It's Only Half Past The Point Of No Return

This post is not written because I don't want what I have. I love what I have. Sometimes, though, you just remember and smile.


I want to start getting ready to go out a 10pm. I want to listen to the music in my car as loud as I want and not care who is watching me sing and dance.
I wish for the days where I never had to be anywhere at any time and hanging out doing nothing was on the days agenda. Every day.
I want to have a crush. I want to eat a cheeseburger deluxe with fries and gravy on the side at 2am at our diner. I want to eat that after a night filled with too much alcohol and too many cigarettes.
I wish for those nights that were so great you wished they would never end.
I long for those days when everything about each other was new, the passion was endless and being without each other for an hour was unbearable.

I want to eat pizza every night. I want to be as skinny as I was in high school. I want to go to parties every weekend with friends I have had since I was 4. I want my phone to ring at 3am with someone who just wants to talk to me.
I want to have a sleepover. I want a secret admirer.
I want to run until I thought my sides were going to split. I want to dream what my husband is going to look like and where we are going to live. I want to get a note passed to me in class. I want to wear a too-short dress and not care, because I can.

I want to swing on a swing under a full moon and go higher than I have ever gone before.

Wordless Wednesday

Goodbye Snow that hangs out for months. Goodbye house we loved so much.

February

February is like a month chock full of Mondays. I hate it. Last year we moved to NH and left family and friends and maybe even hope behind in NJ. Six years ago my father died. This month, this year we are asking our kids to leave their friends once again and we are moving back to NJ. February is the time of year where I get sick of winter wish for a spring flower to bloom.
Just one.
So yeah, I am not a fan.

I told my husband once February sucks so bad they didn't even give it a full 30 days.

I sit here on the brink of this new month, this new February and I decided the month sucks because I let it. I have the power over my feeling and I can make the best of it or wallow in the terribleness of my memories.
E tells me I don't live in the moment enough, that I am not in "the now".
I completely agree with him.

This month, this year, this life in fact I have decided not to celebrate the deaths, or the failures. I am going to fight back against the demons.
This February I am going to see where life takes me, I am going to embrace change instead of fighting it.
This month I am going to stare out at my snow covered lawn and think of the bright flowers just waiting to bloom under the warm sun.

I can almost smell them already.

Dazed And Confused

This week has been a crazy mess and it is only Thursday. To give you a peek inside my life, I will tell the tales that have me either pissed, confused or bewildered:

-The realtor who is selling this house put a lock box on the door without telling or asking me. I called her told her to taker it off, I don't feel comfortable with it on the door when I am home alone with 3 kids. She said she would. 10 days ago she said she will be over in an hour to take it off.
It is still there.

-I have a rash under one of my boobs. WTH? I have no idea where it came from or why, it resembles a heat rash but it is anything but hot here. Even under my lady lumps. A boob rash and under wire do not go well together.
It hurts. I am alternating powdering my under boob and staring in disbelief at my self in the mirror.

-Really? A John Edwards sex tape? Haven't you put your wife through enough? The lies and the lies about lies, where does it end. I kind of liked John Edwards as a person many years ago when I first heard about him and his family's story. Now I have no respect for him and I can't imagine his family does either. How disgusting.
Nobody wants to see that sex tape anyway. It is probably all about your hair.

-Angelina and Brad? Nope, don't care either.

-Since my kids were turning 7, we decided this Christmas they can get a video game system. Instead they each got a Nintendo Ds and Wii! Secretly after the kids go to be E and I play super Mario Bros. on the Wii into the night.
Under the cover of darkness we play and play and save our progress to continue the next night. We are addicted and since E is away I miss playing with him.

Back Together, Again

I can't live without E anymore. I have turned in three weeks what took six months to torn into last year. Someone I don't recognize, someone who I do not want to be.
I lash out at my children, the stress of being a single parent to three for days and nights on end are weighing on me. I think of doing for my children as a burden not my job and the boredom of being stuck in the house for days and days is terrible. Even baby K is bored. I am quick tempered and it even scares me.

So, we are taking up an offer to stay at a relative's home in NJ while we save a bit and take some time to find a place to live. It is not ideal for anyone and I will have to home school the kids while we are there, but at least we can be together.
E being away isn't just tough on me, I know the kids take it hard too. The money and the commute of 4+ hours every week each way is too much for E also.

In just a couple of days we will pack up what we need for now and move in with family and reconnect with each other. I will be able to appreciate my job as a mother again.
They deserve that and so do I.

Seven

If you could only know how much I love you both, but how could you ever know?
You will never know the real depths of my love, but I can tell you my truths:

I will fight to the death for you. I will fly to the sky and pluck each star out just to give them to you. I would squeeze and kiss you forever and a day.
I would give up my morning coffee for you. I would slay a dragon and then tell silly jokes while holding his still-beating heart in my hand just to make you laugh.
I will buy a remote island and just lay with you on white sand covered beaches. There would be no death or sickness, just joy and happiness to fill our days. There would be endless ice cream with extra cherries and no whipped cream just for you.
I will buy you ponies. I can build you a castle made from candy and live in it forever for you.
I will give up everything I have, just ask me to.

One day I will no longer be on this Earth to tell you how much I love you. But you must never be sad, because I will always be with you.
All you have to do is listen.
When you are old and grey and it is your turn for your spirit to move on, you must not be frightened because you will know I will be there waiting for you.

Just be still.
Be still and listen very closely.
You will hear "Don't be scared, Mommy is here". Maybe you will think you imagined it, maybe you think it was the wind, but know, it will be me.

Maybe then you will know just how much I love you now and forever and ever.

Happy 7th Birthday R & L.

Steal From The Rich To Give To The Poor

I read a story last week that has fascinated me ever since, but of course now I can't find the story to link to. You will just have to rely on my memory.
A NYC cab driver found about 20k and some jewelry left in his cab. Although he was new to this country and not near comfortable financially, he turned the money & jewelry in and would not even take a reward.
He said he was needy not greedy.

It made me think about what I would do in the same circumstance? I know two years ago what I would have done in a heartbeat.
I know I am a good person, I know I help others and have empathy. Honestly though, because these past two years have been so rough and how we have lost everything and have borrowed A LOT of money from family? I may have just kept it.
I don't want to admit that, but I am being honest.

I am sure the guilt would eat me alive and I would be up nights worrying about my karma and what if it was for someones operation or to feed orphans. Maybe I would rationalize that only wealthy people would carry abound such large amounts of cash, and I needed it more than them.
It would make me so miserable that I didn't do the right thing, and that, would be my karma coming back at me.

I want to know what you would honestly do: Would you keep the money and jewels, keep some of it or return it all?

I can tell you one thing, I sure would have taken the reward!