Wednesday, November 04, 2009

The Value Of Me

I blast the blinking cursor of doom.
These days I am just not sure what to write about. Like most bloggers, I started this blog to connect to other people in my new position of a new mom and found myself in this great untainted territory.
My words meant something to me and that was all that mattered.
Now, well, I am not so sure. When I write about my current situation, I get myself more worked up, I get very emotional and I am not sure it is cathartic or torment.

I want to write about silly, non-meaningful things but sometimes I just don't have the heart to do so. It has my mind and heart wondering if my words mean anything anymore. This agony of the past 2 years of losing everything except my family has taken its toll.
The pain and unrelenting bad luck can be seen on my face, on my husband's face on our marriage, on our lives. I can't believe we have ended up here with no idea what to do next.
No idea where to go, when we will land jobs, where my kids will go to school or how to pay our bills.
Writing about our lack of, well, everything, has not been helpful to me. It makes me realize more how tired I am of being on the losing end of opportunity, what a terrible parent I think I am and how hard it is going to be to dig back out of this hole.
It makes me sick to my stomach on a daily basis.

I wonder if my hopes, faith and dreams don't make any difference, than just what value do my words have?


  1. Oh you poor thing. I really feel for you. But you know that life does ebb and flow. It gets bad, then worse, then eventually a little better. You just have to hang in there. A little longer. Even if you just can't see it ever coming your way, something will come. And in the meantime, I'll be sending some good thoughts your way.

    Maybe a blogging break? To see if that helps your frame of mind? We'll miss you, but will understand. And will wait for you to come back with news of good changes.

  2. Your words DO have value. They are YOURS. And no one can take that away.

    I write so I can look back and remember...

  3. Im not sure what to say to this post. I cant imagine how you feel right now. :(

  4. Your words do have value. So do your feelings and your role as a mother and wife. I wish there was something I could say that would give you a sense of peace, however small. I do understand those dark days that lead into dark feelings. My hope for you is that something emerges soon to help your family and appease these feelings.

  5. I feel a bit the same way at the moment. It's an awful feeling. Big hugs....

  6. Anonymous3:02 PM

    Hang in there. Writing will help you figure out how you feel. Even if it is crappy. My heart goes out to you!

  7. Keep writing, because when it does all come back together again, you can look back at it and know where you've come from.

    I've been voting for you.

  8. Your words DO have value. That's why we keep coming to your blog. You'll get through this, I know you will. And I for one appreciate your candor talking about what you're going through.


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