Lights go out and I can't be saved, Tides That I Tried To Swim Against

It is just a house, it is just a house, just four walls and a roof.
This house though, is what made it okay to leave what I knew and try a chance at a new life in a new state.

We saw this house when E decided he should take a job with his cousin and move up here since after hundreds of interviews there were no job offers in New Jersey. The owners had the house on the market for years, It was old, and needed a lot of work done, some TLC and some vision of what it could be. The owners were desperate, we made a deal with them and E's cousin to lease this house with the option to buy as soon as we could.

The house needed a lot and it would cost a lot to heat but the kids would each have their own big bedrooms and the bathrooms were enormous. Plenty of room for my visiting family to stay and a playroom that was spacious and perfect for three kids who would want their own "space" away from their parents in the blink of an eye.

Now the owners told us they have to put the house on the market breaking all deals with us and not returning our calls. We were paying the mortgage and taxes on this house, the company is not doing well, E took a second job that is not doing well at all and we can't pay the high taxes as well as the high rent.
As I type this I am waiting for their real estate agent to come in and start putting our lives on hold again.

We put SO much time and money into this house already, money we didn't have. E & his family spent months painting this house, refinishing the terrible wood floor, putting up blinds and a new counter in the kitchen and they want to cash in on all of our hard work and leave us on the street.


We have nothing.
Nothing.

Can you imagine that for a second?

I appreciate your kind comments and sweet emails.
I want to hang in there, I want to believe we are good parents, but I don't.
Good parents have a house for their kids to live in.
Good parents don't disappoint their kids and let them down. Good parents don't fuck up every decision they make.

We don't know where to go, to try and stay or pack it all back in for NJ?

The questions are endless and my mind spins only calmed by the sleeping pills I have to take just to get to sleep every night.
Even they are not dependable anymore.
The only thing I can depend on is feeling like a failure, like a worthless person who can't even get a job interview to help her family from falling into the cracks.

Every month goes by and I have hopes bigger than the last month.
This month the calls will come with job interviews.
This time we will catch a break finally. If we just hope something will come through. We worked so hard, it has to pay off soon, maybe by the end of the week.....
And the days turn into weeks, that turn into seasons and nothing has improved in two long years.

I have to be honest, I don't have much hope or positive energy left in me. I am tired. So very, very tired.

I just want to give up.