Life....Or Something Like It

I am SO sick of changing poops it is unbelievable. I just changed a nasty one this morning where even my son exclaimed "Its disgusting!".
I was all "no shit!" (literally haha)

The babies really have no interest in potty training, so I am trying not to push them, but I really wanted to do this in the summer. I bought the panties, I have the potties, I even regaled them with stories of a big trip to Toys R Us where they can get anything they want but, no interest.

Diapers are expensive, man.
Jeesh.

In other news, there is no news. Life has been fairly boring around here which is both good and bad.

I guess I should go practice my vagina tricks.

Situation: Crisis

I am a good Mom, I know I am but when it comes to crisis, I know how much I will suck at being a Mom. I have no idea how I will clean up a child's puke without writhing on the floor, crying and puking myself. If there is massive amounts of blood anywhere, I will be found laying on the ground, passed out. If there is ever a bone protruding out of skin, I will just die.

But today I passed my first motherhood crisis test: A foreign object up the nose.
Baby B decided at lunch today to stick a dried cranberry waaaaaay the fuck up her nose. I tried to get it out with tweezers to no avail, coaxed her to blow out and even put black pepper under her nose so she could sneeze the sucker out.
No good.

We went to the doctors office and an alligator tweezers, a great doctor and 20 minutes later we were cranberry free in all of our orifice's.
Wait until the insurance gets that $90 bill for a cranberry extraction.

Suckas!

Weather People Stink

What I love about living in NJ is also what I hate: the weather. I love that we have four seasons and I could never live anywhere that was hot all year long, or cold. I have a short weather attention span and if the weather doesn't change every 3-4 months I will wither up and die.

That being said, I hate the extreme heat and cold, for reasons other then the obvious, it is because of the weather people*. When a snow storm is coming or when it gets to be about 90 degrees, the weather people go buck wild. Suddenly it is breaking news. "It's HOT!" "Be careful, the SUN is out and you may get hot." "If you do not have air conditioning, please go somewhere that is, like a mall."

Thanks for all of the advice. I think that I know how to get cool, I know to wear light clothing and I know to drink water. Does anyone not know this? Then they target older people, like they in all of their 80 years have never felt hot, or know what to do about it.

When it is going to snow the weather people all gather on main street and tell you it is snowing, as if you don't have windows. Then they tell you to drive carefully, because people are not aware. Then they tell you we will get 19 inches of snow and you get all psyched to not be able to go to work the next day, but in reality you only get 2. Bastards!

Not to mention the people who run out and cause traffic (driving slower then an old man easing out of a warm bath) and lines because they must get Bread! And Milk!.

Not to mention that almost all weather people are smug and annoying and almost always wrong. It is the only job you can get consistently wrong and never get fired for it.

Well, that and the President.

* With the exception of Sam Champion because he is hot. He can check my temperature any day. Woo woo.

Weekend

Yesterday we went to the beach with the kids. We live about 40 minutes away from a beach that I spent my childhood summers at. It is strange being there as an adult and having my own kids there, I still feel like I am 12 as I drive down the main street and look at what has changed and the few things that are the same. It plays like a movie in my head, flashes of memories, the movie of my life.

Anyway the beach was great, the most crowded I have ever seen it though. The babies had a great time, but this year they will not go near the ocean. They wouldn't in Florida either, but last year they couldn't get enough of it. I guess it is scary, so we just hung out on the dry sand and played. Next time we go to the beach I have to bring another person, because going into the water by yourself because your spouse has to watch the kids is boring.

Now are are hunkered down in the house because the next two days here are going to be "excessively hot" with the heat index peaking tomorrow at 110 degrees.

Help me I am melting.

All I Ever Wanted

Seems like everyone is on vacation this week. All my blogger friends.
E and I wanted to go away for our fifth anniversary in September, which we have planned to do since we returned from our honeymoon, but financially we cannot afford it.

Whatever, there are worse things in the world. I am going to focus on the positive.
The positive for this weekend is that I am in full alcohol supply. That means the capt'n and I will be mingling with a bit of pineapple juice and calling it a night. Before we will call it a night we will watch Being Bobby Brown on tivo and love every minute of the trainwreck that is his life.

Ahh Fridays..............

OBGYNot?

I am in love with the fact that I am not the only panty hider, there are many of you that slip those undergarments into a pants pocket or between folds of your tops. I for one, will stop hiding my underwear immediately and lay it loud and proud on top of my clothes.
I am proud to wear undergarments and I want the entire office to know about it!

Pink Lady said they should offer waxing in the office in addition to a nice pap. I agree!
Why stop there though? Why not pedicures? How about a doctor who can teach us great vagina tricks, that would be great. I would love to do tricks with my vagina for long car rides or boring parties. Why not a tour for men who have no idea how a women's body works and thinks his two pumps will satisfy his girl? Maybe a vaginal laser light show!

Then everyone would have a good time at the OBGYN. Life is supposed to be fun, right? For the doctor as well as the poor soul spread eagle on the table, panties all hidden.
I am going to try to make it more fun for my doctor.

As a matter of fact I think I will practice paying my co-pay with my vagina.

Secret

The secret is, that this could be my secret.

Anxiety

I have to go to the gynecologist, and lets just say it is not my favorite place to visit in the world. I hate the waiting, the waiting again in the little cold room with no magazines. I hate that they give you false hope by calling you into that little room, separating you from your only form of entertainment in the doctor's office: people watching.

Then they make you strip down and put on the, easily ripped, blue robe of death. I pile all my clothes neatly on the chair being very careful to hide my underwear and bar under my clothes. Why do I do this? Do I think the doctor would be shocked to find out I wear underwear? Has the doctor not seen panties before? So I second guess myself but I still play hide the panties with myself.

Then I just sit and wait, all the while the stirrups are mocking me. "You are going to be spread eagle for all the world to see in just awhile" "your breast are going to be fondled by a woman who will not be buying you a drink first" and my favorite mock " you obviously waxed just for this appointment and the doctor knows it".

Ahhh, I dread it, I really do.
I dread any activity when someone tells me "ok, now scoot down a little more........A little more>.."

Thankful

Yesterday we went to my friends house for a BBQ. It was a great time except for the weather. It was SO humid that just sitting down you were dripping with sweat. It was so humid that 12 hours after I took a shower my hair was still damp.
Gross.

The babies are so pooped from yesterdays festivities that they are taking a 3 hour nap for me now. Bonus Mom time!
I think we will be stuck in the house the next two days because it is so hot & humid here, we all might melt.
Thank god for central air conditioning and who ever invented it. I also want to thank the good lord above for blueberries, "favorite" T shirts from the gap, iced tea, flip flops, peonies, four seasons, bonus Mom time, new baby smell, gardenias and drawstring pants.

Did I forget anything?

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The good: guys were checking me out the other day, blatantly which is the way I like it

The bad: Perhaps they were checking both my friend and I out, but recollection is a funny thing and I omit things as I see fit. That is how I roll.

The ugly: E keeps pinching my shoulder and saying "you've been pimped" which is why I should put a parental lock on MTV, MTV2 or any other channel owned by Viacom.
Also E is now without any facial hair because whilst trimming his goatee he trimmed a tad too much and had a slight Hitler, which by any account is not good.

Home Sweet Home

I miss my hometown.
I love my town and all that it has to offer. I love my neighbors and all the stores that are so close to me. I love my house, my yard and much less traffic. But somehow even though I have much more then I could ever afford in North Jersey, even though I love it here, I dream of being home. All because that is where my entire family is.

My entire family lives in one county, where I could not buy a 50 year old, 3 bedroom ranch house with no upgrades for less then $350k. I could do that, but it would be a tradeoff. A smaller house with less room for STUFF, less yard, less room for the kids to play, less room for toys, for having a close family.
Or we can stay here and travel 1.5 hours to visit family and all of our friends. It is hard. We made the decision to stay here for our kids who deserve more then we could have afforded there. E does not want to move home but would do it for me, for my happiness. I don't want him to be unhappy but whose happiness is more important?

We will see what will happen in the future, but its hard being away from my Mom, my sister and all of my family.
I miss them.

Confession #3

This is my postsecret.

Sometimes I go shopping and find something to wear that I love. The only problem is that it runs small so I have to get a bigger size or 2 bigger sizes. (First of all a medium, or a small should be universal not the more expensive the garment the smaller the cut! Bitches!)
If I feel like I am buying too big of a size when I check out I ask for a gift receipt, so the salesperson doesn't think I am fat.

Hot Hot Hot

I am planning on hibernating today because it is going to be 96 here today and that kind of
heat + me= enemies. The babies never seem to drink enough when we are outside either which make me nervous they are dehydrating. Then I picture myself rushing them to the emergency room because they haven't had a wet diaper in 5 hours and that kind of stress I do not need.

This week we have all kids of things planned, story time at Pottery barn kids, swimming, a trip to my Aunts house and a BBQ at my friends house. Summer fun finally!

On a side bar, you know what else pisses me off about South Jersey as opposed to north Jersey? No Italian ice. They have water ice, which obviously is as redundant as it is strange. Hello, I need a good Italian ice not slush with a tiny bit of flavor. Even the ice cream man doesn't have ices. Very sad.
Jeez.

Blah Blah Blah

Yesterday I took my kids to go see my sister and her kids. My oldest nephew was in school for most of the time we were there, but I was happy to see him get off the bus. He rides a bus now to school, and he thinks it is the greatest thing. I guess it is for a 4 soon to be 5 year old.

I had plenty of time with my new nephew and I could not stop kissing him. He is very squiggily and chubby and kissable. It gave me baby fever.
I have an announcement internet: I think it is time to start trying to have another baby!

The twins are 2.5 now and I don't want to have another child too far apart from them. My sister and I were 3.5 years apart and it was great. We would be in the same schools, but had our own friends.
It is a scary prospect, and slightly bittersweet because I loved being pregnant and another baby will most likely be my last. So I am nervous, tentative, excited and anxious!

So that is it, I guess E & I will be having some fun this weekend. : wink:

Who Taught Them to Talk?

Here is a snipt of a conversation I had with my 2.5 year old daughter today:

Baby B: IT stinks here, Mommy!

Me: That's because you just hid over there to do poo poos in your diaper

Baby B: Oh!




Baby B : Baby A stinks!

Me: Why does he stink?

Baby B: his poo poos stink! It's disgusting!


Sigh. I never met anyone so disgusted my poop but so determined to wear a diaper her entire life.

Weekend Review

The weekend was good all in all. We didn't go to Live 8, but watched most of it on TV, how great was Pink Floyd?
Saturday we also went to the children's museum with the kids for awhile. They enjoyed it as always and I enjoyed the fact it was empty which is a rarity.
Sunday we hung around the house and went to the local firework celebration. We had a great time, they had food, a terrific band and the best fireworks I had ever seen. The babies loved their first fireworks, but later complained they were "too loud".

Yesterday we had "thanksgiving in July" where I made a turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes instead of BBQing again. It was gooood!
This morning the kids and I went to story time at the pottery barn kids right by my house. We go weekly in an attempt to do something different and to maybe make a friend for Mommy. No friends yet, but maybe next week.

We really couldn't do much this weekend because we are broke. Broke, broke.
Like, "I am afraid I may lose my job because I can't afford to do lunches and I hope I have enough money for gas to go to work because my car is a gas guzzler, maybe this house was out of our means on one income" broke.
That is broke.
Mostly this came as a surprise to me because E had been keeping it from me partly out of embarrassment and partly to not stress me. Well, I am officially stressed.
My hair is falling out in clumps because of all the stress. We are in bad shape and I need to go back to work part time, E is looking for a new job and a second job.
E is really depressed and feels he is a failure, which he is not. It is a lot of pressure on him and it makes me feel terrible to see him so sad & depressed.
It is really expensive here in NJ and we live in a relatively cheaper part of the state!

If you could, please send us good vibes, we really need it now.

All Better

I feel much better now, thank goodness. How do people take care of their children when they need to be taken care of themselves? I have E, and he can come home early, so that made me all better. I really needed someone to watch the kids while I recuperated.

We decided not to go to Live 8. It is just too much with the street closings and parking situations over by the art museum. It would have been great to be there, but I am sure I will be able to see it and hear it better on TV. Cuba Libre will have to wait, but not long because I will be there soon. I love a good mojito. We have no plans for this holiday weekend, I don't plan on driving to my hometown because the traffic is horrendous in NJ this time of year. I hope we can just have a relaxing weekend because E is so stressed about financial problems. I am too actually so much so that my hair is falling out. Not good. I have to look for some part time work and it is not as easy as I thought.

So send us good vibes will ya, oh yeah and also send us a winning lottery ticket!