Three Hearts Walking Around The Outside Of My Body

I haven't written about my kids lately so I thought I would update you and jot down these memories before they are lost somewhere in my mommy brain.

L is my first born (by 1 minute) and he does not take on that role at all.
He is still as sweet as sugar. He is the follower, he looks for his twin sister to lead. He is quiet and a little shy and wants to please everyone in a different way than R wants to please everyone. He wants to make sure he doesn't make anyone mad or hurt, she would like the praise of being "good".
He fell into the deep end of a pool in May and all of a sudden forgot how to swim. I yelled for him to swim but he went under, came up and went under again. I was the only one watching 5 kids in the pool at the time so in I went with my clothes on to rescue him. I can't even think about what would have happened if I wasn't paying attention, or walked away from the pool for a second. Those are thoughts that creep in at night and I push them right back out.
The trauma of that led him to believe he couldn't swim at all, so I signed the kids up for swim lessons. L did wonderful and has overcome his fear and is swimming like a pro. I am proud of him for that, he is brave.
He is making easily friends here in our new state and picked up where he left off in NJ and once again became the "best boy" in school.
He loves sports, riding his bike, berries, kefir, animal planet, ice cream and helping me bake.
I love my sensitive, sweet smart boy like no other.

R is feisty and always has been. If there is ever a kid to put your money on- its her. That is not to say she won't be a handful as a teenager- at 5 she already acted like she was 15. She wants to be like the bigger girls, instead of just enjoying being where she is in life.
She is smart and quick. She tries to get away with things and when you call her on it-she gets mad. She has a temper like her mother.
She is an actress and would love to sing and dance on stage.
She will have to learn the hard way that just because she is quick and beautiful doesn't mean everything will be handed to her forever.
She loves her twin brother, and bosses him around like hired help. They can fight like an old married couple but if you separate them, they always sneak back to each other. That is the sweetest part of having twins.

They both started to read this year and I am so happy, I hope they love reading as much as I do!
R loves singing, High School Musical, pasta, Parmesan cheese, drawing, feta and helping me bake.
She is beautiful, and caring and smart and more than I ever wanted my daughter to be.

Baby K. Wow.
He is an amazing baby and makes me want to have a dozen more. He is not the baby who was content to sit in a swing or on his gym or jumper. He has always wanted people around him and to entertain him. We always obliged.
He never sits still, that kid is on the move. He crawled early, he walked at 10 months and hasn't stopped since.
He is sweet and stops to hug me or his toys (while he says "ahhhh!") at least a few dozen times a day.
He loves playing in water, his brother and sister, pasta with sauce, avocado (his FAVORITE), Baby Einstein DVDs and balls. He is an amazing eater with only green beans and tomato being on his "not gonna eat" list.
His head full of curls reminds me of myself when I was a baby. He is a Daddy's boy and E is so in love with this little one.
We can't wait to see who he is going to be, but don't want him to grow too fast.


Since I have had R & L I always say "this stage is my favorite" because really, they all have been my favorites. If I could keep my kids 2, or 4 or little forever I would.
I just love being a mother to these amazing people.

They will change the world someday.
They already have.

The One With Good News- Finally!

Finally after almost two years, hundreds of phone interviews, countless face to face interviews, hopes being lifted and dashed, E has received and accepted a job offer!
The offer is good. It is selling something to pharmaceutical companies instead of being a pharmaceutical rep like he has been for over 10 years.
It is with a small, laid back company and seems like a great fit for E. He will still be able to work with his cousin and when the economy gets back on its feet, and the people get back on their feet the company will flourish.

We have been feeling like we were drowning for all this time and it has been hard and the sacrifices have been great. It was worse than I ever wrote about, partly because if I wrote it out-if I had to see it in black or white, I might just give up. It has been more than stressful and it is visable on our faces.
We have been low.
We can only hope this is the upswing, that we were meant to move to this state and it was for something bigger than we could imagine.
We can finally devote our energy to our family and although we will in no means be rich from this job and the next couple of months will still be a struggle, we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank god for light.

Visitors From Planet Teen

With money VERY tight around here these days, I did not attend Blogher this year even though I had my heart set on it. Today you won't see great pictures from BlogHer parties or witty, inside-joke laden posts from me because I spent the weekend with my two sister-in-laws and teenagers. (cue horror movie theme music)

E's one sister lives in Florida and doesn't visit much at all. His other sister lived by us in NJ and she has 2 teenagers. Both of them descended on us this past weekend. E was happy to see his sisters (one who is going through a rough patch) and they were happy to be back in NH and see some family.


Did you know teenagers are messy? And they sleep a lot but not at night, their best sleep is in the morning. Or afternoon. Or evening, but who is waiting anyway?
They also use a lot of shampoo. They don't know how to hang up wet towels or that maybe bras shouldn't just be left on the floor.
They eat a lot- and none of it was green/was grown/or picked/or can be labeled with words such as "healthy" or "nutritious".
They love to bicker. And Text. Hopefully not sexting.

Who knew?
I am in for a bumpy ride in about 6 years, aren't I?

Body By Baby

Women have enough body image issues, after you have your first child things really seem to spiral downward. Even if you lose the baby weight after you have children, your body is just different.
Assuming you don't have a personal trainer, chef, nanny and plastic surgeon on speed dial like some women do who look like they never even thought of having a baby never mind actually birthing four.
I am talking about YOU Brooke Burke.

Even if you decline desserts and try and fit a workout in, the kids will kill any bit of self esteem left.
Like when my then three year old daughter told me my nipples were HUGE. Not the Paris Hilton huge-meaning-fantastic, either. Huge.

When ever I am in a fitting room with my twins or getting dressed/undressed, because what do 6 year olds know about p-r-i-v-a-c-y, they watch me have bowel movements for christsakes, they stare.
Not the good stare like you got in clubs in your 20s either, these are can you believe what we are seeing stares. Mouth agape stares.

Then they are all like "what are those markes on your stomach" and I am all "helllooo, stretch markes from your big asses" and they are all like "Oh, okay" and I am all like "HEY! stop with the judgements! Try and have 15+ pounds of baby in your body AT THE SAME TIME and see what markes appear on your bod. The bod I made you by the way, in my stomach, therefore producing markes of stretch".

Yeah, that will teach them to barge in on me when I am getting dressed. At least I avoided the hair grows there? talk with my friend- the Brazilian.

Comfortably Numb

Did you ever have the experience where something has happened in your life and it sucks and is devastating and maybe strange. Anyway, this things happens and you still have to do regular mundane, routine things and all the while you are looking around wondering how these people can just go on with life.
It is like watching the world from a new perspective. Like watching time pass with a bug's eye, 12 views of it all.
Like going through motions with a viel over your face. Things are muted and that is okay with you, you can't take the bright sun or crisp views just yet.


I have been thinking about those times recently. Like the day after I was told I was having triplets but they are measuring very small and please go home and wait to miscarry them.
It was this small window of time where I was pregnant, but not.
My body was still tired and queasy but now it was all for nothing. I had dead babies inside of me and I felt the urge to just blurt it out to people I saw on my travels.
The people who were just going on with life's daily chores. The same ones I did to keep my mind off what was happening to me. Of course, that didn't work. It never does.
It was like I was holding in this big secret and nobody knew it but me.
It was limbo.

"How can you go on?!" I wanted to yell from my car window. I wanted someone to see my red brimmed eyes at the grocery store and hug me and whisper into my ear "I know and I am sorry". I guess you don't get that when you live too far from your best girfriends.
Tomorrow you tell yourself, the veil will lift a little bit.

Generosity

I can't read any articles or watch any television shows about this economy. I turn off the TV when Oprah has a show on middle class families living in a shelter and I put down the Time magazine with articles on what jobs are still booming.
I don't have to see or read about it, I have lived it.

Long time readers will know that times have been very hard for us. After E lost his job, there were a ton of other people looking for the same work in the same field as he was. The truth of it is, if we didn't have family we would have ended up in a shelter.

We were not rich, we were....comfortable. We had a very nice house in a nice neighborhood in a nice state. We had two cars (one was a company car) and some nice furniture and 3 great kids.
When E lost his job he also lost what came with it: our insurance, his life insurance, his car, his 401K, laptop and a lot of pride.
If it wasn't for our family we would have lost our house, not have any cars (because of course my lease was up the month after E lost his job and did you know people don't sell cars to people who don't have jobs? Strange!) and probably would have ended up in a shelter.

So, the people I judged in the past about not having insurance ("who doesn't have insurance? Just get a job and it comes with health insurance" my naive ass once said), the people I judged about having kids they couldn't afford, the attitude I had because E and I are both intelligent, educated people and how could we ever not get a job, I am sorry and I have learned my lesson.
I have walked in their shoes, but for the generosity and kindness of some people, there goes I.

I will never judge people again.
I will never think that cannot happen to me.
I will never take for granted what I have.
I will always remember what is the most important things in life.

The next time you see a homeless person don't turn away offer him a dollar or a meal. When you turn on the TV and there is a show on homeless families watch it. Those people could have been me, and they could have been you.

Maine

Yesterday I did what I told E I would never do again: venture into the unknown territory that is Maine and attend one of his relatives wedding.
You see, the last time I did that? It sucked.
On my first trip up to NH to visit his family and attend a wedding I received a nice case of food poisoning as a wedding favor.
Not from the wedding but a byproduct of the wedding.

I also crossed a few things off my list of thing I have never done and never want to do including but not limited to:
1)Poo-ing blood
2)using a porta-potty
3)defile 2 out of 3 bathrooms in a strangers house
4)use a gas station bathroom
5)drive in a car for 4+ house all the while thinking I may die at any minute

You see, this wedding took place in a backyard on a hot Maine day where the only food that was served was cheese & crackers, and fruit and someone made a TERRIFIC executive decision to keep them directly in the sun.
No, that is not where my case of food poisoning came from, it was out of desperation of not eating all day so a stop to a rest stop was made and a Burger King burger was purchased.

So you see where it all went wrong: a trip to Maine for a wedding.


The wedding yesterday was nice. Not at all like the weddings I am used to in NJ/NY. Different. Casual, and very pretty.
The coastline is beautiful and I would show you pictures if I didn't fall into the ocean whilst trying to save my camera from falling into the sea and hurt my wrist and pride.
Now my computer won't recognize my USB when I plug my camera into it.

Moral of the story? Maine is nice but stay home.
It isn't worth it.

Wordless Wednesday

Linktastic

My in-laws are coming today for a week. Their visits are so much less stressful here because they stay with E's Aunt & Uncle. My mother in law is an immaculate housekeeper so I am cleaning and straightening the house like a mad woman. No matter what you think of your mother in law or what she thinks of you, you still want her to know you keep your house clean.
Even if it is a illusion.

I am also refusing to let myself write about Michael Jackson or Jon & Kate. Or the fact that I got carded at the grocery store last week when I bought cooking wine.
It is enough to make me implode.

I will leave you with some great links for you though while I am cleaning whatever my kids are messing:

Win a 6 piece layette set from First Impressions!

Find out how I taught my kids to ride their bikes in 3 minutes flat

Win a pair of ADORABLE pair of WeeSqueak sandals

Win a set of cool band aids including a make your own which I am dying to steal

Here are 46 cheap or free summer fun ideas to do with your kids
because we all know how long summer can be when you have kids!

The Hardest Part Is Letting Go Of Your Dreams

When my Dad dies, I was so unprepared for it. From not feeling well to sitting on the hospital floor holding his hand just after he died took two whole months.
I never got to say goodbye because I thought he would make it. It is my most painful regret.

I was reading this post today and it had me thinking of what an hell those nights were after he died.
The sheer weight of grief put me to sleep those night, but I would always wake up at 3am.
I would be wide awake and my mind would take me to horrible places. I would watch TV in bed to quiet the voice and take my mind off of the grief.
I had never had trouble sleeping before, I thought this was just a phase and I would "grow out of it" once I felt better.
After months of waking at 3am, I decided to take over the counter sleeping pills. They worked and I could finally feel rested again.
Then those stopped working as well so I moved on to the good stuff like Ambien and Lunesta.

Before I knew it I had been taking these pills every night for over a year. I loved them, it finally squashed the noise and let me sleep, a good dead sleep, but I knew I had to stop using them. It wasn't healthy.
I slowly weaned myself off of them.
I could sleep again without medicine!

I know that my sleep was interrupted because my brain was trying to wrap itself around the fact that one of the most important people in my life was now gone.
I know it was a symptom of my problems.
I wish I could have handled myself better, I wish I got the proper help I needed and probably still need.
I am happy I had the sleep medication when I needed it because at least I was sleeping and able to function to take care of my 1 year old twins at the time.
I just hope I never have to use them again.

#1MOMBLGR

There is one thing different about New Hampshire then I have seen in any other state I have been to: EVERYONE has personalized license plates.

At first it was so funny, the first weekend I was here my sister and I would try and see how many we could spot on the way to the grocery store.
Then it just became odd, really odd because you felt like you were the odd one when everyone has one but you.
I get it Granny5, sunkisstan, redsox1 and famof7, you want everyone to notice you.
Maybe I will get my own plates (as soon as one of us gets a job and has $1k to register our cars here), but what do I put on my plates?
Here are some of the ideas I have floating around:

GodHatesNH
urplatesRstupd
2muchsnow
NJmafia#1
Ucantdrive
#1NHblogger
flwmeontwitter
agrl&hercar



The whole thing makes my head hurt. Guess what? I don't care about your vanity plates anymore.
That is until I was behind a driving school car this morning.
Its license plate read: MYBAD

Now that, is funny.




Also please go over and read my other blog, I want to know if you post pictures of your kids online?

Things I Hated About Yesterday

Things I hated about yesterday in chronological order:

-Waking up

-Waking up to a crabby kid who cries and stomps his feet for me to hold him when I was just trying to put on my bra.
I have to put my bra on right away because I hate the feeling of gravity on my boobs. (or the effects of gravity on my boobs. Whatever.)

-L hit his head on the side of the pool during swim lessons and when I got over to him, his mouth was filled with blood. I finally found the source- a small but deep cut next to the corner of his mouth. Off to the urgent care center we went.

-Duh, I have no idea where the urgent care center is.

-My phone was dead when I went to call E. Had to borrow one from a stranger.

-My poor baby needed a stitch in his face and he was so scared. He was a trooper but nothing is worse than when your baby is scared and you just want to hold him, but instead a team of doctors and nurses have to hold him down because he is screaming.

-After all the drama and we fed ourselves, washed the kids and put them to bed, I noticed I had been wearing my shirt inside out- ALL DAY.
Of course this was the one day that I actually left the house and had been to the town pool, urgent care and grocery store.
All with my collared shirt inside out and it was tagless so everyone and their mothers could see my size.
Yes, of course I wore my hair up all day.

-After enduring weeks of bad reality TV, namely I'm a Celebrity Get me Out of Here, I forgot the finale was on last night because I was so disturbed by my inside-out shirt and missed it. All of that bad TV for nothing.

So yeah, Wednesday can suck it.

How We Got Here Part 2

You can read part one here.

So we had no choice- we had to move. Despite my bad attitude because I did not want to leave my family, my state, we moved.
Well, E moved in September living with his cousins until we found a place to rent and sold our house.
He traveled the 6+ hours each way to come home on weekends. The twins, the baby and I were left to fend for ourselves and keep the cats alive all while trying to keep the house clean for house showings.
It was not easy. In fact it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Easier than carrying 15+ pounds of babies in my body for 9 months.

On February 1st we all moved to NH. It was cold and there was more snow piled up on the lawn that I have ever seen. It was going to be a long year.

I am not like my husband, I do not adapt easy.
I like my "stuff" and I like knowing where I am going and I like visiting my friends or family when I want to.
I spend too much time rolling around the bed moaning about how much I miss Wegman's or my hairdresser. Like I told E a hundred times: I do not do rural.
But rural I am.

Things were good, we were unpacking, the kids were getting settled in their new house and school. E was busy at work.
Then they had less appointments.
Next their clients had hard times refinancing their homes, getting loans, things that E and his cousin make their money off of.
The commission checks slowed.

Now the financial crisis has hit home once again, only now we are stranded in a new town, in a new state with a lot less jobs then our old town, in our old state.

We have nothing to lose, because we lost it all already. We gambled and came up short again.
Now, what are we going to do?



To be continued.............

How We Got Here

It was Autumn, leaves were falling, the air was crisp and I was five months pregnant. I was excited to add to my little family of four. The twins were excited to get another sibling and all was falling into place. All except my husband E hating his job.
E was good at his job, great in fact. He was given many awards, voted to lead by his peers and had a decade of experience in his field. The problem was his boss.
She was new and wanted to fit in the big boys club and needed someone to mold into exactly what she thought the company wanted: another her.
She groomed E for the position, he was talked up, promised promotions, put on the fast track and it all came to a screeching halt when he did one big old no-no: He disagreed with her in a meeting in front of their team.

A cardinal sin. He was told he didn't have what it took to be on the fast track, he was treated like a new trainee instead of someone with as much experience as her, he was written up for petty, silly things. AS fast as she gave it, she took it all away.
We knew she was mad enough to strike hard and called his HR to tell them he knew she was setting him up to be fired.
The next week he was fired.

He had no recourse. We could sue, but didn't have the time or money for lawyers. He needed another job now.
"It shouldn't be a problem" I told him after all he received job offers on every interview he had been on in his life so far. With all he knows, he will move on to bigger and better.
Not so.

The economy really started the downward spiral, I was pregnant I needed insurance, nobody would hire me in this condition.
We scoured the Internet, made calls, put his resume on every site imaginable and nothing.
He went on 30 interviews and never got a second call back.
Talk about a blow to your self esteem.

I have never seen my husband so depressed, feeling so worthless.
We were on the verge of losing everything and we would have lost our house if millions of people were not in the same position as us and the banks were waist high in people who could not pay their mortgages. We consider ourselves lucky because we just promised the bank we would sell our house and they agreed not to foreclose-yet.

So we put the house up for sale, E decided to work with his cousin in NH and we would move there.
"How are we going to live on a commission based job?" I asked. "We have no safety net, nothing to get us by until you can learn the job and make money!" I would argue.
"We have no choice, it is the only offer I have had in 9 months" E told me.

We had no choice.

To be continued....................

Wordless Wednesday

I'm A Horrible Reality TV Viewer, Get Me Out Of Here

Thins I learned While Watching The Most Education Summer Show, I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here:

1) My summer show standards (say that 3 times fast) is at a all new low.

2) Lou Diamond Phillips' head is very oddly shaped. I can't stop looking at it.

3) I think Janice Dickinson looks good for her age, but would look better without so much work and the oil she must grease her face with 24/7. It is like the gel they use for your ultrasound. Unless Janice's face is pregnant, she should lay off the stuff.

4) I miss Sanjaya's hair. Hair made that man.

5) Really "celebrities"? You may as well call this show I'm nobody you have ever heard of until now but now I invade your every thought with the shape of my head and greasy face sucka Get me Out Of Here.
It would ring more true.

6) Torrie can kick your ass. I am scared of her.

7) Some shows that were made in Britain are better off staying in Britain.

Who Doesn't Love Lemonade?

There are very few celebrity moms that I like. Kelly Ripa is on top of my list. She seems real and warm and appears to be just like any of the moms that I woudl meet at a school function. Only with a better job! Plus she is a Jersey girl. Bonus points!

Kelly Ripa, has teamed up with Electrolux to kick off a virtual lemonade stand campaign to help support the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund, a cause close to Kelly and to women everywhere.
This summer, exclusively at electroluxappliances.com, you can design and open your own virtual lemonade stands and even pick the flavors of lemonade you want to feature. For every lemonade stand opened at www.electroluxappliances.com, Electrolux will donate $1 to OCRF. In addition, you can help the cause even more by selling virtual glasses of lemonade to your friends and family; 100 percent of the proceeds will go to OCRF. And to help spread the word, Electrolux is giving away an elegant new French Door Refrigerator with Perfect Temp™ Drawer!
Who wouldn't want this awesome refrigerator?



Go and visit my stand and make your own! While you are there check out the recipes of the great lemonade drinks.

Summer Of Lobster

I hate it when I want to do something special for my family and it turns out to be a failure. Today I was trying to bake my family some extra goodness and I had strawberry bread on the brain. I made the executive decision to make it a strawberry bundt cake since I didn't have two loaf pans.
Everything was fine until I tipped my bundt onto the cooling rack and a tiny piece broke off. I put that piece right into my mouth and I realized what I had done wrong-I forgot to add the sugar.

I actually made a healthier treat then I was trying to and really, it isn't that bad without the sugar. My kids still ate it. E ate it.
I am trying not to think about making a cream cheese icing for it, because that would be so delish.
This was a minor baking fail, but I was disappointed in myself. Sometimes I realize how perfect I want to be and how I let myself down when I can't be or do everything perfectly.

I am trying not to be so hard on myself, and this is something I will consciously try to work on this year.
Also on my list of things to do this year:
-eat more lobster
-try and do something outside my comfort zone at least once a month
-take more pictures of the baby
-eat lots of lobster
-cut out soda (almost have done that)
-let the small stuff go when it comes to my kids
-try lobster with even MORE butter then I would usually use
-do more crafts with the kids
-lose 25 lbs
-did I mention lobster?


Yes, the last two things on my list are counterproductive. I am aware and trying to lose the weight on a all lobster diet.

I Will Never Win NIght Time Parenting Awards

I have written about how my boys are roosters many times.
They get up at the crack of dawn, they are hard to put to sleep and wake up in the night screaming "CUUUPPP OF MILLLLLK" or "WAAAAAAAAAH" way too often. I, like most every parent, hate the night time wails, I just can't deal. I am a terrible nighttime parent, E is much better than I am but I can handle putting the kids to bed a bit better that my husband.

Baby K sleeps much better these past few weeks since I have been using your tips. I did what I used to do with the twins, we have a routine, I stick with it and put him awake in his crib. He is usually a dream to put in for a nap and slightly harder at bedtime, but not terrible.
E and I deal with the "not terrible" much differently.

I have my routine and if he cries in his crib after I put him down, well then, I just let him cry. He usually won't last more than five minutes and he is asleep.

If K cries for more than 4 minutes and E is home, he marches right up there and does whatever he has to until the baby stops crying and goes to sleep.
He can't take the crying.

It is not like I adore hearing my baby cry either but I know that it is okay for him to cry a little bit and usually by bedtime, I am done with ALL of the kids and they need to stay in bed and I need a stiff drink.
This is why E is a dream night time parent because when anyone wakes in the night crying he is usually on top of it, while I lay perfectly still and pray/beg/make deals for the crying to end on its own.

No, it never works.

Who is the better night time parent in your house?

Mama Cub

I always tell E that he better make good money because our kids will never leave this house. I tell him that they will never be allowed to attend sleepovers and play dates and all of those have to happen at our house. So we better stock up on food, drinks and pool tables.
I say those things to E half kidding, half truthfully.

The truth is: I am scared to let my kids go to other people's homes because I fear everyone to be a pedophile.
You hear the stories on TV, the missing girls, the priests, the kids who fall through the cracks and nobody sees the warning signs. You watch Oprah.
You hear the neighbors, the parents say "I never thought he could be a molester... he was so nice...he was friendly and helpful...a family man and on and on.
Of course what you see on TV isn't a complete representation of the public and doesn't mean every child is being molested by their neighbor, but so many are, and just how many are never, ever reported?

R asked to go over the neighbor's house yesterday to play with the 9 year old girl who lives there. I have no problem with them playing in our backyards where I can see or hear them, but I don't want them in the house.
"What if they go in the house?" I asked E who rolled his eyes at my- his words- overreacting.
Am I overreacting? Isn't it my entire job to protect those children at all costs? If I fail them....well, I cannot even think about that because it is not an option. I will NOT fail them.


I have had talks about their body and how nobody has the right to touch them. I told them that if grownups ask them to keep secrets from their parents then those are bad people and they should and can tell us everything.


How much is too much? When a parent asked if R or L can come over for a play date, what do I say?
"I prefer if all play dates are at our home" sounds pretentious and "I am scared your husband or father is a molester" may be a bit too much.

I wonder if there is such a thing as too cautious or too protective and I am not just talking about helicopter parenting.

I want to know what it is other parents do.
Do you allow your kids to go over close friends homes that you trust? Do you educate your kids and let them go and be kids? What about school friends and neighbors that you don't know much about?