My Dear Sweet Oldest Child

Dear L,
When we found out that twin A was a boy, my heart skipped a beat. I didn't know how much I wanted a boy, a son, until that very moment. I looked up from the table I was lying on at your father and saw he as well had wanted a son. Perhaps he never knew as much either, but his tears told me all I needed to know.
You were a challenge as a baby, hard to get to sleep, never stayed asleep, you needed certain routines and if we strayed from them we paid for it. You were always a sweet boy. You needed me as much as I you.

You love your twin sister, you need her. She is your stabilizer, she is the sun to your Earth. I see now that you are five that you are breaking away from her, finding your own independence, scouring the universe for other suns.
This makes me proud because you are your own person now, a boy of five not only R's twin brother. It also makes me sad, bittersweet really, because I can't picture you out in the world by yourself trying to navigate its difficult terrain without your twin sister by your side.
But you must.

As I see you now getting on the bus every day for your first year of your school career, sitting next to your sister I am proud of who you are already. I can't wait to see who you will become on your own.
I know that the time for you to flourish is sooner rather than later, I know this because when the bus lets you off in front of our house, I see that you are staring into the sky perhaps looking for where this big world will take you next.
On that trip home R is not next to you on that seat for on the way home, you sit alone.