Tuesday, January 10, 2006

OBGYthehellamIhere?

This morning I was in a rush, I had an appointment to visit a new nursery school for the kids. E & I got to the school just time time for our tour. We liked it, didn't love it but upon seeing the tuition ($800 a month for both of them, 3 hours a day 3 days a week) I really didn't love it.
That is highway robbery. For 8 grand a year my kid better have some sort of useful diploma when they graduate.

I came home, kids went into bed for "quiet time" and I sat down at my desk. I rifled through some papers trying to find the number of other pre-schools, more financially up my alley and I stubbled across a piece of paper with my doctors appointment on it. It was for today.
AND it was for my annual pap.
Great. I hadn't shaved my legs in awhile and I had other things to "clean up" if you know what I mean. I rushed to do it.
I debated bringing my kids to the appointment but decided on not scaring them for life just yet so E came home until I finished with my appointment.
I got to my new doctor's office and it was a full house, at least 7 women ahead of me.
I did the walk of shame to the scale and then slinked off into my room. In this office they didn't make you get naked, just clothes off from the waist down and unhook your bra.
It was just like high school sex all over again!

I took off my pants and then, as usual, hid my underwear under my jeans. I still have no idea why I do this.
Then in swooshed the doctor ready to feel me up. I was ready.
Then the dreaded pap, which when I get it done I always feel like I am going to pass gas, and then I am frozen with fear that if I move even an inch I will fart, right in her face.
I never have, but it is still a fear. I am *sure* this is what she fears also.

Then after wondering if we should get drinks later, after all that foreplay and stuff, she swooshes right out leaving me in an unhooked bra, a shirt, socks and feeling slightly used.

Hey, at least there was no gas.

5 comments:

  1. That was hilarious! My last pap was done by my midwife. It was the best one I ever had. She actually warmed up the speculum in water first! I barely felt a thing. I wish I could have her do all my paps. I might have to get pregnant again just to avoid having the doctor do it.

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  2. The worst is when the doc tries to have a conversation with you while doing the pap- like "So going on vacation soon?" And I think every woman I know hides their underwaer in their pants.

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  3. I laughed out loud...farting in her face. And why do we hide our undies when our girly bits are hanging out right under their nose? At the risk of sounding like shameless promotion, I leave you with this link
    http://allisontannery.blogsome.com/2005/11/14/avoiding-the-annual/
    which is my own harrowing account of the dreaded annual.

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  4. I am getting so mad at my DSL connection. I lost my post!

    You sound exactly like me when it comes to the OBGYN. I've actually farted while undressing because I'm so terrified to fart when she comes in to checks me. I hide my underwear as well so no worries!

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  5. OMG, you are HILARIOUS! I'm so glad you stopped by Manic to delurk because now I found you. Loved the high school sex comment and drinks afterward!!

    You are very funny, and I LOL at least three times reading this. still have a smile on my face!

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