Planning

I am a planner.
I like to make plans and lists. I like to know what I am going to serve for Christmas dinner in October.
I worry about what birthday gifts would be perfect for my kids months before their birthday.
I like to know where I am going to be, how long I will be there and exactly what route to take to get home.

The past few years have tested my planning capabilities. It is hard to plan for Christmas dinner if you don't know where you will be, or how much money you will have to spend for food that week.
It has tested my patience and my faith.

I decided when we moved to NH that I will reinvent myself. I would lose my bad habits and be open to change.
Change is usually not a word in my vocabulary. I hate change.
I made a pact with myself to do things that were outside of my comfort zone once a month. I have kept that promise to myself did so by doing things like joining a MOMs group here, jumping off a 25 foot cliff in Colorado, going to a blog event without knowing anyone and putting myself out there more.

Still, I feel unsure of myself and my life. There is something to be said about letting life take you away without any plans but I think that is a life better suited for single people. When you have kids you have to plan.

I have no idea why life is testing my faith, marriage, trust and children this way. Still I am open to what is to come, even though that comes with deep sadness and complete fear of the unknown.