A Mama Cub

When anyone hears a news story about something horrific happening to a child, they react the same way, they would clench up, turn off the TV and try to shake the images out of their head. I hated watching shows or movies that had bad things happening to kids or animals. Why give a sick person any ideas?



When you become a mother though, the stories just seem so much worse. They become real. "How can anyone do that to a innocent child" becomes "how can I protect my child from these animals".

My fears seemed to intensify now that I have just had a new baby. When I see or hear terrible things, I crawl into bed with my children holding on to them as if I am trying to put them back inside of me, where they were safe. Keeping my children out of harms way is my job I tell myself, it is normal. Fear is good, it will keep you on your toes, my head tells me.

What if I have a bad day? What if the worst can and does happen? What if I fail my own babies?



These questions can't be answered. They cannot even linger too long, for fear of losing my sanity. I have to push them back into the darkness.

Instead I will still turn off the television when I hear about children being victimized, I will pray for them in the darkness as I crawl into bed with my children and lay with them.

"I will protect you" I whisper to them. I say it as I hope that no truer words have ever been spoken.

I say it because I have to.

Gross

Things that gross me out about being a mother #43589:
I found a nail clipping from one of my kids in my hair last night.
I had clipped their nails hours before that.

So gross.

Playdates

"Mom, can you help me write something" L said as he carried a blue crayon and a post it into my office.

"sure, what is it that you want to write" I asked.

"Playdate for L" he replied very seriously

I took his small hand in mine and wrote the letters slowly so he understood how each were meant to be written stopping briefly to steal some kisses.

"there, all done" I said
"what did you want to write that for?"

"I want to put it outside so everyone can see it and have a playdate with me"


My heart went into my stomach as I blinked back the tears. "great idea" I said.
He skipped out of the room to show his sister and I started to cry.
Hard.

E and I made a life here, without our family & friends because we had no choice. I joined the local gymboree, the kid's gym, took them to the park, brought them to preschool, all the things good mothers do. The kids made friends, I made acquaintances.

I have no idea how they heard the term "playdate" but I know they want friends to come over, to have someone other then themselves and me to play with. To finally be the one to show off their toys instead of always playing at other people's homes. It made me feel like a failure. I felt like a terrible mother.
I felt like shit.

I know my kids are smart and healthy and will continue to thrive even if they never had a playdate. I know setting up dates to play is a contrived, new idea in motherhood, one that I am not even completely comfortable with.
Still, at the heart of it my son wanted something that I did not provide for him. He wants to put a note on our house so other kids can come and play with him.
Just writing about it makes me want to start crying again. My sweet son.
I want to give him that.
I want to give him everything.