To Stay Or Go?

It is a funny thing about this blogging, these days I don't have it in me. When a blogger I love quits blogging and complains about life getting in the way I usually get mad. How much effort does blogging really take after all?
Now with my new job (love!) and settling back in NJ near all of my family and friends life has gotten in my way too.

I am busy and I am not complaining. I love my new job and my boss (who is BFFs with a reality TV star and by proxy I am getting to know- which is wierd). My kids are great but they keep me busy with playdates, school work and making sure their days are filled with memories of a good mom. E loves his new job and is doing so well- just like we knew he would.

I started this blog to journal my days as a stay-at-home mom to my new twins. Now 6 years and one more kid later- I wonder where I am going with this blog.

I hope I stay, even if it is a little more effort on my part because I do enjoy it and my friends I have met doing it.

Let's see my friends, where shall I go next?

Time

I remember the dream clearly. When I finally awoke from one nightmare and into another, I had been crying for some time.
Begging him to know, to understand how much I love him. How he was the best, and that was not something that people just said- I meant it with every ounce of energy in my being.

Sometimes words aren't enough. I couldn't find words in the English language to express it- no one had invented it yet.

"I am sorry he told me, but you don't need me- I didn't teach you anyway, you were the teacher."
How can that be? Every single day I extract words and thoughts and lessons from you and bring them into my own consciousness.

"Then aren't they yours all along, just now you are ready to accept them?"

If you weren't good, or better than good then why is there a gaping hole in my body where my heart used to beat? Why does it feel okay to give up? Why would a good person, a truly great man just go while others, less men, bad people stay?

"I don't know. There are no words. They haven't been invented yet.
As for memories and lessons they will stay as long as you let them in to remain. Teach your children well.
Be generous with your time and love. Family is always number one. Don't cry for me, I don't deserve it. I wish I had given you more. Of everything." he replied.

I wished he had given me more of everything too.
But time is a bitch and she comes calling to all of us sooner or later.
What will you leave as your mark?

E

I met E at work. I swore I would never date a co-worker again but E had a different idea. I went over his house once and from that day on we have been together.

When I met E he wore tight jeans and had a beard. I told him I didn't like beards and the next day it was gone.
He couldn't keep a secret and wore work boots every day.

Still I fell for him and a month later I was sure one day I would marry him.
Four years later I did just that.


His jeans are looser now and the beard never made another apperance. We are older and slightly wiser.
He loves me as much as he did that first night I visited him.

I love him even more.
Happy Birthday E, I can't wait for the next 40.
Together.

Health

Well, that was an experience.

On a trip for a routine physical for the school our new pediatrician noticed L was wheezing and gave him some meds. Then some more and more even. When nothing worked they told E to go straight to the emergency room with him. That was last Wednesday and he finally came home yesterday morning.
Thank goodness he is all better and just has to follow up with the doctor next week. That was one of the scariest "parenting" times I have had these past seven years.
The first night we were in the hospital as L finally slept, I sat in the corner and cried. I cried for the parents who had to be in a hospital with kids much more sick than L, I cried for the parents who left without their little ones and I cried for my baby- that he would only get better not worse.
It is hard being a parent and these stressful, hard times are only made easier remembering that health is the most important thing in our lives. As long as we are all healthy in my little family, everything else can be dealt with and we can be happy.

Update

I am sorry I haven't updated in awhile. My 7 year old son had an asthma attack that was so severe he has been in the hospital since Wednesday. He is doing much better and should be able to go home tomorrow.
His twin sister and baby brother miss him so much. E and I have been shuffling them back and forth with family so we can stay with L in the hospital all the time.
This was very scary since he was never diagnosed with asthma.
I will be back soon with hopefully, a great update.

Happy Easter!