The Spot

It is what gets you there.
It's the vavavoom.
It is your no-nonsense-no-backing-out-now-weak-in-the-knees "thing".
You know what it is but you never let a new partner know.
"He will figure it out on his own, and if he doesn't maybe he isn't right for me" you tell yourself.

And when he finds it on his own, it is fantastic. But, if he visits often, it is not good. "Less is more" you remind him.

It gets you hot, it keeps you hot, it is oh-so-very-hot.
Once E hits my spot, I want more, he can get me to say yes to anything, well almost anything.

I know you want to know, but don't make me share alone. My spot is the neck, slightly up from the nape and it is good.

Unpacking

When you move to a new place, it is hard the first couple of weeks, or in our case months, to live out of boxes. Trying to find what you are looking for.
Trying to remember where you packed what. Let's face it, it sucks

Our situation may prove to be more difficult.
Case in point, this was in a single box I had the pleasure of openeing yesterday that was generically labeled "kitchen":

5 different baby soaps

1 pink kitchen towel which is assumed to be clean because I can't add one more thing to my wash pile

various pieces of silverware

1 cordless phone base

4 tupperware lids, their mates are unknown

A precious moments statue I received for my high school graduation from my high school boyfriend

1 wine goblet

1 disposable spoon and 3 disposable knives

1 watch given to my husband by his girlfriend who is now his wife


So you can see, unpacking is going along swell.

Hey, remember when we talked about this? Well, go on over to my other site and enter to win a copy of a really great book I just reviewed.

A Life Given And One Restored

Having a baby again has awakened a part of me that sat dormant for years. Yes, I have two children who are now six and they have taken me to a whole new level of motherhood and parenting and just who are these people with their own thoughts and ideas?

The baby though, is so wonderful. He wants to touch everything. He wants to experience everything. It is so basic and raw I marvel at it.
I pick him up from his crib and although his eyes are barely open, he reaches for the bird on his wall. When I carry him around the house he stretches to touch the the sconces, the light switches, the loaf of bread on top of the refrigerator.
He wants to push the buttons on the phone, to sip from the cup I use.

He no longer wants to be a spectator at life, he wants to be a participant. He does not want to be in the walker, he wants to get out and push the walker, "look, he says, I am moving things with my own will, I can go places alone, I can put things where I want them! I am climbing the stairs like I have done in a hundred times, en though I have only been alive for 331 days, I am forging my own trail and the sky is the limit."

"Let me touch this mom" he says "I want to experience the sounds, the feeling, some things are soft and some things are cold, others are warm, I love to feel it all."
Everything is met with a serous look and then a smile. He is learning with every minute that passes, with everything he comes in contact with.

"I want to let you touch everything, little one." "I want to be the one to see your face when you see the snow for the first time, when you feel the bright green grass under your toes, when you experience what it is like to have sand slipping through your chubby fingers.
I want to life you high over my head just like in The Lion King and declare to the world This is my son and he is an amazing human being, he will change this world in so many ways and he will make it a better place. Then, I will whisper to you: this is your world, be kind to it and kindness will return to you, learn from it and never take it for granted, my love."

"I will be here when you feel the joy and sadness of your first love, I will be cheering for you when you hit your first home run, I will be loving you from a distance where ever this amazing life takes you."
"For now, little one, take my hand so I can steady you as you and I explore this wondrous world, it will not be long now when you don't need a steady hand any longer, but if you look behind you I will always be there to catch you."

Always.

I Am Going To Make It Through This Year If It Kills Me

I am sure many of you who have been reading this blog for the past few months are sick of my whining. I may have come off like I hate my life. I do not.
It has been a hard six months- the hardest thing I have ever done actually. Couple that with financial worries, selling our house (we finally had an offer but had to short sale the house because we had to lower the price so much we didn't want to owe money on a house we didn't own) having NO health insurance now that we moved to a new house in a new state and I think I am entitled to a bad month. Or two. Or four.

February is the worst month of the year for me. I get into my winter blues and can't seem to shake them. It would make a great time of year to go on vacation, if I had the means and this year I do not.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel though. E and I are living under one roof and shared parenting is such a treat. I seriously do not know how single parents do it. Do. Not. Know.
We can start to fix our credit that took a huge hit with E losing his job, and having to do the short sale of our house. We can make more money with E's new job but it will just take a year or two to see the financial rewards. My kids seem happy here.
We have gone down the dark roads, and now the sun has started to creep up on our horizon.

It will be good.

This has been my mantra for the past six months and will continue to be. I hope it can help you get through a hard day, month or year when you need it too:

My Journey

Goodbye New Jersey. The George Washington bridge fascinates me every time I drive on it. I never stop being amazed by it. I always remember what my father told me when I was learning to drive "Always take the upper level" not too profound but has given me lots of amazing views over the years.



Snow through Massachusetts




Not my exit so don't try to come and kill me. I will invite you over for tea if you are in the area though. You must bring bagels.





The view out of my master bath windows. It is beautiful



The view out of the front of the house




My street



Signs of civilization!

Love

This weekend is reserved to remind the people in my house what they mean to me.
Last year, this is what I had to say about Love.

Off Limits Blogging

There are some things I decided not to do when I started this blog a million years ago. I did not want to use our names, I do not want to post pictures of my kid's faces and that is about it.
Usually I will write about any subject: death, vibrators, trying to date a mom, but I really can't think of anything I will not write about on this blog.

What subject(s) will you never touch on your blogs and why? I am really excited to read your answers!

This One Exchange Explains A Lot

"Remember when you came home from elementary school and told me you would never trade your lunch with someone else because I made it?" my mom asked me.

"yes, in fact I would never trade my lunch or snack because I just pictured you in the morning making my sandwich and that you picked out what you wanted me to eat at the store, and Daddy works so hard to have money to buy the groceries, I always felt to guilty to trade my food with anyone"

"even if someone else had something better?"

"yes, just the thought would bring tears to my eyes."
"I also would never try drugs because I thought that what if I was that rare person who had a reaction and died right on the spot. I didn't want you and Daddy to think I was a drug user and nobody would be there to tell you, it was only one try!"

My mom: "that's a shame"

AND we Tipped Them On Top Of It

Okay, so I moved, it was hard and now I am somewhere new and blah, blah, blah. I am sure you are as sick of reading about my move as I am about writing.
Indulge me in one more story about my move that I think is hilarious and so very embarrassing.

E hired movers to move our stuff separately from the truck rental. They came on time and did a good job and everything was fine.
Until they came up to the master bedroom to take apart my dresser to move it. They took out the drawers and I left the room to find a bag or box to put my remaining clothes in it: my bras and underwear. By he time I came back, they drawers were gone, they had moved them with my bras and underwear in them. Embarrassing but not so bad.

Then they moved on to my side tables, again I was getting a box to put the two vibrators that were huge and colorful and did naughty things and was given to me at my bachlorette party and never used but ended up somewhere in the back of something until E decided just to throw them in my bedside table. The movers lifted the table, heard something rattle inside and opened the drawer, saw the vibrators and quickly shut it, while I died silently on the inside and crawled under my bed.

Don't even get me started on how I had E commandeer the tables before his uncle or cousins unpacked them and got the same peek.
Speaking of peeks, we have no blinds on any rooms in this house and although we are very secluded here, there are still cars that pass and I can see one house from my master bedroom, so I will accept your thank-yous NH for the free show.
Your welcome.

New Days

New Hampshire is pretty if you like the snow, which I usually like when it is falling and the stars are twinkling and everyone is cozy in the house with comfort foods and peaceful. In NJ the snow usually melts in a few days and everyone goes about their business. I can say with the amount of snow here in NH, I should be able to see the grass in May. It is pretty, when you don't have to shovel it.

The house is beautiful and E and his family have done so much to update it and make it nice for our family. The people so far have been friendly and I am getting to know the lay of the land a little bit. Everything is so spread out, it is hard to find things.
The kids like school so far, although R wanted to know why her new friend says "cah" instead of car.
That's my girl.

I have to download some pictures when I get a second and find the appropriate wires, which may in fact be days from now.
I have other, more pressing business right now like wonder why there are no toilet paper holders in any of the bathrooms and figure out what all of these light switches are for and also where could my dust busters be hiding because these crumbs all over this house are not going to clean themselves.

Snow, Snow, Snow

We made it to NH. Some of our stuff did not and E will have to go back for it in a couple of weeks. All of our junk just did not fit into the truck E rented and we had to leave it, so don't rob me while I am gone because I need L's clothes, My vacuum and my GPS plug.

I am slightly overwhelmed about what there is left to do, the size of the snow banks and about the size of the house I know have to keep. All good stuff though.; I will post a better update soon, I still do not have my computer hooked up yet, (is it even in NJ I wonder?) and I am at E's office trying to catch up on emails.


Oh yeah, and the kids and I have no boots and did I mention the amount of snow?
The End.

The Final Countdown

I am sentimental.
I save everything, I try to relive memories by holding on to things, even though I know it is "just stuff". the memories will be there even if the stuff is not.
I have gotten better over the last few years, but still have a ways to go.
I hate change.
I stiffen at the thought of new things, new places to live. Instead of thinking of it as a learning exercise, I reject it.
I know that new experiences are what let you grow. Somebody tell my heart that.
I will miss this house, the first we ever bought, the only one my children have known the the one I brought my baby home from the hospital to.
I will miss my dad, who I feel like I am abandoning, even though I know that is ridiculous.

***************************************

I loved growing up in New Jersey. I lived 15 minutes from NYC and I had the best of both worlds, living in the suburbs and partying in NYC. I love the Jersey shore, the mountains, the diners, the variety of amazing foods, the fact that no store is ever more than 15 minutes away.
Sure it is fun to joke about NJ and the big 80s hair, the accent, the Sopranos, but NJ is like your sibling, only you can make fun of it, when someone else does, watch out.
There are things I don't like about New Jersey like the congestion, the traffic, the high tolls and taxes.
I will miss you New Jersey, you were good to me, but I won't be that far away from you and I promise to visit often.
How else am I going to get a decent bagel?

Grandma

Things I am thinking about today:

Am I the only person who thinks it is strange that in about 30 years or so there are going to be A LOT of grandmas with fake boobs? There is just soemthing so wrong about a grandma with big, fake breasts and a old, wrinkled everything else.
Well, maybe not for grandpa.

Speaking of grandmas, once my grandmother was on a ladder and she asked me to hold the ladder. I walked over and looked up to see what she was doing and caught a glimse of her pubic hair.
So. Not. Good.
Something I try not to relive, but every once in awhile I remember.
Wowza.

Moving On Up

I really needed to hear a lecture on how to make my baby sleep through the night and how I should put him to sleep at night from a nurse practitioner at 9am this morning like I need a hole in my head.
Why must the nurse practitioner also decide that would be a good time to lecture me about vaccinations, when she didn't even look at my children's charts to see what schedule they are on?

Really, she shouldn't have messed with me so early in the morning, after I gave her the warning "look" and before I had any time to ingest coffee, shower or be alert. She got what she deserved. A lecture every time I step into that office from a different nurse is something I can't wait to live without.


This weekend was filled with a flurry of events, my children were invited to a bowling party, we packed and packed, and on Sunday they had a awesome party with their friends from school and another party with my family.
We said goodbye to my family and are prepared to move this weekend.
Deep breath, I am ready to move already.
It will be nice to live with my husband again, 5+ months is a long time with three kids.
I promise to document my move, either on video or with pictures.

Now, please say a prayer all of our stuff fits into the truck, sweet lord!

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

My baby has decided that child development experts are correct, 10 months is exactly the right age to form a separation anxiety.
He wouldn't let me put him down yesterday at all, he cried when he was in his high chair and I left the room, he cried when it was nap time, he cried when I went to the bathroom.
I basically sat on the living room floor all day while he sat on my lap. Occasionally he was adventurous and would crawl a few feet away, only to crawl back after a minute or two. It is the strangest thing.
Last night after THREE glorious hours of trying to put him to sleep only to have him wake up the second I put him down in his crib, I just let him sleep in the bed with me.
Three hours is my limit.

I have been a bad commenter lately, I know, but I am reading your blogs and I will be back in action after we move next week.
Hopefully I will document our move with pictures and/or video for you guys. I promise to show you the strange thing I have in my bed side table before I pack it too!


I can offer you this today, here is a picture of all of our garbage after Christmas:


next time we have people over for Christmas we must have them take their garbage home with them. This pile took over my garage.
Sorry Earth.

Love, Mom

Today my dear, sweet, first babies are six years old.
These past 30 days have been tough, really tough, but I stayed here for this, so they can have their birthday party at school and one this weekend for their friends.
They have had a big year, they gained a new brother, they started kindergarten, they have to move to a new home in a new state.
When I look at them now, I am starting to see big kids, not the babies they once were.
The baby fat from their cheeks have gone, their dimples on their hands have been replaced by knuckles. They build complex things with K'Nex, they draw things even I would not attempt. They are hungry for knowledge, they want to know about the plants, the continents and who lives on them, who, what, when, where and how and they want the answers now.


The other night snow had started to fall for the first time this winter and my kids rushed to the window. Their little faces were glistening from the street light, they were in heaven. "Mommy! It is so beautiful!"
They were so happy to see snow, they were just content to watch some snow fall from the sky.
I wondered at what age does the snow lose its amazement?
When do we start to see the snow as a nuisance rather than appreciate its beauty like when we were six?

R and L, I am always amazed by your beauty inside and out. You are wonderful people and I am grateful every day to be your mother. Thank you for making everything in my life brighter and showing me that everything, even snow falling, has beauty and grace.

I need a Weekend Do-Over

This weekend was supposed to be about reconnecting with my husband, a visit to say goodbye to my friends and packing, packing, packing.
Well, at least I got to see my friends (which was so much fun).

Yesterday at 6:15 am we both heard the baby crying. E went in to get him and I went to the bathroom. I heard a loud noise that sounded like it was the heat but MUCH louder. I went downstairs with E and the baby to find that a pipe had burst in our mudroom from the cold. Water was in the mudroom and the family room.
It was the indoor pool I had always wanted!
Fun times!

E tried all day, ALL DAY to fix the pipe, and it still is not fixed today. He would fix one crack only to have another sprout up. It was a harder project then he thought.
He gave u at 8pm and went to bed because, guess what? He has the FLU.
SO, not only do I have L with a fever and a cough, and baby K with a runny nose and a bad case of the cranks, I have E with the flu and now R has a cough and a fever.
I am on no sleep and it is a matter of time before I get sick too.
We still have no water, my house looks like a bomb hit it and I only packed 1/2 of a box this weekend.

I can only laugh about this because really, what else can go wrong?
And how was your weekend?

And The World Spins Madly On

Are you sick of my whining yet? This is not something I am writing so I can get sympathy comments, this is for my own catharsis.

My patience and my mental health have never been tested so much as it has been for the last few weeks. I feel like I am drowning and there is nobody on the shore to save me. I feel like just when I think one more thing cannot be added to my plate, something appears. This tooth pain and the fact I either have to pony up 3K to fix it or pull it, on top of three sick, kids all at different times and sometimes together is making me crazy.

The toll of being the only caregiver to these three children for the past four and a half months has set in. I feel like I cannot form thoughts, I am forgetful, I feel like I yell at the kids more often and I feel guilty for not having the time to spend with the baby like I did with R & L.
I feel fat and ugly.
I can't take care of myself, I am stress eating.

I have told E I am drowning but his response is "what can I do? Hang in there it is only a little longer".
I am worried this will not end when the moving truck comes, that these feelings, the rippling effect of my falling deep into the water, will continue.
And I will fall silently to the bottom.



Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Anti-Dentite

This weekend was so super awesome. I spent it writhing in pain over a tooth I had cracked a couple of months ago. Not wanting to put my family in any more financial dept and not having dental anymore, I chose to ignore it until I had the money to get it fixed.
It decided it wanted to be fixed now, because I cannot open my mouth more than a couple of inches and the pain is, well, terrible.
On a positive note: can't open mouth= crash diet!

So today I will be at an emergency dentist appointment while my neighbors watch baby K and my twins are in school. There goes the nap I scheduled at 3 am when K decided 2-4am would be a fun time to play!
Pray that I don't' get molested (did I ever tell you about my old dentist who was caught fondling women in the "chair'? If I get felt up, during ANY doctor's visit, I expect that visit to be free. Bottom line)

It is perfect timing though because it is delurking day. My hits to comment ratio is just not right, so I know you are there but I need more from you. This is a symbiotic relationship.
In lieu of food I will take some comments, so delurk now.

Is This Week Over Yet?

I am rocking this moving thing. Here is my contribution to the move that takes place in three weeks:


People, that there is TWO boxes full of great junk I want to take with me. Specifically a box of cookbooks and a box of table linens that I have used maybe 1 time in my married life.
My goal this week is to pack TWO more boxes of various sizes.
I aim high.


K's new ability to stand upright by himself affords him the time to take up new hobbies like cooking.

Here you see him whipping up a lobster risotto with a side of steamed asparagus with a hollandaise sauce.
It was delish!




Chef Wolfgang Poop even does the dishes!