I was standing in the kitchen last night, holding K. E was giving the twins a bath upstairs and for the first time that day, the downstairs was quiet except for lullaby music on in the family room. As I stood with him in my arms I felt the weight of his body shift. I realized I was moving, like all mothers do, rhythmically swaying for the baby in my arms. I was dancing with the new little life that I made.
I wanted to take in that moment and save it, I wanted to store it in my memory bank for later. I will save it for a day when he is a grown man and I can't recall the little baby he once was in my arms.
I have a habit of trying to do that. To try and wish a memory into forever.
When I was two weeks shy of delivering K, we took the kids to the park. I sat there watching my kids play and my husband was chasing them. They all were laughing the big, deep belly laughs that only a father can give you. They were so happy. The sky was a brilliant shade of teal and the grass was particularly green. It was a view like out of a movie.
This was my family and I was so lucky.
Tears sprang to my eyes as I wished it into my memory.
"This is what I will see when I die" I said to myself.
I hope my favorite memories can flood back when I need them most. I want to always remember how it felt to have my babies in my arms. How they smelled, how soft their skin was.
I know I will remember the love I felt. That will never fade for my babies no matter how old or frail I get, or how old they get.
I will always remember the love.
I just know it.
2 months ago