Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Where I Am Now.

I often wonder if most people are like me, constantly examining where they are in their lives?
Am I where I should be? Am I content? Do I do things differently from now on?

Being honest with myself, I stayed a stay at home mom for too long. I needed something else to occupy my time and brain. I thought being home with the kids 24/7 was what they needed but what about what I needed?

I like where I am right now, I am working great hours, just got a raise, being with my kids after school/camp, lost a good amount of weight and although E says I am too hard on myself, I still promise myself before I fall asleep every night to be a better mom and wife tomorrow.
Why do I still have no patience with the twins fighting with each other? Why do I yell so much? Why raise my voice when I don"t have to?

I try. That is all I can ask of myself and the only reason my self doubt doesn't evolve into self loathing.

I hate cooking in this kitchen and I figured it out- it is because this kitchen sucks. It is small and has no dishwasher. There is no counter space.
All of my top of the line, stainless steel appliances are in the garage collecting dust as I try to bake cookies, 6 at a time in my tiny stupid oven.

I love to cook and bake and it frustrates me I have no room for groceries and no counter space to speak of. Cooking doesn't bring me joy anymore- it is a daily chore now.
I get that I am only punishing myself and my kids by not cooking anymore and I think of great chefs who cook in TEENY kitchens in NYC.

I promise to try more for my family. To not get too upset when I decided to just "prepare" dinner instead of making dinner. I won't put too much pressure on myself.
It is all I can ask of myself, enough to be happy but keep the loathing at bay.


  1. I feel for you, really I do, though a small part of me wishes I could wallow in your misery for awhile. I WISH I had ANY kitchen. And the hopes of having one are dimming...

    You do have reason to be upset about the craptastic kitchen. I hope you can either find the silver lining in it all, or that circumstances improve and you get yourself a bigger kitchen SOON.

  2. I understand, I came very close to never having a kitchen.
    The sentiment was more about trying to push through the discontent and getting back into my flow.

  3. This is something I've been struggling with a bit, too. I've been home with the kids for quite some time, and I love it (even if I have to remind myself of that on days when my voice has raised or I've walked through the hours exhausted), but, clearly, we've reached the point here where I don't necessarily *have* to be a SHM, but I'm struggling with what I want to do now, and coming up with no answers. I appreciate the fact I have a part time job that allows me to be home for my kids on weekends and the evenings (my husband is gone a great deal) and helps contribute a bit to the household, but there are days when I wonder if it's enough for any of us.

  4. It's not just you - I'm constantly examining my life too.

  5. I completely understand. We just moved in to my parents in law house temporarily. We have to live with their rules. Made plans to cook something healthy for family and the kitchen is too small and crowded. I can't even cook because my parents always walking around the kitchen. I feel guilty of feeding my son fast food most of the time. Can't wait to move out *sighs*

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  7. Well, You do have reason to be upset about the craptastic kitchen.


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