Fall

I have nothing to write about today.
Nada.

I think my daughter is fighting a cold, she woke up this morning tired. I am letting her sleep the day away and giving her vitamin C. E is sick and I can only deal with one sick child at a time.

Tomorrow we will go apple and pumpkin picking. The kids have been looking forward to it for months. It is such a great time of year with apple cider, fresh baked donuts, apple pie, carving pumpkins, fresh crisp air.
I really love fall.
Here in NJ some of the leaves have started to think about turning colors.

What are your favorite things to do in the fall?

Our Anniversary

As I waited in the doctor's office to be called in, a old man came in pushing his equally old wife in her wheelchair. He wrote her name down on the sheet, pushed her into a comfortable spot and sat down next to her.
Just as he sat down he bounced back up, he unbuttoned the single button on her sweater that he had lovingly placed over her shoulders.
She was handicapped, in what way I didn't know, but she didn't have full control over her muscles and would scream out every few minutes or so.
I stared at them, not because I found her to be a freak but because of the love they had.

That little, frail man cared for his wife in every way possible even though he himself was not young and spry anymore. He wiped the drool from her chin, he took her to doctor's appointments, he waited with her, he made small talk with the people sitting closest to him, he asked her if she was warm or too cold, despite the fact she never answered him.
Call it what you will, what I saw that day from that man was true love. It brought tears to me eyes, and it made me think of my husband.

On Friday we celebrated our sixth wedding Anniversary.
It wasn't a good day by any means, it became clear that I was truly miscarrying our babies and I felt like a failure to my husband. He had never made me feel like that, that was all me.
In the height of my sadness and anger I asked why is all this happening to me, I felt like God's cruel joke the past three years.
I would finally gather myself and I remembered who was sitting by me all those trying times, through the surgery, the needles, the funeral and all the bad news.
It was E.

My love for him has grown more then I thought it could. I love him so very much, more then I could ever express here.
The greatest writers and poets could never convey how great of a person, husband and Father he is.
I won't even try.

On our wedding day, six years ago, the sky was so blue and was speckled with puffy clouds. It was the day you dream about when you picture your wedding. Warm and so very beautiful.
On Friday we had the exact same weather here. On this day though, we weren't in a limo wearing fancy clothes, we were driving home to meet some of the people who were with us that very day, and we had two beautiful healthy kids in the car with us.
Our kids.

That is how I know that through the storms and rain, when we don't think we can make it through in one piece, we will come out into the sunshine and things will be so clear.
So very clear.

The Way It Was

Last week we went for our first ultrasound and the technician told us the babies (three!) were measuring very small for my LMP date which would have made me 10 weeks. We did an internal ultrasound (yuk) and found they were tiny, too tiny for a heartbeat. The technician was all "this is very rare, I have only seen it two other times in 19 years" and "wow, this is exciting" and I was all "how callous can you be bitch? This is my life and these blobs were my babies and you are telling me they are no longer existing in the same sentence as "wow"???
She was a whore.

Ahem.
So the next day I go back to the OBGYN where all the pregnant ladies are and wait to see the doctor who tells me that maybe, just maybe there is a chance that they could be growing so lets do a blood test every two days. I agree because I don't want a D&E and if there is a chance I will take it. But I had no hope.
The next day I start bleeding. That happened to be our sixth Anniversary. More on that later.
What should you do when you are miscarrying your babies? Well i went to Carters to buy a gift for my friend then went home to visit her and her new baby born the day I found out my babies were no longer growing.

Irony and those life/death, the world goes on thoughts did not escape me.

Yesterday I had the D&E because I did not get rid of all the "debris" in my uterus. For the first time in four days I don't have terrible cramps.

It is a new day with a new start.

And we will start fresh now, with a clean slate. E & I are good, because we have each other.


Again, thank you all, who left comments and emailed me. I really do appreciate it and it comforted me to know I was not alone. Women are strong and when we circle the wagons to help each other through good times and bad, it just makes us stronger.

Every Day It is Something New

I swear I am ok. I was just in a sad funk there this past weekend but I am fine. I really just want this to be over but I didn't get everything "out" by myself so now I have to have a D & E today. I really am sick of my feet up and people doing things to my girly parts, really sick, but I have to do it.

Another operation is something I wanted to avoid.

I promise I will write soon, I have lots to tell you.

Alone

Look to the clock on the wall
Hands hardly moving at all
I can’t stand the state that I’m in
Sometimes it feels like the walls closing in
Oh Lord what can I say
I am so sad since you went away

Time time ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Alone what can I say
Drowning my troubles away
Drown in my sorrows same way
It seems no matter how hard I try
It feels like there’s something just missing inside

Oh Lord what can I say
I am so sad since you went away
Time time ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Alone what can I say
Oh alone what can I say
And how many rules can I break
And how many lives can I make
And how many roads must I turn
To find me a place where the bridge isn’t burned

Oh Lord what can I say
I am so sad since you went away
Time time ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Oh Lord what can I say
I am so sad since you went away
Time time ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Alone what can I say

Oh alone what can I say

Skip This

First I want to thank all of you that are thinking of me and my family and sending prayers. I don't know if you know that is really is comforting and very sweet of you. I really, really appreciate it.
Now for my venting, and really, you should skip this shit because I am pissed now and you don't need all this negativity.

I am so fucking tired.
Tired of problems, tired of the last three years being nothing but struggles and life altering events.
I am tired of death. I miss my Dad so much at times like this, he always knew what to do to make me feel better and I would snuggle under his arms and his grasp, just the sheer feeling of his arms around me would make me feel comforted.
I am tired of being so far away from all of my family. Yesterday E worked all day and then went to his second job that he took to pay for the kids preschool, and the kids were just tired and cranky and so was I. I just wanted someone to come and take care of the kids while I napped and cried by myself.
I am tired of struggling with our finances.
I am tired of cancer and sadness.
I am tired of biopsies, of getting blood tests, of surgeries and of doctor appointments.
I am just so sick and tired.

The Hardest One to Write

You guys did not do well with your one baby vibes.
Terrible in fact.
Last night we saw three blobs on the screen.

What I should have asked you to do was healthy, viable baby vibes because the three blobs were measuring 5-6 weeks while I am supposed to be 10 weeks and they couldn't find any heartbeats.

Needless to say we are so very sad and empty.

They are doing blood work on me to be sure my levels are not still going up before we do a D & C. I have no idea really what that entails, or what to expect. I really have no idea about anything anymore.

Friends

I was always popular.
I don't want to sound boastful or like I am bragging, but it is the truth. I always had a ton of friends, boys that wanted to date me and things to do every Friday and Saturday night.
I never understand why people would say high school sucked or they would never go back to high school, I don't have the same feelings. I loved it and I think it was a great time in my life.

Not to say I didn't have times where I hated myself, or that I didn't like a boy who didn't like me back, or thought I was too fat or ugly and didn't have enough friends. I had those feelings and anxieties just like every other teenager and young adult does.

One of my best friends joined myspace and was meeting all of these old friends she had. Some were from before I knew her and some where old friends of ours. She loved myspace while I thought of it as a younger kid/musician thing. It didn't interest me.
After some persuading, I joined yesterday.
The problem? I have no friends.
Well, I have Tom and my one friend but besides that, nope.
It is my worst nightmare come true!
Who cares if I have friends on myspace or not, I shouldn't care what other people think, or if people think I am an old loser. But I do care, I don't know why but I do.
I guess this is why people hated high school.

I do care.

Oprah Has Got Balls

Not literally, but driving with another woman alone for 10 days across country takes balls. Big ones.

Did you see the show yesterday? Lets discuss.

First off, I have a Chevy Impala, and it is a nice car, quiet, smooth ride, comfortable but it sure isn't the car to drive cross country in. I would thing something more along the lines of a Escalade or a big old lady car would be better. Something to stretch out in, to lay down, to fit 700 cds, snacks, orthopedic back pillows and slippers in, which are all recommended, by me, for any trip over two hours long.
We have traveled 6 hours in the Impala to New Hampshire, and while it was fine, it bordered on being not roomy enough for that trip.
As a side bar, six hours in my LIMIT in a car, anything farther then that I fly.

Secondly, why did Oprah even start that trip without a bag of snacks. We are talking about some hard candy, bottles of water, soda full of caffeine and chips?
She is out of touch. She needed someone to tell her about the snack bag.

Did you see how Oprah didn't know how to pump gas? Yeah, well that is me. I have never pumped gas ever, in my life. New Jersey has a mandatory pump for you law, so I just pull up and pay. Easy and fun!

I can't wait to see more of Oprah and Gayle's trip, it can only get better. I mean I get bored of the radio on all the time too in the car but to drive for ten days in silence with NO radio? Not even talk radio? Oprah is out of her mind.

Today on Oprah, NJ's disgraced Governor trying to explain why he used taxpayers money to run around on his wife with some other guy. EVEN when she was in the hospital from complications after giving birth to his child.
Hiring his lover, an Israeli nationalist to head the anti-terrorism group in NJ.
I mean NJ, which is the most populated state in the country and has the highest property taxes, which are raised every fucking second, where the residents have to hear that the schools don't have enough money, funded this cat's sexual romps all around this state including some of our finest rest stops (ewww!).

I can't wait until 4pm!!!

Walk it Off

I decided I have to walk every day to keep healthy and keep some excess weight off. I really do not want to be the person that gains 60lbs with her pregnancy.
So I walked while the kids used their scooters for forty minutes this morning.

Then I came home and cancelled everything out because I ate two donuts.
WTF??

I need someone to say "stop eating that crap, you don't need donuts, the baby doesn't need a gross sugar overdose before it is even born. Don't you want to be healthy?"
Then I will say "hey, I wanted friggin spinach, but I can't have that. The donuts were there, and I ate them, lay off".

So really, even if I had the tough food love, I would still do whatever I wanted.

Damn ego.

I Want What I Want

Yesterday I woke up with a craving. It is not a pregnancy thing, I always have a strange craving, then I will get it and that will be that. If I want something gross like White Castle hamburgers I will get it and have some and I won't crave it again for another year.
Yesterday it was for spinach. Spinach sauteed with some garlic and olive oil to be precise. Well, of course that is the day all the spinach in all the of the US has been tossed in the garbage because it was killing people.
Damn spinach. I already had some delicious e coli from a craving I had in Maine 9 years ago.
Needless to say I have never eaten at Burger King since.

Jeez, I girl just wants some iron.

TMI Friday

Yesterday the naps went well, today? Not so much.
I guess they are not into naps as much as this fetus and I am. They are really missing out because it is perfect napping weather, cool and rainy.

I am so tired this pregnancy that I wonder how I worked full time last pregnancy without killing people and/or vats of caffeine.
I guess I am four years older and time just kicks your ass.

As far as pregnancy is concerned I also forgot about how big my boobs get. I swear they are huge. I am a C cup anyway, but already my cup runneth over. I told E last night I have to purchase a myriad of bras in varying sizes.
This won't be pretty.
I would post pictures but for that, you will have to donate something like babysitting time, cases of booze or cold hard cash.

Recently, I also was harshly reminded of the gas issues related to pregnancy. It is a terrible problem as they are killing me softly.
Actually, they do not expel softly, they are loud but thank goodness always scent free.
Is this TMI? Well too bad.
This is my blog and I will type about farts if I want to.

Another Rainy Day

Yesterday I went home and had lunch with my friends. Old friends, from high school and one is m,y friend from 6th grade.
The four of us are very close, always have been and every month or so we get together. One of my friends is going to have her first baby any day now, another one is four months pregnant, I am nine weeks pregnant and my last friend is trying for her second baby.
As you can imagine we had a lot to talk about.
And we ate.

Today I am exhausted, I just laid in bed this whole time the kids were in school. That is ok though, I am not going to feel guilty about it.
My son still gets very nervous when we walk into the classroom, he gets shy and doesn't want me to leave. My daughter takes off as soon as we get in their and is too busy to even say goodbye.
They are so opposite. I hope keeping them in class together helps him adjust a bit easier. I think the support of his sister is great for him.

Now, I am going to pick up my kids for school and suggest we all take a nap! Lets hope that goes over better then it sounds.

One

Have you been saying your "one baby" mantra for me? Because I am going to the doctor's office in a few minutes and if I have more then one baby in my body, I will blame you guys.

Yes, you.


Edit: What a bust! I went to the doctor's office WAITED for an hour and then didn't get an ultrasound! They do it separate from your first visit. I never even thought to ask because the first visit at my last office was all in one with blood/urine and the ultrasound. Now I have to wait until next week to find out if there is one bean or two*.
Bummer. But I do have a due date, April 19th.


* I will not even entertain the thought of three babies and whoever dared to write about having three babies in this blog, should be forced to watch the president's speech on a loop for three days straight. How dare you.

It Is Another Perfect Day

I remember how beautiful the day was five years ago. The skies were clear, the temperature a perfect September day.

I remember working at my new job that morning, bored because I was one of the only people in my office.

I remember hearing that we were under attack, that we should all go home, that all the bridges and tunnels into and out of NYC were closed.

I remember wondering where E was in NY that day, wondering if he ws ok, wondering if he was ok, if he could get home, wondering if he was alive. Calling and calling but the phones were overloaded, I couldn't get through for an hour.
I remember him finally calling me, he was safe, tears started flowing. He made it through the Tapanzee bridge right before it closed, he was smart enough to leave NY the minute he heard the news.

I remember driving home, to my little house in the woods, on top of the mountain. The mountain that had a perfect view of NYC. The mountain where we watched the smoke billow in the September air. The smoke was the only thing out of place in that perfect day.

I remember the fighter pilots that flew what felt like inches above my head, all day and night.

I remember being scared.

I remember waking in the night to ask my husband if that terrible sounds I was hearing was thunder or were we being bombed?

I remember hearing that my friend from high school was in the building.

I remember how sad I was. How sad I still am.

I remember.

Cravings

I have passed the queasy faze of the pregnancy I hope for good. You know, where smells make you sick to your stomach and NOTHING is appealing to eat? There were plenty of days where I would only eat one meal because of the queasy factor, and while some things do make me sick to think about, I think (hope) I have moved passed that.

We may have moved into the "I want everything as a craving" portion of the pregnancy. Where every day it is something new and delicious to eat.
Monday-tacos! Tuesday- burgers! Wednesday- pasta! Thursday- Ice cream!!!
Friday- a salad with everything in it!
You get the picture.

I am glad that I am not a gross pregnant eater. Like my friends who crave bananas and ketchup or the women who have pica cravings.
I am not a pickle and ice cream eater. I am just an over eater.
Oh, God, I just pray I don't gain too much weight. I only gained 19.5lbs with the twins and I highly doubt that will be the case this time.

So, tell me what your worst pregnancy cravings were, and maybe I will send a prize to the grossest craving.


This prize may or may not be bananas and ketchup.

Baby, Baby

I was supposed to go for my first OB appointment today and find out all the good things you find out on your first visit.
I got there 15 minutes before my appointment, E walked in to meet me about 10 minutes later. Fifty minutes after that my name was still not called. I had to go up and make a new appointment because I had to leave to pick up the kids from school.
The office is a busy one but waiting that long is ridiculous and I wouldn't go back to her except she was the one who found the lump on my thyroid and I am grateful to her. Very grateful.

So my new appointment isn't until Tuesday, so five more days of doing the "singleton" baby dance. We do only want one baby this time around. No more.
Of course my twins were a huge blessing but we would like to try one this time, thankyouverymuch.
I do have a 20-25% chance of having twins again, so that scares the crap out of me.
I don't know my actual due date, but I think my due date will be somewhere in mid April.

So that is why I haven't been able to sleep, and have been so tired. It is also why I was miserable while I was sick, because I couldn't take anything.

This will not turn into a pregnancy blog, but you will hear me complain from time to time and rejoice and even cry a little because you know how those hormones are.
Right now though? I just need a nap.

What, You Didn't Know?!

Things I have forgotten to tell you:

*My kids are strange. They don't like chicken fingers, French fries or hamburgers but they love guacamole, feta cheese and blue cheese.

*I have reluctantly been watching the first season of Grey's Anatomy. Everyone just wouldn't shut up about it. The first season was ok, but now I have to rent the second season when it comes out in a week to see if it gets better. If it doesn't what are all you people talking about?

*My Mom sends me inspirational stories from belief net, which I think is some religious website. I always delete them without reading them.
I feel guilty about that.

*I feel really sad about the crocodile hunter, I liked him and his shows a lot but the sadness is lingering.

* I am severely lacking on catching up on all my blogs. I am still a little sick and it has been affecting my web time.

*Oh, yeah, and I am pregnant.

School

Today my babies started preschool!
I have mixed feelings today, I am proud and happy for them and also sad they are so big and a little melancholy about being without them four hours, two days a week.
I think it will be good for all of us to get away from each other for a little while each week and it will be a great learning experience for them.

They did great, we brought them into their classroom, they saw their teacher and some boys were already in class. They showed their teacher their lunch and didn't want to put their lunch boxes in their cubby, they wanted to hold onto it.
My daughter was fine, she was surrounded by all the boys but my son was a little unsure. "Are you staying?" he said "no, Mommy will go home to wait for your school to be over then I will come and pick you up" I told him.
"ok, Mommy". I kissed him and hugged him and E bent down to hug him and seeing my tall husband kissing his children goodbye on their first day of school, made me lose it.
I started to cry.

I feel like it was yesterday that they were kicking up a storm in my stomach and today they are little people with their own desires and needs. They boss E & I around, they know what they want and when they want it, they know so much already but to me they will always be my small babies.

I can't wait for them to get home to tell me how their day was, and all the things they did today. I am sure I will grill them because I want to know everything.
After all, they still are my babies and always will be.