Dazed And Confused

This week has been a crazy mess and it is only Thursday. To give you a peek inside my life, I will tell the tales that have me either pissed, confused or bewildered:

-The realtor who is selling this house put a lock box on the door without telling or asking me. I called her told her to taker it off, I don't feel comfortable with it on the door when I am home alone with 3 kids. She said she would. 10 days ago she said she will be over in an hour to take it off.
It is still there.

-I have a rash under one of my boobs. WTH? I have no idea where it came from or why, it resembles a heat rash but it is anything but hot here. Even under my lady lumps. A boob rash and under wire do not go well together.
It hurts. I am alternating powdering my under boob and staring in disbelief at my self in the mirror.

-Really? A John Edwards sex tape? Haven't you put your wife through enough? The lies and the lies about lies, where does it end. I kind of liked John Edwards as a person many years ago when I first heard about him and his family's story. Now I have no respect for him and I can't imagine his family does either. How disgusting.
Nobody wants to see that sex tape anyway. It is probably all about your hair.

-Angelina and Brad? Nope, don't care either.

-Since my kids were turning 7, we decided this Christmas they can get a video game system. Instead they each got a Nintendo Ds and Wii! Secretly after the kids go to be E and I play super Mario Bros. on the Wii into the night.
Under the cover of darkness we play and play and save our progress to continue the next night. We are addicted and since E is away I miss playing with him.

Back Together, Again

I can't live without E anymore. I have turned in three weeks what took six months to torn into last year. Someone I don't recognize, someone who I do not want to be.
I lash out at my children, the stress of being a single parent to three for days and nights on end are weighing on me. I think of doing for my children as a burden not my job and the boredom of being stuck in the house for days and days is terrible. Even baby K is bored. I am quick tempered and it even scares me.

So, we are taking up an offer to stay at a relative's home in NJ while we save a bit and take some time to find a place to live. It is not ideal for anyone and I will have to home school the kids while we are there, but at least we can be together.
E being away isn't just tough on me, I know the kids take it hard too. The money and the commute of 4+ hours every week each way is too much for E also.

In just a couple of days we will pack up what we need for now and move in with family and reconnect with each other. I will be able to appreciate my job as a mother again.
They deserve that and so do I.

Seven

If you could only know how much I love you both, but how could you ever know?
You will never know the real depths of my love, but I can tell you my truths:

I will fight to the death for you. I will fly to the sky and pluck each star out just to give them to you. I would squeeze and kiss you forever and a day.
I would give up my morning coffee for you. I would slay a dragon and then tell silly jokes while holding his still-beating heart in my hand just to make you laugh.
I will buy a remote island and just lay with you on white sand covered beaches. There would be no death or sickness, just joy and happiness to fill our days. There would be endless ice cream with extra cherries and no whipped cream just for you.
I will buy you ponies. I can build you a castle made from candy and live in it forever for you.
I will give up everything I have, just ask me to.

One day I will no longer be on this Earth to tell you how much I love you. But you must never be sad, because I will always be with you.
All you have to do is listen.
When you are old and grey and it is your turn for your spirit to move on, you must not be frightened because you will know I will be there waiting for you.

Just be still.
Be still and listen very closely.
You will hear "Don't be scared, Mommy is here". Maybe you will think you imagined it, maybe you think it was the wind, but know, it will be me.

Maybe then you will know just how much I love you now and forever and ever.

Happy 7th Birthday R & L.

Steal From The Rich To Give To The Poor

I read a story last week that has fascinated me ever since, but of course now I can't find the story to link to. You will just have to rely on my memory.
A NYC cab driver found about 20k and some jewelry left in his cab. Although he was new to this country and not near comfortable financially, he turned the money & jewelry in and would not even take a reward.
He said he was needy not greedy.

It made me think about what I would do in the same circumstance? I know two years ago what I would have done in a heartbeat.
I know I am a good person, I know I help others and have empathy. Honestly though, because these past two years have been so rough and how we have lost everything and have borrowed A LOT of money from family? I may have just kept it.
I don't want to admit that, but I am being honest.

I am sure the guilt would eat me alive and I would be up nights worrying about my karma and what if it was for someones operation or to feed orphans. Maybe I would rationalize that only wealthy people would carry abound such large amounts of cash, and I needed it more than them.
It would make me so miserable that I didn't do the right thing, and that, would be my karma coming back at me.

I want to know what you would honestly do: Would you keep the money and jewels, keep some of it or return it all?

I can tell you one thing, I sure would have taken the reward!

And Life is Like An Hourglass, Glued To The Table

I have written before about how I have an on again- off again relationship with insomnia. It started after my father died and rears its ugly head whenever I have major stress issues. I could keep it at bay my with friend Ambien but no health insurance for a year? No Ambien.

Two weeks ago I decided to have a glass of wine before bed. I love a nice glass of wine once a week or so, but I don't usually have wine in the house anymore because we haven't had extra money for any extras.
That night I slept soundly! "It was the wine!" I yelled to E, the beautiful nectar of sweet, sweet grapes, how I love thee!

Now every night before bed I have a half of a glass of "night, night" juice and it helps tremendously.
The only problem is, if I depend on wine every night to go to bed, I will need more and more and eventually I will be a alcoholic.
This leads to the age old question: Would I rather be an alcoholic or an insomniac?

I will let you know later when I get home from the liquor store.

*********************
Yesterday was de-lurk day and I missed it because I am taking care of three kids, 2 cats, a house and, you know, drinking my wine.
LOTS of people visit this blog every day but why so few comments?
Leave a comment today and say hi, or ask me a question anything you want to know.
Tell me what your favorite show is or what kind of bra you are wearing.
Just gimme something!

Wordless Wednesday

This has in no way been reanacted, this is how I found the poor baby. It was a sad state of affairs.

Back, Again

When it comes to improvement everyone will tell you to always go forward, never backward. So how come I sit here in the exact same position I was January 2009?
I am here in NH while my husband is away working and trying to find us a place to live.
It is like a terrible groundhog day movie.

It feel like we haven't moved forward at all, but backward in life. Of course I feel lonely here in NH without him, but I really feel bad for my kids. It takes a toll on them with him away so often. Especially baby K whose favorite person in the world is Daddy.
Really, he could care less about me, he wants to be by Daddy every minute of the day, he is who he asks for the minute he wakes up and the person he wants to put him to bed. Daddy hung the Moon and the rest of us are just props in the sky.

This is the time when I get stressed out with regular life trying to be everything to everyone in this house without anyone to complain to at night.
I have been here before, last year I stayed with the kids for 6 months while E was away.
It is hard to stay positive when I know exactly what is coming my way, but hey, at least this time I know what I am up against.

The Bird Lady

My mom is becoming a bird lady.

It started innocently enough, with her 2 cats, who like to look at birds. She has a screened in porch which is the perfect place for her kitties to lick their lips thinking about how great that blue jay is going to taste and planning their great escape.
Except it never happens so they sit on the porch and just imagine what chipmunks and wild birds taste like (chicken!).

To please her fur babies she bought a deluxe bird feeder for the back yard.
Not the wimpy kind I have that is filled with generic seed. Nope, my mom bought the fancy one you see in the air mall catalog.
If that wasn't enough, she now frequents a local wild bird store and purchases high end bird seed!
I actually saw a member card for this store in her wallet last month! She is on the frequent flyer program (ba dum dum)!

It is not bad enough she is wasting all of my inheritance on high priced seeds but now she has added another deluxe feeder plus a hummingbird feeder to her arsenal.
She is so happy feeding the birds in winter!
If my mom died feeding them they would peck the seed right off her body, poop on her bod and then take her hair to make a nice nest.
They don't care.

I hate to remind her that these cats won't be taking care of her either when she is old enough to be taken care of.
When we wheel her in to her low rent, scary nursing home and she looks at me with fear in her eyes and tells me she is scared, I will just pat her hand and whisper in her ear "I know, this place is for the birds".

Change

With all of the turmoil 2008 brought us, last year when we moved to NH I decided to make some changes. It was the perfect time.
I was going to reinvent myself.
If I wanted change in my life, then something had to change in my life.

I got it. I owned it.

I decided to step out of my comfort zone. I decided to do something that made me uncomfortable but one that I thought would make a positive change in my life.
I joined a mommy group
I made new friends
I went to MN alone to visit General Mills at their invite
I jumped off a 24 foot cliff
I cut my hair off


I was proud of myself. I am proud of myself.


Now we are moving again. there is time for me to reinvent myself again. I will try not to interject other people's stories with my related tales.
I will listen more. I will remember my kids are little for so little time, I will consciously enjoy them more.
I will help my husband financially support our family. I will not pass judgement on others.

Not resolutions. No, these are positive changes that I invite into my life. I want change at the same time that I despise it, but it must come.

And come it will.