Open Letters to God

Dear God,
Why can't I poop? Ever?
Love, Tuesday

Dear God,

Why is Kanye so bitter? He is famous, rich and told people the truth about Bush. He can even sing with his jaw wired shut! Why does he want a silly moon man trophy so bad, doesn't he have it all?
Please cheer him up.
Love, Tuesday

Dear God,
Why does my daughter talk oh so very much? She just never stops talking God. Is this a punishment for that caramel I stole from the pharmacy down the street when I was 7? Because you know, I never ate that caramel God, I was so guilt ridden.
Is it because I lie about my age when I take surveys? I never thought it really mattered to check a box below the age group box I am really in. Everyone lies about their age.
Anywhooooo, Can you make my daughter quiet down a little, like maybe she can only talk 15 hours of the day instead of 19?
Thank you!
Love, Tuesday