You Can Have Everything If You Let Yourself Be

Wasn't it just yesterday that I drove my twins home from the hospital at a snails pace? How could it be that I just let my five year old children board a bus to take them to a far off, wondrous place known as kindergarten?

I didn't want to send them today.
Everything inside of me was yelling, "no, this is not right your babies should be with you, who has nurtured them every day of their lives, not in the hands and care of strangers".
How could I trust virtual strangers with my most precious possessions? Would they take care of them and hold them lightly but strong enough not to let them falter?
Would they know how much these twins need each other for support? Will they nurter their minds while letting their imaginations soar? Will they treat them as their own?

How does a mother let go of their child's small hand so they can dip their toe in the ocean of the world, when all they want to do is scoop them into her arms and lay under the safety of a tree and just be?
If I didn't let go now, would I ever be able to?
So silly of me to fret over my children being gone three hours from my care, but those three hours are special and those precious hours will be making memories that I will not be in.

These are my lovely, sweet babies, no matter how old they will become, so I will do what every mother does:
I will send them to school. I will walk them to the bus, I will place them in the care of others and I will watch as the bus drives away.
And I will hold my tears until they are in the distance, crying for the little babies that once were and for the amazing people I know they will become.

Home Again

I am trying to enjoy the last few weeks of summer before my kids head off for kindergarten. They will start their school career in a couple of weeks and I still cannot wrap my head around that. Wasn't it just last month I found out I was pregnant with them? Wasn't it just yesterday I was teaching them to talk and walk?
Now they are their own people with thoughts and ideas and they are so very funny. They are great people and I although I have begged for the day when I can have a small break from them, I will miss them terribly.
Who am I if I am not R & L's full time mommy?
I guess it is time to find out.

I am trying to savor these days with my family because we all won't be together everyday for a long time. E has taken a job in New Hampshire and will start in September. He will work Monday through Thursday and come home on the weekends. I will stay here with the three kids until he is settled, and then we will move up there.
I don't want to go. I have fought, cried and screamed. I don't want to leave my family, but we have no choice. He cannot get his career started back up here so he is going in a different direction in his home state.
I only agreed to go if E promised to move me back to NJ as soon as we can.
He promised.
They say you can never go home again, but I would really like to try.

The Talk

I always read above my grade level when I was in school. I was an avid reader and my parents loved it, little did they know it would be their downfall.
When I was 8 I was reading "Are You There God, It's me Margaret" By Judy Blume. All girls know this book it is about, basically, periods. I remember sitting in the backseat of my parent's car driving to my great Aunt's house for Easter dinner. I came on the word "menstruation". I didn't know what it meant so I asked my parents.
My father turned down the car radio and said "What did you say?"
"What does men-stru-ation mean?"
My parents looked at each other and my mom said " we will talk about it later"
"But how can I read this book, when they keep talking about menstruation, it PERTAINS TO THE STORY!"
"We can talk about it later!" my mom repeated.

I was pissed. She was ruining my book.

When we got home my mother called me into the living room and proceeded to have the most uncomfortable conversation I have ever had with her. I remember certain key words used "sperm" "eggs" and I remember asking how the sperm and egg met.
She didn't know what to say, I knew that by acting silly it was her out to abort this failing conversation.

That was my last sex talk with my mom. I did see the "movie" in fifth grade and my mom asked if I had any more questions, or if I understood the movie.
I let her off easy and didn't press it. I knew as much as I needed to know in fifth grade.

I am not sure how to talk about s-e-x with my kids. I hope I can be informative and comfortable and that my kids don't have to let me off easy. I hope they can ask me anything even if it makes us both uncomfortable. I jsut have no idea how to go about it, or when.

I want to hear about your first experience with "the talk". How did you tell your kids about sex and what did your parents do? Are you still waiting for your parents to give you the sex talk?

In the end, the real moral of the story is: read within your grade level.

Cabbage Patch Beat Downs

I remember my mom telling me the horror stories of trying to get Cabbage Patch dolls for us in the 80s. She saw women fist fighting, men ripping packages out of a woman's arms and people being trampled. It really made her think about what people are doing to each other for a stupid doll and what she was willing to do to get us one. When a store has 25 dolls for 75 people who are waiting for it, just opening the doors and letting people charge isn't the best solution.
My Mom was willing to wait until she got a rain check and get a chance to visit the store room and pick out her very own Cabbage Patch Kids for us- Cabbage Patch nirvana.

As a mother myself now, I have been out shopping on Black Friday trying to get the toys my children want for a cheaper price. My kids are not old enough to want the "must have gift of the season" yet, I know it is just a matter of time though. Camping out in front of a store just isn't my style and I don't want to teach my kids that the instant they want something, they get it. Instant gratification isn't a great thing to teach children, in my opinion.

My kids will soon enough want the toys that advertisements and their friends tell them they "have to have", but I promise I will not knock you down to get it.
Well, unless you are blocking the aisle with your cart.
I just hate that.



Check out Hasbro's Hot Summer Toy Event and the Parent Bloggers Toy blog Blast!

A Mama Cub

When anyone hears a news story about something horrific happening to a child, they react the same way, they would clench up, turn off the TV and try to shake the images out of their head. I hated watching shows or movies that had bad things happening to kids or animals. Why give a sick person any ideas?



When you become a mother though, the stories just seem so much worse. They become real. "How can anyone do that to a innocent child" becomes "how can I protect my child from these animals".

My fears seemed to intensify now that I have just had a new baby. When I see or hear terrible things, I crawl into bed with my children holding on to them as if I am trying to put them back inside of me, where they were safe. Keeping my children out of harms way is my job I tell myself, it is normal. Fear is good, it will keep you on your toes, my head tells me.

What if I have a bad day? What if the worst can and does happen? What if I fail my own babies?



These questions can't be answered. They cannot even linger too long, for fear of losing my sanity. I have to push them back into the darkness.

Instead I will still turn off the television when I hear about children being victimized, I will pray for them in the darkness as I crawl into bed with my children and lay with them.

"I will protect you" I whisper to them. I say it as I hope that no truer words have ever been spoken.

I say it because I have to.

Storing Memories

We are trying to clean out our house and get rid of the junk that has seemed to multiply and now pours out of everywhere. We have SO many baby items especially because we had twins. Two of everything, one in pink and one in blue. Now that K is here and he is our last baby I am trying to donate or sell some of our surplus.

As I go through the things we can't use anymore, like my daughter's crib bedding, her tiny dresses and baby clothing and as I think about getting rid of her crib or K's bassinet when he grows too big for it (a couple of weeks, I am sure), I get sad. My sorrow surprises me, after all they are just "things". I have pictures and my memory to get me through my years. Would holding on to my daughter's baby clothing or blankets change that? Can it take me back to the smell of my babies, the way their skin was so soft it felt like you were not touching anything at all? Would they make the memories more clear in my mind?

Getting these things out of my home and into the homes of needy people or people that could use them and want them would be best, but I can't help but feeling like I am selling my past. A part of me and my kids.
I have always had a unusual attachment to my "things" like my old stuffed animals or my favorite books. I hate to throw my things away, although I have gotten better over the past few years.
Still, I am sad. I have to get rid of things little by little so I don't overload my system.
I have decided to keep some of my favorite items for my kids. They can pass it on or use it for their children. Maybe even they will keep it stored safely away and only and take it out when they need their memories to be just a little more vivid.

Life Before Parenthood

If you asked me four months ago if I thought my life would change with another addition to my family, I would have told you "not that much". It is like K has always been with our family, but I am just much busier. I am forever nursing him because he is still a slow, lazy eater. I know he doesn't have any other plans for the day but to hang out with boob in his mouth, but I do.
I also never get done with laundry and cleaning, but what mother does?
Life has changed since I became a mom in ways I never thought:

Life Before I Was a Mom (LBM): I would take risks,
I could leave a job if I hated it and take my time to find another, I would eat at McDonalds, I would show up to work after being out all night
Life Now (LN): I am still risky, sometimes I put the baby down before he is fully asleep which usually bites me in the ass, but hey, I like to live on the edge.

LBM: Weed
I knew some people who would smoke the stuff, and maybe I would have been in a poorly ventilated room with said people, and unfortunately may have inhaled some of it. Maybe.
LN: weeds are the things that I don't have enough time to pull out from my gardens

LBM: I did not know about things like hands free breast pumps, why there are so many different types of strollers and which baby gym is better then the other.
LN: I can make a hands free breast pump with a ponytail holder and 3 minutes, I can talk to you about strollers for a good 20 minutes before I get bored and I know which gym is better for your child based on age.
Go ahead ask me. I dare you.

There are plenty of other things that have change, but I have to go stick a boob in someones face. Come to think of it, that is another thing that has changed, the boobs in the face, it used to only be cute boys. Or to get into good NYC clubs.
Now it is just one 12 pound sweet boy.

What about you, what do you know now, you didn't before you were a parent?

There is Something To Be Said For a Drip Dry

Over dinner the other night I mentioned to E that I couldn't find the "good" toilet paper for the downstairs bathroom and only found a half of a roll of the one ply terrible toilet paper.
This is when our daughter decided to reveal to us that when there is no toilet paper in the downstairs bathroom, the one that is used the most frequently, she just uses the hand towel to wipe herself.

We didn't know whether to laugh or cry and we still don't.
What I do know, is that I change the hand towel every day now, I am vigilant about toilet paper in that bathroom and I didn't finish my dinner that night.

The end.



Psst, come and tell me about your confessions here.

A Twin Mess

When you have twins what one doesn't think of, the other does. Usually the one that thinks of everything is my daughter, R. She is the mastermind, the plotter, the one with the devious mind. L goes along with almost everything R says he is the lookout, the co-conspirator, if you will.

When E started a new job two years ago, he was away for a month for training. He came home every weekend but from Sunday night to Friday night, I was alone with the two almost-three-year-olds. To say it was tough would be an understatement.

They were also just introduced to toddler beds a month or so before E left. Getting them both to take a nap was hard. They would get out of bed, fool around, jump and play. I can understand that, but they needed a nap, they still need naps. One particular day everything grew quiet upstairs. Usually when a child is quiet it means trouble, but this time I convinced myself they were sleeping. In reality, I was probably just saving myself another trip up the stairs to check on them. When nap time should have been over and the kids still weren't making any noise, I went upstairs to check on them.

What I saw was the worst mess I have ever seen in my house.

They pulled everything out of the closet and off the hanger and threw it onto the floor. Sweaters, coats, skirts, dresses, belts and shoes were strewn everywhere. Then they took everything out of their drawers, even the drawer that contained diapering paraphernalia including baby powder. It looked like a flour factory exploded in R's room. I just sat down in the middle of the mess and cried.

I cried because I missed E, I cried because I missed living close to my family & friends and I cried because I knew I had to clean that whole mess by myself!

The kids just stared at me, I am not sure they ever saw me cry before. Then they did something I wasn't expecting.

They laughed at me.

They will pay for that when they are 13.

This is the biggest mess I have ever had to clean up, and I wrote about it for the Crazy Hip Blog Mamas for an Oreck XL Ultra Vacuum contest, which is the Cadillac of all vacuums!

Life Lessons

One thing I hated about my childhood was that I had a early bedtime. As a parent now, I see the benefit of the early bedtime to both me and my parents, but as a child going to bed when the sun is still out in the summer and you can hear the kids playing outside, is not fun. Not fun at all.
You try and fall asleep because what else can you do, but your slumber will not come. You hear your friends under your window, birds chirping and the ice cream man slowly going down your street.
Is this familiar to anyone besides me?

I would go to school and my peers would talk about shows I have never heard of. I was left out, I was put to bed after the Muppet Show! A late night for me was 8pm on a school night. My friends would talk about all of these great TV shows that I never got a chance to see and I was jealous.
Then came the MASH finale. I am not sure I had ever watched MASH before, but I wanted to see that finale. I begged my Mom. She said no, it was a school night after all.
I did what any other third grader would do..... I cried.

I cried and whined and cried some more for what seemed like forever after my bedtime. I heard the theme music. It was time to step it up despite being yelled at to be quiet about 23728 times. I cried more. I was literally crying myself to sleep. I was exhausted, it was way after my bedtime and I was making myself stay up to prove a point. I am Irish, stubborn is my middle name.

Finally my Mom came in my room and told me, in a not so nice tone, that I could come out to the living room and watch it. She probably only gave in so she could watch her favorite show in peace. I watched it, forcing my eyes to stay open the whole time. I was so excited to go to school the next day, to talk about something that was on TV past 7pm with my peers, to finally be in the know.

You know what is coming right? Yeah, nobody mentioned the MASH finale, no one has seen it. After all of that, I was defeated.
That probably wasn't my first lesson learned in life, but it is one I still remember. I did need my sleep, everyone in the world was not watching MASH but me, and my Mom did know best, but I was too tired to admit it to her.
I remember that every time I put my kids to bed when the sun is still out, kids are playing on our street and the ice cream man passes our house.

Perhaps She Can Call Dr. Phil?

Wow, lots of people hate Walmart. Then why is it the biggest retailer in the U.S.? I did notice Walmart had fabu prices on pantry items, but since mine is small and doesn't have a full grocery section I never go there.

Am I the only one who laughed when they found out Jamie Lynn Spears, who is 16, is pregnant? I don't mean to be cruel, but c'mon, who raised these girls? After Britney flailed and is still flailing wouldn't you take the youngest daughter, quit show biz and Fly your asses home to Louisiana? I love it that mama Spears is writing a parenting book, which understandably has been put "on hold". What gives her any authority to write a book about anything?

I just love how Britney was the poster child for a such a "good girl" as a teen and how she was a virgin. She broke up with one good guy and her whole world has been a hot mess ever since. That girl is just a hot mess.
If you are reading this mama Spears, my advice to you is circle the wagons, my friend. Gather ALL of your family together, out of the spotlight and circle the wagons.

Love is TiVo

Sweet lord! My kids have figured out how to pause TiVo and it is the end of the world as we know it. They are allowed to watch a couple of shows in the morning ( and more then that when Daddy's away so mommy can rest in bed!) and now they pause the television to go and eat breakfast.
Even my four year old children know that eating a yogurt in the kitchen will ruin the ending of Little Einsteins or Sesame Street! Like, duh?!


Overheard today:
R: Mom do you ever say "fucking shit?"
Me: "Um......what? Um. Uuuumm. Don't say that!"
In my head: Fucking shit!!!!!!!!!

Keeping My Kids Safe

This story infuriates me. If you are not in the mood to read the article I will sum it up for you. A 45 man, Jack McClellan is a self described pedophile but says he has only hugged underage children in a non-sexual way, has various web sites and been posting nonsexual pictures of children intended to promote the acceptance of pedophiles, and to direct other pedophiles to events and places where children tended to gather. He was run out of Washington State (where he lived with his parents) after the press got hold of him and now has moved to California where there are a lot of amusement parks and fairs.

The thing that kills me is that so far this man has done nothing wrong. They cannot arrest him for posting links to where children will be. While posting pictures of children in sexual situations is a felony, posting them fully clothed in everyday situations is not. Although he says he has never done anything illegal, what we know about pedophiles and the fact most of them cannot be treated and continue to molest children, leads one to believe that he has molested children for years.

Knowing his name, where he lives and what he looks like is a step but what if you read his site where he talked about a little girl he liked, knowing it was your daughter he was talking about? How do you protect children from someone who is free to live where he wants?
What do you think should be done about men like this?

Confessions

I throw away at least half of the candy my mother in law send the kids. They never know.

That is my true mom confession, and there is plenty more where that came from. Won't you join me at my other place and send me your parenting confession?
Pretty please?


edit: DD nominated me for Hottest Mommy Blogger, probably just out of pity because of these great pictures, but that is fine with me.
I am just happy to pimp out my blog with the badge!