Monday, October 31, 2005

Happy Halloween!

Today will be a good day. It has already been decided.
My Mom is here to help me take the kids trick or treating, which they are excited about.
It is the first year where they understand and can actually have the candy. Last year we would swap out candy that they got for raisins. I will do that to some extent today too. My kids have only had a lollipop once and have had M&Ms when they go on the potty. Besides that, they have never had candy.

Baby A is going to be a bee and Baby B is going to be a mouse. I am going to be a desperate housewife on the edge. Great costume right!?! Where ever did I come up with that one?

Anyway, I am hoping to be the "good candy house" I have yummy sponge bob candy and a variety of chocolates. I hope I don't eat them all before my doorbell rings once.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

A New Thought

Daylight savings time is a fraud. I loved "falling back" until this year.
Daylight savings time is just for the young and the childless.

Damn farmers.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Deep Breath In and Out

Ok, I am better today, but it is only 10:20 am. There is time.
I feel like my kids are trying to sabotage the last brain cells I have and drain the remaining energy I have. I feel like they were sent from the government to see how long it will take a typical housewife from NJ to break.
Ha, Ha government it took me almost 3 years, I bet you never thought I would last that long considering my outbursts at my former place of employment!!! The joke is on you, crappy government.

Ok, now I am hallucinating. Well, that could be because I was up at 4 AM listening to my kids play like it was the middle of the afternoon. After I went into their room and explained that the moon was still out and that means we still sleep, blah, blah, the roosters aren't even up yet, blah. I fell back into my bed wondering how children that could have any DNA from me wake up at that ungodly hour.
I mean really.

E comes home tonight and I feel like boadring a plane to beachville and never returning. I need a break soon so I don't break. I need a one way ticket to heaven.
Anyone want to join me?

Thursday, October 27, 2005

So Hard

Thank you all for your suggestions and well wishes, I really do appreciate them.

I just feel myself falling apart minute by minute. Like the threads of my body and soul are unraveling. I have tried everything and I have just decided to live in this mess of a house. I don't have the energy or desire to clean up any of the 100 messes they have made today alone. I can't keep up with it anymore.

E is pissing me off too. Usually when he leaves for an extended amount of time he will send me flowers or a small gift. He always will leave a note for me or a card, telling me he loves me and he will miss me very much. This trip I received neither.
It is not that I want something, I don't but a card or a note telling me he will miss me or just that he loves me shows me his support and encourages me for the time alone.
Maybe it is because of all the stress I am under now, but I am so sad thinking about how I didn't get a note from him. I really think that was a shitty thing to do.
Yeah maybe he forgot, but he has done it every time he goes away for the past nine years.
It may really sound petty, but I needed it and I don't think it is asking too much.

I just wish I had someone to go out to coffee with, without kids.
I wish the liquor store delivered.

Bad Day

Look at what my kids did while I thought they were napping.

In case you can't tell that is ALL of their socks, shoes, underpants, pajamas, toys and everything on the bottom rung of Baby B's closet.
It was two feet deep of clothes in some sections of her room. I cried and they thought it was funny.

I really don't know what to do, but they are officially out of control.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Because I Too Love the 80s

Wow, thanks for the overwhelming response to my massage plea. I can really feel the love.

Now on your way over stop off at Best Buy and pick me up some 3-D glasses so I can watch I love the 80s 3-D.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Pretty Please?

Who ever would like to come over and give me a 60 minute massage and maybe a pedicure will be my new bestest friend.

I will even give you homemade banana bread and chili and I will let you snoop around my whole house while I take a quick nap.

Any offers?

True Story

"Thanks for calling Verizon, my name is Sperm how can I help you"

"Did you just say your name was sperm?"

"yes, ma'am, how can I help you"

"well my phone is still not working but you just made my day"

I wonder what his last name is. Maybe it is Whale, or Testicle. Or Load, Donor or Bank.
I could go on all day people.

I am going to mentally add this one to my list of strange names I have encountered including but not limited to:
Connie Leg
Joan Foot
Dick Catheder
Carl Hussy

Monday, October 24, 2005


There is a new addition to our family. Yes, I have been wanting this for months now and we couldn't be happier. It arrived late Thursday night, and you can see it here.
that's right baby, Momma has a new set of wheels. I love my new dyson, it picks up crap that I never knew was hiding in the carpet. Dust and hair that didn't come out with my old vacuum. I tested it. I am smart like that.

I would never have paid this much for a vacuum, but my friend got a deal and I would only have to pay 48% of the price. I couldn't pass that up especially since the piece of crap one my mother-in-law insisted I buy is broken. After only 13 months.
Yeah, it sure it a great.

Motherhood has brought me to a new low. My kids still won't stay in bed to take naps. To say I am frustrated is a huge understatement. They get up, take all of their clothes out of the dresser, open the closet take out all of their shoes, pull all the diapers and wipes out to their boxes and throw them all over their room. I could pull my hair out.
They could give less then a shit about yelling at them, taking things away, threats, quiet time, timers or anything else. Pretty much they give me a "this is all you could come up with?" look from them.
So now I have taken to laying on the stairs commando style waiting for them to get out of their beds so I can scare them by shouting "get back into your bed" or barging in and putting them back in bed.
I really wish E was here so he could take a picture of me, because lets face it, it is a funny sight.
Sometimes Baby B will catch me peeking through the crack of the door and says "Hi Mommy!". Then I practically fall down the stairs with laughter.
I mean look at what I am doing! I really didn't think motherhood could come to this.
But it has my friends, it has.

Saturday, October 22, 2005


Thank goodness E return last night, even if it is only for the weekend. It is nice not to be the only one changing poopy diapers. I think the kids are trying to kill me via dirty diapers because I probably changed 15 poops since Sunday afternoon. A record in our household.

Today we are doing a whole lot of nothing. We did do our pumpkin and I roasted the seeds. Yum.
Tomorrow I will bake E a cake before he leaves. Really it is for him, he wanted this strawberry cake mix he said his Mom never bought him when he was a kid. The leftovers will be left with me though, so really everybody wins.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Mommy Dating

It was so easy when I was young, I went outside and played with the kids in my neighborhood. Those had had other friends or cousins and so your circle of friends became bigger and bigger. Nowadays it is a lot more complicated. The friend making is orchestrated, gymboree classes, after school programs, sports. Basically your parents make your friends for you.

I feel like that is what I have to do since I didn't grow up here and I don't work outside the home. Brace yourself, wait for it..............................., I am going to Mommy Date.

That is right, I will sign myself up on the internet, with a picture and put myself out there to see if any other Moms in my area want to date me. With our kids of course, which are tiny chaperones and how I see it, a great excuse to get the hell out of there in case the date goes sour. No longer do I have to fake a stomach ache or an early meeting the next day if someone gets a little "feely" or wants to take to the next level. Now I can tell me date my kid has a crap and I am out of diapers, or that they need their nap!
Whats not to love?!

Hopefully we wont go all the way on the first date. I would hate to swap recipes so early on.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Why doesn't Starbucks deliver?

They should at least sell a IV drip of espresso.
I would buy two.
One for each arm.

Why Today Sux

Reasons Why Today Sucks Already and it is only 9:09 am:

1) My dog must have snuck downstairs to crap all over my beige carpet which was just cleaned 6 days ago. She must have not been going because she usually poops when E takes her for a walk at night. Even though she has been outside all DAY and NIGHT yesterday, I guess it wasn't the appropriate "time" or "place" to poop.
Does anyone want a mutt?

2) I threw up from cleaning up the "other" diarrhea she had on my new oriental carpet in the family room. So glad she didn't pick the wood floor which is 60% of my downstairs to shit on. What a bitch!
Throwing up before you eat or drink anything in the morning is no fun, thank god the door was right there so I could just open it and puke outside.

3) my kids were up 2.5 hours later then usual and didn't take a nap (the norm) and still woke up at 6:15am!

4) I am going on my fourth day of sleep deprivation. Coffee is not workign as well as it used to.

5) I have to go to the doctors for a checkup in 30 minutes. With my kids. Not too much fun there.

Hopefully I will have a better, more cheerful update for you later.

EDIT 6) I went to the doctors but she was out sick. I did not get that message because IDT still hasn't fixed my phone line. I have been without a phone for 10 days now.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Pieces of Me

I miss E already. He left Sunday morning and won't be back until Friday night, then he will return to training on Sunday. This routine will go on for four weeks.
It is hard being alone with two toddlers, even harder since I don't have any friends or family here, they are all 90 miles away. So, I have to do it alone. Which is fine I guess since it is all that I have ever known.

I see now how much E does around the house he loads the dishwasher, I empty it. He takes out the garbage, he feeds the cats. He sweeps and vacuums as much as I do.
Now I have to do it alone. It has given me a real admiration for single mothers.

I miss him still. I can't wait until Friday.

Saturday, October 15, 2005


Amanda tagged me with this eons ago and I just didn't get around to it. Finally, here it is:

7 things I plan to do before I die:
Go to Ireland
See my grandchildren's children
Walk on the beach while it is snowing
Make a quilt with outgrown clothes from my kids
Go to Hawaii
Tell my kids every day how much they mean to me
Own a monkey who likes to wear dresses

7 things I can do:
Pee, change my kids clothes, and have a conversation all at once
Speed read
Shop like the devil
Try anything once
Research on the internet for hours

7 things I cannot do:
Decorate a cake
Kill anything bigger then a nickel
Pretend to like someone, who I just don't like
Shop at Bed Bath & Beyond
Change a nasty diaper without gagging
Probably own a monkey that likes to wear dresses

7 things I say often:
Stop it
Are you kidding me
Put the cushions back on the couch and stop laying on top of each other
You can have MMs when you tinkle or poop in the potty*
What's up kid
Stop following me everywhere! I am NOT the pied piper.

7 celebrity crushes
Antonio Sabato Jr.
LL Cool J
Ryan Phillipe
Harry Connick Jr.
Ricky Martin
Beyonce Knowles
Eddie Vedder

* I only say this to E

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Fall With Me

Reds and oranges, pumpkin seeds, leaf piles to dive in, neighbors outside, beef stew, jackets on, witches on sticks peeking out at you, candy.

Soups, hot dogs at football games, nip in the air, frisky dogs, driving with your windows open, quilt back on your bed, cooking hearty foods for hours, muted skies, warm teas, cozy sweatshirts.

Cookie cutters, baking, long evening walks, bonfires, ESPN, tureens, pale yellows and browns, football jerseys, warm pjs and hugs.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Sorry I've Been MIA

Today I went to the doctor because my cold is not getting any better, it has gotten worse even. I have asthma so the slightest cold goes right into my chest. The doctor told me for the first time in fifteen years, she doesn't have the flu shot this year.
Looks like I will be standing in line with all the old people at the grocery store for mine.
Oh well at least the trip to the doctor gave me an excuse to go to Target for my prescriptions.

Baby B had just healed from a scrape to her nose, when E took her for a walk today she fell and scraped it again. Just in time for Christmas pictures! I will have to teach her to put her hands out when she falls because I guess she doesn't have that instinct.

LOST tonight, which I am ALWAYS psyched about. Didn't last weeks episode seem to have a lot more commercials then normal? What is that about? I think those people which Ana Lucia are from the Nigerian plane crash that had all the heroin in the Mary statues.

Lastly, do a anti-rain dance will ya? We are flooded over here in NJ, with no end to the rain in sight.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Addicted to Love

When I first started dating E I was 22, still living at home and working with him. After about four months he planned a trip to Florida to visit his sister & brother in law. He invited me to go, but I didn't because I wanted to save up money to move out. Get my own pad like he had.
So he left for a week's vacation and I got sick. My Mom diagnosed it as love sick, and I was.
I was so lonely and I knew I loved him more then I had any other person in the world, but we had only known each other for a few months, how could this be?
I was physically sick, with the tissues and the chicken soup.

Fast forward nine years almost to the date and here I am again, sick and sad because E is leaving for a month for work. Now it is even harder because I have the house, the kids, the dog and the cats to worry about. It is all on me. Me. The girl who still feel like she is 16.
How in the hell am I going to do it?

Sure E will be home for the weekends, but I will still miss him terribly. I always joke that I am addicted to him, that he is my drug, but what is scary is that I think it is true.
Maybe I am more dependent on him then I should be. Maybe this is my chance to prove to myself that I am an adult and I can do it all by myself.

OR maybe I will fail miserably and E will find me in a ball in my closet.

Friday, October 07, 2005


My children have the combined energy of 19 cheetas. I need to find them a gymnastics class, because letting them dive off the couch onto pillows is scaring me. But hey, they aren't crying.

We did gymboree for 2 years but it is not as active as I would like it to be. It is more about pretend play and we pretend enough at home. I called Little gym and they want $550 for the two kids for a 16 week, one weekly class. No thank you.
So today we are going to try My Gym. I hope it is good for them, I need to get them into some kind of class and when you are wearing diapers, there aren't many classes for you.

Baby B has been wearing her mouse costume day & night. I had to peel it from her hands and unzipper the neck so she wouldn't fry in her sleep. Yesterday my Aunt bought them each a scooter, well they have been playing with that non stop. I brought them with me to buy helmets and guess what they have been wearing ever since?
I at least told them they could not wear them to bed, but first thing this morning, helmets are back in place.
I love it.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Why Do I Torture Myself?

I admit to torturing myself every day by watching the View. I love Meredith and Joy, but Star, Barbara and Elisabeth can suck my left one, if you know what I mean.

I am so sick of Elisabeth Hasselbeck and her preaching I could die. She is a strong supporter or the republican party and defends the president any chance she gets, for what it seems, is just for the sake of it. She never listens to any other side. She is a rich, white, female and from what I can tell has never struggled for anything in her life. I wish she would just shut it.
Actually I already emailed her & told her that. I should have mentioned her husband sucks too.

Don't get me started on Star Jones, who staged her engagement at at huge event after she got engaged. Plus her husband is gay. Nobody can convince me otherwise.

I really have to stop watching this crap ridden show, but I guess I am sucked in. I am after all a bored housewife and that is their demographic.
I will not go down without a fight!
Tomorrow I will not watch.
Ok, maybe I will just watch a little.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Only A Matter......

................of Time


We had a huge triumph last night. Baby B urinated in her potty. We were beyond happy. I was ecstatic, I felt like I had just won a million dollars. My reaction surprised me actually and I was taken aback by it. Lets hope this is a trend and Baby A gets on board. I am sick of diapers and the money it cost to acquire them.

I did finally find a bee costume, thank you all for your help. My son will proudly be a bee this year and we are confident he will be the only 2.5 year old bee on the block.

It is still hot here in NJ which is strange. Leaves are falling off the trees and we are still in shorts and T-shirts. It is about 10 degrees warmer then normal here.

My kids will only nap if you lay down with them. So my mornings are spent trying not to fall asleep and trying to get them to think I am sleeping so they sleep. Very Complicated Mom Move, also known as VCMM.

Another VCMM is trying to get veggies enthusiastically but not obviously in attempt to get them to enjoy the veggies as much as you are. My all time favorite VCMM is trying to get two toddlers in car seats and various bags of "stuff" before it downpours and you have to hear "its waining on me, I am getting all wet, Mommy!!" over and over again.

What is your favorite VCMM?

Tuesday, October 04, 2005


Baby A decided after seeing the Hulk costume it was too scary. ( I told you so) So now, he wants to be a bee. The only bee costumes I can find are either for infants or for girls (so sexist!).
Has anyone seen a bee costume that would fit a 3T?
I need help on this one because Halloween is forever away and I am already getting grey hairs about it.

Thanks guys.

Monday, October 03, 2005

It's The Great Hulk, Charlie Brown

Baby A has taken a liking, or should I say obsessiveness of the Hulk. It started with him seeing spiderman sandals at Target and then talking about it all day leading me back to Target (any reason is a great reason to visit Target) to buy him a pair. He didn't take them off for 3 days and 3 nights.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and suddenly he is obsessed with the Hulk and "superheroes" and we have no clue how he heard about them because he doesn't watch TV besides Dora and Diego which do not have "superhero" commercials. Weird.

Now he wants to be the Hulk for Halloween. Despite my best efforts to offer to him various other costumes like a lion! A kangaroo! Buzz Lightyear! Nemo!
It was fruitless.

I know he won't wear a mask and all the hulk costumes have a mask, I doubt he will let me paint his face either. Soooo It looks like I will have to buy him the stupid Hulk costume and he will partially wear it.
I thought I would have at least 4 Halloweens before he started getting picky about clothes & costumes and such.

Sigh, it seems I have raised a tiny metrosexual. At least I can still dress E up in this.