Thursday, December 23, 2004

Feeling Sorry for Myself

Go ahead and skip this one, I am just going to rant & rave and give myself a pity party. I can and will though, because this is my blog, but I don't want to bring anyone down because this is a great time of year where you should be happy & jolly and I am not. I don't know if I ever will be.

I am sad. I miss my Father and I cannot do anything about it. I am pissed because he was a great, sweet man who never had a harsh word for anyone, unlike his oldest daughter. Why the fuck would a great man like that be taken away from his 4 children and 3 grandchildren at the age of 53? Why the fuck are their rapist, murders, abusers living a full long life and my father is under the cold dark Earth? It makes no sense and I am pissed.
I remember last year on Christmas eve, it was the first Christmas for my babies, and I was slightly overwhelmed. The knowledge that my Father was sick and it may be the last Christmas Eve with him made me sick to my stomach. If you asked me what my favorite memory of my life was I would have always told you Christmas Eve. My Father made it magical and special. To have to face the holiday this year without him is unbearable. I don't know how I am going to get through it. I wish I could hide under the covers only to emerge on January 2, 2005. That way I would be somewhat happy that 2004 was over, because it was the worst year of my entire life.
I am pissed that my siblings may not ever remember Christmas with my Father, and that my children and nephew never will. To them he will only be a face in a picture.
I know God knew I could never bear this burden of being without my Dad so he gave me my children, two at a time, because my burden would be so great. If I didn't have them I probably would have killed myself for the thought of living a long life without my Dad did not compute with me. I could not fathom it.
I still can't.

This Christmas I will be grateful for my babies and my husband who stuck with me even when I actually did hide under the covers. I will try to be strong for my family who misses him as much as I do. I will love them and tell them so, because I know how precious and fast moving time really is.


  1. I have a feeling that your dad will be with you at Christmas and he sees how your children are growing every day. I am sorry for your loss Sounds like he was a great dad :)

  2. Anonymous9:09 AM

    Indeed, your children were a perfect blessing. Be grateful you had a wonderful, loving father in your life. He is, I'm sure, looking down on your with such a warm smile in his heart for you.

  3. I can't begin to understand your loss. But I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.
    Holidays are hard time for those who just lost someone. We have lost a grand parent each year for the past three in a row (two in one year). It never gets easier to bare such a burden. But you learn how to except it and take it as you own.

    But, it sounds like you already know all of this.

    No one who was great to just one person is ever forgotten.

  4. I am a touchy feely person, so imagine me rubbing your shoulders as I write this.
    I am so very sorry for your loss. Holidays are tough but the fact that you have your own children is the saving grace, the one good thing that you can find comfort with. Venting on the blog is good, crying and screaming better, and then when you feel that you are exhausted emotionally, snuggle with your two angels.
    Bless you and have a better Holiday


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