Friday, July 31, 2009

Three Hearts Walking Around The Outside Of My Body

I haven't written about my kids lately so I thought I would update you and jot down these memories before they are lost somewhere in my mommy brain.

L is my first born (by 1 minute) and he does not take on that role at all.
He is still as sweet as sugar. He is the follower, he looks for his twin sister to lead. He is quiet and a little shy and wants to please everyone in a different way than R wants to please everyone. He wants to make sure he doesn't make anyone mad or hurt, she would like the praise of being "good".
He fell into the deep end of a pool in May and all of a sudden forgot how to swim. I yelled for him to swim but he went under, came up and went under again. I was the only one watching 5 kids in the pool at the time so in I went with my clothes on to rescue him. I can't even think about what would have happened if I wasn't paying attention, or walked away from the pool for a second. Those are thoughts that creep in at night and I push them right back out.
The trauma of that led him to believe he couldn't swim at all, so I signed the kids up for swim lessons. L did wonderful and has overcome his fear and is swimming like a pro. I am proud of him for that, he is brave.
He is making easily friends here in our new state and picked up where he left off in NJ and once again became the "best boy" in school.
He loves sports, riding his bike, berries, kefir, animal planet, ice cream and helping me bake.
I love my sensitive, sweet smart boy like no other.

R is feisty and always has been. If there is ever a kid to put your money on- its her. That is not to say she won't be a handful as a teenager- at 5 she already acted like she was 15. She wants to be like the bigger girls, instead of just enjoying being where she is in life.
She is smart and quick. She tries to get away with things and when you call her on it-she gets mad. She has a temper like her mother.
She is an actress and would love to sing and dance on stage.
She will have to learn the hard way that just because she is quick and beautiful doesn't mean everything will be handed to her forever.
She loves her twin brother, and bosses him around like hired help. They can fight like an old married couple but if you separate them, they always sneak back to each other. That is the sweetest part of having twins.

They both started to read this year and I am so happy, I hope they love reading as much as I do!
R loves singing, High School Musical, pasta, Parmesan cheese, drawing, feta and helping me bake.
She is beautiful, and caring and smart and more than I ever wanted my daughter to be.

Baby K. Wow.
He is an amazing baby and makes me want to have a dozen more. He is not the baby who was content to sit in a swing or on his gym or jumper. He has always wanted people around him and to entertain him. We always obliged.
He never sits still, that kid is on the move. He crawled early, he walked at 10 months and hasn't stopped since.
He is sweet and stops to hug me or his toys (while he says "ahhhh!") at least a few dozen times a day.
He loves playing in water, his brother and sister, pasta with sauce, avocado (his FAVORITE), Baby Einstein DVDs and balls. He is an amazing eater with only green beans and tomato being on his "not gonna eat" list.
His head full of curls reminds me of myself when I was a baby. He is a Daddy's boy and E is so in love with this little one.
We can't wait to see who he is going to be, but don't want him to grow too fast.

Since I have had R & L I always say "this stage is my favorite" because really, they all have been my favorites. If I could keep my kids 2, or 4 or little forever I would.
I just love being a mother to these amazing people.

They will change the world someday.
They already have.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The One With Good News- Finally!

Finally after almost two years, hundreds of phone interviews, countless face to face interviews, hopes being lifted and dashed, E has received and accepted a job offer!
The offer is good. It is selling something to pharmaceutical companies instead of being a pharmaceutical rep like he has been for over 10 years.
It is with a small, laid back company and seems like a great fit for E. He will still be able to work with his cousin and when the economy gets back on its feet, and the people get back on their feet the company will flourish.

We have been feeling like we were drowning for all this time and it has been hard and the sacrifices have been great. It was worse than I ever wrote about, partly because if I wrote it out-if I had to see it in black or white, I might just give up. It has been more than stressful and it is visable on our faces.
We have been low.
We can only hope this is the upswing, that we were meant to move to this state and it was for something bigger than we could imagine.
We can finally devote our energy to our family and although we will in no means be rich from this job and the next couple of months will still be a struggle, we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank god for light.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Visitors From Planet Teen

With money VERY tight around here these days, I did not attend Blogher this year even though I had my heart set on it. Today you won't see great pictures from BlogHer parties or witty, inside-joke laden posts from me because I spent the weekend with my two sister-in-laws and teenagers. (cue horror movie theme music)

E's one sister lives in Florida and doesn't visit much at all. His other sister lived by us in NJ and she has 2 teenagers. Both of them descended on us this past weekend. E was happy to see his sisters (one who is going through a rough patch) and they were happy to be back in NH and see some family.

Did you know teenagers are messy? And they sleep a lot but not at night, their best sleep is in the morning. Or afternoon. Or evening, but who is waiting anyway?
They also use a lot of shampoo. They don't know how to hang up wet towels or that maybe bras shouldn't just be left on the floor.
They eat a lot- and none of it was green/was grown/or picked/or can be labeled with words such as "healthy" or "nutritious".
They love to bicker. And Text. Hopefully not sexting.

Who knew?
I am in for a bumpy ride in about 6 years, aren't I?

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Body By Baby

Women have enough body image issues, after you have your first child things really seem to spiral downward. Even if you lose the baby weight after you have children, your body is just different.
Assuming you don't have a personal trainer, chef, nanny and plastic surgeon on speed dial like some women do who look like they never even thought of having a baby never mind actually birthing four.
I am talking about YOU Brooke Burke.

Even if you decline desserts and try and fit a workout in, the kids will kill any bit of self esteem left.
Like when my then three year old daughter told me my nipples were HUGE. Not the Paris Hilton huge-meaning-fantastic, either. Huge.

When ever I am in a fitting room with my twins or getting dressed/undressed, because what do 6 year olds know about p-r-i-v-a-c-y, they watch me have bowel movements for christsakes, they stare.
Not the good stare like you got in clubs in your 20s either, these are can you believe what we are seeing stares. Mouth agape stares.

Then they are all like "what are those markes on your stomach" and I am all "helllooo, stretch markes from your big asses" and they are all like "Oh, okay" and I am all like "HEY! stop with the judgements! Try and have 15+ pounds of baby in your body AT THE SAME TIME and see what markes appear on your bod. The bod I made you by the way, in my stomach, therefore producing markes of stretch".

Yeah, that will teach them to barge in on me when I am getting dressed. At least I avoided the hair grows there? talk with my friend- the Brazilian.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Comfortably Numb

Did you ever have the experience where something has happened in your life and it sucks and is devastating and maybe strange. Anyway, this things happens and you still have to do regular mundane, routine things and all the while you are looking around wondering how these people can just go on with life.
It is like watching the world from a new perspective. Like watching time pass with a bug's eye, 12 views of it all.
Like going through motions with a viel over your face. Things are muted and that is okay with you, you can't take the bright sun or crisp views just yet.

I have been thinking about those times recently. Like the day after I was told I was having triplets but they are measuring very small and please go home and wait to miscarry them.
It was this small window of time where I was pregnant, but not.
My body was still tired and queasy but now it was all for nothing. I had dead babies inside of me and I felt the urge to just blurt it out to people I saw on my travels.
The people who were just going on with life's daily chores. The same ones I did to keep my mind off what was happening to me. Of course, that didn't work. It never does.
It was like I was holding in this big secret and nobody knew it but me.
It was limbo.

"How can you go on?!" I wanted to yell from my car window. I wanted someone to see my red brimmed eyes at the grocery store and hug me and whisper into my ear "I know and I am sorry". I guess you don't get that when you live too far from your best girfriends.
Tomorrow you tell yourself, the veil will lift a little bit.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


I can't read any articles or watch any television shows about this economy. I turn off the TV when Oprah has a show on middle class families living in a shelter and I put down the Time magazine with articles on what jobs are still booming.
I don't have to see or read about it, I have lived it.

Long time readers will know that times have been very hard for us. After E lost his job, there were a ton of other people looking for the same work in the same field as he was. The truth of it is, if we didn't have family we would have ended up in a shelter.

We were not rich, we were....comfortable. We had a very nice house in a nice neighborhood in a nice state. We had two cars (one was a company car) and some nice furniture and 3 great kids.
When E lost his job he also lost what came with it: our insurance, his life insurance, his car, his 401K, laptop and a lot of pride.
If it wasn't for our family we would have lost our house, not have any cars (because of course my lease was up the month after E lost his job and did you know people don't sell cars to people who don't have jobs? Strange!) and probably would have ended up in a shelter.

So, the people I judged in the past about not having insurance ("who doesn't have insurance? Just get a job and it comes with health insurance" my naive ass once said), the people I judged about having kids they couldn't afford, the attitude I had because E and I are both intelligent, educated people and how could we ever not get a job, I am sorry and I have learned my lesson.
I have walked in their shoes, but for the generosity and kindness of some people, there goes I.

I will never judge people again.
I will never think that cannot happen to me.
I will never take for granted what I have.
I will always remember what is the most important things in life.

The next time you see a homeless person don't turn away offer him a dollar or a meal. When you turn on the TV and there is a show on homeless families watch it. Those people could have been me, and they could have been you.

Monday, July 13, 2009


Yesterday I did what I told E I would never do again: venture into the unknown territory that is Maine and attend one of his relatives wedding.
You see, the last time I did that? It sucked.
On my first trip up to NH to visit his family and attend a wedding I received a nice case of food poisoning as a wedding favor.
Not from the wedding but a byproduct of the wedding.

I also crossed a few things off my list of thing I have never done and never want to do including but not limited to:
1)Poo-ing blood
2)using a porta-potty
3)defile 2 out of 3 bathrooms in a strangers house
4)use a gas station bathroom
5)drive in a car for 4+ house all the while thinking I may die at any minute

You see, this wedding took place in a backyard on a hot Maine day where the only food that was served was cheese & crackers, and fruit and someone made a TERRIFIC executive decision to keep them directly in the sun.
No, that is not where my case of food poisoning came from, it was out of desperation of not eating all day so a stop to a rest stop was made and a Burger King burger was purchased.

So you see where it all went wrong: a trip to Maine for a wedding.

The wedding yesterday was nice. Not at all like the weddings I am used to in NJ/NY. Different. Casual, and very pretty.
The coastline is beautiful and I would show you pictures if I didn't fall into the ocean whilst trying to save my camera from falling into the sea and hurt my wrist and pride.
Now my computer won't recognize my USB when I plug my camera into it.

Moral of the story? Maine is nice but stay home.
It isn't worth it.

Monday, July 06, 2009


My in-laws are coming today for a week. Their visits are so much less stressful here because they stay with E's Aunt & Uncle. My mother in law is an immaculate housekeeper so I am cleaning and straightening the house like a mad woman. No matter what you think of your mother in law or what she thinks of you, you still want her to know you keep your house clean.
Even if it is a illusion.

I am also refusing to let myself write about Michael Jackson or Jon & Kate. Or the fact that I got carded at the grocery store last week when I bought cooking wine.
It is enough to make me implode.

I will leave you with some great links for you though while I am cleaning whatever my kids are messing:

Win a 6 piece layette set from First Impressions!

Find out how I taught my kids to ride their bikes in 3 minutes flat

Win a pair of ADORABLE pair of WeeSqueak sandals

Win a set of cool band aids including a make your own which I am dying to steal

Here are 46 cheap or free summer fun ideas to do with your kids
because we all know how long summer can be when you have kids!

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Wednesday, July 01, 2009

The Hardest Part Is Letting Go Of Your Dreams

When my Dad dies, I was so unprepared for it. From not feeling well to sitting on the hospital floor holding his hand just after he died took two whole months.
I never got to say goodbye because I thought he would make it. It is my most painful regret.

I was reading this post today and it had me thinking of what an hell those nights were after he died.
The sheer weight of grief put me to sleep those night, but I would always wake up at 3am.
I would be wide awake and my mind would take me to horrible places. I would watch TV in bed to quiet the voice and take my mind off of the grief.
I had never had trouble sleeping before, I thought this was just a phase and I would "grow out of it" once I felt better.
After months of waking at 3am, I decided to take over the counter sleeping pills. They worked and I could finally feel rested again.
Then those stopped working as well so I moved on to the good stuff like Ambien and Lunesta.

Before I knew it I had been taking these pills every night for over a year. I loved them, it finally squashed the noise and let me sleep, a good dead sleep, but I knew I had to stop using them. It wasn't healthy.
I slowly weaned myself off of them.
I could sleep again without medicine!

I know that my sleep was interrupted because my brain was trying to wrap itself around the fact that one of the most important people in my life was now gone.
I know it was a symptom of my problems.
I wish I could have handled myself better, I wish I got the proper help I needed and probably still need.
I am happy I had the sleep medication when I needed it because at least I was sleeping and able to function to take care of my 1 year old twins at the time.
I just hope I never have to use them again.