Teenage TV

I was noticing the other day that I have turned into a teenager. No it wasn't because I was sexting or stealing prescription painkillers (why? do you have some?), it is my TV watching.
Apparently instead of my taste in television maturing, it is regressing. Why do I say that? Here is my list of favs right now:

90210- Bev Hills and I go back. WAAYY back. So far back I remember when the "teenage" cast only had small receding hairlines and Brenda had thick bangs to cover her even-more-thick eyebrows and crooked eyes.
I still love this show. I am sad to admit it though.

Vampire Diaries- New show this year and I am in looove. Although I read the twilight books, I am not a vampire storyline fan, but I gave this a whirl and I love it.

True Life Docs- I love these documentaries on MTV. It is pretty much the only thing MTV is good for these days. I had breast implants, I am embarrassed by my parents, I have a secret life online- whatever it is bring it and I will watch.

Speaking of MTV, did you see the new show they are premiering later this month? Jersey Shore? Oh, sweet lord it is getting harder and harder to defend NJ against these revolting docu-dramas that take place in NJ. Yes NJ has Guidos but the population has plummeted since the mid 90s. I swear.

Where do they find these people?
And yes, I will be watching.
I think my only redeeming TV watching quality is that I stopped watching soap operas 13 years ago.

Enter To Win Some Great Gifts!

E is in NJ for a job interview today.
We are not getting our hopes up but will continue to pray for some good luck.

I wanted to share with you some great gift ideas I have over at my other site. I would give or want to receive all of them this year.
I am also giving some great things away like a designer diaper bag, Hoover Stick Vac, $75 worth of custom favors and a 1 year subscription to a menu planning service that rocks.
I also have more coming up (including pearls!) and one for you crazy readers.
Enter for yourself or to save some money on gifts!

I Go To Sleep

When my father died suddenly 5 years ago I suffered a great deal of insomnia. I could fall asleep easily, it was the staying asleep that was the problem. Every night I would wake at 3:30 and I would be awake until 6am- that was my witching hour and I would fall asleep easily and heavily at that time.
My homeopath told me years later that the time I woke meant something, but I never asked what. I guess I didn't want to know the answer.

When I would wake I would usually turn on the TV and lower the volume so I wouldn't wake E. Most of the time he would wake, roll over and go back to sleep.
Sometimes though, we would just sit in bed and talk. We would talk about the things we forgotten to tell the other about our day, the little things. Most times we will rehash what cute/smart/funny things one or all of our kids did that day and we would give thanks for those kids.
Sometimes it was easier to talk about things, in the darkness when you don't have to see the other's face. The discussion would flow and out hands would find each others and we would know that no matter what we were in it together.

These days I find myself back into my old sleep patterns. I wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep.
I know why.
Doesn't make it any easier on my mind or body. Over the counter sleep pills don't work anymore after years of using them and then the big boy prescription sleep pills.

I am so grateful to have a husband who will talk with me in the night, in the stillness of the dawn. He comforts me, drives away my demons even for a short while and lets me fall back asleep in the safety of his arms.

Very Popular With the First Grade Set

Most popular holiday for kids? Must be Fedrrins Day because I found this on my dresser this morning:

My Week By Numbers

Number of days I have been sick: 3

Number of resumes I sent out this month so far: 25

Number of calls if inquiry on said resume: 1

Number of interviews I have had for a job which would require me to answer calls for a funeral home in the middle of the night and train in an actual funeral home & watch in-calls, funerals and embalming: 1

Number of days I will have this never ending cough: 343985

Number of days I forgot was early dismissal for school and thank god I didn't leave the house when the bus pulled up 2 hours early: 1

Number of bagels consumed when my mom and sister visited this weekend: 2.5

Number of times I have threatened to throw away all leftover Halloween candy in this house since Halloween: 15

Number of times the baby has thrown food directly at my head today alone: 4

Number of times baby has done something so cute that I forgive the food throwing: 74384

Number of time I will use this bit for blog fodder until it gets old: you tell me.

Thank You Frailty, Thank You Consequence,Thank You Thank You Silence

I really do have to tell you how much I love you guys. To take the time out of your day to read my sill little space on the Internet, it means a lot to me. I feel like you guys have given me so much more than I have given you over the past year.

There are days I just want to quit this blog because I feel like all I am doing is whining about my life. There are days when I can make a lighthearted post or rally enough to make fun of my situation or my encounters with people who have never heard of a stromboli and need a 5000 word description of it from the waitress.
Most of the time I just want to get the words in my head out, clear myself of the toxins, it was very cathartic but now it just gets me more upset.

I was literally moved to tears to see people voting for me to get that job, sending out tweets for votes, sending me emails of suggestions and comfort. I cry every time I get a comment on here telling me to stay strong, that my family will weather this storm, that brighter days will come- that they will have to.
To know that virtual strangers are sending positive thoughts and prayers is overwhelming to me and my husband.

In my last post I wrote that I started this blog to feel connected to other new moms, to record my life in a time where life was very hectic to this new mom of twins in a new town.
I am not the best writer, this blog doesn't have the most traffic of them all, it is just my little space to figure things out, note the stuff I want to always remember and hopefully one day soon look back and think how far we have come.
I decided to keep writing here and record whatever I want, whenever I want and not feel like I have to write, but write when I need to.
I thank you for reminding me of that.

The Value Of Me

I blast the blinking cursor of doom.
These days I am just not sure what to write about. Like most bloggers, I started this blog to connect to other people in my new position of a new mom and found myself in this great untainted territory.
My words meant something to me and that was all that mattered.
Now, well, I am not so sure. When I write about my current situation, I get myself more worked up, I get very emotional and I am not sure it is cathartic or torment.

I want to write about silly, non-meaningful things but sometimes I just don't have the heart to do so. It has my mind and heart wondering if my words mean anything anymore. This agony of the past 2 years of losing everything except my family has taken its toll.
The pain and unrelenting bad luck can be seen on my face, on my husband's face on our marriage, on our lives. I can't believe we have ended up here with no idea what to do next.
No idea where to go, when we will land jobs, where my kids will go to school or how to pay our bills.
Writing about our lack of, well, everything, has not been helpful to me. It makes me realize more how tired I am of being on the losing end of opportunity, what a terrible parent I think I am and how hard it is going to be to dig back out of this hole.
It makes me sick to my stomach on a daily basis.

I wonder if my hopes, faith and dreams don't make any difference, than just what value do my words have?