-mail address so she can follow up with one of your notes if she needs to!

  8. Oh man I really am Laughing Outloud with that one!

  9. I think I'll send a few out to some people I work with just to watch how they react.

  10. I pretty much bow down before your Hallmarkian genius.

  11. Words escape me....

  12. You know what might be nice? Sending an antibiotic along with the card. That way, you kill two birds...or burns...with one stone.

  13. Vicki8:41 AM

    LMAO. I think that is hilarious but absolutely disgusting...ewww. That's one ecard no one wants to get...hehe.

    And uneasy many of your coworkers have you slept with???? That's kinda scary...
    Just kidding.

    Keep up the good writing. Now you have to come up with sorry I hit your dog cards or I think your sister's kid is mine

  14. Chris8:47 AM

    Too funny!! You have a gift!!

  15. I'm surprised SomeEcards doesn't have one for that very occasion! But then again, I've never looked. lol

  16. You have a talent for card writing! Thanks for the laugh :)

  17. I saw you entered to win a cool coffee maker, I did too :)

    I hope you don't mind but I wanted to tell you about my giveaway-FREE COFFEE...would go great with that new coffee maker!

    To celebrate the launching of my very own online coffee shop I am giving away 1 pound of coffee every Friday during October. To enter visit:

    To visit our website:


Talk to me