Enough

I am sick.
My Grandfather has suffered a massive stroke.
The owners of our house want to put the house on the market and we have no options, no money and we will have no where to live.

We are terrible parents.
We don't deserve our kids and they don't deserve us.

I don't know how to get us out of this hole.

Wordless Wednesday

Nine

This year has been the hardest one of them all.
It has been filled with stresses and second guessing all of the huge decisions we had to make. Hard enough to do on our own, but when we have to think of our kids too, it gets even harder.

I have yelled, I have bargained with higher powers, I have pleated, I have been resentful, I have been sad, I have been depressed, I have held positive thoughts, I have thrown my hands in the air and screamed "why?", I have thought about giving up, I have had my good moments, I have had my share of bad but all of those things I have done? The only thing that makes them better is that you have done them with me.

You are a warrior. You are my strength when I have none.
You are my support when I meed some.
You are my light when every thing is dark.
You are thoughtful and kind.
You are my best friend and the best man.
There is no better father in the world, and nobody I would rather raise kids with.

I know I don't always close the drawers all the way and you never fill the basket with diapers. You never put coffee on the grocery list and I get anxiety over packing up baby clothes. In daily life those seem like faults but it doesn't matter.
None of it matters. Only you and me and the family we created out of love.

Who ever said marriage isn't easy wasn't kidding. It is hard.
Let's see what the universe has in store for us the next nine years and nineteen more after that.
I truly can't wait.

Love always, Tuesday Girl


Even though we ain't got money
I'm so in love with ya honey
Everything will bring a chain of love
In the mornin' when I rise
Bring a tear of joy to my eyes
And tell me everything's gonna be all right

What Happens At Borders........

All last week I had been so excited for the weekend. Weekends for stay at home mothers are no different then any other day there is just more people at home to annoy you.

Anyway, I decided I was going to go to Borders and get myself a nice cup of coffee and read a book.

Yes, I said READ a book not buy one and bring it home to read.
Have you heard of something called the recession and have you not read my endless, boring posts about my HORRIBLE financial state? All the cool kids in NYC do it, so can I.

I have been dying to read Kathy Griffin's book so I went Saturday morning and scoped out the place to find the best possible seat and plopped myself down for a good read.
Three quarters of the way through I decided it was coffee time and I headed for the cafe. I sat down with my vanilla latte and very interesting book just as two college aged boys came in, one who was carrying an overflowing backpack.

Next came one of the most interesting, unexplained things I have ever seen:
The overflowing backpack guy took out a GALLON of 2% milk and a rather large family size box of Fruit Loops placed them on the table and got to talking with his friends.

The unanswered questions were racing around in my head: Did they bring a bowl? Why bring cereal to a book store? Why were they not eating the cereal? Were they trying to lure small children to their table? Did he just wink at me?
WHERE IS YOUR BOWL SIR?

I wanted to stay as long as they did so I can see where these cats were going with the Fruit Loops but I had to leave at some point.

I will be back next weekend for some fiction, a latte and hopefully a big bowl a cereal.
I'll bring the bowls.


************
Last week I made cornices and curtains. When I say I, I mean my in-laws did 90% of the work while I baby wrangled. Go check out how we did it and what the finished product looks like.

The Good Girl

Lately we have been having some problems with our daughter R.
She is a born leader, even in the womb she redirected all the nutrients for her and her twin brother got the scraps- hence the one pound weight difference.
She is the boss of her brothers and her parents- or so she thinks.

First it began with too much talking during class- a normal problem and one I had as a child occasionally as well. Then it was tattling on kids for simple things and telling someone that another girl "wasn't a good friend."
The other day it was the principal hearing R tell another child "I will punch you in the eye!".
Yesterday it was the bus driver having to tell her to not scream on the bus.

We are into week 3 of school and I am exhausted.
After every one of these problems we sit her down, ask her reasoning for doing it and explain why it is not acceptable behavior.
She is obsessed with the older kids in school and frequently tells me she "wants to be a teenager".

"Slow down" I tell her, "you are only little once, enjoy playing and laughing and not having anything to do for the day but have fun."


I do not know what to do. I feel I am failing her as a parent. E and I have tried to understand behaviors and reward good ones and ignore/discipline bad ones (depending on age appropriateness) but I never want her to be known as "the bad girl" at school because the truth is she really isn't.
She is smart and sweet and loving.

I get complimented all the time on my children's behavior and have since they were infants. So why, when they leave my care for 7 hours a day does R act like a different child?


I want to take her by the shoulders and shake her while I tell her "you are being a mean child, nobody will invite you to parties, teachers will not want you in their class, kids will not be your friend!"

But I don't.

I want to get through to her, but I am just not sure how to.
I love her so much, I just don't want to fail her.


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It Is Like Wiping With Cotton Balls

I try to be as environmentally friendly as I can. We recycle, buy environmentally friendly cleaners, buy local and organic when possible (so much harder to do in NH)and use compact fluorescent light bulbs.
I may be green but my heiney is not.

I have tried to use "green" or recycled toilet paper in the past, but I just can't do it anymore. It is hard, thin and the opposite of absorbent. Think public restroom toilet paper or doctors office tissues.
Not conducive to gastrointestinal infections or your period.

Anything that is going to lead to a red, swollen anus I am not into.
Poor E.

So, I switch back to my regular TP, Quilted Northern with its light, billowy texture and the absorbency of a thousand Sham Wows. Not too linty and not too thin, it is the toilet paper of the gods.

Of course the label on the front of the package that says "septic safe" is really what sold me, I have never had septic before and the thought of our backyard overflowing with shit- literally, makes me want to run back to NJ.
In heels.


I can try to be more Earth friendly out of the bathroom, but when it comes to my ass, we need some comfort in the form of a soft quilted bath tissue.
Amen.

VMA Recap- Lady KahKah

Friends, we have SO much to talk about. First let's go full on VMAs.
I have to say watching the VMAs makes me feel old and I try to stay away from anything that ages me like ruched bathing suits and wigs.
I try and stay on the cutting edge of celebrity/bands/whats hot, but it is exhausting. Especially when there is a house full of people crying about how the like to eat dinner and have clean clothes.
Babies!

Anywhoo lets get to it. Lady Gaga.
I really don't know too much about her except that R & I love to sing "Let's Dance" at the top of our lungs in the car.
I started to love her because her date for the evening was Kermit the Frog. I have been wanting a date with him since 1977. Kudos to the best date 'o the night!
I can't with her fashion choices though:




In this look I think she is going for "herpes chic". Red, fiery hot, all encompassing and most importantly: itchy.
I don't get it, don't you want to be able to see? Anything?
This is bad. Really bad. Makes me long for the Bjork swan dress.
Imagine that walked down the catwalk on Project Runway? Michael Kors would sh*t himself.


Next we have a version of Hitchcock's "The Birds" being played out right upon her body. Well done Gaga- or Lady Khakah which is how I will be referring to you from now on.


Does she want to look like a robot? Or is that starry, far away look in her eyes just because she smoked something extra special backstage?
If that is the case, pass it over here.


Even though my Lady was wearing something around her face akin to a Lion's mane or maybe a family of porcupines were eating her, she still couldn't bring herself to look at Perez's yellow painted hands.
It is almost too much to bear for me. The jokes, the why's? they just keep coming.
Poor Beyonce.


SQUEAL! This is my FAVORITE. Okay, she is dressed like a hooker, but the best part is the dancer standing next to her- he is wearing a white lace thong as a surgical mask! LOVE!
Of course this scenario plays out in frat houses all across this great nation every day, but on stage- it is glorious.
Check out the guy behind him, he likes it even more than I do!


Do we have to talk about Kanye?
I am sure what a douchebacg he is has already been written a thousand times over already. He sucks and no matter how great a artist he may be he sure acts like a terrible person.

Lastly, I heard Janet Jackson was preparing for months to get this tribute out for Micheal. Um.
It looked like she spent 15 minutes rehearsing for a 2 minute dance routine. When the backup dancers ALL out perform Janet- it may be time to hang it up.

Today

This was the first year where I didn't have 9/11 thoughts looming over me days before the anniversary. Maybe it is because I am no longer in NJ and the hole I would see every day is no longer in my peripheral view.
Maybe it has been enough time that it is not in my thoughts so much anymore.
It was a crazy point in time.

Here is a re-post of what that day was like for me:

I remember 9/11/01 so clearly, like many people do.
It was a gorgeous day in New Jersey and New York, the sun was shining, there wasn't a cloud in the sky, not too hot or too chilly.
I had just started a new job and it was my seventh day. I worked for a medium sized company located about 10 minutes from NYC. I loved it.

My boss called me and told me from the highway he was stuck on, he could see smoke from NYC, he said he thought a plane accidentally hit a building.
Then an announcement came over the building intercom system that the World Trade Center had been hit, and that we were all supposed to leave now and go straight home.
I did just that. I was frantically trying to call E's cell because I thought he was in NYC for a meeting. I heard they were closing the borders of NY, there would be no way to get home. The phone lines were jammed and I couldn't get through for 30 long minutes.
Those were the worst minutes because I thought his meetings were being held in a hotel right next to the WTC.

In actuality, he was in Yonkers, NY and was able to get home. We both met at the end of our driveway and watched from our normally magnificent views, as the buildings burned.
That's the thing about NJ, on a clear day you can see far into NYC and obviously, the view was amazing. It was altered that day, and as I left for work every day after that, I would look to my left because out of the corner of my eye something was missing. There was a huge hole in the skyline.
That night I woke to a horrible, loud sound I jumped thinking we were being bombed, "it is just thunder" E said "go back to sleep".
Hard to do with bombers flying so low, right over our house.

I did lose a friend from high school that was in the buildings, high above where the plane crashed, leaving her no way out.

There was one good thing that happened that day. E & I realized that life was too short, and we decided to have a baby.
My beautiful, smart twins came out of that horrible day and the evil people felt for Americans.
They healed me and one day maybe they will heal the world.

Don't Vampires Have Access To Tanning Creams?

I have to know: who thinks this guy is hot?
Is it just me or does he look like a cross between Dylan McKay circa early 90210 years and siamese cat?
I got drawn into the Twilight hype via twitter and read all the books as fast as I could. Then I made E take me to see the movie and I was disappointed in how ugly I thought all the characters were. When the book describes in painstaking detail just how beautiful each character is and you cast ordinary pretty people who happen to be super-dee-douper pale, then I get disappointed.
Call me crazy.

Plus, is the skinny tie back? It shouldn't be.

Also, I was just thanking the sweet baby Jesus last week we are finally rid of Dannielynn pictures/"news" stories and the contact Larry Birkhead had with ET. Now they are back with new birthday photos.
I filed this under "who cares?".

No Dark Sarcasm In The Classroom

I have no idea why President Obama's speech to school children is causing such an uproar.

Do people think he is going to make communists of children through the television screen? Just what is President Obama going to speak about?
According to the U.S. Department of Education, the President will speak about "persisting and succeeding in school." The president will also "challenge students to work hard, set educational goals, and take responsibility for their learning." The Dept. of Education invites "students of all ages, teachers, and administrators" to watch the President's address and encourages "educators to help students get focused and inspired to begin the new academic year."

Wow, challenging kids to work hard and value the education they receive- how terrible, how non-age appropriate, how dare educators make a decision about people's children without their consent.
How ridiculous.

By pulling your kid from school or pressuring the school not to show it, you are teaching them- because your political party is not in power, you can disregard or show no respect for the President of this country.
Whether you voted for him or not, or believe in his views or not, you still need to have respect for him. I think the lack of respect for other people is one of the things that is wrong with this country today.
Could you imagine your parents not letting you hear President Reagan or President Bush's speeches to the children of this country?
It didn't happen.

In our school district the middle and high school students are watching live but you can pull your child from that classroom if you wanted to. The elementary school students will watch it tomorrow, they are taping it today to see the age-appropriateness, which I assume it is appropriate for all ages. It is not like the president is going to be dropping F-bombs, I am pretty sure it is rated G.

Instead of pulling your child from a lecture on education, how about using it as a platform to talk to your kids about the speech and what you agreed and disagreed with.
Now, wouldn't that be a novel idea?


I would love to know if you are letting your children hear Obama's speech today and why or why not.

At Least He Doesn't Have A Mullet

My husband E, started losing his hair in his late 20s. A little less on top, a little less on the sides every month. He wasn't as proactive or outraged as I wanted him to be and just went with it.
I, on the other hand, was outraged. If it was me I would have bought every cream, every shampoo visited every doctor and sold my sole to the devil for hair implants (ala Jon Gosselin).

He took it in stride told me it was because he was much more manly than other men because he had EXTRA testosterone (like you need more of that) fist bumped his chest and went off to masterbate.
Or something.

Then in December of 2006 without marital consult, he shaved all his hair off. I couldn't believe my eyes. I was now officially and forever going to be married to a bald man.
I never saw that coming!

Last night I was half jokingly telling E he should just get a wig.

Me: you know, you should just get a wig already.

E: ::blink blink::

Me: so you have a very awkward one day, after that it will be over.

E: are you kidding me?

Me: NO! there are two approaches, you can just go into work one Monday and say "I now have hair, enjoy my follicles of hairiness!" or you can just go into work and say nothing at all. Sure they will talk about you behind your back but they will get over it.
Worst case scenario: you get a cool nickname form your coworkers like "freak" or "hair today gone tomorrow".

E: what if I get a red wig?

Me: can you stop making a joke out of this, I am serious.

E: I am hungry.


So there it is, I will forever be married to a bald man who doesn't care I don't like bald men and eats in bed.

First Grade

Today I put my kids on the school bus for 1st grade. All mothers have done it, it is nothing new, it is an old story that you can find practically on every parenting blog on the Internet. Until it is your turn.

The past six and a half years were leading up until this moment: leaving the house and being in some one's else care for eight hours a day. There is just something that is not right about that.
Wasn’t it just yesterday that I drove my twins home from the hospital at a snails pace?
How does a mother let go of their child’s small hand so they can dip their toe in the ocean of the world, when all they want to do is scoop them into her arms and lay under the safety of a tree and just be?

These are my precious babies, no matter how old they will become, so I will do what every mother does:
I will send them to school. I will walk them to the bus, I will place them in the care of others and I will watch as the bus drives away.
And I will hold my tears until they are in the distance, crying for the little babies that were and for the amazing people I know they are becoming.

First grade.
It is a big deal.