Did you ever have the experience where something has happened in your life and it sucks and is devastating and maybe strange. Anyway, this things happens and you still have to do regular mundane, routine things and all the while you are looking around wondering how these people can just go on with life.
It is like watching the world from a new perspective. Like watching time pass with a bug's eye, 12 views of it all.
Like going through motions with a viel over your face. Things are muted and that is okay with you, you can't take the bright sun or crisp views just yet.
I have been thinking about those times recently. Like the day after I was told I was having triplets but they are measuring very small and please go home and wait to miscarry them.
It was this small window of time where I was pregnant, but not.
My body was still tired and queasy but now it was all for nothing. I had dead babies inside of me and I felt the urge to just blurt it out to people I saw on my travels.
The people who were just going on with life's daily chores. The same ones I did to keep my mind off what was happening to me. Of course, that didn't work. It never does.
It was like I was holding in this big secret and nobody knew it but me.
It was limbo.
"How can you go on?!" I wanted to yell from my car window. I wanted someone to see my red brimmed eyes at the grocery store and hug me and whisper into my ear "I know and I am sorry". I guess you don't get that when you live too far from your best girfriends.
Tomorrow you tell yourself, the veil will lift a little bit.
3 months ago