Sunday, July 08, 2007

With Daylight Comes The Sun

Did I ever tell you how I was stalked by Kabbalah peoples? Well, it was my own fault, I contacted them first.

OK, before you judge let me explain.
My father had just died. There was no reasoning in my world. I didn't believe in god, in fact if there was one, I despised him. I didn't want to hear "everything happens for a reason" or "god knows what he is doing" or any other ridiculous, thoughtless, obligatory shit. Oh, do babies die for a reason? Do children suffer every day for a reason?

That thinking just wasn't for me, and I wanted to strangle anyone who dare speak it to me. Including my Mom, the church goer, the god believer, the one who lost her own father was he was in his early 50s and she was 25, she of all people should have known better.
It could have been my denial and grief speaking, the fact that I myself wanted to die, the unbearable physical pain that wracked my body every day, the only escape was the shower where I would let it out, my cries silent, my body wet and crumpled not allowing anyone to see how truly fucked up I was.

So I searched not for answers per se, but for meaning. To life, to death, to ebb and flow, I am not sure, but I wanted there to be an answer. Even if I didn't like to hear it, I wanted to know and to grow from it.

I read. Self help books, grieving books, books on Taoism, on life, on anything, searching. Kabbalah wasn't as prevalent as it is now, it wasn't yet cool to sport a red string but I researched it. It brought me comfort, it alluded to some answers. I contacted them to get more information. They called me every day for months, telling me about the books I would need and the prayer books, the materials, the string. To find my answer, it would have cost me hundreds, which I would have gladly paid, if I was sure. Every phone call they gave me, lead me away from them, they wanted my money, and maybe my soul.

Four years later, I am older, not much wiser and I still don't have the answer I so desperately searched for, because it is not there. Belief is what you need. Like my Mom, where belief is what gets her through the days, the people who believe in luck, or the person who believes their are spirits "guiding" them. Even the person who believes everything happens for a reason.
I believe there are good times and bad. Some people have more bad then good. Some people make the bad into good. I believe that people are not born bad, but made that way by other people, time and life.
I believe that bad things happen to good people and even assholes can get lucky sometimes. I believe it takes more then just money to make you happy. I believe in good friends, soul mates, that people need to take more responsibility with their lives and the lives of their neighbors.
I believe in goodness.
Is that faith? I have no idea, I just know what gets me through the day.

5 comments:

  1. I'm like you....I respect whatever people have their faith in but you know....one needs to find their own. Whatever works for each of us.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I lost my mom about a year and a half ago - You just wrote what i finally think I believe. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I respect other people's belief systems. However, I'm not a huge fan of people that hunt you down like a fugative to stuff their logic down your throats KWIM? But I agree with slick - everyone should do what they need to do spiritually.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I wouldn't necessarily call what you described as faith. It's just what is. So many of us are just struggling to get through each day, trying to find our meaning as well. The big difference is that so many people still keep it bottled up, instead of expressing what it is that they're feeling. The more we all get things out in the open, the less alone with these feelings we'll be, the more everyone will be willing to care about their neighbors and lend a hand when they can.

    I'd add one more thing to the end of what you said: I believe in using this goodness to begin to heal all the broken people. Together we can make a difference.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Getting through the day is what matters.. :)

    ReplyDelete

Talk to me