Tuesday, February 06, 2007

I know I was Born And I Know That I'll Die, The In Between Is Mine.

Thank you for all your kind words yesterday, it did help me.
I didn't go to the cemetery like I usually do because it was 9 degrees below zero here yesterday. I couldn't bring the kids out in that kind of weather. I will probably just go myself this weekend.

It is entirely a morbid practice. I buy some flowers, I go and sit by his grave and I clean it up a little, tell him how much I miss him and cry. If my Dad was here he would tell me how stupid the whole thing was and not to visit him. Or cry.
I can't help it though.

I want to think "why him" why so young or so good of a person, why with such young children and why let him suffer? I rejected god. Or the entire idea of a god. I was sick of hearing from my mother that "he" had plans and we can't question them, they will never be answered, or that everything is for a reason. That is a bullshit way of saving yourself from knowing the truth, maybe there is no reason, maybe it just "is".

I didn't want to know that anything good could come from my father dying.
But it did, In the face of great pain, my family become closer. Friendships become deeper. Life becomes sweeter.
It is vital to be reminded of loss to remember to how to love our family and friends while they are still here.

When I accepted death is just a part of life, I felt better. I don't want to search for answers that I will never find. I just want to live my life the best I can, I want to raise good people and my family is the last thing I want to see before my body stops working.

I want to have faith again. Faith in life and death. Faith that I will be able to tell my Dad again how much he means to me and how very much I missed him. Faith that I can tell everyone I know what they really mean to me. Faith that someone will miss me as much when it is my time to go.

That is how I go on.
That is how I will honor my family and how I will honor my Dad.


  1. Oh Honey... I have been away from the computer so I missed your post from yesterday, but this just breaks my heart...

    You are so courageous and I hope that if and when I am faced with the same situation I confront it with the desire for continued faith that you have shown.

  2. I hope that you will one day be able to find the kind of faith you are looking for.

  3. I only thing that did me faith was the death of my father. (1940-1992) I just have to believe that someday I'll see him again. That is the faith I hold on to. My very best wishes to you.

  4. I think my fiance struggles with the same thing. Last month was the one year anniversary of his dad's death and it was (naturally) very difficult for everyone.


Talk to me