Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Reality TV Heaven

This time of year is just not the time to start getting picky with your television habits. This is when the real you breaks out. You start watching shit you make fun of with other people in mixed company.
You are a closeted mid level reality show watcher. Admit it.

I love the Hills, The Real World, Real Housewives of wherever, documentaries of any kind. I have so much free (read bored/alone/desperate for company of any kind) time that I even started watching Entourage On Demand. Winter gives you the chance to watch whatever everyone is talking about.

Mommas Boys though? O M G.
This show takes it up a notch. The Moms live with the prospective girlfriends and get the real dirt, it is a mother in law's dream. One girl upon hearing that the moms have a file on every girl's background broke down and I quote " I think I posed for playboy, you can see it on the Internet. You can see me naked but you can't see my heart".
Girl, who cares about you heart, everyone is looking at your vagina.

Forget The Bachelor or Rock of Love, this is where it is at.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Now Back To the Show

Christmas was as good as you can get being an adult here in the Tuesday Girl household.
The kids were spoiled as usual by Santa and our family. E bought me a GPS so you hear from me again once we move to NH, because have you ever visited NH? Every road is a back road and what is so wrong with street lights so you can....I don't know, see?
Now I have no excuse to make E drive me everywhere I need to go.
All I have is holding him to the promise he will fill my gas tank for me when ever I need it so I don't have to pump my own gas.
Once was enough. (Hence my purchase of a tee shirt that reads "Jersey Girls don't pump gas")

Christmas day with both sides of the family here was even more chaotic then usual but it was our last one hosting so it still was good. sometimes too much family at once can be challenging. You know what I am talking about.

I spent all day on Tuesday baking cinnamon rolls for my neighbors, chocolate covered pretzels with the kids and knitting some ornaments for our tree. I was a homemaking fool.
I felt like Martha Stewart, only poor.

Now I am back to the grind of being alone all week, trying to plan the twin's birthday party, trying to find movers who will accept anything but 4 months salary as payment, getting dental work done for me and checkup for the kids before we move and not losing my mind.

I must be on the verge because I accepted an invitation for a playdate for the kids. Hold me.
Sure, when I am ready to move I find friends.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Our Hearts Were Singing, It Must Be Christmastime

In these frozen and silent nights
Sometimes in a dream you appear
Outside under the purple sky
Diamonds in the snow sparkle
Our hearts were singing
It felt like christmastime

2000 miles
Is very far through the snow
I'll think of you
Wherever you go

I hope you have a very Merry Christmas with whoever you are with, and remember to tell the ones you can't be with just what they mean to you.
It is the best gift you can give, I promise.

Thursday, December 18, 2008


Although I am sometimes guilty of doing the same, don't ask me what to get me for Christmas. If I have to struggle to find you the right gift, asking questions, snooping around, scouring the Internets, then so should you.
We should all suffer this time of year.

Me telling you that I want a bottle of perfume then getting a small rectangle box on Christmas only to open it and find out it is the perfume you knew you were getting, is anti-climactic.

Of course some people have to tell the people in their lives (cough:husbands:cough) exactly what to get to avoid getting a shower curtain liner or slippers.

I have enough trouble finding gift ideas for my husband, kids and mother without having to think of something to get me and let you know. How about I tell you what I would like or need without giving you specific gifts complete with SKU numbers and price comparison lists?

Next time you ask me my answer will be " 1 million dollars, cash, small bills please".

this post is not supposed to be serious, any gift I am given is appreciated especially cash. :)
Also can you go over to my other site and tell me what Santa does in your house?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

And The Days Go Marching By

I feel like my wheels keep turning but I get nowhere. I am busy with gift buying, birthday parties, packing, the kids and managing the house. My mother has been here since Saturday and that allowed me to get a lot done, but I feel like my to do list continues to grow.

We decided to move to NH in February even if our house isn't sold because it is just too much for me to be here alone with the kids. Eric is lonely and how often can he drive back and forth from NJ to NH every week? It gets old fast.
We will stay for the twin's birthday in January and then we will leave.
I am actually excited. I just want to be there, I hate being in limbo.

The days pass so fast. I think time moves faster after you become a parent because you can see time passing on their faces every single day.
I simply cannot believe my baby will be nine months in two days. In some ways it feels like he has been here forever and other ways I feel like I just gave birth to him.
He crawled for the first time on Sunday and I wanted to scoop him up and put him in a bottle and never let him get older. This is such an exciting and perfect age.
My twins will be six and they are such great, funny children. The enjoyment of being a mom never gets old.

My father would have been 58 yesterday and I can't believe he will be done five years this February. I still miss him so very much and although I have finally stopped picking up the phone to call him when I have exciting news or a decision to make only to remember he is not here, I still think of him every day.

I am loving this time of year with my family and I hope you hug your loved ones a little tighter this year. Tell someone what they mean to you, that is much more important and valued than a gift.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Boom Chicka Boom Boom

I have written about my idea of suburban mom porn before.
There might be something as good, have you guys seen the Porn for Women series?
They are a series of books and calenders for women and page after page is hysterical captions of what women really want. Or sometimes want.
Or just want men to say so they can have a good laugh.

Whatever the case, they are having a caption contest:
Those who enter an original caption for one of our Porn for women images get a chance to win a bouquet of flowers from 800-Flowers.

1 lucky winner will be chosen every day during the month of December!
To enter,
click here.

I am having so much fun making up captions and thought you would like to try and win some flowers too.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Why I Need To Kick A Kindergartner's Ass

My friends you will have to wait one more week for my vlog, E and I just didn't have time this past weekend.

We are in the throws of the holidays here in the Tuesday Girl household. Thinking about gifts for teachers, bus drivers, wrapping, decorating, what to bake for the neighbors, cleaning and cooking has made my head spin.
My kids have not noticed, they are typical kids and are in heaven with our house decorated and all things Christmas. They spent the two days after we decorated the house running around from room to room looking at everything and ohh and ahh-ing.
The pure joy that this season gives to children is contagious, I find myself planning our baking with them and we are doing a easy embroidery project together.
So when R came home and told me what a girl in her class told me I was livid.

R: "Gianna told me that Santa was just make believe!" "Isn't she crazy?"

Thank goodness she thinks Gianna is crazy and I reinforced the crazy talk. I have no idea why you would tell a five year old that Santa is not real, but if you had your reasons why not tell her to keep her trap shut?
Does my kindergartner really have to learn that lesson? I thought I would have at least until 4th grade before I had to have that talk.

E has distinct memory of the one Jewish boy in all of New Hampshire telling him in second grade that Santa wasn't real. He still holds a grudge to this day.

I really have no idea how I found out Santa was not who I thought he was but I know I was in at least 5th or 6th grade before all the pieces started to come together, included but not limited to opening a gift clearly marked "FROM SANTA" and seeing a Toys R Us sticker on it.
How did you or your kids find out?

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Sunday, December 07, 2008

I Am A Giver

Yesterday while getting ready to leave the house with all kids and adults to attend holiday party at my Mom's house:

Me: Hey, E are you sure I shouldn't go change and put a tank top under this sweater? I am really showing a lot of cleavage. Plus I am not wearing a nursing bra for a change and my boobs are pushed ack where they are supposed to be. Wow, boobs belong a lot higher than I remember.

E: Nope. No tank top.
No way.
It looks great. Did I say no?

Me: but when I bend down you get a shot of, well, everything.

E: yes!
I mean, no, you just see enough and that is enough.
It is good. Perfect!
Did I say how good it was?

My son L: Mom? I think people are going to laugh at you.

Me: why?

L: because you can see your breasts and I think people will see you and laugh and I don't want that to happen.

E: No! Nobody will laugh at Mommy! Ha!
You are really cock-blocking me son, I want to stare at breasts all night and you, my sweet son, are ruining everything. Have you forgotten I live out of state 4-5 days a week?
I gotta take boob action while I got it.
Ha! This kid is such a jokester. You are so funny!

I am sure I flashed many a person at the party last night but what the hell. It is the season to give. If you were lucky enough to sneak a peak at my boobs last night.
Consider that your Christmas gift.

You are welcome.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Perhaps Living In A More Rural Location May Be a Nice Change

Lady who parked in the "customer with small child parking" spot-
Apparently you cannot read or have no grasp of the written language, the spot you parked in is for people with small children. There is even a picture on the sign of a stick baby in a cart. That should have given you a hint.
You are about 101 years old but miraculously you had what appeared to be your mother in the car with you. She looked to be 200 years of age. I felt bad for screaming at you in my head but then I caught a glimpse of your handicap sticker.
See the 7 empty handicap parking spots right in front of the entrance?
That is for you.
Leave these four measly spots for me and my pudgy baby.

Other lady parked in "customer with small child: parking space-
Stop being lazy this is for SMALL children not for you and your 8 year old. I had twins, I had to lug two small infants and my purse blocks only to have to have to put one in the back of a cart because you took these spots with your 8 year old and then took the only cart for two to ride in for your old child who walked along side you the whole way. I should have run you down with my cart while I had the chance.
You are a bitch.

Lady who has zero awareness about anyone other than herself,

You don't park your cart in the middle of the aisle in the most crowded store in NJ while you talk on the phoen and ignore me who is trying to get around you.
Newsflash: The world doesn't revolve around you.
Perhaps you went to the Tammy Faye Baker school of modeling, therefore very unaware of this fact but you don't put makeup around your lips, you put it ON your lips.
Unless the "freshly given a BJ" look was what you were going for.
My mistake.

Tuesday Girl

Monday, December 01, 2008

Long December

Why hello there.
How was your thanksgiving? Are you full of turkey?
I am not and I wish I had a leftover sandwich right now.

My mother in law's turkey was dry and stove top was the stuffing of choice. In my opinion Thanksgiving is the one day you have to take it up a notch and stove top was a disappointment.
I will live because Christmas is at our house and I will be cooking a turkey instead of my usual roast beef. Suckas.
It will be my last hosting of a holiday since I will now reside 4.5 hours from all of my family.

I was thrilled to have E home for more then 2.5 days. I had so many things on my to do list and I got most of them done, including a failed attempt at alone time at Barnes & Noble and a wasted trip to Target on black Friday.
More on that later.

The one thing I wanted to do that I did not get to was make a vlog. I am going to show you one of the most personal spaces in anyone's house- my bedside table. I have something very disturbing in my bed side table that I bet nobody else has and I want you to see it.
If you can guess what is in there, you will win my adoration, my disgust fro having such a strange mind and a gift from my house to yours.
Lucky for you the gift will NOT be from my bedside table.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving * Now With More Giveaways!

The fact that I am not blogging every day about how my in-laws are here and they are slowly killing me shows major personal growth.
Oh, that and the fact that they are staying with my sister-in-law. Seriously, them not being here 24/7 with my father in law in his shorty-short robe in the morning all lunging and sitting with his legs open and the Today Show blasting because he REFUSES TO WEAR HIS HEARING AID BECAUSE HE THINKS IT IS FOR RETARDED OLD PEOPLE is a help.
Newsflash: you are old. The retarded thing? I will leave that open for discussion.

Believe me it is a sight I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving filled with yummy desserts and gravy.
It is my favorite meal of the year. Eat and extra helping of pie for me and my thighs.

Because I love you I also have two great giveaways going on:

A very cool rice krispie treat making kit and tray and a portable activity center for babies which is super cool and makes a great gift!
Go over and commnt on my other blogs to win.

Monday, November 24, 2008

The Boy With The Blueberry Eyes

My baby,

How did you get to be eight months old? When did that happen?
You should not be the youngest child, you should have been the first. With your easy personality, your sweet smile and great temperament you should have been the first, who wouldn't want another baby if this is how they are like!
You love attention, you love to be held and if you are in your walker or jumpy seat and see me walk by you cry for me. So I scamper around you and turn the corners hugging the wall so you won't spy me and I can have my coffee in peace.

You love your sister and brother and they adore you. They never have been jealous or filled with anything other then love for you. You love watching their every move.
You love being outside, and are content to sit in your stroller for hours as long as we are outside.
You are an early teether like R & L. You already have seven teeth! You roll over, get up on your hands and knees and rock, sit up by yourself and army crawl to anything you want. And you my son, want it all.

You have tricks! You put your hands over your head when we ask how big you are, you shake your head no when we ask you if you want to go night night and yesterday you started clapping your hands when we ask you to! Of course I take most of the credit for your strength and intelligence, after all it was all the spinach and swedish fish I ate while you were in utero.

I love you. I love you so much that when I have been parenting alone for days at a time and you wake me in the night for the 3rd time, I am not mad, I am happy to see you again.
That is personal growth right there.

You are so handsome, a perfect baby if I do say so myself. You have hair! I didn't know I could grow babies with hair. Your brother and sister were bald until they were two. Your eyes are so clear blue the color of icicles at twilight. You are tall and heavy, heavy enough that I can't hold you without a sling or carrier for long periods.

I know rationally that you are my last baby, but I can't seem to bring myself to really know that. Your bassinet is not packed up yet, your infant clothes are all still in the closet. I cant think about packing them up for good. I can't yet say goodbye to that chapter in my life.

I adore you and can't wait to see the person you will become.

Friday, November 21, 2008

No Whammy, Baby!

Every person needs a mental health day once in awhile and I think that goes for kids too. I know my Mom looked the other way a couple of times when I wanted to stay home from school. Sometimes you just can't get out of bed, ya know?
The best part of a faux sick day or a holiday off from school is daytime TV.
Little House on the Prairie, I Love Lucy and The People's Court.
The best daytime TV?
Game shows!

Press Your Luck, Pictionary, Card Sharks and Match Game. I loved all the old hosts (and their hair) who made hosting a career. Beautiful woman, hosts shamelessly kissing female guests, cabled microphones and inevitably a good prize (cash!) and some bad ones too (I am looking at you Price is Right!) including but not limited to:
Hot tub, jet ski, snowmobile, a chandelier and any floor coverings.

Being a stay at home mom the thrill just isn't there to watch daytime TV, I guess it is the taste of it, the wiff of contestant desperation if you will, that kept me coming back for more. Now that I can have it anytime I want, I don't want it.
I like the forbidden.
And faking the sick days.

What were your favorite daytime television shows when you were a kid?

This post brought to you by Parent Bloggers and Olie Bollen where you can win a fabu arm chair holiday shopping spree just like the ones you see on TV!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Here Comes The Sun.....

Things that make me happy today:

Someone found my blog by searching: "old mom porn" (the best) and "Big New Jersey hair" (My favorite).

L told me his class plays "thumbs up 7up". I remember playing this in elementary school. You put your head down on your desk and your thumb up, if your thumb gets pressed down then you have to guess who did it. Some kids would be asses and slam your thumb down and that would hurt and other kids would try and cheat by looking at your shoes. There were dicks even in 5th grade.
Still, I loved that game.

I actually got out of the house yesterday even though it was freezing. Why, sweet lord, can't I find a winter hat for baby K that doesn't look like a jester, or is thin or is his size? Oh and Babies R Us, you are on my shit list since you wouldn't let me return something without my receipt. EVERYONE returns without a receipt there, because that ratio of baby gifts you get versus what you need is so very off.

I get to observe the kids kindergarten class for 45 minutes today. It stinks that I have to split my 45 minutes (couldn't they have made it a even 1 hour?) but I am excited to see them with the friends. My neighbor is watching K for me and I hope he is good for her since she is bringing her 13 month old granddaughter with her.

The sun is out. Don't you always feel better when the sun is shining? I could never live in Seattle, the sun is much to important to my mental health.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

I have been having a hard time writing these days. My creative juices are just not flowing. I feel myself spiraling into a depression phase.
I never thought it would take this long to sell our house. I know it is a tough time to sell anything but our house is sweet! all new appliances! great schools and close to shopping and restaurants!

Being without E for this long has taken his toll on me. He is my ying, he calms me down and talks me off the ledges I perched myself on from time to time. He is my co-parent.
I can tell I am getting depressed because I just realized I don't know when the last time I left the house with the kids. I will bunker myself in my home. After my father died there would be weeks that went by when I didn't leave the house.
After all, I have no reason to leave, I have no friends here. No one to hold me accountable. It seems like so much trouble to leave the house, the effort seems just too much.

You know it is bad because I am looking forward to my in-laws coming this Friday AND I wish they were staying with us so they can wake up with the baby in the night.
Someone send help, I must be delirious.

Monday, November 17, 2008

I Love My Visitors

I have been getting some interesting searches ending up at my blog. I can't complain, I love visitors no matter how they get here. I thought I would share though, everyone deserves a laugh on a Monday.

if it is the 16 November how many days until christmas- Can you yourself not do this simple math? Do you not remember the days of the month song from elementary school? Also, do you not own a calendar? This is most troublesome.

girl banana- I am always trying to find out what the difference between a girl banana and a boy banana. They both taste the same to me.

i am a girl and i love porn- Join the club. What do you want, a metal?

massage my boobs games - Here is how you play, massage my boobs and then my back, legs, arms, feet and hands. Give me a hairgasm. Now I will sleep. Game over- you won.

the child arrived the other day- Luuuucky. My child has been back ordered and I am not sure when it will arrive. I hope before Christmas!

The people who are searching the Internets with these search terms deserve the quality blog that I put out here.

Thursday, November 13, 2008


I am really excited about Blogher next year. I wish it was on the east coast, but I have never been to Chicago, so I will chalk that up to "cities I want to see before I die".
E promised me this year that I could go in 09 and he will be available to take care of the kids. I think I will take him up on that offer and up him a spa treatment or two and various nights out drinking.

I am going to scour the streets looking for Oprah, eat a roast beef dipped sandwich I saw on Food Network once and see if the city is indeed windy.

I picture BlogHer as a whole bunch of woman running around from room to room in their underwear with bottles of champagne flowing, bubble baths, everyone sharing chocolate and endless reruns of Housewives of Ocean County on TV. Or maybe I have been watching too much soft core porn.
In any event, I will be there with bells on and I want a kick ass roommate.
Tell me, are you planning on going?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

When You Gotta Go....You Gotta Go

Of all the things that I feared taking my three kids on a 5.5+ hour car trip, one was foremost on my mind: how will I go to the bathroom with three kids?
E took the stroller up before us to make room in my car for all the other junk I had to bring. I was going to carry the baby into a restaurant to use the bathroom and to eat. I could have put the baby in a sling, but how could I go to the bathroom with a baby in a sling or carrier?

Now before I go any further with this story I need to remind you that I am germ phobic. I NEVER use a public bathroom, only in an emergency. This trip I was lucky enough to have my period.
Now how the hell will I change my pad/tampon with the three kids in one stall and again, what am I going to do with the baby?
I decided to let R hold the baby, she is strong she carries her twin brother on her back, the baby is heavy but I can be swift!

There we go in the handicapped stall of Cracker Barrel in Connecticut. L goes to the bathroom first after I reminded him 12,243,978 times not to touch anything! I hung my purse and diaper bag on the hook and handed the baby to R.
I took down my pants and hovered and peed. It was evident I had my period and I told my kids to watch the baby, I mean really, what a way to scar your kids for life.
"So, you say your mom had her period when she went to the bathroom in Connecticut that time on a trip? You repressed it all this time and now you want to kill yourself because you can't get the vision out of your brain?" his therapist asks L in 20 years.

I did my business quick, I was like the wind. I hudled, I peed I wiped, I wiped again, new pad on, urine out and I was ready to go. I turned to check I had not peed on the toilet and I did a quick wipe down. My son was staring at me. "Eeewwww" he said as he stook a step closer to look into the toilet.
My daughter was turning red from holding half of her weight in the baby so I scooped him up and off we went.
I chalk it up to things you have to do when you are in a jam.
I wonder if that one moment will haunt them for years to come.

Monday, November 10, 2008

We Survived!

I am alive. I can barely believe I am saying this but the trip went well.
I survived the kids survived and I am here to tell you about it, that exceeded all my expectations.

We drove up on Thursday and it was raining which I thought was going to slow me down but it really didn't, I made good time. I borrowed E's uncle's navigation system which I will now need one of my own because I could not have made the trip without it. We stopped once to eat and go to the bathroom and one more time so I can pump gas!
I did it, I referred to the detailed instructions E left me and it was easier than I thought. Although I don't know why anyone thinks that doing it yourself is better, who wants to get out in the cold/snow/rain/heat to pump gas. The nice little man comes up to my warm/dry/cool car to do it for me and I never have to wait.

New Hampshire is just like NJ but more......rural. Much more rural than I am used to. I will have to adapt to things like driving for more than 1 minute to get to a convenience store or Target, we have a septic system which I didn't even know still existed and oil heat which I don't even want to know how much costs to fill up the tank.
E has some family there and they are all so nice and welcoming, it feels good. My kids got along with his cousin's children so well that L was crying when we got home, he missed his new friends.

The trip home was longer I hit some traffic in NY and NJ. I am tired, I am sad to leave E there and I just can't wait for us to be all together again, no matter where we live.
Today I have to unpack, do tons of laundry and pick out some paint colors for our new house.

Now if only someone buys my house, we will be in good shape.

I do apologize that this post is not peppered with "pumping" jokes and references. You can tell I am tired, you really deserve better.

edited to add: Who wants to room with me at Blogher in Chicago? I promise to:
a) not be pregnant
b) clean up after myself
c) get my drink on
d) show you my gas pumping skillz

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Loosing My Mind

I am a glutton for punishment. I told E I would visit him with the kids this weekend since the kids are off from school.
What did I get myself into? Five and a half hours PLUS a stop with three kids. BY MYSELF!

I wish you guys could come over and calm me down or come with me.
Road Trip!
I have to calm down enough to try and find my duffel bag. Oh and pack for three kids and myself plus bottles, toys, blankets, snacks, formula, toothbrushes and other crap.

Pray for my soul, will you?
I am off to go study my instructions on how to put gas in your car, BECAUSE I LIVE IN NJ THE HOME OF SELF SERVICE GASOLINE, LIKE IT SHOULD BE EVERYWHERE.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Kiss Me I Voted

I am so excited for today. I have been waiting about 2 lo0ng years for this day and hopefully for my candidate to win. I have been one of the many, many unfortunate people who have felt personally how terribly this country has been run the last eight years. My husband lost his job, and with that: his insurance (I was 5 months pregnant) his life insurance, his car and computer.
We almost lost our home and would have if millions of other people were not in the same situation. We lost our savings.
Most of all we lost our hope.
Hope that we can work 50+ hours a week and have a little house in a little town with a couple of kids and be able take a vacation once a year and to be able to pay for college one day, to breathe.

Today I am going to vote for who I think can better fix the problems this country has gotten into and then build ourselves up better before we take care of other countries. I am going to vote for a world I think will be better for my kids and yours.
I am going to vote for hope that the American dream can still come true.

Then I am going to get my free coffee at Starbucks.

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Monday, November 03, 2008


Our Halloween was just what the kids wanted. Fun, dressing up like their favorite heroes and mucho candy.

The kids had a parade at school so E & I drove up to the school about 10 minutes before the parade. We were running a little late but the lines of cars up and down the nearby streets was ridiculous. We had to park several blocks away and had to run (I am SO out of shape) to get to the parade in time.
We made it just as our kids went by then went to stand by the ropes to see them sing a couple of Halloween songs. I have never in my life been so aggravated at grown ups. They were pushing and shoving E and I who were at the front of the ropes. This was not the Stones in concert people, we were staring at the back of 300 kid's heads. There really was nothing to see but that didn't stop people pushing into me with their kids, one lady who asked if her kid could sit at our feet, then sat ON our feet with her kid!
We finally left early because there was nothing else to see, but man that made me want to get out of Jersey. People are just so self important here and so rude.

The most important thing was that Sleeping Beauty, Bat Man and a monkey (with five teeth now!)had a great day.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween

I have always liked Halloween. What is there not to like you get to dress up walk around after dark and get candy from strangers. Talk about fun for a kid.

What I like most about it is that you can be someone else for a day. You can be something you want to be when you grow up, someone scary, someone you admire, someone who is the opposite of who you are.
I have been thinking about moving a lot lately, I am not one for change, I like familiarity, I like comfort, I like knowing what is where and that my stuff is always where it is supposed to be.

When I was 18, I thought I knew it all. I knew exactly how my life was going to go, I had the world by the balls and I was reveling in it. I didn't take my parent's advice about staying home my first semester and going to Seton Hall college, a great school, then maybe moving onto campus if I wanted to.
No. I wanted to go away, I wanted to go and test my independence. I was scared but invigorated at the same time. It was the most exciting time of my life.
I decided to go to Ohio State.

I hated it.
I hated every single minute of it. I hated that I wanted my mom, my family, my bed. I couldn't hack it by myself. Everyone who went to Ohio State lived in Ohio. I didn't feel like I fit in, even in the largest college in America.
I hated that I boarded a plane with my father that late, stormy night to come home. Who was this person I had become? What a weak, chicken-shit girl.
I couldn'a hack it, I had failed my family and worse yet, I had failed myself.
To this day it is my biggest regret.

Now I face the same fears again. Could I do it this time? Can I leave everything behind for a new home?
I don't know that I can. I can't promise I won't want my mom, or my house or my family.

What I do know is that I will try. I will make every day Halloween and reinvent myself. This is the chance to erase my faults, the little things you wish you could change about yourself. It is the chance to shed my skin and make myself a more brilliant color.
I will meet new people who do not know my weaknesses or history, I can be whomever I want to be.
That makes me happy.
Today I will celebrate what I am scared of and who I will become, not for just one day but forever.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Giveaways In Replace Of A Real Post

I am getting a little bit sick of this single parent thing M-F. I am tired. And cranky. I am hating Halloween this year because I feel so unprepared.
While I try and get Batman, Sleeping Beauty and the cutest monkey you ever did see ready for tomorrow, you will have to excuse this sorry excuse for a post.

I have a Lands' End Diaper Bag giveaway going on and a cool Baby Name Book giveaway.
That should appease you because you don't really need more candy do you?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Whole Foods Did Me Wrong

I am seriously thinking of doing a Vlog but I have no idea what to talk about. I can barely find anything to write about these days with my brain wrapped around moving, selling this house, raising kids and making sure nobody in this house dies on my watch including 1 house plant and 2 cats.

I took all three of my kids out in the freezing cold weather and terrible wind and rain to go to their scheduled baking class at Whole Foods. I get there and they told me it was cancelled and they "tried" to call everyone.
Try harder asshole, I was having a shitty day that just got much shittier now that I have three cold and wet kids. They didn't even apologize!
Very un-Whole Foods like.

I am even more pissed because I bought a $8 pot pie from them and it was delicious. Pissed that I love WF but they treated me so wrong.
I may not even go there next week for their Thanksgiving tasting. Almost.
I am not crazy.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Where Do You Eat?

People who do not live in NY/NJ, where the hell do you go for breakfast if you do not have a diner? For that matter where do you go when you have the drunken munchies at 1 am if you do not have a diner?
Do you not partake in gravy fries, a cheese burger deluxe or a bacon, egg & cheese on a bagel?

We were eating breakfast at a diner yesterday morning (which stunk, the diners in SNJ suck) and I panicked. What if NH had no diners?
Where do you go for breakfast?

I was literally awake in the middle of the night wondering if NH also had dunkin donuts, home goods, super gap and chick fil a drive thrus.
It is not an accident that most of my concerns revolve around food.

Tell me what your favorite local places are to go an eat.

Go here for a great giveaway I have this week.
Wanna know how I am holding up without my husband?
Need last minute, low maintenance costume ideas?

Friday, October 24, 2008

The View Stole My Material

If anyone watched The View today you know that they stole my idea for STD greeting cards from my little old blog and talked about it on TV complete with their own poems. Do they think they can get away with this blatant copy write infringement?

It is a little known fact that Whoopie, Joy and the other one are huge fans of this little blog and read it every day.
Hi Joy! Keep kicking Elizabitch's ass, she is just a Survivor reject.
Whoopie- enough with the vests and tee shirts already. It is a terrible look. Perhaps even rethink those braids.
Other lady- The Earth is round. The end.

Really, they should have credited this blog for their 3-4 minutes of airtime they stole from me.
I forgive you ladies, just tithe me a portion of your paycheck and all will be forgiven.

Or maybe send me a muffin basket.

Alright, fine, at least click on my ads?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Notes For A Former Lover

Letting someone you slept with know that you inadvertently exposed them to your STD can be awkward.
I know you have been there.
Fear not, now there is an email service that lets you contact your past lovers electronically and let them know they have been exposed because you are a whore. You can even pick out the cute little graphic to go along with your note.
Common courtesy be damned, now just send and anonymous card!
Now why didn't I think of this?

It got me thinking that there really should be a Hallmark card for such an occasion, so I took the liberty of creating one:

Suddenly you have an itch
That is because I am a bitch
That night I slept with all your brothers
and we both know I do not like using rubbers

I feel horrible about your abnormal vaginal discharge
be careful that your penis does not enlarge
for that means you are in trouble
and your balls may begin to bubble

I am so sorry that your balls have bumps
but that's what you get when you mess with my humps
run to the free clinic asap
for the next step is burning when you pee

Please, feel free to use this next time you are in a jam and care enough to send the very best.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

He Likes It Rough

Police say a Michigan man has been arrested after "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash.

The Saginaw News reports the 29-year-old Swan Creek Township man was arrested Thursday in Saginaw County's Thomas Township, about 90 miles northwest of Detroit.

Police Sgt. Gary Breidinger says a resident called to report suspicious activity at the car wash about 6:45 a.m. An officer approached on foot and caught the man in the act.

Really? This poses many questions including but not limited to:
Did he not have a vacuum at home?
Was it not a powerful vacuum because he should have just bought a Dyson.
Why do we let men rule the world again?
men, please weigh in on this, are you always on the lookout for a new way to yanky your cranky?

Me thinks this was not a member of mensa.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Facebook Is The New Black

I feel like I am 16 again. I am obsessed, in the same way I was with the movie Weird Science, Chad Allen and waiting for boys to call me.
I am addicted. Just like how I am addicted to chapstick, shoes and waiting for boys to call me.

I heart facebook.
I love finding all my long lost friends from high school.
I even made a facebook page for my husband, who has no interest in it at all, but I want him to join in the fun. It amazes me he has virtually no list of people from his past he would like to be back in contact with or at the least, view pictures of and see if they got fat. Or bald!
Conform to all of the facebook addicts man!

I may weigh more than I did in high school but I did not go bald! Huge plus in my book.
So tell me I am not the only one addicted to finding old friends and lovers? Or at least just lie to me.

Thursday, October 16, 2008


I see him come up to my door from the office window and I freeze. "Don't do it! Don't do it!" I scream in my head.
"Don't ring the doorbell!"

UPS man don't you know that it took me forever to put the baby to sleep again this afternoon? His naps have been cut short by two tiny assholes. No, not the twins, two teeth that are cutting in on the top. Why do my kids have to teeth so early? I can never really enjoy the toothless grin of any of my babies. Four teeth at 7 months is a lot. Too many.
You have teeth Mr. UPS man, you don't want me to kick them out of your head do you?
Don't ring that doorbell because if he wakes up I will have to try and rock him back to sleep while he kicks me in the leg and cries in my ear.
Not today, I have had a rough two days, can't you just drop the boxes and run? If you do I will not call UPS and tell them that you are always on your cellphone and don't you know NJ has a cell phone ban and a ticket can run you $200? That is a lot of boxes to deliver, if you get what I mean.

He drops the boxes, arranges them neatly on my step (thank you) and runs back to his truck, his trusty cell phone in hand.
I unclench my jaw, butt and vagina (kegels ladies, use it or lose it).
Whew, dodged another bullet on that one.

Now why don't I just unplug the doorbell?

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Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Wordfilled Wednedsay

I have never done a wordless Wednesday post before but when you lack content to write about you go for it.
Unless you want to talk about my short visit with my friends yesterday. Or about how I am so paranoid that hair south of the border was grey instead of very blond, I am making time to shave him and all of his friends off even though these days I have to make an appointment to pee. Perhaps we should talk about how I have a cat pee smell in my family room but have no idea where it is coming from or how to get rid of it, because again, no idea about the origins.

I assume this post can no longer be counted as "wordless". Here is your obligatory picture anyway:

kissable baby cheeks

Monday, October 13, 2008

Weekend Update

I am glad that I am not the only parent that wants to beat up a child in defense of their own child. I am not above a elementary school smack down.
I wrote a note to L's teacher on Friday when L went to school. I didn't want to chance another bad school bus ride by the time I got to speak to the bus driver (the older kids are only on the bus home).
The guidance counselor took my kids out of class to speak to each of them, then spoke to the boys and then spoke to the whole bus. The don't fool around at that school and that rocks. The bus driver seemed a little peeved that I didn't go to her first, but she will get over it.
Lets hope this is the last I will hear of name calling or I will hire a bigger kid to beat up those rotten children.

I had a great weekend with my family, my sister and her boys and my mother spent the weekend with us so that E and I could go out on a date. Where do two married people go on a date? Why, Eastern State Penitentiary what else? This is the second time we went and it is such a scary, haunted attraction, we loved it. E seemed even more scared than I was.
I will not let him live that done any time soon, don't worry.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

I Hate Other People's Children

I will not forget the smallest member of our family K and I will post to him later this week.

I wanted to know your advice on several subjects. First, should I be worried that my son's teacher taught the class to remember the months of the year to the "macarena" complete with hip thrusts?

Secondly, my child, my sensitive little boy came off the bus in tears yesterday. He & R said that older boys were calling him "ugly" and "moron". Do I board the bus on Friday and WRING THEIR DIRTY LITTLE necks and perhaps threaten their lives beause I so fucking will or do I just write a note to his teacher telling her about it?
Who the fuck picks on a five year old?

I also have a giveaway going on right now, a parenting book that I think every parent should read. I have five to give away so comment away!

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

My Daughter

Dear R,

I wished for you. I wished for a daughter with all my might as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I was excited to dress you up, buy fancy hair accessories and shop with you for prom dresses. You are a sweet, dear girl who always makes me laugh. You are smart, you quickly figured out how to manipulate your twin brother. You are the boss of the family, you want to be first, you want to be the best you want to be admired and loved and adored.
And you are.

This worries me. You already are craving attention, the more you get the more you want. I want to take you buy the shoulders and yell "you are wonderful, you are gorgeous stop looking for these affirmations from others, find it in yourself!"
I want to recite to you all the mistakes I made as a young girl and save you from them. I want to wrap you in your blankie and keep you in my lap forever far away from rejection, boys and mean girls.

My dear R you are a little mother. The way you love your baby brother and take care of him, the way you delight over each new thing he does, lest me know you will be a great mother some day. I know you say you don't want a baby because "they hurt when they come out" (smart, smart girl) but I know you will. I hope you will have a daughter too and when you call to tell me how you want to wrap her in her blankie and save her away from the cruel, cruel world, I will smile and tell you that you will always will feel that way.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Seasons Change

Man, this change of seasons thing comes out of the blue to me every four months or so. You would think I would be more prepared, but no, I am not.
I have been busy trying to get out all the kids warmer clothes out and putting away their summer clothing. What will they fit in next year? What do I save and what do I give away?

The worst part is, poor baby K has virtually NO winter clothing. I have managed to find 5 long sleeve shirts, 1 sweater and a couple pairs of pants. I called my sister and put in orders to look through her children's clothing for clothing for him but I am not sure since her son was a summer baby and mine were born in winter. I couldn't have had a girl, I am drowning in girl clothing, nooo I had to have another boy.
I wish I had the money to go out and buy a new wardrobe for K, I would love to shop for bitty baby things, but E just started working again so money is still as tight as ever.
Let's hope my sister pulls through or else K will be one cold baby!

Monday, October 06, 2008

My Dear Sweet Oldest Child

Dear L,
When we found out that twin A was a boy, my heart skipped a beat. I didn't know how much I wanted a boy, a son, until that very moment. I looked up from the table I was lying on at your father and saw he as well had wanted a son. Perhaps he never knew as much either, but his tears told me all I needed to know.
You were a challenge as a baby, hard to get to sleep, never stayed asleep, you needed certain routines and if we strayed from them we paid for it. You were always a sweet boy. You needed me as much as I you.

You love your twin sister, you need her. She is your stabilizer, she is the sun to your Earth. I see now that you are five that you are breaking away from her, finding your own independence, scouring the universe for other suns.
This makes me proud because you are your own person now, a boy of five not only R's twin brother. It also makes me sad, bittersweet really, because I can't picture you out in the world by yourself trying to navigate its difficult terrain without your twin sister by your side.
But you must.

As I see you now getting on the bus every day for your first year of your school career, sitting next to your sister I am proud of who you are already. I can't wait to see who you will become on your own.
I know that the time for you to flourish is sooner rather than later, I know this because when the bus lets you off in front of our house, I see that you are staring into the sky perhaps looking for where this big world will take you next.
On that trip home R is not next to you on that seat for on the way home, you sit alone.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Week By Numbers

E comes home this afternoon and not a moment too soon. Let me run the week by numbers for you:

number of cats fed and water been made available to all week long- 2
number of toilets clogged by son, who is remarkably a lot like his father- 2
number of teachers I had to tell there is in fact NO baby girl in my belly due any day now despite what my daughter says-1
number of days this week I was a single parent-5
number of days I wanted to leave the kids and join the circus-1.5
number of pictures my kids have drawn for me in the past five days- 23984
number of pictures I have had to throw away under the cover of darkness- 23982
number of stress induced cold sores received- 1
number of hours left before I can drink myself into a coma-7

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Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Where Are Your Nuts From?

Do you care what country of origin your grapes or spinach are from? Do you check these labels and buy accordingly?
I think it is a great idea from the melamine in so many things from China to the tainted peppers from Mexico, bad food can happen anywhere, but now we can find out faster where the problem is coming from.

Can you tell I have nothing to write about today? The boredom of only having three children under the age of 5 to talk to every day is taking its toll. Friday afternoons can not come fast enough, I miss adult conversation. I miss my best friend. It really sucks.

Winners, I need your email addresses, I cannot find some of them on your blogs. So, email them to me or leave them in the comments.

Monday, September 29, 2008

How About A Swift Kick In The.........

I think it is correct in assuming at some point I am going to kick my realtor in the balls. Hard.
He seems 40% typical realtor 40% idiot and 20% loser.

Other people I want to kick in the balls in no particular order:
-George Bush
-Anyone who names their child after a movie character or a fruit/vegetable
-Tom Cruise
-Ryan Seacrest
-Clay Aiken's hair stylist
-The AAP
- My mailman (seriously who do you have to blow to get your mail before dinner time? Also wipe that puss of your face when you have to walk 20 feet to my door with a package. Dick)
-Julie Chen
-People who collect stuffed animals in the back window of their car

Who do you want to kick in the balls today?

I have 6 winners of a $5 GC to Coffee bean & Tea Leaf via random.org, comments #1,7,8,6,10,13. Congrats Heidi, Lyns, Swishy, Uneasy Rider, different kind of girl and bacioni.
I need you guys to email me your email addresses for the GC!

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Thursday, September 25, 2008

I Am Even Wearing My Big Girl Clothes

I love TV. Now that I have more than enough time on my hands because, you know, I am by myself all the livelong day, so I have amped up my television watching.
What? I should be packing or cleaning or feeding the cats*? Nah, the new 90210 is on!
I feel like I am 16 again only without the math homework. I am loving the new 90210 Gossip Girl and I am a little too excited for Grey's Anatomy tonight. Should I even admit to you guys how excited I was when I noticed Blair on the Gossip Girl had the same cell phone as I do? I am SO COOL!
Yes, I need to get out of the house.

Today I decided to go to Barnes & Noble to do some reading/coffee drinking/relaxing when the kids go off to school. This small step back into civilization is proving more daunting of a task because my sweet, dear E has taken the ONE garage door opener with him to NH. So now I have to back the car out with kids in it, get out, go into garage close it and out through side door, then repeat in reverse when I get home.
It sucks even more ass because big, chubby baby K weighs more than my car.
But! I will leave the house! If I am feeling really crazy I will make a second stop to pick up diapers and bread.

I really live on the wild side. Someone stop me.

*Last week while E was away I forgot to feed the cats. I also forgot to give them water. Yes I am a horrible Mom, but hey, at least I remembered to feed the kids!

Oh, and you can read about how I hate my kids clothing.

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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Free Coffee!

You guys are my peeps and I know you have my back. I am stressing about everything these days and you guys are keeping me sane. You guys and coffee are keeping me sane.
To say thank you for your support, and your comments and your love I want to reward you with the gift of caffeine.
The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf is celebrating its 45th anniversary this month and in honor of this milestone, they are giving away $5 dollar gift cards and I have SIX to give away to you crazy cats.
I am not lucky to have one of these near me and if you don't either, don't fear! You can buy some of their yummy sounding coffee or anything else they carry, online.

Just tell me what kind of caffeinated beverage is your favorite and I will draw six names to receive a $5.00 gift cards on Friday morning.

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Monday, September 22, 2008

Let Me Always Be With You

Today is my anniversary. Well, I do share it with my husband. Never in a million years would I have thought eight years ago as I was getting ready for our wedding that we would be here. I was twenty six, I thought all you needed to make a marriage work was love. I was naive.
We have had hard times. We moved twice, we had twins, we miscarried triplets, we had another baby, we lost my dad, we bought a house, we fell into terrible financial troubles, we lost faith in each other and gained it back plus some. Now we are preparing to leave our past and start a new beginning in another state.
Through it all we stood by each other, like we promised that we would do that first day of Autumn eight years ago.
I was confident that day I was marrying the right man.
I was right.

Happy Anniversary, baby. You are my lobster.

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Thursday, September 18, 2008

Mothers and Daughters

I am not my mother's favorite.
There, I said it.

That is okay, I have come to terms with it. That is not to say I haven't been hurt by it, killed by knowing my mother had favorites and I was not it.
Perhaps it started as just being my little sister's protector from me, who would do what older siblings do to a younger child. Or maybe it was just because she was my mother's last baby. She was a good mother, she is a good mother. She was just the opposite of my personality and we clashed at times.

My whole life my mother has had a way of tearing me down in one small sentence. She would tell me I couldn't wear something because it was for "skinny" girls. There was that time where she called me "loose" when she found that hickey on my neck when I was 17. The face she made when I told her to just hang the wet shirt in my closet to dry. Even a couple of months ago she told me that my car seat is too close to the steering wheel.
She will always take my husband's side if we disagree or even argue, I can't even vent to her my marital frustrations, because I am always the one wrong in any situation.
It leaves me wondering, even 34 years later, if I will ever be enough for her. When, if ever, will I measure up in her eyes?

Don't get me wrong, my mother and I had a very trying relationship when I was a teenager, but now it is what I would call a very good relationship. We talk almost every day, she is a good Grandmother to my children, she has gone out of her way to give us things we needed and do things for me. I know she loves me.
I know she loves me.

How can she cut me down with one look or sentence? I am a grown woman with her own daughter, should I want or need my mother's approval anymore? It makes me mad that I still do. I wish I could just do my thing and let little comments, or judgements roll off my back. I wish I did not need her as much as I do.

Most of all I hope I never tear my daughter down instead of building her up. I hope that I will never make her heart leap to her throat with one disapproving look.
I just hope that 34 years from now, when my daughter is grown and maybe even has kids of her own, she never has to write a post like this.

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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Tuesday Stinks More Than Monday

I wish I could write a new post about google searches that led people to my blog, but I just wrote one. The searches are getting crazier everyday. I know this because I am addicted to looking them up, essentially because I am dying of boredom here in NJ with nobody to talk to except three kids under the age of five.

I am also exhausted. Do you want to know just how tired I am? These are things I have done in the past three days:

-Cried because E told me how cold it is in NH already
-Got into the shower with my bra on and took minutes before I realized what was differnet about this particular shower
-Made coffee without putting any coffee in the coffee maker. Hot water, yeah!
-Ate cold spaghetti for breakfast yesterday because working the toaster seemed way too much effort.

I have bribed my children into being good tots today and not fighting amongst themselves with a trip to Chick-fil-a. It is kid's night so it is a trip for them, but it is mostly for me. I need a chicken sandwich asap and fill my IV with barbecue sauce stat!

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Saturday, September 13, 2008

A Finanacial Lesson Learned

My husband lost his job when I was five months pregnant with our third child. With a blink of an eye gone was our paychecks, his life insurance, car, computer, health insurance and everything else that came with that job.
Surely he would get another one fast, after all he was the lead salesman in his are with over 10+ year experience! He trained people! He rocked the sales world!

That was not the case.
Here we are ten months later when he has finally taken a job outside his industry, five hours away from where we live. We choose to believe this was a lesson, a stinky, long lesson about life and what really matters. Does money really matter? Yes and no. It is not important, health and family top that list, but you need it. We need to feed our kids, we need it to buy healthy food we need it to shelter and clothe us. People need money and they need iot for the now and they need it for the rainy days because there are always storms ahead of us.

My children do not know any details of what happened to my husband's job or how close we came to losing just about everything we had.
They are too young to know those truths, but when they are older we will tell them "learn from our mistakes, you can never have too much put away for unforeseen events. Be content in your job but never be too secure everything can change in a blink of an eye."
Maybe they will listen, or maybe like so many other troubles they will have to make their own mistakes for the lesson to seep in.

If it can happen to us, then it can happen to anyone, and that is the scary reality.

This post was written as part of Parent Bloggers blog blast who have partnered up with Capital One to get the word out about managing family finances. Along with national consumer advocacy group Consumer Action, they’ve launched a new online interactive Moneywi$e eLearning tool to help families learn about money management skills, including talking to kids about money.

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Friday, September 12, 2008

A Thanks

I don't think I have thanked you guys enough. You all make me want to go on and do just it, to show you that I really could.
That you guys, virtual strangers to me, made me tough it out, remember that other people have gone through it and came out better for it and just put my one foot in front of the other every single morning.
I thank you for your comments and emails of support, I needs them and they do get me through the day. Well, that and cute chubby baby smiles with *new* dimples.

I will prove you right, I can and will do it all. I won't allow anyone including myself to doubt just what I can do and I am not going to start now.
So stick around and read what happens next.

Watch out, Tuesday Girl is kicking some serious ass.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Beautiful Day

I really want to thank you all for your support. It has been hard but not hard hard as I thought. The loss of sleep has been my biggest issue.
Of course I don't have enough on my plate and frantically scoured my house and let Realtors come in to see in last night and this morning.
I need to have my head examined.

I really can't believe that it has been seven years since 9/11. The thing that strikes me is that every year the weather seems to be the same here, beautiful bright blue skies and perfect temperature just like that day seven years ago.
Funny every time I pass the skyline of NYC on my travels I still out of habit look to see the World Trade Center.
You can read my experience that day here.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Back To Tears

Last night I attended my children's back to school night. Thank goodness the kindergarten had this combined because I have no idea how I would be in 2 places at once. I planned on talking to the kid's teachers after, to explain our home situation.
R has come home every day from school so far and told me she has received a "bad report". She told me one day she pushed a boy, other days she wasn't a good listener and she was caught talking. Although my daughter can talk paint off a wall, she is a smart girl who loves to learn, but tends to be bored if other kids are not up to her speed. I know this acting out in class is partially because of missing her dad and out new living situation.

I went up to R's teacher after her lecture about what they were doing this year, rules etc. and I told her I wanted to talk about R. I started telling her that R was not a bad girl, that she is good so very good, but her father has left for work and this has been so hard for her.
Then, my voice started cracking. I started to cry.
Right there on the primary colored rug with the map of the United States on it, I cried.
I couldn't stop staring at New Hampshire.

The teacher took pity on me and told me she knew my daughter was a good girl, that she talks a little too much but we can work on it together.
I tried to hide the fact that I was crying in a kindergarten classroom filled with parents. I was mortified.
I could imagine what they were thinking as I was wiping tears pushing a baby in a stroller between two kindergarten classes.

Of course, L's teacher said he is a great student and has no problems.
No crying for me in that classroom!

Now I know I will be told in urban school legends. I will forever be known as the Mom Who Cried at Back To School Night.

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Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Notorious O L D

Tonight is back to school night and that, my friends, makes me feel old. I will be escorted to back to school night with a handsome young man of five months while the kids stay with the neighbors. I will have to figure out some way to see both of the twin's classrooms and meet their teachers. That stresses me out and stress gives me wrinkles and wrinkles are for old people.
So many other things have been making me feel old this week.

First of all did you notice who was doing those commercials for the Jitterbug?
Susan from Sesame Street. Old school Sesame Susan is now selling phones for the elderly because apparently she is their demographic. When did this happen?
I am glad Mr. Hooper is not around to see this.

Then last night I see LL Cool J doing a commercial for Sears! Ladies love cool James, but not Sears, Sears is where my mother in law shops. At the least I see him doing spots for Macy's, maybe even Kohls.

At least I don't have any grey pubic hair.

I need help with my birthday party questions so can you help me out over here today?

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Sunday, September 07, 2008


As I walk through my home, there is just something missing. To a strangers eye everything looks the same, the TV remote is where it always is, the magazines are stacked nicely on the family room table, the beds are all made. But if you inspected closer you would see there are only three toothbrushes in the bathroom, the master closet has only woman's clothes in it. The faint smell of cologne doesn't hang in the air.
E has left for his new job.

Of course he had to, without this opportunity we would have lost everything. Of course we are so grateful for it and we know it is a sacrifice on both of our parts. Of course the kids will miss him terribly, but we all just have to do it.

As I stood in our driveway with my two kids at my side and the baby on my hip and watched him drive away the tears fell from my eyes. My daughter was screaming "Daddy! Daddy, don't go!" which broke my heart even more.
He will come home, often even. My head knows it but can someone please tell my heart?

I just don't know if I can stand the loneliness. I just don't know if I can be everything to everyone here, alone. Couple that with our house being put on the market today and I may crack.
I can do it, I know I can, because I have to. I just already miss him so much.

So send me strength and positive vibes will you, and really, a vat of wine wouldn't hurt either.

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Thursday, September 04, 2008

You Can Have Everything If You Let Yourself Be

Wasn't it just yesterday that I drove my twins home from the hospital at a snails pace? How could it be that I just let my five year old children board a bus to take them to a far off, wondrous place known as kindergarten?

I didn't want to send them today.
Everything inside of me was yelling, "no, this is not right your babies should be with you, who has nurtured them every day of their lives, not in the hands and care of strangers".
How could I trust virtual strangers with my most precious possessions? Would they take care of them and hold them lightly but strong enough not to let them falter?
Would they know how much these twins need each other for support? Will they nurter their minds while letting their imaginations soar? Will they treat them as their own?

How does a mother let go of their child's small hand so they can dip their toe in the ocean of the world, when all they want to do is scoop them into her arms and lay under the safety of a tree and just be?
If I didn't let go now, would I ever be able to?
So silly of me to fret over my children being gone three hours from my care, but those three hours are special and those precious hours will be making memories that I will not be in.

These are my lovely, sweet babies, no matter how old they will become, so I will do what every mother does:
I will send them to school. I will walk them to the bus, I will place them in the care of others and I will watch as the bus drives away.
And I will hold my tears until they are in the distance, crying for the little babies that once were and for the amazing people I know they will become.

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Strange Days Indeed

My mom and I went out yesterday with R and L to take them to get a vaccination they needed for school and then out for ice cream because, dude, shots stink. E stayed home with the baby and did whatever dads and babys do, but it must have been some day because even though we were out longer than we thought we would be, when we got home there was not one, but two "For Sale" signs on my lawn.

I must have drove into some parallel universe where one partner makes all the major decisions while the other partner is out getting shots for their kids.
Is it 1950 again?

Check back later for my obligatory first day of kindergarten post.
My babies are going to kindergarten!

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Tuesday, September 02, 2008

My Weekend Update

If you all must keep talking about Palin, I feel I have to interject my thoughts.
I like the lady, I think she is a interesting mother of five who can juggle it all. I love that now is the time when we could have a woman lead this country. I love that she is truthful about her typical American family. I love that she is a VILF. (vice that I'd like to fuck) I love that she is the "every mom".
Although, I would never vote for her.
I know that this has nothing to do with who she is or what she stands for, but can you have a V.P who wears her hair up in a clip every day?
I wear my hair up in a clip all the live long day, but that is my girl/wife/mom/NJ hair not V.P. hair! Vice President hair should be down full and luscious, I think, and it should never in a ponytail.

Also? Maryland drivers were the absolute worst this weekend on the NJ turnpike. What is wrong with you MD? That dick in the BMW who not only threw on his high beams and then flashed me to get over even though I was going 80? Karma sucks and I saw that the police got you a mile up the road.
Loves it.

Yes bitches, I cough my first fish this past weekend. I am thinking perhaps I didn't catch any fish with my dad when I was little was because my dad was not about the worms and we would fish with dunkin donuts munchkins. Just a thought.
E, on the other hand is all about killing a worm so his wife can catch a fish before she dies.
Cross that one list!

Check out my muscles. Wowza.

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Friday, August 29, 2008

Google Me

I love looking at how people came to find this little blog in the big bloggy world. I crack up on a daily basis at just what people google. Let's be honest, I am often repulsed too. Wanna see what got people here just yesterday?

Vagina tricks. I get this one a lot. Do women actually have tricks that their vagina can do and I was out that day of class? Please, if you know of any vagina tricks you think I should be aware of, let me know.
I think just maintaining the vagina is a trick in itself.

a girl sleeps with 20 men how many has she blown. This is a sneaky question. Did she sleep with all 20 men in one night, or was this in a 30 year period.
How old is this whore?
She has probably blown all of them and you are the only one she hasn't.
Check your shit and make sure you are properly grooming and then maybe you will get some south of the equator loving.

orgasms torture'. This is the true story of the little orgasm that could. It just sat there waiting to be called up to the plate and be hit right out of the park. Instead it sat in the dark, dank abdomen of some loser whose girl friends slept with 20 guys and blew them all, but alas, not him.

how to give a girl a boob massage. Newsflash- Girls don't want a boob massage. That is called groping.
YOU want to feel a girl up, but the girl does not want a massage on her boobs, she wants one of her feet or her lower back.
Then get out.

want to see my ass. Why? Is it out of the ordinary? Because normal, run of the mill ass is nothing special, been there done that. If you have pimple scars on your ass or perhaps a droopy, wrinkly, old man ass, then I would love to take a look-see.
I am slightly fascinated with wrinkly grandpa ass.
Oh, stop it, like you wouldn't look!

P.S. last day to enter to win these.

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Wednesday, August 27, 2008


Enough serious talk around here, let's get down to business. I need some levity. When I say I am stressed, I mean I am on the verge of breaking and it will not be pretty. If you think I am bad you should see my husband. Budum Bum. Nine months of job searching, worrying about money and when we will lose everything has taken its toll on E and there is nothing I can do about it. I know he has taken the brunt of our burdens and troubles because I was pregnant or just had a baby and he wanted to shelter me from it. He is a good man.
BUT! Now he has a job and even if it is 5 hours away from us and we will be separated, it is a job and hopefully in the end missing out in seeing his kids every day will be worth it.
It just has to be.

What was that I was saying about levity?

It takes serious guts to wear a orange pantsuit, Hilary. You just may have had the balls to be president.

Also? Why does Dan only talk at a yell on Big Brother? Take it down a notch Dan!

Yesterday my daughter didn't want to wear her bikini under neath her dress because she thought everyone would "see her bra!" then she ran around the house yelling " I have big boops!"
God, I love five.

My son wouldn't eat his favorite homemade coleslaw last night because some of the juice from his tomatoes on his plate ran into the slaw. I told him that didn't matter, and that he could still eat it.
"What?" he yelled "Do you you eat pickles in pudding? No!"
I have no idea where that came from, but he had a great fucking point.
No coleslaw for him.

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Monday, August 25, 2008

Doing What We Can

What do you think of my redesign? I love it and I have to thank Jen from The Trendy Mommy, she is great to work with and is brilliant!
This new design is making me want to do other new things on this blog, so look for a vlog from me soon. Unless I chicken out which, let's face it, is a possibility.

I am also updating my links to my favorite blogs. Some of my old favorites are MIA or not updating so often anymore. I don't like to have a huge blogroll, just some great reads that I enjoy. If you are missing from my blogroll let me know!
Ohh and I have a great giveaway going on until Friday here.

I also want to talk about my last post. I think that it is becoming more and more a debated topic amongst parents and I think it should be. This is not thirty years ago where you blindly followed your doctor's order and swallowed whatever pill he told you would make you "better". I think doctors need to be more in tune with the mind/body/spirit as a whole. Medications are not the only answer.
To vaccinate or not is not the core issue in my post, it is that as a mother I have to be an advocate for my children. As a client I need to be able to speak with my doctor about why we are taking this course of action, is there an alternative and what are the consequences without being judged, or criticized.
We need to demand more from our doctors, the pharmaceutical companies and our government who approves and regulate our drugs.
Really, who can't be on board with that?

Edit: I just came across this fantastic article and I though I would share.

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Friday, August 22, 2008

Open Letter To My Doctor

Dear Doctor,

I admire how many years of schooling and dedication it took to get where you are now. I know you had many more years of schooling than I have had. I am aware you know your business. Doctor, what I ask of you is that you do not talk down to me. When I tell you that I want to delay vaccinations in my children, don't tell me "you really shouldn't believe everything you read on the Internet" implying that I read a blurb about autism and decided to never vaccinate my children.
I have read numerous studies, article and AMA writings on the subject, have you ever updated your education with studies that were NOT paid for by big pharma? Or do you chose to vaccinate my children on such a schedule because the pharmaceutical companies tell you it is okay to, or maybe just the pharma reps who take you to Yankee games and your family out to dinner?

Don't try and scare me but telling me of death in young children, blindness or even severe illness. Trying to shock or scare me isn't going to work. I know the risks. I would never want my children to be sick or contract a horrible disease. I want them to be protected from these diseases, I just don't want to overload young, immature immune and nervous systems with the toxins that are in these vaccinations.

Let me ask you this, if you give my baby 4 vaccinations today, and he has a reaction to one, like soreness, redness, fever or much worse which are very common, how would you ever know which immunization he reacted to? It doesn't make sense to me, but I know I never went to medical school.
You did though, and even you couldn't even answer this question.
Can you tell me why pharmaceutical companies have NEVER CURED ONE CHRONIC DISEASE? Is it because keeping people with diabetes, asthma or anything else a lifelong customer of their drugs is more profitable? Why are you falling for it?

You cannot explain to me why NJ has the highest autism rate in the country, or how I can save my babies from such a diagnosis. All you can do is regurgitate information you are given from the government.

Please, next time you want to talk about immunization schedules and studies, do so without talking to me like I am stupid. Talk to me like I am a mother trying to do what is best for her children.
Because that is what I am, and I am sure when you set out to be a pediatrician helping children be well is what your goal was.
So please, choose your battles, because fighting with me will get you nowhere.
Now if you will excuse me, I have to go find another pediatrician.

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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

A Little Of This And That

This is going to be a random post since I have many things to blabber about.
This is what I just overheard:

My son just screamed at his sister: R, don't just show me your sausage!

I don't know what that is about and I am choosing to ignore it. When does kindergarten start again?

I joke about kindergarten starting, but I really am going to miss my kids. When did they grow up?
I am going to be a mess their first day of school, more so then preschool. I know that this year they will have to leave the friends they made and start a new school and I feel so badly for them. I know that is my own shit projecting on them though.
I know many parents are so happy when their kids go back to school, but I am not there yet. Give me a year or two.
I broke out of my comfort zone and went to a great Lenscrafters/BlogHer meet up in NYC. Any chance for me to go into the city is one I will take, I really miss living outside of NYC. You can read about the great time I had here.

E is going to NH this morning for a couple of days. I guess I get to try out what it will be like being a single mom most of the week. E will be working in NH starting in September. I don't even want to think about too much. It is too much change and if you knew me in real life, you would know I despise change.
I am terrible at it.

I also suck at:
drawing anything but stick figures and clouds, I make a mean cloud
making clam chowder
folding fitted sheets
blowing my hair out as good as my hairdresser does
having patience

So cheer me up today, tell me what you suck at.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Where Are All The Lesbians And Why Don't They Love Me?

Thanks you guys for keep on keeping on reading this blog, and I know I haven't been commenting on your blogs lately, but I have been reading and I promise every comment that I get this whole week will get a quasi-witty comment back from me.
I swear on my lactating boobs.

E called me from his part time job yesterday to check in and make sure I have not killed anyone in this house under four feet.
I hadn't.

Anywhoo, this was our conversation:
E: " so this manager here keeps saying kind of, well, gay things to me"

Me: "gay as in happy! jovial! things or homosexual things?"

E: " well he just came back to where I am working and said 'Everything looks great back here, and so do the clothes' and yesterday he said 'how are you doing you tall, bald, sexy guy'"

Me: "hmm. Yup. That is gay alright, in both senses of the word."
"I wonder why no women ever hit on me. Fuck, could it be that I am not attractive to lesbians, because you know, I could be a lesbian! I have got the stuff and I know what to do with it, my friend!"

E (still trying to make it about him) "Maybe I can sue for sexual harassment and we can be rich! and have, you know, money and stuff!"

Me: "okay have a good rest of your day, I am going to see a lesbian about a horse..... or something, I WILL be attractive to lesbians by the days end!" "I am a faux-lesbian, hear me roar!"

E: (crushed because it always just has to be about him): "Okay. Goodbye."

Me: "byyyeeee!"

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I Like It Hard

I took the kids to the free movies today and my daughter was sitting on my lap because some man had to sit right in front of her. It didn't cross his mind to sit in front of me, the adult, but sits in front of a 5 year old. He is a smart and kind man. Gah!
Anyway, she scratched my leg and I said "ow!"
R replied "But Mom you like it hard!"*

She is right, I do, I just hope nobody heard that!

* I like it when she scratches my back hard. The only other thing I like hard is my lemonade.

I have a great giveaway here.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Home Again

I am trying to enjoy the last few weeks of summer before my kids head off for kindergarten. They will start their school career in a couple of weeks and I still cannot wrap my head around that. Wasn't it just last month I found out I was pregnant with them? Wasn't it just yesterday I was teaching them to talk and walk?
Now they are their own people with thoughts and ideas and they are so very funny. They are great people and I although I have begged for the day when I can have a small break from them, I will miss them terribly.
Who am I if I am not R & L's full time mommy?
I guess it is time to find out.

I am trying to savor these days with my family because we all won't be together everyday for a long time. E has taken a job in New Hampshire and will start in September. He will work Monday through Thursday and come home on the weekends. I will stay here with the three kids until he is settled, and then we will move up there.
I don't want to go. I have fought, cried and screamed. I don't want to leave my family, but we have no choice. He cannot get his career started back up here so he is going in a different direction in his home state.
I only agreed to go if E promised to move me back to NJ as soon as we can.
He promised.
They say you can never go home again, but I would really like to try.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Good Kids

My husband and I refuse to be "that family". You know the ones that you stare at in a restaurant, the ones who you can tell the kids run the parents. The ones that interrupt your meal, the ones that leave a huge mess wherever they go.
We swore we would never let our kids be those kids, and we would never turn into the parents who were oblivious to our kids and others.
I am proud to say that for the most part we are not that family.

We started taking our twins out to eat then they were about five months old. We have a "no fast food" (with some exceptions) rule so we would take them to places we liked to eat and in doing so they are not picky eaters and try everything at least once. They prefer fruit to french fries and sushi to cheeseburgers.
We would never go out to eat if they were over-tired or cranky, that is just setting yourself up for a disaster. We order their food first so they can eat quickly. We always bring something for them to entertain themselves. Crayons and coloring books are the best and I usually keep a separate stash of them just for eating out. We play I Spy or some other game to keep them company and we are fast, we don't expect our children to sit for hours at a table.

Of course, there have been meltdowns and they are to be expected with kids. We have had to take our kids out of the restaurant to calm them down and even leave with a take out bag of all of our food once. For the most part our children are well behaved in restaurants and know just how to act. People regularly compliment us on how well behaved they are.
They are great kids and we are so proud.

How was that for one full blog post of bragging about my kids?

This post was written for Parent Bloggers Network as part of a sweepstakes sponsored by Burger King Corp. Check out clubbk.com to check out their new promotional kids’ meal toys by Crayola - perfect for boys or girls!

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Some Great Blogs

Miss Blondie sent me this awesome award and even though I know I kick some serious ass, it is nice to hear it from someone else. Thank you Miss Blondie!

So I have to sent this award to 5 other kick ass bloggers:

Midwestern Mommy- she even kicks cancer's ass!

TKO- she finally has her baby girl, I am so happy for her family

Uneasy Rider- he is an amazing dad of three

Motherhood Uncensored- she started the blogging the recession, she rocks

Domestic Chicky- never laughs at my stupid questions

Perhaps this will lead you to some great new reads and in return I would love to hear about your favorite blog right or a new blog you just found, because I would love some new reads for my blogroll!

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

The Talk

I always read above my grade level when I was in school. I was an avid reader and my parents loved it, little did they know it would be their downfall.
When I was 8 I was reading "Are You There God, It's me Margaret" By Judy Blume. All girls know this book it is about, basically, periods. I remember sitting in the backseat of my parent's car driving to my great Aunt's house for Easter dinner. I came on the word "menstruation". I didn't know what it meant so I asked my parents.
My father turned down the car radio and said "What did you say?"
"What does men-stru-ation mean?"
My parents looked at each other and my mom said " we will talk about it later"
"But how can I read this book, when they keep talking about menstruation, it PERTAINS TO THE STORY!"
"We can talk about it later!" my mom repeated.

I was pissed. She was ruining my book.

When we got home my mother called me into the living room and proceeded to have the most uncomfortable conversation I have ever had with her. I remember certain key words used "sperm" "eggs" and I remember asking how the sperm and egg met.
She didn't know what to say, I knew that by acting silly it was her out to abort this failing conversation.

That was my last sex talk with my mom. I did see the "movie" in fifth grade and my mom asked if I had any more questions, or if I understood the movie.
I let her off easy and didn't press it. I knew as much as I needed to know in fifth grade.

I am not sure how to talk about s-e-x with my kids. I hope I can be informative and comfortable and that my kids don't have to let me off easy. I hope they can ask me anything even if it makes us both uncomfortable. I jsut have no idea how to go about it, or when.

I want to hear about your first experience with "the talk". How did you tell your kids about sex and what did your parents do? Are you still waiting for your parents to give you the sex talk?

In the end, the real moral of the story is: read within your grade level.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Tough Times

E has still not found another job despite all his hard work, years of experience and excellence in his field and all his interviews. We may have to move to get work and to move out of the NY/NJ/PA area to find a job is ridiculous. People move TO NJ for jobs. It is tough all around, food is more expensive every time I go shopping, people cannot afford to get health insurance, unemployment is at a all time high. It is just a matter of time before we lose everything. It is not will we? it is when?

Let's do something about it, even though it is just a little thing, Blog the Recession for August! It is simple to do: "If you read blogs, then for the month of August, make the "pledge" to click through from your feed reader. Just click through to the blog (not on ads unless you are so led) and if you're feeling generous, click around to their older posts."

What do you think? Page views don't help me here, (even though I am a stat whore) but they do on my other blogs. Plus you may just join in on a great parenting conversation or stumble on a sweet baby gear deal.
Perhaps you might even link up to them.
So c'mon and join me and some other cool bloggers and click through on your feed readers or blogrolls.