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I know I have anger issues. I try to control my anger or deny I have problems but lately because I have so much on my mind, I know I haven't been handeling it well at all.
I know I yell at my kids too much, I also know sometimes I expect too much from them. But sometimes the crying or yelling is just too much for me and I just want to run out of the door and never stop running. I always see the news stories of people shaking their babies, or hurting their kids, and I could see how you could go over the edge if you were not strong minded or if you had no support system or if you were just a crazy person.
Not that I would ever hurt my kids or condone it but I could see the line that makes some people cross it.
To judge people, other Moms more specifically, is something we all do, don't deny it. It is easier to say, I would never get my kids vaccinated/circumcised/put in daycare all day or go outside the house in dirty clothes. Then you have kids and you pick and choose your battles.
What you want to do and what you can do as a Mother are sometimes on opposite sides of the color spectrum. I am going to try to be a better Mother today, and then tomorrow a little better then that. I will try not to sweat the small stuff, one day at a time.
Today I will try to be green. Not too dark and not too light.
Just green.
6 years ago
I used to say, back when I had four kids at home, three of them in diapers at the same time, that I could understand how people could get up and kill their whole families in the middle of the night. Just hang in there hon, somedays are WORSE than others, but it will even out in the end.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Tuesday Girl, for visiting my blog.
ReplyDeleteI hear the stresses you feel. As a child growing up in an alcoholic home, I learned to fear anger—the anger of others and my own. It took me decades to get over that fear.
Now I try to remember the words of Sophocles: “One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life; that word is ‘love’.”
Blessings to you and yours!
oh honey. i see that line every day. i often think 'man, i can't believe how fucking HARD this is'...
ReplyDeletethe fact that you are saying it out loud is great. you're already trying to work through it. pat yourself on the back. and get some help. if you can't afford a housekeeper, get a highschool kid so you can do laundry with headphones on and know she can come get you if she gets in trouble. money well spent.
it's the hardest thing to demand our own time and space. but we all need it. i hope you can get some for yourself. and i also hope you know you're so not alone.