Thursday, October 16, 2008

UPS Man

I see him come up to my door from the office window and I freeze. "Don't do it! Don't do it!" I scream in my head.
"Don't ring the doorbell!"

UPS man don't you know that it took me forever to put the baby to sleep again this afternoon? His naps have been cut short by two tiny assholes. No, not the twins, two teeth that are cutting in on the top. Why do my kids have to teeth so early? I can never really enjoy the toothless grin of any of my babies. Four teeth at 7 months is a lot. Too many.
You have teeth Mr. UPS man, you don't want me to kick them out of your head do you?
Don't ring that doorbell because if he wakes up I will have to try and rock him back to sleep while he kicks me in the leg and cries in my ear.
Not today, I have had a rough two days, can't you just drop the boxes and run? If you do I will not call UPS and tell them that you are always on your cellphone and don't you know NJ has a cell phone ban and a ticket can run you $200? That is a lot of boxes to deliver, if you get what I mean.

He drops the boxes, arranges them neatly on my step (thank you) and runs back to his truck, his trusty cell phone in hand.
I unclench my jaw, butt and vagina (kegels ladies, use it or lose it).
Whew, dodged another bullet on that one.

Now why don't I just unplug the doorbell?

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18 comments:

  1. I love it! i had someone weed wacking right outside my twins bedrooms early. Really? Do you have to do it right now :) Atleast our neighborhood looks good I guess!

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  2. I understand your panic.

    whadja get? gonna share?

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  3. For at least the first year of the Mini's life, I had a very lengthy sign that basically had the hidden message in it, "if you ring the doorbell, I will fucking kill you." Even my friends were afraid to ring the bell. But we get so many solicitors, that I was at the end of my rope.

    I've now just shortened it to "no solicitors." Which doesn't really prevent the UPS man from ringing the bell, but that doesn't wake him up unless the dogs are upstairs with me, instead of downstairs at "work" with the hubs.

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  4. Get this pronto

    http://www.onestepahead.com/product/osa/423757.html

    I'm serious. It was a LIFE saver for us!

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  5. I think I love you.

    UPS, Vagina and butt all in one post without being contrived.

    You are the perfect blogger

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  6. I duct taped a plastic block over our doorbell so people had to knock...hehe. It worked pretty well until some idiot pulled it off just so he could ring the doorbell. Needless to say that salesman didn't come back to my house no more...

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  7. My neighbours have a "DO NOT RING" sign taped overtop of their doorbell. I think it's worked for them.

    My baby wakes up when the phone rings. So I totally hate the phone.

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  8. khadra I got three pairs of see kai run shoes that I will be giving away here: www.reviewingbabygear.com later this month! Fun!

    cpa mom- no longer available!

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  9. Thanks for the prayers. We need all we can get right now as we're all pretty heart sick. Thank you.

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  10. I'm afraid I didn't use it. I may already have lost it. Sigh. So strange! I say the same silent prayer through clenched teeth when the UPS man comes around. I haven't done keigels though. That's maybe why I lost it.

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  11. You have an award over at my place.
    www.thepost-itplace.com

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  12. I haven't had to deal with that in awhile but last month when the season premier of House came on some crazy guys from the gas company showed up at my door wanting to talk. I'm like, "Dude, I'm on electricity and House just started," and they're all, "Whoa, sorry dude, isn't it the first show tonight?" I killed them both and went back to the tv.

    Totally not the same, but I remember going through it.

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  13. We did the 'do not ring doorbell, please' sign when the boys were babies. My first child is a super light sleeper, but my second one could (and still can) sleep through anything, and for that I'm grateful. Heck, even when nobody's sleeping, I don't want the UPS man ringing the bell!

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  14. I didnt really expect you would tell me LOL!

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  15. USE IT OR LOSE IT! Ha ha. I love how you just casually tossed that in there.

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  16. Oh that really chaps my hide too. I live in a new construction area where homes are being built all over the place. Drives me crazy.

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  17. I used to have a sign near the doorbell when mine were babies that said "ring doorbell at risk of injury to yourself...babies sleeping. love, tired mommy"

    Yeah, they still rang the damn doorbell.

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  18. Hi...just stumbled upon your blog. Been reading and wanted to say that I have twins who are now 10 and they have a brother who is 20 months older. (I was on more meds to get the sigleton, go figure.) Anyway, when the twins were 15 months old, my husband's company fell apart. No insurance, no money, no nothing. After a few months of us trying to get by on side jobs, he took a job 3 states away, came home twice a month for a weekend. It was hell at times. We had no money for preschool and no family within 10 hours. But, that was years ago and we are stronger than ever. Things turned around. Hang in there!

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