Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween

I have always liked Halloween. What is there not to like you get to dress up walk around after dark and get candy from strangers. Talk about fun for a kid.

What I like most about it is that you can be someone else for a day. You can be something you want to be when you grow up, someone scary, someone you admire, someone who is the opposite of who you are.
I have been thinking about moving a lot lately, I am not one for change, I like familiarity, I like comfort, I like knowing what is where and that my stuff is always where it is supposed to be.

When I was 18, I thought I knew it all. I knew exactly how my life was going to go, I had the world by the balls and I was reveling in it. I didn't take my parent's advice about staying home my first semester and going to Seton Hall college, a great school, then maybe moving onto campus if I wanted to.
No. I wanted to go away, I wanted to go and test my independence. I was scared but invigorated at the same time. It was the most exciting time of my life.
I decided to go to Ohio State.

I hated it.
I hated every single minute of it. I hated that I wanted my mom, my family, my bed. I couldn't hack it by myself. Everyone who went to Ohio State lived in Ohio. I didn't feel like I fit in, even in the largest college in America.
I hated that I boarded a plane with my father that late, stormy night to come home. Who was this person I had become? What a weak, chicken-shit girl.
I couldn'a hack it, I had failed my family and worse yet, I had failed myself.
To this day it is my biggest regret.


Now I face the same fears again. Could I do it this time? Can I leave everything behind for a new home?
I don't know that I can. I can't promise I won't want my mom, or my house or my family.

What I do know is that I will try. I will make every day Halloween and reinvent myself. This is the chance to erase my faults, the little things you wish you could change about yourself. It is the chance to shed my skin and make myself a more brilliant color.
I will meet new people who do not know my weaknesses or history, I can be whomever I want to be.
That makes me happy.
Today I will celebrate what I am scared of and who I will become, not for just one day but forever.

9 comments:

  1. Happy Halloween :)

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  2. Vicki6:51 AM

    Be whatever beautiful color you want to be because no matter the color I know you will shine.

    Happy Halloween, now and forever.

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  3. You can do it! Enjoy and embrace the changes.

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  4. Great post and I personally find it hard to believe you won't take the new town by storm!!

    Happy Halloween Tuesday!!!

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  5. Thank you for SUCH a good reminder ... I can be whatever I want to be now. Let's kick ass together in our new towns :)

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  6. I bet you're going to do well in whatever you do, wherever you do it. You've got a whole new perspective on what things can be and how to tackle it.

    Happy Halloween!

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  7. OK, first, I would be really worried if you went to any school in Ohio and thought you fit right in. I mean, it's freakin' OHIO. So don't let your first experience away from home as an 18 year-old bimbette taint your expectations for what NH might be like. Sure, if you're used to having family around, that will probably be your single biggest adjustment. But you can - and will - adjust. Meanwhile, you need to focus on making the most of the NH opportunity. If you go there expecting it to suck the whole time, then it probably will. Try to keep an open mind and give yourself, your kids, and your husband a fair shot at reestablishing your lives there.

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  8. I just wanted to let you know that I started my new blog. I hope you had a wonderful Halloween.

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  9. Hello, I found you through Kelly in NC. What an inspiring post. I am going through sort of the same thing. I need new friends in my life who do not know my past and judge you for those mistakes you had made at one time. They are not who I am today but somehow they haunt me. I wish you the best with this and I am sure you will succeed.

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