Thursday, January 15, 2009

And The World Spins Madly On

Are you sick of my whining yet? This is not something I am writing so I can get sympathy comments, this is for my own catharsis.

My patience and my mental health have never been tested so much as it has been for the last few weeks. I feel like I am drowning and there is nobody on the shore to save me. I feel like just when I think one more thing cannot be added to my plate, something appears. This tooth pain and the fact I either have to pony up 3K to fix it or pull it, on top of three sick, kids all at different times and sometimes together is making me crazy.

The toll of being the only caregiver to these three children for the past four and a half months has set in. I feel like I cannot form thoughts, I am forgetful, I feel like I yell at the kids more often and I feel guilty for not having the time to spend with the baby like I did with R & L.
I feel fat and ugly.
I can't take care of myself, I am stress eating.

I have told E I am drowning but his response is "what can I do? Hang in there it is only a little longer".
I am worried this will not end when the moving truck comes, that these feelings, the rippling effect of my falling deep into the water, will continue.
And I will fall silently to the bottom.

Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still


  1. I agree, it sucks. Can you hire/get some help? That's usually my solution. It might mean I have to give up something else to pay for it, but it's worth it.

  2. I have no real advice other than to say I understand because I recall feeling these same things when my husband was - while home - always working so we never saw him and he couldn't participate in daily home activities because of his schedule. I hope that you're all together soon, and that maybe you can then (if not sooner, somehow) take some time for yourself and get regrouped, or talk to someone if you feel you need additional help.

  3. Im sorry :(

    So very stressful, and not much better when you get "what can I do? It wont be much longer" Of course you KNEW he cant do anything and you KNOW how much longer it is, but you wanted him to understand.

    Im sure most of us here understand. Lean on us. You WILL get through this

  4. I feel this way sometimes too....just hang in there. the shore will be here soon enough!

    and your "baby"?!!! Good Lord, he IS a toddler!!! When the hell did that happen? ;)

  5. Anonymous5:13 PM

    Instead of being all consumed with what "you don't have" - think of all the things you do have. People get into a pattern of self pity and why me. How about taking ownership of who you are and making changes for the positive. Time to be a grownup. There are a lot more difficult things than being home with your kids. Appreciate it - if not - go out and get a job. You will surely appreciate it then. Make changes for the better - only you can do that for yourself and your family. Stop blaming others - look inside. Happy New Year!

  6. suck, suck, does.

  7. I go through this ... try to seriously GET OUT for awhile.

    A day out doing nothing - you don't have to spend money ... take a walk around the mall (indoors if its cold where you are - if it's warm then WALK outside)! ALONE TIME DOES HEAL these feelings. Walking will do WONDERS but you need more than 20 minutes ... you need a whole day and evening to yourself and NOT to run ERRANDS - screw them for a WHOLE DAY. Is there a friend with whom you can swap sleepovers nights with?

  8. Anonymous, I really hate when people chose to be anonymous get some balls.
    I prefaced this post saying this is for me, not looking for you to feel bad about me. I have no friends or family where I live. I am with my kids all day. I see another grownup for 48 hours at most for 5 months now. It is a lot to take and it is hard.
    Hot having any help at all is "what I don't have" I am not crying about not having an inground pool or diamonds, lets put it into perspective.
    I am trying to be positive, BUT I am allowed to have a breakdown or two in life and if you don't want to read about it, don't come back here.

  9. It always comes in waves, big, giant, tidal size waves. Get an innertube and hang on for dear life...this too shall pass.

    In the meantime, I'm sending cyber hugs bc I know that horrible drowning feeling. *hugs*

  10. While the things you have to deal with on a regular basis are truly not ideal, tackling them along with any physical pain (teeth) is SO MUCH WORSE.

    I do hope once you move things will calm down for your mind. Feeling alone is such a huge component.

    Thinking of you!

  11. A few breathing exercises could help. Also walking--load up the stroller and go. Got music try dancing?

  12. Anonymous6:05 AM

    Why are you looking for help? Get out and help yourself. Stop waiting for someone to help you. It is always easy to listen to comments from those that are giving you what you want to hear. It is always difficult to listen to maybe comments that are true. This is where the listening and learning come in. Try listening to the truth - only than can you enact change and make changes for yourself that will make you happy. Only you can help yourself, stop waiting around for others to help you. Food for thought. There are many free groups to meet with other adults, & yes you can bring your children.

  13. The only person I am asking for help is my husband- my parnter in marriage and in parenthood. I am not going to try and find a free group to bring my kids to when I have 2 week here and I have to plan a party, pack my entire house, bring my kids to various dr/dentist appointments/and do a million other things I have to do before we leave.
    Again, I wrote this for myself, not for anything else, and maybe you shouldn't read this blog if you don't like how I am handleing the enormous amount of stress I am under now.
    Als don't be so cowardly and write under anonymous, it is really weak.

  14. Moving alone is a mind numbingly stressful process that makes me want to stick a fork in my eye. Add everything else that you have going, wow. A mini breakdown is to be expected. And of course you will get through it but that doesn't erase that it sucks right now.

  15. wow, just what you needed, a nasty anonymous poster.


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