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Did you ever have the experience where something has happened in your life and it sucks and is devastating and maybe strange. Anyway, this things happens and you still have to do regular mundane, routine things and all the while you are looking around wondering how these people can just go on with life.
It is like watching the world from a new perspective. Like watching time pass with a bug's eye, 12 views of it all.
Like going through motions with a viel over your face. Things are muted and that is okay with you, you can't take the bright sun or crisp views just yet.
I have been thinking about those times recently. Like the day after I was told I was having triplets but they are measuring very small and please go home and wait to miscarry them.
It was this small window of time where I was pregnant, but not.
My body was still tired and queasy but now it was all for nothing. I had dead babies inside of me and I felt the urge to just blurt it out to people I saw on my travels.
The people who were just going on with life's daily chores. The same ones I did to keep my mind off what was happening to me. Of course, that didn't work. It never does.
It was like I was holding in this big secret and nobody knew it but me.
It was limbo.
"How can you go on?!" I wanted to yell from my car window. I wanted someone to see my red brimmed eyes at the grocery store and hug me and whisper into my ear "I know and I am sorry". I guess you don't get that when you live too far from your best girfriends.
Tomorrow you tell yourself, the veil will lift a little bit.
7 years ago
I'm so sorry you had to go through such a horrible ordeal. It's devastating and it's hard to get through it.
ReplyDeleteSometimes my son and I will go to the park and people watch, and I often wonder what people are thinking about and dealing with. It's always enlightening, and makes me realize that life isn't the same for everyone.
I remember the story my Dad always used to tell me about my mom dying. The day she lost her long battle with breast cancer, he remembered walking out of the hospital, and the sun was beating down on him, it was brighter than ever and he said he had this feeling of rage. "How can the sun be out on a day like this?" He noticed people walking to and from their cars, holding conversations, some missing the bus, others just hanging out...He wanted time to stop. He wanted everything to stop for at least one second so everyone could feel what he was feeling, a moment to mourn. No one stopped, the bus passed by, the people continued conversations, continued walking...My father always ended the story..and life goes on.
ReplyDeleteLife seemingly goes on around us but it's not as easy for most of us. Life just doesn't "go" on within us, it merely stops, and it takes everything we've got to get it to start churning again. Time seems to be the only thing that dilutes the pain. The pain sometimes never passes but it gets weaker with time and for that, I'm glad that time is on my side.
Im so sorry you had to go through this. I have not experienced quite what you have, but I have miscarried and had similar feelings. Unfortunately, AND fortunately, life goes on. But sometimes it would be nice to hide somewhere and feel bad for a while.
ReplyDeleteIt is sad, but it is comforting too. Along with wanting people to hurt like I did, it was hopeful that thing can be normal again even if you think it can never happen.
ReplyDeleteAfter my father died in the best cancer hospital in NYC walking into the streets is humbling.