*&@#$

I made a nice dinner last night and the whole family enjoyed it. About an hour after I ate, I felt really full, uncomfortably full.
It got worse, and worse.

At 9:30pm I decided I had to take one for the team and make myself throw up. I really dreaded it and tried other things first but it was my last resort. I sat down in front of my lovely new toilet and thought about my dinner I had eaten. That is all that it took.
All I will say about it is; throwing up meat is SO disgusting.

I felt 90% better after, I was on a high, I couldn't believe how much better I felt. Then the chills came, and the aches and the inability to sleep even though I was exhausted.

I believe I had food poisoning. I had in once before in 1997 due to a cheeseburger from Burger King in some shitty rest stop in Maine. That was way worse, but this was no picnic either, my friend.

Pray for my stomach.

When Life Gets Awkward

I remember my ninth birthday, for some reason I was really into my birthday that year. More then I recall ever being. I stood in front of my big lemon cake, my face aglow in the light of ten candles smiling so big as everyone sang happy birthday to me.

Fast forward ten years, I was mortified that my parents sang to me on my birthday in front of strangers! I didn't want the attention, I didn't want to be sung to.
I remember thinking, when the hell did that happen?
When do you start hating "Happy Birthday" and why? Is it because we are getting older, or less in need of a "moment"?

In a related question, at what age do we stop referring to our age in halves? You almost never hear of someone saying "Well, I really came into myself now that I am 36 and a half" or "I had my first lesbian experience at 25 and a half".
Almost never.

Blogs

I am in need of culling my blogroll list. I also need new blogs to read. If you see a blog missing from my list, let me know.
Also hook me up with some cool new blogs, your favorites!

Should I Stay Or Should I Go

E and I are decided whether or not to go to Live 8. We live very close to Philly but it would be big trouble getting in because they are closing roads at 6am and then parking is a problem. We would have to go really early & just wait for hours and with the heat we have been having lately, well it may not be the best idea.
I can't even run the steps like Rocky did because it will be too crowded and plus that is a gay idea.

I would like to see Destiney's Child, Jay Z, P Diddy, Sarah Maclachlan and Stevie Wonder. I don't really care for the rest of them.

Plus I hate Will Smith.

Would you go?

Yucky Weekend

I did not have a great weekend. On Saturday I wanted to go home to visit my sister and help with her new baby. On the way up I got a flat tire and I really freaked out. Thank goodness I was close to a gas station so I pulled in. The gas station couldn't help me because they didn't have the help or some bull crap like that.
I called home to ask E what to do, but he didn't bring the phone outside so he didn't hear it and I had to call my Mom instead. Thank goodness she was nearby so she came to hang out with me while we waited for roadside assistance to come & put on the spare so I could go to Sears Auto & get a new tire for my 90 mile ride home.
Sear Auto promptly "fucked me in the ass", as E said and over charged me for one measly tire. How am I supposed to know, although I took basic care car in high school and got an A, I really know nothing about cars or any parts of them.
And if E wasn't deaf, then maybe he would have heard the phone to answer tire questions.

I have never even pumped my own gas.

So now I am going to research my car and have E teach me to change a tire, check fluids and all that manly stuff.
I refuse to wait for any man to answer the phone to help me.

TMI

I have my period.
Every since I had people come out of my body, my period has been different. Not good different, either. It is harder/faster/stronger/unpredictable/more painful and just a jerk.

How about this, big pharma stop concerning yourself with men's penises and if they can get erect for 238 hours straight and make something for my period THAT WORKS. Novel idea huh?
My period laughs at advil, tylenol and pamperin. My period raises two middle fingers and gives the big FU to any over the counter pills.

How about something that prevents me from getting a full day of diarrhea every month with debilitating cramps? Yeah, trying to care for 2.5 year old twins when you have cha chas is not fun.

This post was brought to you by the letters P M and S.

The One Where I am on TV

So I was contacted from someone who works for ABC and reads this blog. She liked it so much she would like for me to audition for the show "Wife Swap". If you are not familiar with the show, it is about two wives who swap lives for two weeks to see how other families live.
I like the show, but for me?

Can you imagine, I would probably be the woman that has to swap lives with someone who has all teenage boys who miss the seat when they pee and leave dirty plates under the bed. I would probably have to shovel horse manure for my job and have pluck my new husband's nose hairs.
That is not for me.
Plus I would have to pretend I am a better house cleaner then I am for the sake of television. I would also have to wake up extra early and put on mascara and comb my hair so the world will think I am a "beautiful morning person".

I could never leave my babies to the care of a perfect stranger so I could never do it, but imagine if I did. How fun!

Tuesday swaps lives with a right wing/conservative/bible preaching/racist/dirty/mullet having/squirrel eating/loser family and kicks some ass on national television.

Good stuff.

Pooped

Well, I am an Aunt again. My sister had her second son at 2:10am today 9lbs 9 oz 21 inches. I am exhausted and I feel like I gave birth.
My sister did great, she had a tough time pushing him out because he was so big, but she did it and I couldn't be prouder. I got to see him be born and it is something I will never forget.
He is gorgeous and so chubby.

I am going to sleep now because I have been up for 27 hours.
Welcome to the world Baby A!

Mondays Stink

I am officially in the post vacation blues. I wish I was relaxing on the beach sipping yummy fruity frozen drinks. Instead I am facing a mountain of laundry and a dirty kitchen floor.

There is a new law I want to pass in this country, it is: all bathing suits must come with adjustable shoulder straps like a bra.
Why the fuck don't they? I can't take the straps falling down or, just not staying on properly at all. I have one Donna Karen bathing suit that has the adjustable straps that I may have to wear for the rest of my life.
The bummer is that it is red and I am not really a red person.

Secondly, I noticed more and more people using grape jelly. I am a strawberry jelly fan and grew up in a strawberry jelly only household, so I am new to the grape thing.
I am liking the grape jelly though not as much as strawberry, and I hate marmalade.


Well, this was a boring post.

Home Sweet Home

Did you ever get home from a vacation as tired as you were when you left? That is us.

My kids were not the best sleepers while we were away, so we didn't have the most alone, relaxing time but we did have a great vacation.

We lounged on Fort Lauderdale beaches, swam in various pools and did a little shopping.
You can't beat that, now can you?

The kids had so much fun with their cousin and LOVED the pools. They spent hours jumping off the side into our arms (mostly, my son was very careless who was there when he jumped. Very scary!).

Now I am off to unpack and do oodles of laundry.
BTW, my sister kept in that 10lb baby of hers, so now we are waiting for the big call! I can't wait.

Leaving On a Jet Plane

We are leaving today for hot sizzling Miami, although it cannot be any hotter then here. Wish us luck since the babies have not flown in about a year.
I am loaded up on dollar store goodies, including some for E.
My sister went for a sonogram on Thursday and they told her the baby was 9lbs 4 oz!!! She is only 37 weeks. Her first son was 9.9, but this is ridiculous.
Pray that the baby doesn't come until I get home on Friday, since I am the assistant coach. I really want to see this baby born and it would ruin my vacation if she can't hold that darn turkey sized kid in!

During my brief hiatus, talk amongst yourselves.
Possible subjects:

lunchboxes of the 80s
ways to get cat puke out of carpet
which bulk shopping club do you belong to
how to hold a 10 pound baby in for 6 days
and
the mullet: pros and cons

No Jury In The Land Would Convict Me

If my sister in law doesn't get here soon to pick up E's parents, I am going to drop kick them back to Florida.
I swear.

I cannot take the incessant talking and the sheer volume of it. They NEVER shut up.
Here is a piece of conversation I was privy to at 8am this morning:

"Do you want grapes? Do you want green grapes? Do you like Green grapes? I like grapes. Yum, grapes. Do you like red grapes? Tuesday, did you taste these grapes? They are very sour, the kids don't like them. Yuk, sour grapes. "

Both of them talking at once, fast & furious.
I feel like dying.

If one of them at any point would realize I was trying to watch the news, and the babies are loud enough, if they would shut it for like 3 seconds, it would be a successful day.

I love Pizza

When I say I want my pie, I want my pie.
Or else.

Out Laws

In know my in-laws don't really like me, but that is ok because I know that any other woman in my situation would have stabbed them 197 times by now.

I love my son, I truly do but I pray I never come to the thought that the sun rises and sets on him. I will try to remember he is a person with faults and imperfections.
Someone should tell my mother in law that.
I love E, he is a great Dad & Father. The best, and I could never imagine my life without him. But anything that is wrong/broken/hurt/not fully cooked/drunk/not totally clean is my fault.
Never E.

Please.

Someone send in reinforcements now.
help.

Today I have to find other ways to amuse my in-laws. Yesterday I pulled out all the stops, baby pool in the backyard, huge diner, made a chocolate pie for dessert, fun fun fun.

Today, I got nothing. I am out of fun, cool things to do.

E gets off so easy he claims he has to go to work for 7 hours, whilst I am stuck at home with one car and 3 adults and 2.5 year old twins. He will owe me BIG TIME. Believe me, I will collect.

I think today will consist of a trip to Target, trying to stay cool inside ( it is going to be 90 all week! help) and trying to feed all of us at the appropriate times.

Who wants to come over and help? Or at least come over & bring a gun.

AWOL

I won't have too much time to post this week because my in-laws are here. (#*^$!)
They decided to make a visit so they babies won't forget them.
Listen, if nothing else I will have great stories to share.

It is HOT here in NJ and I want you to remind me to never complain about the cold.
I made E take a swear/oath that the next house we buy will have a pool or we will build one asap.
I am about to start digging one here.

LOST fans here is something for you:

1. Go to the "official" Oceanic Airlines Website.
2. At the bottom, where it says "Travellers," enter Hurley's unlucky lottery numbers: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42.
3. Click the "Find" button..
Click on the row numbers on the flight's seating chart that match Hurley's numbers.

You will die!!!!!

Oops

I watched oops I did it again last night, where old bands come back to play their old hits.
Oh, man. Flock of Seagulls had hit hard times. Fat, gross, bald.
Is Tiffany pregnant? If not, she needs an underwire bra, because her chest was hanging out everywhere.

Anyway the show was pretty bad, but it is the summer and you cannot be to picky during the summer. I take my standards down two notches in the summer.

What is your embarrassing summer show that you are going to watch this summer?

Sad

I am missing you today,
like always
I still remember your smell, your voice and the feeling of your stong hands on my back
I hope I can remember them forever
I see you in the ocean, I feel you when I am on the beach, when I think I am alone
I know I am not

Thank you for everything you taught me, for your humor and for all of your love
even when I tested you, you stayed and loved more

I wish you were here, just for a day for even one more moment
I would show you my children, you would say they remind you of me
you would tell me my daughter is stubborn like I was and you would laugh
a laugh that would tell me that I was in for a lot of trouble with her, but it would be worth it
You would think to yourself that my son reminds you of yourself, with warm eyes, sweet and loving
I would tell you that you were the best, but you wouldn't have believed me
but
you really were

I would tell you how much I ache for you, how much I cried for you
how much you are missing
but you would not want to hear that

I understand


I wonder if the tears will ever dry, if I will ever stop being so sad
If the knowledge that a piece of me is missing, a huge piece, will ever fade
like the sun into the horizon

I never knew the sun would still return and the Earth would still rotate with out you
I thought it was impossible

I just miss you.

D.T.

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Terrible Twos

Well, it has happened. We have entered a new stage that I thought I would never have to go through.
The picky clothing stage.

I thought that if you were just firm with your children or distracted them, then there would be no problem with picky clothes. I assumed you would just have to tell her kids "this is what you are wearing today" firmly but with love and all would be right with the world.
Now pay attention to what I am going to write next, because it doesn't happen very often:

I was wrong.

Baby A hates the first shirt I put on him every day. You would think I would wise up and put a shirt I don't want him to wear on first, then the old switcheroo when he demands "shirt off!".

Baby B covets Baby A's pajamas and wants to wear "Thomas jammas" or "snake jammas" too. Instead we have to tell her how cute her lemon drop pajamas are or how funny the cat PJs look.
It does work, most of the time.
Lets all hope this phase goes fast, fighting about clothes is one battle I don't want to fight. I also don't want my kids leaving the house looking like hobos. Silly me.
I remember being about 9 or so and wanting to wear this ornate headband although I already had barrettes and a pony tail. My Mom told me, after a short fight where nobody would give up their position, "fine but you are going to look stupid!"
I am sure I did but it was "me" and that is what I wanted to be at the time.

So I am sorry Mom but you were wrong and I am going to try not to make the same mistake with my kids.
So if you see a girl out with twins looking like hobos, that is me and those are my kids.
We will always just be ourselves.