For as long as I can remember my life has been governed by fear. Some of my earliest memories are waiting up for my parents when they were out late because I was sure they were in an accident. I knew as a child my father would die young- he did, 1 month after he turned 53.
I worry about money, about disappointing my parents, about being a good girl, about if I was doing enough with my life, if my kids are healthy, if we will find jobs, if my husband is happy enough with me, if my kids are stimulated enough, if I am kind enough.
I would have scenarios if someone broke into my house, tried to steal my kids or if someone I loved was terminally ill.
All worries. All have kept me up at night my mind a tornado of thoughts, fears and potential outcomes. Funny though after all those years and preparing for outcomes, it never helped when the bad did happen. It was like a dream and it was never dealt with.
I fear fear itself which is ridiculous.
I do see how absurd it is. I also thought that was how I was hard wired, I was born a worrier. But I don't want to be.
This new year is one where I promise myself not to worry about all the bad that will happen, because bad happens to everyone. I will hope for the good.
I will work for the good. I will not place my fears in my children's head.
And I will not worry if it is working or not.