Friday, February 04, 2005

Nothing Much

I don't much feel like writing today because a year ago tomorrow my Dad died. I know, I know, you are sick of hearing me whine about it, and that life should go on, and if I am still that bad I should go to a shrink (which I promise I will very soon) but still I am sad.
I miss him as much today as I did a year ago, and the boulder size whole in my heart feels like it will never be filled.
Maybe it never will be. Maybe that is how it is supposed to be.
I hate it when I see something funny or read something great and I go to call him to tell him, and then I remember. My heart aches so hard when I remember.
I am lonely without him and I seek his advice every day.
So I am going to take some time for myself tomorrow and remember him, and all he gave me and all he wanted for me and how much he loved me. And I promise I will not write about it again, because this is a new year, a year without firsts but with seconds. A year that I will help myself through this heavy haze of pain into the light.
A better year.
A year with hope.

9 comments:

  1. This past Christmas marked the 3rd year anniversary since my sister, my best friend past away. It gets "easier" to deal with each year but not being able to get her advice or to share my news with has not gotten any easier. I miss her terribly each and every day of my life. I am not anywhere prepared to lose my parents but I know it's going to happen and it will not be any easier to deal with than when Carrie left us at the age of 31. You are more than entitled to grieve and take the day off...you need to and it's perfectly ok to remember your loved one. No matter what anyone says. My heart is with you.

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  2. I will say a prayer for you.

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  3. You don't have to promise not to write about it anymore. If it's what you're feeling, and you want to get it out, writing about it can be a good thing. I would never think of you as a whiner.

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  4. I think you should write about your dad whenever you feel like it, and you shouldn't feel like you have to apologize for it. (((you)))

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  5. i'm with the above. write about it. it can only help. my best friend is going into year 2 and not 'over it' so don't feel alone. i am the spawn of satan and my parents are both too mean to die plus after 39 years of divorce they hate each other enough to refuse to die first and 'lose' to the other.

    sigh

    more about your nice dad, please.

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  6. Anonymous5:03 AM

    i agree with what everyone else has said, this your blog, it's your personal haven in which you can write about whatever you feel like writing. So don't hesitate if you want to write about your dad, or about Paris Hilton, or about politics. It's all good here. I'm sure your dad really loved you, and is keeping an eye on you wherever he is now.

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  7. Thanks guys, I really needed your kind words this weekend.

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  8. oops, didn't mean for the comment above to be anonymous. now you know it was from me :)

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  9. I envy your Dad for having such a loving duaghter. I have a 3 year daughter and she is the world to me. Please do not stop writing about your dad and the things that makes him special. I can learn from his example.

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