The Birthday Boy

My sweet baby boy,

I was waiting for you.
Your father thought our family was perfect as it was but I knew something was missing. I fought for you. I needed you so badly my heart ached every day, I loved someone I never knew.
You came into this world crying but softly. Suddenly the world was finally in color, colors I never thought existed. The world was finally filled with love and kindness. A bird sang in your ear a melody made just for you.

When you were born I knew you were here to change the world.
I fought for you, a fight that I thought could have ended my marriage- but I knew. I knew you were the missing piece to the simple and at the same time complicated family puzzle.

You are wild like a horse that runs just because it can. You are sweet like a peach on a warm summer day. You are a handful, you just are but there is nobody else I would want my hands full with.

I am so happy I get to be your mother and see the world all over again. I love the song the bird is singing in your ear and I hope it never ends.

Love, Mommy

Toddlers

When we were thinking about having another baby someone should have reminded me of the terrible twos. And threes because threes was no trip to the zoo either.
Someone should have reminded me of how baby loves to ignore "no", loves to touch everything he shouldn't and can basically be a jerk at least 24-59% of every day.

Baby K is into everything. I tricked myself into believing that this small, tiny house would be better for a baby. I will know where he is all the time, no surprises, I told myself.
What a crock.
In reality I know what he is doing all the time and what he is doing is taking out all of my tupperware and throwing my license from my wallet onto the floor (which should be done because what is with that picture? C'mon that DMV lighting is terrible but still WTF? ).

As all moms know you forget the pain and bad times of having a child because if we didn't we would have a society of one children families.
Remember how much that baby hurt coming out of your vagina, dear? The ring of fire? Cutting your entire bod in half to extract that baby? 2 am feedings? POTTY TRAINING??

Of course, we get over the bad times and the sweet child is so worth leaving the house with spit up/peanut butter/pee or baby powder on your clothing for 3-4 years.
My curly haired little one is funny and sweet and a terror sometimes but I wouldn't trade him for the world.
Although I would consider hiring someone to potty train him.


Now where the heck is my toaster oven??

Home Again, Home Again

We are finally moved in to our new home. These are the things that have happened in the past week of interest perhaps only to me, in no particular order other than to give you a glimpse in my silly, strange life:

-went to NH with my mother, baby and brother in law to pack up our big old house into two trucks and came back to NJ to unpack in 2.5 days

-got into a fight with some old dudes

-had a nice talk with a police officer who now lives in Bow NH (our old town) who grew up and lived in E's town, lived on his street and went to his high school in NJ

-I got a job an started today

-took a picture in a photo booth with the above mentioned peeps in a random rest stop in Connecticut

-fit a 4,300 sq foot house's belongings into a 1,200 sq foot house we are currently residing in and by fit I mean the entire basement and garage is filled with boxes and crap

-cannot find important things such as our phone and toaster oven and did people even make toast before toasters? I am debating using my oven as a make shift toaster for my breakfast. We are in code red since Shoprite had Thomas' toasting bread on sale.

-after the above mentioned old people cursed at me I saw an old man shit his pants as my husband, mother and brother in law got right into his face and threatened to lay him out

-drank waaaaaay to much beer

-went into a mission out of a movie to get my cat out of the house complete with rudimentary traps, a hockey stick, gloves, towels and one bakery box

-pissed off my mom on our 5 hour car ride by singing Celine Dion and speaking in a French accent

-finally slept in a bed after 5 weeks of sleeping on blow up mattresses, couches and floors

I am glad to be back, my friends.

The House

I saw the house we will be renting for the first time today and I cried.
It is not an awful house per say, but it is not mine.
The house we moved into with our twins was ours. We bought it and made in our own. It was our first and we were in love.
The house we leased in NH was ours, we thought we were going to be there forever and raise our children and grandchildren in it.
We made plans in it. We had dreams in it.

Now we are renters again and the house is small and ugly like bulldog ugly.
The boys will have to share a room and our bedroom will not fit all of our furniture.
It has one bath.
We have to finish the basement in order to fit our furniture in it. And our "stuff".

I didn't want to cry as I walked into the small kitchen with the teeny oven and no counter space. I felt the tears well up as I looked over the poorly painted walls and the old wooden cabinets. I knew it made E feel bad, as he was the one who picked this house.
I wanted to pick up my purse and turn on my heel right out the front door.
I don't want to pay what I paid on my mortgage for this tiny house, I don't want my kids to have to downsize everything just to "fit" in this home.

I am angry and sad. I want to rage against the machine. I want to scream at the top of my lungs on a mountain top.
I want to live in a home again, not just a house.

But, Tuesday Girl, a house is a house you have to make it your home you will tell me.
I know, I know I will say back to you and pat you on your head.

I do know, but at the same time, I don't want to know anything and just feel what I feel.

Pretty As A Picture

My daughter just turned seven but she has it all. She is smart, really smart and quick witted. She is tall and thin with blond, long hair.
She is fast at making friends. Bring her to any playgroup, playground or party and she will have at least a couple of new friends in 15 minutes flat.
People want to sit with her on the bus. She comes home with phone numbers and play date requests in her book bag weekly.

I always tell my kids how much I love them, how special they are and how pretty they look. I may tell them too much. In fact I know I tell them too much, so in an effort to not have the most conceited daughter in first grade, I focused my praise on her behaviors and showing the beauty on the inside.

One day R comes home from school and tells me how this boy in her class came up to her and told her that he was in love with her. She told this tale with enough disbelief and disgust in her voice to make me laugh.
"What did you say to him when he told you that, R?" I asked.
"I asked him 'what is beauty the only thing that matters to you?'"


Yeah, I may have been a little late with that inner beauty praise thing.

I Still Love You

Hi!
What is wrong with you? You are mad at me?
I know, I know, I haven't been around but I am here now.
Listen, it is not you....it is me, I have been busy so many things going on around here.
You don't believe me? We have been moving, dealing with landlord drama, I have three kids, two of which I am teaching at home until we move into our new place. I am adjusting to E's new work schedule, I have stuff, I just can't come visit every day!

Take it easy, I still love you. I haven't been writing on my other site either.
I am back now, there is no reason to give me the cold shoulder.
You know you love me.

Come on now, lay down here and let me stroke your hair until you fall asleep just like you like. I know you will be back tomorrow.
Don't worry so will I.

Love

I love the color pink. I love hearts and girly things. I love eating by candlelight or next to a fire.
I love homemade cards with lace and glitter, I think telling someone what they mean to you shouldn't be reserved for one day. I love when my husband will just start dancing with me in the kitchen when there is no music on.
I love kissing and hugging, especially my children. I love hot pink pajamas.
I love chocolate and heart shaped pancakes.
I love the idea of love.
I love that sometimes it is so cold it reminds me I am alive.
I am so happy that love can linger on and never die even if your loved one will never come back to return it.
I love hot chocolate in a big mug. I love the first warm day of the year. I love chocolate covered fruit. I love bright pink tulips and the smell of lilacs.
I love how quiet it is when it snows.
I love finding the perfect shell on the beach.
I love how powerful love can be, how it makes you really feel alive.

And not just today, but everyday, I love: love.

Teenagers

Since we are living with my sister in law and her two teenagers for the next few weeks, I need to assimilate to living with teenagers. I vaguely remember being one of these creatures although I remember being fourteen for an entire whole year once!
Terrible.
Since I have six years before I am the parent of teenagers, I am having a crash course and I have to say, I am not a fan.

Things that teenagers do not like to do:
Clean
listen to their parents
admit when they are wrong
wear clean clothing
do chores
listen to anyone
not speak in a whine
clean
speak nicely
talk on the phone and text message other annoying teens
be clean
be nice to their parents or siblings
did I mention they don't like to either clean or be clean?


Things teenagers like to do:
eat
sleep
act like an asshole
think they are the most important person in the world
complain
bitch
fight with their siblings
argue
nothing
take up the whole couch
live in filth
talk back
eat everything and say there is nothing to eat in the house
have an attitude for no reason
change clothes 50 times a day but unable to figure out how to use the washing machine
have friends who are dumb and as obnoxious as they are and who are also assholes

The moral of the story? We are screwed.



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It's Only Half Past The Point Of No Return

This post is not written because I don't want what I have. I love what I have. Sometimes, though, you just remember and smile.


I want to start getting ready to go out a 10pm. I want to listen to the music in my car as loud as I want and not care who is watching me sing and dance.
I wish for the days where I never had to be anywhere at any time and hanging out doing nothing was on the days agenda. Every day.
I want to have a crush. I want to eat a cheeseburger deluxe with fries and gravy on the side at 2am at our diner. I want to eat that after a night filled with too much alcohol and too many cigarettes.
I wish for those nights that were so great you wished they would never end.
I long for those days when everything about each other was new, the passion was endless and being without each other for an hour was unbearable.

I want to eat pizza every night. I want to be as skinny as I was in high school. I want to go to parties every weekend with friends I have had since I was 4. I want my phone to ring at 3am with someone who just wants to talk to me.
I want to have a sleepover. I want a secret admirer.
I want to run until I thought my sides were going to split. I want to dream what my husband is going to look like and where we are going to live. I want to get a note passed to me in class. I want to wear a too-short dress and not care, because I can.

I want to swing on a swing under a full moon and go higher than I have ever gone before.

Wordless Wednesday

Goodbye Snow that hangs out for months. Goodbye house we loved so much.

February

February is like a month chock full of Mondays. I hate it. Last year we moved to NH and left family and friends and maybe even hope behind in NJ. Six years ago my father died. This month, this year we are asking our kids to leave their friends once again and we are moving back to NJ. February is the time of year where I get sick of winter wish for a spring flower to bloom.
Just one.
So yeah, I am not a fan.

I told my husband once February sucks so bad they didn't even give it a full 30 days.

I sit here on the brink of this new month, this new February and I decided the month sucks because I let it. I have the power over my feeling and I can make the best of it or wallow in the terribleness of my memories.
E tells me I don't live in the moment enough, that I am not in "the now".
I completely agree with him.

This month, this year, this life in fact I have decided not to celebrate the deaths, or the failures. I am going to fight back against the demons.
This February I am going to see where life takes me, I am going to embrace change instead of fighting it.
This month I am going to stare out at my snow covered lawn and think of the bright flowers just waiting to bloom under the warm sun.

I can almost smell them already.

Dazed And Confused

This week has been a crazy mess and it is only Thursday. To give you a peek inside my life, I will tell the tales that have me either pissed, confused or bewildered:

-The realtor who is selling this house put a lock box on the door without telling or asking me. I called her told her to taker it off, I don't feel comfortable with it on the door when I am home alone with 3 kids. She said she would. 10 days ago she said she will be over in an hour to take it off.
It is still there.

-I have a rash under one of my boobs. WTH? I have no idea where it came from or why, it resembles a heat rash but it is anything but hot here. Even under my lady lumps. A boob rash and under wire do not go well together.
It hurts. I am alternating powdering my under boob and staring in disbelief at my self in the mirror.

-Really? A John Edwards sex tape? Haven't you put your wife through enough? The lies and the lies about lies, where does it end. I kind of liked John Edwards as a person many years ago when I first heard about him and his family's story. Now I have no respect for him and I can't imagine his family does either. How disgusting.
Nobody wants to see that sex tape anyway. It is probably all about your hair.

-Angelina and Brad? Nope, don't care either.

-Since my kids were turning 7, we decided this Christmas they can get a video game system. Instead they each got a Nintendo Ds and Wii! Secretly after the kids go to be E and I play super Mario Bros. on the Wii into the night.
Under the cover of darkness we play and play and save our progress to continue the next night. We are addicted and since E is away I miss playing with him.

Back Together, Again

I can't live without E anymore. I have turned in three weeks what took six months to torn into last year. Someone I don't recognize, someone who I do not want to be.
I lash out at my children, the stress of being a single parent to three for days and nights on end are weighing on me. I think of doing for my children as a burden not my job and the boredom of being stuck in the house for days and days is terrible. Even baby K is bored. I am quick tempered and it even scares me.

So, we are taking up an offer to stay at a relative's home in NJ while we save a bit and take some time to find a place to live. It is not ideal for anyone and I will have to home school the kids while we are there, but at least we can be together.
E being away isn't just tough on me, I know the kids take it hard too. The money and the commute of 4+ hours every week each way is too much for E also.

In just a couple of days we will pack up what we need for now and move in with family and reconnect with each other. I will be able to appreciate my job as a mother again.
They deserve that and so do I.

Seven

If you could only know how much I love you both, but how could you ever know?
You will never know the real depths of my love, but I can tell you my truths:

I will fight to the death for you. I will fly to the sky and pluck each star out just to give them to you. I would squeeze and kiss you forever and a day.
I would give up my morning coffee for you. I would slay a dragon and then tell silly jokes while holding his still-beating heart in my hand just to make you laugh.
I will buy a remote island and just lay with you on white sand covered beaches. There would be no death or sickness, just joy and happiness to fill our days. There would be endless ice cream with extra cherries and no whipped cream just for you.
I will buy you ponies. I can build you a castle made from candy and live in it forever for you.
I will give up everything I have, just ask me to.

One day I will no longer be on this Earth to tell you how much I love you. But you must never be sad, because I will always be with you.
All you have to do is listen.
When you are old and grey and it is your turn for your spirit to move on, you must not be frightened because you will know I will be there waiting for you.

Just be still.
Be still and listen very closely.
You will hear "Don't be scared, Mommy is here". Maybe you will think you imagined it, maybe you think it was the wind, but know, it will be me.

Maybe then you will know just how much I love you now and forever and ever.

Happy 7th Birthday R & L.

Steal From The Rich To Give To The Poor

I read a story last week that has fascinated me ever since, but of course now I can't find the story to link to. You will just have to rely on my memory.
A NYC cab driver found about 20k and some jewelry left in his cab. Although he was new to this country and not near comfortable financially, he turned the money & jewelry in and would not even take a reward.
He said he was needy not greedy.

It made me think about what I would do in the same circumstance? I know two years ago what I would have done in a heartbeat.
I know I am a good person, I know I help others and have empathy. Honestly though, because these past two years have been so rough and how we have lost everything and have borrowed A LOT of money from family? I may have just kept it.
I don't want to admit that, but I am being honest.

I am sure the guilt would eat me alive and I would be up nights worrying about my karma and what if it was for someones operation or to feed orphans. Maybe I would rationalize that only wealthy people would carry abound such large amounts of cash, and I needed it more than them.
It would make me so miserable that I didn't do the right thing, and that, would be my karma coming back at me.

I want to know what you would honestly do: Would you keep the money and jewels, keep some of it or return it all?

I can tell you one thing, I sure would have taken the reward!

And Life is Like An Hourglass, Glued To The Table

I have written before about how I have an on again- off again relationship with insomnia. It started after my father died and rears its ugly head whenever I have major stress issues. I could keep it at bay my with friend Ambien but no health insurance for a year? No Ambien.

Two weeks ago I decided to have a glass of wine before bed. I love a nice glass of wine once a week or so, but I don't usually have wine in the house anymore because we haven't had extra money for any extras.
That night I slept soundly! "It was the wine!" I yelled to E, the beautiful nectar of sweet, sweet grapes, how I love thee!

Now every night before bed I have a half of a glass of "night, night" juice and it helps tremendously.
The only problem is, if I depend on wine every night to go to bed, I will need more and more and eventually I will be a alcoholic.
This leads to the age old question: Would I rather be an alcoholic or an insomniac?

I will let you know later when I get home from the liquor store.

*********************
Yesterday was de-lurk day and I missed it because I am taking care of three kids, 2 cats, a house and, you know, drinking my wine.
LOTS of people visit this blog every day but why so few comments?
Leave a comment today and say hi, or ask me a question anything you want to know.
Tell me what your favorite show is or what kind of bra you are wearing.
Just gimme something!

Wordless Wednesday

This has in no way been reanacted, this is how I found the poor baby. It was a sad state of affairs.

Back, Again

When it comes to improvement everyone will tell you to always go forward, never backward. So how come I sit here in the exact same position I was January 2009?
I am here in NH while my husband is away working and trying to find us a place to live.
It is like a terrible groundhog day movie.

It feel like we haven't moved forward at all, but backward in life. Of course I feel lonely here in NH without him, but I really feel bad for my kids. It takes a toll on them with him away so often. Especially baby K whose favorite person in the world is Daddy.
Really, he could care less about me, he wants to be by Daddy every minute of the day, he is who he asks for the minute he wakes up and the person he wants to put him to bed. Daddy hung the Moon and the rest of us are just props in the sky.

This is the time when I get stressed out with regular life trying to be everything to everyone in this house without anyone to complain to at night.
I have been here before, last year I stayed with the kids for 6 months while E was away.
It is hard to stay positive when I know exactly what is coming my way, but hey, at least this time I know what I am up against.

The Bird Lady

My mom is becoming a bird lady.

It started innocently enough, with her 2 cats, who like to look at birds. She has a screened in porch which is the perfect place for her kitties to lick their lips thinking about how great that blue jay is going to taste and planning their great escape.
Except it never happens so they sit on the porch and just imagine what chipmunks and wild birds taste like (chicken!).

To please her fur babies she bought a deluxe bird feeder for the back yard.
Not the wimpy kind I have that is filled with generic seed. Nope, my mom bought the fancy one you see in the air mall catalog.
If that wasn't enough, she now frequents a local wild bird store and purchases high end bird seed!
I actually saw a member card for this store in her wallet last month! She is on the frequent flyer program (ba dum dum)!

It is not bad enough she is wasting all of my inheritance on high priced seeds but now she has added another deluxe feeder plus a hummingbird feeder to her arsenal.
She is so happy feeding the birds in winter!
If my mom died feeding them they would peck the seed right off her body, poop on her bod and then take her hair to make a nice nest.
They don't care.

I hate to remind her that these cats won't be taking care of her either when she is old enough to be taken care of.
When we wheel her in to her low rent, scary nursing home and she looks at me with fear in her eyes and tells me she is scared, I will just pat her hand and whisper in her ear "I know, this place is for the birds".

Change

With all of the turmoil 2008 brought us, last year when we moved to NH I decided to make some changes. It was the perfect time.
I was going to reinvent myself.
If I wanted change in my life, then something had to change in my life.

I got it. I owned it.

I decided to step out of my comfort zone. I decided to do something that made me uncomfortable but one that I thought would make a positive change in my life.
I joined a mommy group
I made new friends
I went to MN alone to visit General Mills at their invite
I jumped off a 24 foot cliff
I cut my hair off


I was proud of myself. I am proud of myself.


Now we are moving again. there is time for me to reinvent myself again. I will try not to interject other people's stories with my related tales.
I will listen more. I will remember my kids are little for so little time, I will consciously enjoy them more.
I will help my husband financially support our family. I will not pass judgement on others.

Not resolutions. No, these are positive changes that I invite into my life. I want change at the same time that I despise it, but it must come.

And come it will.