Thursday, April 19, 2007

And The Goodbyes Make The Journey Harder Still

In February I wrote about my anniversary of sadness.
That is the date that you have in your head of things that were meant to be or never was. I have to add another one to my mental calendar book, today should have been my due date.

Unfortunately I lost the babies I was carrying almost 10 weeks into my pregnancy. Today I should have been celebrating being a new mother again, but, I guess that was not supposed to be. I try to have faith, but sometimes I feel when I trust in a higher being, in faith, I am eventually let down.
I am sick of being disappointed.

Today I will try to celebrate life with my husband and two perfect, healthy, beautiful twins. I will go and buy some flower bulbs, ones that will reappear each spring at this time to help remind me that there is beauty everywhere even if I chose not to see it.

I will not let anyone know about my anniversary. I will keep it to myself, mourning for what should have been while being grateful for what is.

8 comments:

  1. Kristi8:15 AM

    I hate days like that.
    You know how you can be driving a see a sign or something that really makes you stop and think? Monday I was having perhaps the worst day of my life. No one had passed away or anything but trust me, it was terrible. I was stopped at a light a few miles from my house when I looked over at the little church on the corner. The sign said: "Having trouble going to sleep? Count your blessing."

    I think that's exactly what you're doing and I really applaud you for that. I think its safe to assume that triplets on top of twins would have been difficult at least. But losing them is so much more.

    I'm thinkin' about ya!

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  2. But you are sharing it here, and I think that that's a good thing.

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  3. I was just thinking about your triplets earlier this week, I knew it had to be coming up soon.

    It's good to remember not only quietly by planting your flowers, but as Suz said, here with us. It's an honor to include us on something so dear to your heart.

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  4. kristi, I am sorry you had such a terrible day. I am thinking about you also.

    suz, I hope so.

    dd, I know you know.

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  5. Oh Tuesday! Love you!

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  6. aw...I'm so sorry. I've never had a miscarriage so I don't know exactly how you feel, but I am a mom....

    something pretty, like a crocus or dafodil or something....sorry

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  7. I don't think I ever knew your due date...I hope it wasn't too sad of a day for you, TUes.

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  8. Oh, Tuesday. I can totally relate. I have that anniversary myself - May 9. She would've been my first, had she decided not to take residence in my tube and burst through in an unfavorable fashion in week 8, almost taking me with her.

    I look around and it seems everyone and their mother is due soon, and it's hard to remain grateful and optimistic for the future.

    I empathize. Hang in there, Tues.

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