I remember

I remember 9/11/01 so clearly, like many people do. It was an exceptionally gorgeous day here, the sun was shining, there wasn't a cloud in the sky, not too hot or too chilly. I had just started a new job and it was my seventh day. I worked for a medium sized company located about 15 minutes from NYC. I loved it.

My boss called me and told me from the highway he was stuck on, he could see smoke from NYC, he said he thought a plane accidentally hit a building. Just then an announcement came over the building that the World Trade Center had been hit by a plane, and that we were all supposed to leave now and go home, it was just after 9:30am. I was frantically trying to call E's cell because I thought he was in NYC for a meeting. I heard they were closing the borders of NY, there would be no way to get home. The phone lines were jammed and I couldn't get through for 30 minutes, those were the worst minutes because I thought he had meetings in a hotel right next to the WTC.

In actuality, he was in Yonkers, NY and was one of the last cars to go over the bridge before they closed it to traffic in and out of NY. We both met at the end of our driveway and watched as the buildings burned. That's the thing about NJ, on a clear day you can see far into NYC and obviously, the view was amazing. It was altered that day, and as I left for work every day after that, I would look to my left because out of the corner of my eye something was missing. There was a huge hole in the skyline.

I did lose a friend from high school that was in the buildings, high above where the plane crashed, leaving her no way out. There was one good thing that happened that day. E & I realized that life was too short, and we decided to have a baby.
Baby A & B came out of that horrible day and the evil people felt for Americans.
They healed me and one day I just know they will change the world.

Full

The Sun

This is a repost because I needed this today, maybe so does someone else:

Did I ever tell you how I was stalked by Kabbalah peoples? Well, it was my own fault, I contacted them first.

OK, before you judge let me explain.
My father had just died. There was no reasoning in my world. I didn't believe in god, in fact if there was one, I despised him. I didn't want to hear "everything happens for a reason" or "god knows what he is doing" or any other ridiculous, thoughtless, obligatory shit. Oh... do babies die for a reason? Do children suffer every day for a reason?

That thinking just wasn't for me, and I wanted to strangle anyone who dare speak it to me. Including my Mom, the church goer, the god believer, the one who lost her own father was he was in his early 50s and she was 25, she of all people should have known better.
It could have been my denial and grief speaking, the fact that I myself wanted to die, the unbearable physical pain that wracked my body every day, the only escape was the shower where I would let it out, my cries silent, my body wet and crumpled not allowing anyone to see how truly fucked up I was.

So I searched not for answers per se, but for meaning. To life, to death, to ebb and flow, I am not sure, but I wanted there to be an answer. Even if I didn't like to hear it, I wanted to know and to grow from it.

I read.
Self help books, grieving books, books on Taoism, on life, on anything, searching. Kabbalah wasn't as prevalent as it is now, it wasn't yet cool to sport a red string but I researched it. It brought me comfort, it alluded to some answers. I contacted them to get more information. They called me every day for months, telling me about the books I would need and the prayer books, the materials, the string. To find my answer, it would have cost me hundreds, which I would have gladly paid, if I was sure. Every phone call they gave me, lead me away from them, they wanted my money, and maybe my soul.

Seven years later, I am older, not much wiser and I still don't have the answer I so desperately searched for, because it is not there.
Belief is what you need. Like my Mom, where belief is what gets her through the days, the people who believe in luck, or the person who believes their are spirits "guiding" them. Even the person who believes everything happens for a reason.
I believe there are good times and bad. Some people have more bad then good. Some people make the bad into good. I believe that people are not born bad, but made that way by other people, time and life.
I believe that bad things happen to good people and even assholes can get lucky sometimes. I believe it takes more then just money to make you happy. I believe in good friends, soul mates, that people need to take more responsibility with their lives and the lives of their neighbors.
I believe in goodness.
Is that faith? I have no idea, I just know what gets me through the day.

The Sun

Do I need a holiday to remind the people I love of my love for them? Of course not. It is nice to be valued every day of the year, but that is not a reality.
We get caught up in daily grind, taking out the garbage and who left the milk out. We have work and school work and returning phone calls to worry about instead.

Everyone has faults and yours can shrink while others intensify during the monotony of days together. Nobody writes that in a wedding card.

Times get tough and you will think of bailing. Why not? 50% of couples bail when the easy, wistfully love turns into work. Who wants to put effort into something that was so effortless? Is the outcome going to be worth the time and energy?


The "whys" take over your head, they come all the time even when you push them deep down. Maybe you just want to be the one who bails first. You always want the upper hand- even in demise.
Honestly not sticking it out is so much easier, and why for once, shouldn't your life be easy?


Truth is if you stick it out, it will be worth it. Maybe your roses won't bloom and nobody will write a book about you, you will not be famous for it.

What you will have is far greater- you will have your own respect. Your self worth will triple, your children will have an example set for them. You will teach generations that things get hard, people don't eat, promises will be broken, nights spent awake begging for a new future while trying to forget the past, lies told and tears spilled. BUT that the sun still rises.
After all of that you can look to your side and your partner has been there all along. They planted that garden with you, they have seen the storms and turmoils, even the ones you missed- all the while they were there. Holding your hand and praying for the sun.

Finally- there will be sun.

The Potty

You would think with all the parenting tricks up my sleeve by having 8 year old twins, I would rock the potty training thing with my 2 year old.

I stink at it.

I tend to think it is the fact that I am not home with him all day like I was with the twins now that I work during the week. I had a hard time with thee twins too and I feel like it was my hardest parenting task to date.
I tried the bribes, the new Thomas and Hulk underwear, the prmosie of school when he gets rid of his diapers but all he says is "ewww" when we tell him to go on the potty instead of his diaper.

He is disgusted by the whole process and I have to admit, I am too.

My plan was to have him trained by his 3rd birthday but that is 5 weeks away and I am getting no where fast.

So tell me, what are your secrets for getting them out of the diapers and into a potty seat?

Fear

For as long as I can remember my life has been governed by fear. Some of my earliest memories are waiting up for my parents when they were out late because I was sure they were in an accident. I knew as a child my father would die young- he did, 1 month after he turned 53.
I worry about money, about disappointing my parents, about being a good girl, about if I was doing enough with my life, if my kids are healthy, if we will find jobs, if my husband is happy enough with me, if my kids are stimulated enough, if I am kind enough.

I would have scenarios if someone broke into my house, tried to steal my kids or if someone I loved was terminally ill.

All worries. All have kept me up at night my mind a tornado of thoughts, fears and potential outcomes. Funny though after all those years and preparing for outcomes, it never helped when the bad did happen. It was like a dream and it was never dealt with.
I fear fear itself which is ridiculous.
I do see how absurd it is. I also thought that was how I was hard wired, I was born a worrier. But I don't want to be.

This new year is one where I promise myself not to worry about all the bad that will happen, because bad happens to everyone. I will hope for the good.
I will work for the good. I will not place my fears in my children's head.

And I will not worry if it is working or not.

Holidaze

Finally! All of the craziness and rush of the holidays are now over and I can breathe. The kids got everything they could have wanted, they had fun with their family and friends and so did we.
I ate (way too much!) and had lots of yummy new drinks and recipes I tried. Of course this time of year is always melancholy for me as I miss my Dad so much still.
Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year and my dad was always a huge part of that. Since he has been gone, it is just not the same. Sometimes I think I haven't even finish grieving and that pain is still so real. I need to help myself with that.

At least this year of new house, new friends, new town, new job, new school is over and we can look to the new year to get back into a groove and get back what we lost.
We can only go forward, right?!

Gift Giving Madness

The worst part about the holidays is trying to buy a gift for that special person in your life, and you just can't figure out what to buy.
I want to get something for her that is special, but doesn't cost a lot of money. Something that is perfect for her- but she has everything she wants.

So tell me what would you gift to a woman in her 40s, who has everything, loves bling and going out? Do you have a go to gift for a hard to buy for person on your list this year?

These days

These days life is so busy. L just finished a football season that was undefeated. For a small boy with heart but tends to be very sensitive he did better than I could have dreamed. He was even awarded a trophy for "pound for pound best player". Not bad for first time playing!

R cheered unfortunately not for her brother but another team. She did awesome like everything R does. We are so proud of her.

Baby K is not a baby anymore now that he is 2.55 year old. Everything is "why". His love for Thomas the train is un-paralleled. He refused to potty train, He loves to try and be just like his big brother and sister.
He is a joy.

E has a job but it sucks. It is hard to be positive after all this time of trying to find a job, people not wanting to touch him because of his past salary, moving twice and selling our house for zero dollars only to get a job where your boss lies about salary and bonuses and is making half of what he did in his last job. Not easy when rent prices don't go down.

I love my job but wish it paid more. Who doesn't right?

We are so excited to spend the holidays with family and friends without having to travel! We can't wait to see what the new year brings for our new chapter.
I am going to go into the last month of the year and into the new year with positive thoughts, hope and prayers!

Our Disney Trip

We had a great time in Florida. Surprising our kids was the best part of the whole trip for E and I. We it right as we were leaving for school. The bags were packed and we were off to the airport instead! They were so excited and grateful to go to Disney and visit with their grandparents.

They got to relax at their grandparents house, catch lizards, swim, ride in the golf cart (their very favorite every time!) and visit Mickey and Minnie.

We had a great time as well, although I wish we had one more day for down time and maybe some alone time for E and I.

It made us feel so good to be able to give this to them and us after all of the sacrifices we had to make the last few years. We still have so much farther to go, but we are trying and hopefully things will continue to go e way they should so we can get back to where we were.

Making Memories

After three years of being at our lowest lows, we can finally see the light. After losing his job and not being able too find one, after selling our house foor no money, after moving to a new state for a job that was anything but and not eating so our kids could eat- we are finally on the upswing.

Tomorrow we can finally give our kids something we dreamed about for 3 years. tomorrow we are surprising our kids with a trip to Disney!

Surprising them is more exciting too me that actually gooing there. I can't wait to see their reactions. They get to visit with their grandparents and Aunt and have fun. they don't remember their last trip, so this is going to be wonderful.

I can't wait to show you pictures and videoo of the surprise and trip when we get back!

Cheering Mom

I was the fun girl, the one that people liked. I had friends, I was a cheerleader. I was popular the one voted most likely to succeed. I have always a boys' girl. I had as many boy friends as I had girl friends.
Less drama.

I have always been under the impression I was the cheerleader mom. I love a high ponytail, dressing up and being a girly girl. My daughter is the same way.
Imagine my surprise when we joined cheering and I hate. all. the. moms.

I hate the stupid way cheering is run, the drama, the moms who have never cheered except when the ice cream man rolled their way but love to tell you what to do and how to do it.

I am very surprised to realize I am a football mom.
I love the drama free fun, the boys being boys. The moms who don't stress over the small stuff.

I already tried to get E to do the cheering stuff in my place but that was a no-go either.

I will put my head down, try and stay out of the cheering drama and try to push soccer for next year!

Okay to say goodbye?

This blog has been such a huge part of my every day life for so many years now. Since we moved back to NJ and I am working, I found I don't need this crutch as much. I hesitate to close it because it is so dear to me.
I never started it to have thousands of readers a day. I was lonely and started this blog waaay before most people heard of "blogs". I had twin babies and a husband and was now in a new role as a stay at home mom after working my adult life.

Now my twins are starting second grade tomorrow and my baby is 2.5. I am working once again and trying to rebuild our lives like they were before E lost his job almost 3 years ago.

I don't want to let go but maybe I have to. Maybe it is something we all have to do with lots of things in our lives, but we need someone else to tell us it is okay first.

So, is it okay?

K

Two years and five months ago this miracle came into our world:



Dont let his blue as sky eyes and curly locks fool you, this angle is a devil in disquise.
He is almost always dirty and always into things. He helps himself to whatever is in the fridge, climbs on the train table, throws food onto the floor and screams "no" when is told what to do.
He has both his older brother and sister wrapped around his fingers, as well as his parents.

He climbs up ladders with no fear, copies his older siblings and cousins. He wants to be a big boy but is still a little man. But make no mistake, if you tell him he cannot do something- he will prove you wrong. He can and will.

He eats too much junk, loves to sip our coffees if left unattended and throw things into the tub. He makes more of a mess than the twins put together and loves to call other kids "baby" no matter how much older they are then him.
His curls are almost always matted with juice and his feet are always black even though he wears shoes. He picks out his only clothes and loves to watch the same episode of Barney over and over (I know!).

He demands attention any where he goes and old and young, stranger or family he gets it. He was named after my father and he certainly has his personality, Fun, warm, sweet, fun, kind and outrageous.

I love him deeply and madly. I fought to have him and can't stand to see him grow so quickly. I want him to stay my baby forever.

Sometimes at bedtime when he has his blankey drapped over his chubby belly and calls for me to come lay with him in my bed, I will the image and feeling of his little arm around me gently patting my back, to stay with me forever.
I know it is something I will feel again as I leave this Earth.

Our hearts are forever intertwined and I wouldn't have it any other way.

1 Bathroom Home

"Well, I am N E V E R eating at papaya king again!"

"why?" I asked

"I feel sick add that is all I ate today"

"But you just ate a sandwich from Blimpie"

"Nope. It is too soon for it to be Blimpie, I knew that hot dog looked funny to me today"

"A funny looking hot dog? Isn't that an oxymoron? How does a hot dog look any different than it usually does?" I ask as he runs off to the bathroom.


Let me tell you, this is going to be one of those nights I don't care how poor I was, I want my 4 big bathroom house in NH back!

My Rules

Believe in something

Don't look back to feel sorry for yourself, look back to see how far you have come and to learn something

Notice the little things- they are usually most important

Listen to what your mom says because she is usually right

Hate is not the opposite of love, it takes too much energy. They are closely related and each mean you care. Indifference is the true opposite of love

Always carry MILK (money, ID, lipstick, keys)

Dance in the rain with someone you love

Don't be stingy with your love but be picky

Hug a stranger

Go somewhere by yourself with bare essentials and a good book

Listen to other people's stories. Everyone has one and they are always fascinating.
They will tell you about yourself

Don't believe in fate but do believe in Karma

Hold a baby

Make a wish on a shooting star every time you see one

Always help others, there is not one reason not to

Truly listen

The answers are everywhere, just breathe

Make sure you have a good, firm handshake

Laugh so hard that you can't breathe, repeat often

Everything is beautiful you just have to look

Your parents are right- you won't really know what true, undeniable, awe-inspiring love is until you have your own child

Don't give up on yourself. Never give up

**********************
Those are my rules, now let me know what yours are......

For R

When I was pregnant with my twins, I thought they were both girls. When I found out baby A was a boy I was very surprised, it was if I never knew I could create one of those. Maybe I was just hoping for a girl.

Boy did I get one. R is sweet and spice and everything nice- sometimes.
I read once that a mother daughter relationship is tough because you see all of their faults as your own.
Maybe that is true and maybe it is not but I see how difficult a mother/daughter relationship can be and I have only been at it for seven years.

R is almost mythical to me. Sometimes I just stare at her as if I don't know what to do with her. It is as if I found a unicorn in the woods, would I want to jump on it and ride it as fast as I could to see all that it could do and scream to the world about what I just found, or would I gently pat the beast and look tenderly in its eyes knowing what it knows and visit it every day while telling not a sole about this wonderful creature?


I love the way she laughs with her mouth open and her head tilted back. I love the way the short hair around her face curl on a humid day. I love that her eyes are so green they remind me on Christmas trees.
She is tall and lean built like and athlete. She is fast. She is brave. She is kind to others and is a good student. She makes friends with everyone.
She is everything I want to be.

I want whisper in her ear all the mistakes I made so she wouldn't repeat them. I want to make sure she loves herself as much as she should.
I fear for her when she wants to act older, I want her to enjoy being seven for seven more months, it goes too fast. Every day she wakes up she is a little older with a little less "little girl" written all over her face.
She can tell me she doesn't like princesses or dolls or playing polly pockets anymore all she wants. To me, I think even when she is an adult, I will still see her as my little girl with her head held back with a huge smile on her face playing with her dolls in my arms.

I especially love that I know it will be one of my final pictures in my mind as I leave this world.
I love you R- for eternity.

Where I Am Now.

I often wonder if most people are like me, constantly examining where they are in their lives?
Am I where I should be? Am I content? Do I do things differently from now on?

Being honest with myself, I stayed a stay at home mom for too long. I needed something else to occupy my time and brain. I thought being home with the kids 24/7 was what they needed but what about what I needed?

I like where I am right now, I am working great hours, just got a raise, being with my kids after school/camp, lost a good amount of weight and although E says I am too hard on myself, I still promise myself before I fall asleep every night to be a better mom and wife tomorrow.
Why do I still have no patience with the twins fighting with each other? Why do I yell so much? Why raise my voice when I don"t have to?

I try. That is all I can ask of myself and the only reason my self doubt doesn't evolve into self loathing.


I hate cooking in this kitchen and I figured it out- it is because this kitchen sucks. It is small and has no dishwasher. There is no counter space.
All of my top of the line, stainless steel appliances are in the garage collecting dust as I try to bake cookies, 6 at a time in my tiny stupid oven.

I love to cook and bake and it frustrates me I have no room for groceries and no counter space to speak of. Cooking doesn't bring me joy anymore- it is a daily chore now.
I get that I am only punishing myself and my kids by not cooking anymore and I think of great chefs who cook in TEENY kitchens in NYC.

I promise to try more for my family. To not get too upset when I decided to just "prepare" dinner instead of making dinner. I won't put too much pressure on myself.
It is all I can ask of myself, enough to be happy but keep the loathing at bay.

Pasta, Baby

he Wanna vote for this cutie? He and I would appreciate the prize and will reward you with more cute belly photos in the future. You can vote for him (every day :)) Here:

http://ronzonismarttaste.newworldpasta.com/blogger/

you can also find great recipes on the Ronzoni site as well as be a fan on facebook.

Summer Time

I never dread the end of school. I love my kids and it isn't until week 3 of summer vacation that I get exasperated by the lack of being able to occupy their days what with the 349,347 toys and games they have.
I love summer and not being rushed or have the whole day to explore with each other.

This summer is a little different as R & L will be going to camp M-F from 9-3 while I work and L is at my sister's house. I know they will love camp with their friends and when it is over we will have a few weeks to go to the beach, amusement parks and other fun day trips before football practice for L begins.

I am excited about this coming summer and what we will do. I am still loving my job (I just got a raise!) and my flexible schedule. In the fall things will be a little different as I will have more responsibility around the house because E is going to be getting his masters degree at night. Change is good, right? These past two years have been all about change and I think it has made me a better person.

I know this summer will be great for all of us.